what I'm writing

Dating...

aschleigh — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 18:32:55 GMT

So much of who we are and what we want comes out in our dating/ relationship lives. I'm turning a corner on a lot in my life right now, dating is likely to be part of the story. For a long time I dated and had sex with men who if I lost them it wouldn't really matter. I might have thought I wanted sustained relationships with the men I was involved with but looking back ( with 20/20 hindsight) it was impossible. They weren't people who could sustained love and commitment and neither was I. I notice now that what I really want is a sustain emotional connection with a man and out of that can come our home, family, business venture etc.. So now I want to date men that have the possibility of sustaining an emotional connection over long periods of time and possibly distance. That's a risk for me, more of a risk than I have taken before. I would not be able to discard such a man if I was scared, hurt, angry, he wouldn't let me; and I think I am at the point where I would not let myself either. My plan is to date men who have a real possibility of becoming a husband in my way of thinking. A husband to me is someone who can sustain love , kindness and patience within himself fairly well and wants to give that to his wife, children and community. A husband can afford a family. I struggle with with but I think that if I was with a person who wanted to be become a doctor and he said to me " it may be tough for a while but I am committed to you and the family we will have once I have done the work I need to do to follow this dream , will you be with me? " I would be with him . I have a dream of becoming a therapist/healer and then a mom. I want a man who supports all my dreams. I deserve support and that's big for me to say and feel. A husband can ask for help when he needs to and even if he just wants it. It's ok to have limitations within a relationship, it is not OK to not move beyond them when called to do so, we need help in doing this. So there's the plan, Date guys that count. That show up and keep showing up, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially and maybe more ways than I can even conceive of right now.

Huge Changes...

aschleigh — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 19:47:45 GMT

I am noticing some big changes in me. I used to blame myself for everything, particularly in relationship. I was also with men who thought that was just fine, as long as I was to blame for everything they had no responsibility to make things work. It was all on me. That sucks for one thing because it's impossible for one person to do all the work in relationship. I just need my side of the fence clean. I can do that now, I was doing that for a long time. I was honest and loving and committed. I was with people who were not honest, loving or committed. They probably still aren't. It really lets me off the hook. It's growing out of co-dependence and knowing I need someone who has also grown out of it. A lot of people have not. It's part of a a newer better self-esteem I find myself having. Self-esteem built on substance. I am almost done with grad school and I am doing good work as a therapist. I took up the cause of me and it is continually worth it. I feel like my work as a therapist is evolving as I evolve. I notice in myself a new sense of intimacy, within and my ability to relate to people. My own therapist has been instrumental in this evolution; relationship heals. I am in the profession of healing through relationship and I feel grateful to have gotten here at 33. I also forgive a younger me for not getting it sooner. I see people struggling with intimacy . Intimacy is difficult across the board , it is not easy to let people in. It is easier to create walls and use defenses . It is harder to examine oneself and grow new muscles intimacy wise. But it's great fun too. It is amazing to play in the field of intimacy and knowing and love. It is to my credit that I pursued this . I dream of the man who wants these things too. Who knows within what intimacy can be like. I'm already there within myself and that is more than half the battle indeed.

Me ,Now....

aschleigh — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 02:18:07 GMT

I feel people's energies acutely , sometimes to the point of just being overwhelmed . So there's that. I have always felt that I needed to be with a person whose energy was really light and airy or I would feel weighted down by them. Other people's emotional baggage feels really heavy to me. I have some of my own emotional baggage to deal with too of course so I do and I feel pretty light these days in general. I was talking to an energy worker and she was saying that in her experience Tibetian monks has a kind of lightness that must come from meditation. I really want to learn about different energy styles and how to relate to different people with different styles well. I almost can't stand lots of repressed anger and denseness around me . I work with people who have I'd say denser energies but that's work and somehow that's ok. Whereas someone in my home space or heart space would need to be fairly clear ( I don't know if I have the words to explain this stuff, if you get it please explain it to me). I am very attracted to energy work as a therapist. I want to get to the core of someone's energy field and work from there. Does anyone else feel that with other people, that if they are with someone who is really dense it feels heavy. Are there just fewer really clear people? I associate clearness with positivity and some faith in humanity ( like Barrack) I associate heaviness with emotional baggage unprocessed and unresolved anger. I remember something by Ester-hicks I think about how energies can't come into our lives unless we allow it. I recently had two teachers whose energies were really disturbing to my system so I know that stuff is still there in me, but also I notice it as the kind of heaviness I used to have all the time and don't have but occasionally anymore and I could displace it from my energy quicker than before. What do you think? Vibrationally, people with the highest of vibrations, are they able to live and work well with all energies? Do they prefer certainly similar energies? What do you make of me wanting to be around really clear people and feeling yucky being around the underneath anger other denseness? What do you make of any of this?

