I'm just happy

I'm just happy thinking of graduating from grad school, getting a job in San Fran ( keep me in your prayers about that) , dating guys who are worth it and know I'm worth it and basically having the life I have been working for all these years.
I love being a therapist and I feel that I can really help people ( and they help me) , grad school has been bumpy but worth the ride. I am still eating well and exercising too. So things are good mostly.

Dating...

So much of who we are and what we want comes out in our dating/ relationship lives.

I'm turning a corner on a lot in my life right now, dating is likely to be part of the story.
For a long time I dated and had sex with men who if I lost them it wouldn't really matter. I might have thought I wanted sustained relationships with the men I was involved with but looking back ( with 20/20 hindsight) it was impossible. They weren't people who could sustained love and commitment and neither was I. I notice now that what I really want is a sustain emotional connection with a man and out of that can come our home, family, business venture etc..
So now I want to date men that have the possibility of sustaining an emotional connection over long periods of time and possibly distance. That's a risk for me, more of a risk than I have taken before. I would not be able to discard such a man if I was scared, hurt, angry, he wouldn't let me; and I think I am at the point where I would not let myself either.
My plan is to date men who have a real possibility of becoming a husband in my way of thinking.
A husband to me is someone who can sustain love , kindness and patience within himself fairly well and wants to give that to his wife, children and community.
A husband can afford a family. I struggle with with but I think that if I was with a person who wanted to be become a doctor and he said to me " it may be tough for a while but I am committed to you and the family we will have once I have done the work I need to do to follow this dream , will you be with me? " I would be with him . I have a dream of becoming a therapist/healer and then a mom. I want a man who supports all my dreams. I deserve support and that's big for me to say and feel.
A husband can ask for help when he needs to and even if he just wants it. It's ok to have limitations within a relationship, it is not OK to not move beyond them when called to do so, we need help in doing this.

So there's the plan, Date guys that count. That show up and keep showing up, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially and maybe more ways than I can even conceive of right now.

Huge Changes...

I am noticing some big changes in me. I used to blame myself for everything, particularly in relationship. I was also with men who thought that was just fine, as long as I was to blame for everything they had no responsibility to make things work. It was all on me. That sucks for one thing because it's impossible for one person to do all the work in relationship. I just need my side of the fence clean. I can do that now, I was doing that for a long time. I was honest and loving and committed. I was with people who were not honest, loving or committed. They probably still aren't. It really lets me off the hook. It's growing out of co-dependence and knowing I need someone who has also grown out of it. A lot of people have not. It's part of a a newer better self-esteem I find myself having. Self-esteem built on substance. I am almost done with grad school and I am doing good work as a therapist. I took up the cause of me and it is continually worth it.
I feel like my work as a therapist is evolving as I evolve. I notice in myself a new sense of intimacy, within and my ability to relate to people. My own therapist has been instrumental in this evolution; relationship heals. I am in the profession of healing through relationship and I feel grateful to have gotten here at 33. I also forgive a younger me for not getting it sooner. I see people struggling with intimacy . Intimacy is difficult across the board , it is not easy to let people in. It is easier to create walls and use defenses . It is harder to examine oneself and grow new muscles intimacy wise. But it's great fun too. It is amazing to play in the field of intimacy and knowing and love. It is to my credit that I pursued this . I dream of the man who wants these things too. Who knows within what intimacy can be like. I'm already there within myself and that is more than half the battle indeed.

Me ,Now....

I feel people's energies acutely , sometimes to the point of just being overwhelmed . So there's that. I have always felt that I needed to be with a person whose energy was really light and airy or I would feel weighted down by them. Other people's emotional baggage feels really heavy to me.
I have some of my own emotional baggage to deal with too of course so I do and I feel pretty light these days in general.
I was talking to an energy worker and she was saying that in her experience Tibetian monks has a kind of lightness that must come from meditation. I really want to learn about different energy styles and how to relate to different people with different styles well. I almost can't stand lots of repressed anger and denseness around me . I work with people who have I'd say denser energies but that's work and somehow that's ok. Whereas someone in my home space or heart space would need to be fairly clear ( I don't know if I have the words to explain this stuff, if you get it please explain it to me).
I am very attracted to energy work as a therapist. I want to get to the core of someone's energy field and work from there.

Does anyone else feel that with other people, that if they are with someone who is really dense it feels heavy. Are there just fewer really clear people? I associate clearness with positivity and some faith in humanity ( like Barrack) I associate heaviness with emotional baggage unprocessed and unresolved anger. I remember something by Ester-hicks I think about how energies can't come into our lives unless we allow it. I recently had two teachers whose energies were really disturbing to my system so I know that stuff is still there in me, but also I notice it as the kind of heaviness I used to have all the time and don't have but occasionally anymore and I could displace it from my energy quicker than before.
What do you think? Vibrationally, people with the highest of vibrations, are they able to live and work well with all energies? Do they prefer certainly similar energies?
What do you make of me wanting to be around really clear people and feeling yucky being around the underneath anger other denseness?
What do you make of any of this?

I'm happy and tripping out...

