I am FLOORED.

I am not in disbelief at all. This is a true story about loss & believing.

5 years ago, I attended my first Burningman. Two days before bman- I still was waffling if I would go or not. I didn't have a ticket, or even a place to camp. At the time, I was involed with Kenneth- (which I was involved with for almost 8 years) who by the way, just got married last weekend- (congrats) anyway... he couldn't decide if he wanted to go or not. SO- I decided... I'm just going to balls out and go by myself. (Holy shit! I think about this now, and REALLY DON'T know how I did it) I didn't really know anyone who went, except the fabulous John Averil, who btw, was the reason I was intrigued to go in the first place, and for circumstances beyond my control- I wasn't really able to camp with woo.... So- 2 days to go.... I set my mind on it.... I was going to burningman solo.

I got on eplaya- lookin for rides and such and happened to stumble upon a link to the Black Rock Boutique... damn a vintage boutique in the desert- how fuckin' cool was that?! Holy shit- i discovered they were based outta pdx. I shot them a quick little email- and within no time- "tangerine" responded. "we've got room if you'd like a ride down, and an extra tix if you'd like to buy it". i jumped on it. "bring as much as you like- we've got a big truck. badabo- badabing.

I showed up 2 days later at their house over on alberta st... I had NO idea what to expect. They were loadin up the truck with all this Stuff- a lot of stuff. "we're at centercamp" cool I thought- what the fuck does that mean?

I hopped in my ride and I was off for the adventure. I was the only virgin in the vanagon i was travelling in. On the trip down, there was playa story after playa story, and the closer we got, more hootin and hollerin' and excitement filled the van. I didn't know what to think. These peeps were really excited... By the time we were almost there, I realized how WONDERFUL all these peeps were and asked if I could camp with them. (how naive was I?) They were truly welcoming- SURE!

***I cannot tell you how this ONE decision has SO enriched my life. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!! Little did I know- what a beautiful gift they had given me...I've got tears in my eyes--- shh don't tell....***

So- I really freakin rockstarred it... Hello. I mean Centercamp my first year with a group of stellar people that I consider MY FAMILY NOW> wow. slap my ass and call me a bitch.

On the inside, I was torn and saddend that my partner, kenneth had stayed behind. Our relationship was a bit unstable... He'd given me the most beautiful necklace that he made, which I wore the entire burn to feel close to him.

What can I say... Burningman... I finally found my PEOPLE, my field of bees. I loved and soaked up every ounce of it....I remember the last day, waiting at centercamp for my ride, BAWLING, because i didn't want to leave, leave what felt so right and comfortable. Leave what I always knew was out there in my heart, but not had experienced until that time. Now I knew my life was forever changed. I could no longer go back.

We started our way back to "civilization", winding through the hills. Not to far into our journey, we came upon a vehicle which had a flat on it's trailer. We happily stopped and offered our assistance. They were some Bman org peeps or DPW folk who were very thankful... So thankful- they told us of the secret swimming hole up the road. We were stoked and stopped for a nice swim. I took my clothes off and piled them on the shore, and took my beloved necklace off and put it in my bag. What an amazing swim we had... It was time to go- the people we helped had arrived for a swim and as we left, guy handed me my bag... but upsidedown... Now, it had pockets with buttons but what I didn't realize until i got to Cedarville, was my necklace must have fallen out. FUCK!!! I Wanted to go back, but it was NOT an option.

The necklace that was given with so much love. It took COUNTLESS hours for Kenneth to make it- and it was gone... I truly cried all the way home. It was the most beautiful thing that anyone had ever given me and now it was gone... I dreaded getting home, having to tell Kenneth. Kenneth was PISSED to say the least. I was SO upset... Really, He's STILL NEVER forgiven me. for real...

I posted like a mother fucker... Lost- I did tons of research posted on local classifieds. Every year, on my way to the burn, i'd post signs protected in plastic in hopes that someone would find the piece... it was so unique- and had his signature on it. I vowed I would again posess the necklace. Every year, i'd repost in hopes that it would come back to me.

Tonight, I went to Gallery 500 for yahroe's fashion show... We busted out the Zebra Army and had a fine time...So many lovelies were there... including Joseph- who camped with me my first year... There was a gentelman there that I saw a few times and felt drawn to meet. We approached each other and started to chat. His name was Justin, the owner of the gallery. I introduced myself as astrogirl and he went silent. his eyes grew big and asked..."ASTROGIRL??? YOU'RE ASTROGIRL???"

Yep! that's me- (I kinda get that a lot) why, what have YOU heard? and then he said it... the most magical thing...what I've been waiting for for 5 freakin' years..."I've got YOUR necklace."

I looked at him straight in the eye and smiled. I wasn't surprised I KNEW what he was talking about. I asked, "my metal necklace?" I knew.

Yes. WTF??? "How'd YOU get it???"

He was stunned. I was stunned. Apparently, someone anonymously sent it to him at the gallery about 2 yrs ago and he's been holding onto ever since. He's NEVER even been to Burningman. He doesn't even KNOW me OR Kenneth. Justin said he asked around our community a little bit, to see if anyone knew me, but the connection wasn't ever made until tonight. And what timing. I've just had a huge closure with Kenneth as he just remarried this PAST weekend.

I feel elated. I believed in my heart that I would have this again- as it meant SO much to me. I NEVER gave up hope on it. Every year- I waited for this necklace to find it's way back to me, and now it has. I don't have it in my hot little hands YET, but I will shortly.

What does this mean? What does it mean... I DON'T know exactly... All i DO know, is that I've been asking for a sign. You know how you believe something in your heart, anything you truly believe in your heart that will happen... and when it doesn't, you start to question yourself... Maybe it'll never come true, or maybe i've been a FOOL for believing something ALL my life- because it hasn't happened YET. Well quite honestly friends, i've had the MOST challenging YEAR of my life. My father's passed, my family is super damaged and estranged and to be quite frank, i'm just trying to keep my shit straight and afloat. I have been struggling- and I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel...I feel a bit LOST...yet, I am thankful to have all these beautiful peeps in my life. I feel no rest. What does it all mean... when will the struggle be over? FUCK if I know. My BELIEF has REALLY been wearing thin... I've really been questioning myself lately...

SO what this means to me, is- it's a sign. A sign to BELIEVE in what's in your HEART, NO MATTER WHAT happens or what PEOPLE SAY. It's all I have. I mean, your home alone at night all your friends are gone, all you have, are your beliefs. In some way, small, or BIG way... I haven't decided-

This really means something to me and baby, do I ever need it.

Thanks for reading... I really wanted to share this as I'm really in awe in a way, and really just feel, maybe in my heart, I AM doing the right thing, by following my heart. Something- that I've done against everything I've been taught in my life. I've overcome many things. I have NO support from my family....Self doubt is one of the hardest to surpass.

SO... I'm just gonna put this little feather in my cap, and keep on goin'. I can't wait to put that necklace on, and show it to Kenneth... full circle yo.

much love m' lovelies...

xoxooxxo

astrogirl