I'm happy and tripping out...

aschleigh — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 19:14:56 GMT

I feel pretty happy. I confronted a fix it ticket yesterday and it was only $50. My MO ticket wise has been to ignore in the past and that cost me a lot of money. This time I showed up and it wasn't so bad. I had to go to court and plead no contest to driving with a head light out. It seems like a lot of rigamoroul for a head light issue. I was scared. It was a real court and a real judge, and she had big puffy bleached blond hair. Anyway I paid the $50 and went to work. It was nerve racking to say the least. I think I can extrapalate this to my life, I have to go to my own court and deal with the stuff that comes up and hopefully I only pay $50 and maybe it comes out in my favor and I gain something. I feel like I have gained some confidence in the last several months. I feel freer to confront my stuff. I also feel better equipted to know who and where to confront it with. I feel like their are huge rewards for being totally at one with myself. If I drive without a headlight working then I need to be with me while I deal with the consequences of such behavior ( and at $50 the consequences were not that bad) . I have in the past tried to ignore or bury stuff that scared me or felt uncomfortable, I still do and it's understandable. We are not taught skills often to really feel and process all that comes up as a human. I love my job because I get to pursue that for myself and help others do that too. So I'm happy to me which may be all the happiness one gets in this life time. Although I'm open to more if it comes.

That guy...

aschleigh — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 17:20:52 GMT

That guy who can have the "serious" conversation ( experience) about psychology/spirituality/politics and can play like a child and pick me up and throw me on the bed. Wow, it's a life long quest. Good thing I'm open to different men with different expertise.

@%^&%$&^()&()%^%#$

aschleigh — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 17:30:15 GMT

That's how my Brain feels with all these new concepts , new ways of looking at things, new ways of being, possibilities that seem to be falling at my feet lately. Some of the stuff I am integrating right now are: Transperonal/ transcendence psychology Angelic realms, bliss states, body states Energy work Love ( of course) Bay area energy Attachment (oneness with initial caregiver) Quantum Physics Rumi, Rodin, Ryan Gosling ;) If any of that strikes you , let's talk. Love, A