I feel pretty happy. I confronted a fix it ticket yesterday and it was only $50. My MO ticket wise has been to ignore in the past and that cost me a lot of money. This time I showed up and it wasn't so bad. I had to go to court and plead no contest to driving with a head light out. It seems like a lot of rigamoroul for a head light issue. I was scared. It was a real court and a real judge, and she had big puffy bleached blond hair. Anyway I paid the $50 and went to work. It was nerve racking to say the least. I think I can extrapalate this to my life, I have to go to my own court and deal with the stuff that comes up and hopefully I only pay $50 and maybe it comes out in my favor and I gain something. I feel like I have gained some confidence in the last several months. I feel freer to confront my stuff. I also feel better equipted to know who and where to confront it with. I feel like their are huge rewards for being totally at one with myself. If I drive without a headlight working then I need to be with me while I deal with the consequences of such behavior ( and at $50 the consequences were not that bad) . I have in the past tried to ignore or bury stuff that scared me or felt uncomfortable, I still do and it's understandable. We are not taught skills often to really feel and process all that comes up as a human. I love my job because I get to pursue that for myself and help others do that too. So I'm happy to me which may be all the happiness one gets in this life time. Although I'm open to more if it comes.

That guy...

That guy who can have the "serious" conversation ( experience) about psychology/spirituality/politics and can play like a child and pick me up and throw me on the bed. Wow, it's a life long quest. Good thing I'm open to different men with different expertise.

@%^&%$&^()&()%^%#$

That's how my Brain feels with all these new concepts , new ways of looking at things, new ways of being, possibilities that seem to be falling at my feet lately.
Some of the stuff I am integrating right now are:
Transperonal/ transcendence psychology
Angelic realms, bliss states, body states
Energy work
Love ( of course)
Bay area energy
Attachment (oneness with initial caregiver)
Quantum Physics
Rumi, Rodin, Ryan Gosling ;)


If any of that strikes you , let's talk.
Love, A

Science and non-daulity conference

Wow, I am opening to a lot of new concepts, new people, new ways of being.
Non-duality is hard to speak since our language is dualistic. Our way of being in the world is dualistic .
This conference and my experience is not linear necessarily so I will not try to tell a story about what is happening. I will use language to point to the many things that are coming up for me, around me, through me as I attend this conference.

First we are at an Embassy Suites Hotel in San Rafael. It is beautiful here in Nor Cal. The Hotel has a garden and Koi pond inside. It's really nice. I met the most beautiful man I have ever seen. He is from Mexico City and he is getting a PHD in transpersonal Psychology from The California Institute of Integral Studies in SF. He looks like Salvador Dali , if he was 30 and thin , with curly brown hair. I am sharing a hotel suite with him, his girlfriend and another volunteer. The hotel has a free open bar from 5:30-7:30 every night. My boss , the creator of the non-duality conference is an Italian man who is very warm , his wife is pretty and nice too. They live here and are film makers.

I went to see Amit Goswani , a speaker yesterday. He has an organization that is called the Quantum Activist. He is Indian but lives in Portland. His was a lecture with a power point display and I wan't feeling it so much. My notes from his speech look like this:
-The scientific evidence of god is already here, What are you doing about it : is the title of his talk
-Non-duality is silent
-Trans personal Psychology vs. Physics . Does matter exist, can phenomena explain everything?
-Transference wise: I feel calm around him
-Can we drop the story all together? ( A lot of non-duality is about dropping the story of a individual human being)
-Material interactions only produce possibilities


Today I saw Jeff Foster:
Very Different vine. He is English and 29 years old. Amit is like 50.
We all sat is a circle and Jeff talked for the first hour or so.
My notes:
-The end of separation is coming home
-Oneness appeals as this world
-What we long most for ( a return to oneness IE death) is what we fear most
-No seeker separate from what is sought
-The sound of something vs. I'm hearing Subject/ Object identity
-Nothing in the dreams needs to change except our perspective
-If it can't be had, it can't be lost

Oh, the beautiful man touched my knee in a purposeful way as he walked by

-Not feeling is more separation than feeling deeply
-Jeff's experience with depression and shyness and sickness in his 20's ( like mine)
Jeff coming to the realization that he was never going to awaken yet he was never going to give up trying either
-What he gained was a way to live .

Jeff Foster 's talk was very moving. A women spoke about losing her husband and as he was dying , they looked at each other and he said " I am everywhere and you are OK" . It made me cry. That she lost her husband and now knows he is everywhere and with her all the time. It's beautiful and moving.
Being in the presence of a person who is OK with everything is deeply good. I can feel my heart expanding.

I get to direct traffic before the speakers start and then I can pick a speaker to go see. I feel very lucky to have found this place and these people.
I'll write more in the coming days.

I'm so sick of being sick

I'm sick but really busy. I have to get on a plane in two days. I hate traveling sick. I don't want to go to the doctor and get an anti-biotic. I don't want to rest anymore. I need my energy back. I have lost weight just from not being hungry, so that's fine. I have been able to go on my walk/runs but they are not as fun as when I am well.
I'm also working on so many things that I can't keep them straight. I tend to work myself into an exhausted state every few months these days, yet somehow neglect to do some important stuff. I'm happy I'm doing all this stuff but overwhelmed often. oh well I'll just go with it because it's good stuff.
( one little thing : I had a meeting with the department chair and I may be able to go ahead with an event I want to plan at school ) That would be awesome.
Faith, patience, chilling out, I'm trying.

30,000 profile views

I have 30,000 profile views, it that a lot? It seems like a lot.