Science and non-daulity conference

aschleigh — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 19:35:07 GMT

Wow, I am opening to a lot of new concepts, new people, new ways of being. Non-duality is hard to speak since our language is dualistic. Our way of being in the world is dualistic . This conference and my experience is not linear necessarily so I will not try to tell a story about what is happening. I will use language to point to the many things that are coming up for me, around me, through me as I attend this conference. First we are at an Embassy Suites Hotel in San Rafael. It is beautiful here in Nor Cal. The Hotel has a garden and Koi pond inside. It's really nice. I met the most beautiful man I have ever seen. He is from Mexico City and he is getting a PHD in transpersonal Psychology from The California Institute of Integral Studies in SF. He looks like Salvador Dali , if he was 30 and thin , with curly brown hair. I am sharing a hotel suite with him, his girlfriend and another volunteer. The hotel has a free open bar from 5:30-7:30 every night. My boss , the creator of the non-duality conference is an Italian man who is very warm , his wife is pretty and nice too. They live here and are film makers. I went to see Amit Goswani , a speaker yesterday. He has an organization that is called the Quantum Activist. He is Indian but lives in Portland. His was a lecture with a power point display and I wan't feeling it so much. My notes from his speech look like this: -The scientific evidence of god is already here, What are you doing about it : is the title of his talk -Non-duality is silent -Trans personal Psychology vs. Physics . Does matter exist, can phenomena explain everything? -Transference wise: I feel calm around him -Can we drop the story all together? ( A lot of non-duality is about dropping the story of a individual human being) -Material interactions only produce possibilities Today I saw Jeff Foster: Very Different vine. He is English and 29 years old. Amit is like 50. We all sat is a circle and Jeff talked for the first hour or so. My notes: -The end of separation is coming home -Oneness appeals as this world -What we long most for ( a return to oneness IE death) is what we fear most -No seeker separate from what is sought -The sound of something vs. I'm hearing Subject/ Object identity -Nothing in the dreams needs to change except our perspective -If it can't be had, it can't be lost Oh, the beautiful man touched my knee in a purposeful way as he walked by -Not feeling is more separation than feeling deeply -Jeff's experience with depression and shyness and sickness in his 20's ( like mine) Jeff coming to the realization that he was never going to awaken yet he was never going to give up trying either -What he gained was a way to live . Jeff Foster 's talk was very moving. A women spoke about losing her husband and as he was dying , they looked at each other and he said " I am everywhere and you are OK" . It made me cry. That she lost her husband and now knows he is everywhere and with her all the time. It's beautiful and moving. Being in the presence of a person who is OK with everything is deeply good. I can feel my heart expanding. I get to direct traffic before the speakers start and then I can pick a speaker to go see. I feel very lucky to have found this place and these people. I'll write more in the coming days.

I'm so sick of being sick

aschleigh — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 01:33:46 GMT

I'm sick but really busy. I have to get on a plane in two days. I hate traveling sick. I don't want to go to the doctor and get an anti-biotic. I don't want to rest anymore. I need my energy back. I have lost weight just from not being hungry, so that's fine. I have been able to go on my walk/runs but they are not as fun as when I am well. I'm also working on so many things that I can't keep them straight. I tend to work myself into an exhausted state every few months these days, yet somehow neglect to do some important stuff. I'm happy I'm doing all this stuff but overwhelmed often. oh well I'll just go with it because it's good stuff. ( one little thing : I had a meeting with the department chair and I may be able to go ahead with an event I want to plan at school ) That would be awesome. Faith, patience, chilling out, I'm trying.

30,000 profile views

aschleigh — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 17:11:48 GMT

I have 30,000 profile views, it that a lot? It seems like a lot.

I'm 33 and alive...

aschleigh — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 23:51:15 GMT

I'm 33 today, yay!. Growing up I was looking forward to being 14 so I could go to the pool by myself. I had thought of what it would be like to be 21 because I could drink but never in a millions years did occur to me what being 30 and above would be like. I ask myself, am I living an engaged life? I am exercising several days a week. I go to school to use my mind. I have people in my life who care about me and I care about. I have a career I am working on that is meaningful and ever evolving. I love my life. I love being physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually healthy. I don't take it for granted as I spent my 20's feeling numb, depressed, shut down. My energy is way up because I got it flowing. I learned that I needed to express my anger, sexuality, joy, goodness, etc... With like minded folks. I put myself in places that I could and continue to do that. I have gifts that not everyone has. I am very empathetic and I care about the health of everyone. I can work in situations where I use those gifts. A small thing but it's huge actually, people don't know how to eat. A lot of people eat to survive but they are not eating for healthy and optimal functioning. I can help with that. As a society we are not even eating with sanity yet. I can teach people how to eat. We also don't move enough, I can teach people how to move. So I'm here at 33 and it's been a long strange trip. It's like a new world is open that I didn't see until very recently. This world includes: relationships that are a joy to be in. Where we are kind and funny and good to each other for a long time. This world is one where I have meaningful work that benefits humanity. This world is an engaged world, where I am and fully present with all that I encounter. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtA7YIFapnY

I'm starting a spiritual/ support women's group

aschleigh — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 21:29:52 GMT

Let's start a Women's group of support and the men who support us Hi Everyone, some of us women are thinking of starting a support group for women , women who are spiritually aware or inclined towards that. We could meet once a month and have a potluck. We could discuss what we are working on ; in life and school and career. We could also invite men who are supportive in our lives. Kids are welcome too . We could invite our women friends outside of Antioch or women not in our class. I have an apartment with a pool so if we do it quick we could swim , ( my favorite self-care practice). Although let's rotate homes or even go for a hike in a park. Let's shoot for the first week in November. What do you all think? Aschleigh

I'm getting a lot of views on my profile...

aschleigh — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 19:41:02 GMT

It's ok. I just notice that I am attracting a lot of attention these days. Here but in life too. 54 views since yesterday seems like a lot to me. It's fine just not sure what to make of it. I ran into a friend who said I must be getting a lot of sex I look so good. Unfortunately that isn't the case but I like that I look like that. I went on on my morning walk and extended it a bit today. I love coming over the hill to see the ocean in the morning. And it;s good for my butt and thighs too, the hill walk.

Who will teach me how to surf?

aschleigh — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 18:14:33 GMT

I want to learn to Surf. I bring lots of energy and enthusiasm to the table. I could offer an exchange, I will do some coaching, smoothie making, and bring my beautiful self to the endeavor. I would ideally like to learn in El Porto or Manhattan Beach. I don't have a surf board yet.

New Improved Web site.....

aschleigh — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 17:47:44 GMT

I would love your feedback. http://wholenesslifecoaching.wordpress.com/

Beyonce, what is she drinking?

aschleigh — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 05:28:46 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbGV2_8Yqg4 Beyonce. She is showing us all up. She makes a video every other day of her life. It's amazing. This one is good.

I love walking into a bar and feeling like I'm the coolest person there for a long time...

aschleigh — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 20:06:35 GMT

I walked into this bar in San Mateo ,Ca yesterday and I about stopped traffic . My friend from michigan says it's the town I live in ( LA ) that s the reason I don't have a boyfriend. I think I could get one really fast if I lived in San Mateo. I'm no longer just picky though. I know what I want. I want to sleep besides someone and feel their very calming energy. Feel their comfort at being next to me and being themselves at the same time. I feel I have that for myself these days. I am comfortable with me. It's a start. If anyone reading this hasn't read Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, please, please do. It's a revolutionary take on being in relationship. And it's about passionate sex too.

Ask a sexy women anything drama...

aschleigh — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 23:31:23 GMT

I posted an article about a girl in yemen and her forced marriage with the question of how different a society we live in here in the US. It devolved into a discussion about me, which was not my purpose of writng the post. I do wonder why that tribe is very focused on me. Almost every time I post the discussion turns over to personal attacks . It's a very bad vibed tribe. I don't want to and usually don't communicate on that level. I strive not to at least. Anyway, such is the internet perhaps. I think of the healing I have done and am thankful. I want to see people happy and supportive, myself including. My lesson may be right now that it is ok to not engage with that negativity and reactiveness. And to think of some of the things they say that I may not be aware of in myself.

Things are so good, it's weird...

aschleigh — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 06:34:29 GMT

I feel very loved and supported by the universe. That could be my own thinking and believing that makes the world seem that way. I have a lot of positivity in my life. I have so much that I notice the negativity if it occurs immediatly. I notice that it is not me also. I grew up with a lot of negativity in my life and I pretty much have banished it. I believe we teach people how to treat us. I am teaching people to treat me well. I am feeling deserving of good treatment. It is miraculous to me how quickly this change has happened. I found a therapist that works for me on so many levels. I also found the work that is meaningful to me. I feel like me again. The me I was born with , the me of riding my bike at 7, the me of swimming all day at 12. Who wouldn't want to be around this energy?

Best compliment ever!

aschleigh — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 18:52:28 GMT

I saw just told that I radiate love and light in a way that warms the room. Cool huh?

I'm off to San fran Tomorrow, Yay!

aschleigh — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 18:21:33 GMT

Can't wait to be back in San Fran. I miss that town. WOnder what craziness I can get into. Maybe I'll run into Ryan Gosling and that will be all she wrote. Yay me!

Chaos that is actually quite wonderful....

aschleigh — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 18:29:28 GMT

I write just to make sense to myself by the way. So many things going on. Like my last blog, that wonderful connection with a man who is unavailable ( but very present) . Getting through the hardest, most challenging quarter of school in my life. Dreams about the ex that were meaningful to me. Agape spiritual center goodness, so glad to be back , I took a month off . Feeling disconnected from my mom, but in an ok way. I feel disconnected from people that don't see their own light . But I also want to connect with the part of them that see that light. I realized what I want, I want to help people experience their own light/source/god within. I want that for everyone. I want to be a facilitator of that experience. How will I get there? It will be an interesting road for sure. The emmy's were good last night, so much light there. So much hope in this country in general these days. I feel good.

I don't know what I want....

aschleigh — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 02:34:45 GMT

I tend to know what I want. Sometimes I am at a loss. Sometimes I fill the void with food or cute shoes. Sometimes I don't feel the void at all. I'm restless and I don't really know why. I don't have anyone to really express this too. I don't know what I want to express. I don't know what I want.

Our Cognitive Behavioral World.........

aschleigh — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 21:57:08 GMT

It's a real possibility we are entering the cognitive behavioral millenium. I am studying cognitivie behavioral therapy at school but I am also noticng that it is all around. It is " the secret" it is The Prophet " by Kahlil Gibran, it is on Oprah ' It may be so embedded in our culture that it's hard to see at this point. Cognitive ( thinking) behavioral therpy is about changing our thinking to change our behavior. And it works, it was what BF Skinner and Pavlov worked on in their own way. I see it on Oprah where she talks about Stepping out of our pasts with new thinking. It's ancient and yet yet again. The reseason why I think that nobody needs to teach freud anymore is because we live in a freudnian world, we talk about our mother issues, Oedipal, family dynamics all the time. We live in a freundian world. Now we are stepping into a Cognitive behavioral world, it gets taught to us from all angles. I really can't wait to start my real career at a private pratice and have more people to talk about this stuff with.

Change, change ,everywhere...

aschleigh — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 22:28:40 GMT

I have the greatest connection with a man I have ever had. It happens to be with my therapist and he won't let me have sex with him but otherwise it's perfect. Now I know what that's about I will know when I find it out in the world. I have some great guy friends who are kind and try to take care of me when I am having trouble doing it for myself. I have a pretty good sense of where I'm going professionally. There are hurdles to jump for sure but I'm sure they will be jumpable. I'm feeling solid in my therapist trainee position. I think I'm a little grad school fatigued but I'm here for 2 more quarters and then I'm done. I love Antioch and I see my time here nearing it's end. I always have enough money, someday I may have more than enough but for now I'm good. I live near enough to the ocean I really should take up surfing and I'm sure the opportunity will present itself soon enough. I'm exercising once or twice a week and it could be more but I feel healthy, I also eat well. Wow, I'm pretty great. I wonder how much greater things will get and how I will handle it. Can't wait to meet my children; it's been a long road and a lot of this tough stuff is done for them and me. Happiness is good.

Boundaries and my Therapy skills

aschleigh — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 23:16:00 GMT

As a becoming therapist ( and I person) I talk to people allthe time and I tend to offer free counseling to a meriad of people. I don't usually mind. But I am now feeling draned by a particular person ( actually ) two who use my therapy skills a bit too much. I am still finding where the therapist in me stops and the friend begins. It's a bit arbitrary as a good friend does some therapy too sometimes. But not all the time. And it shouldn't be just one way. I go to a therapist myself and I pay him. I don't use my friends that way, partly becasue they are not so good at it. I am better of with my own advice most of the time. I like to listen, I like to be there for people. My standards for listening and patience has gone through the roof in the last year or so. I expect so much more from people. My mom is not the best listener. She is often critical and judgement. And I notice that more now than ever. She also tries with her somewhat limited capacity. In general I am doing some really good, hard work recently. I am working harder than ever. It's nerve racking this inner work, it's exhausting and I now think it is the least a conscious human being can do. I am more present that I have ever been. I wonder why it's so hard. Change is so hard and I give props to all that attempt it.