its fixed!
so much to write and no time today..
but hello again!
Autumn~

i cant sleep for shit. ive tried. i came back from playing cards, which was the worst game ive ever played. i always make it to the final table. but not tonite. tonite im not doing so good. just hanging in. lately ive slipped back a little. i went on a little run there since my last post. too much on my mind...court tomorrow with frank. i havent seen him since the incident. grugh! i dont want to see him. i dont wanna look into his eyes. and thens theres the other stuff..... yeah i wanted to run. and i did. now faced once again with my sobriety...im not feeling so wonderful. im a little sick as a matter of fact. this is such a battle. you cant even emagine unless u have done it yourself. but i hurt all the way through to my soul.
"its not easy to hide...this damage inside, i'll carry it with me untill im not alvive, ....when you look at my face does it seem just as ugly ...to you? i cant seem to erase these scars that im left with, from you.....im so sick of this place...this taste in my mouth........." Black Rain Coldplay
i was listening to it, and i had to put it on here. i think im gonna TRY to go lay down. well see how that goes. i just want one more push....always one more......

im getting picked up in 30 minutes. i can't fucking wait.
this is gonna be incredible!!!!!!!!!!!



p.s. its a free ticket too.....can u beat that????

Someone emailed me this image under bad break-ups and i laughed my ass off, when i saw the extent of it. first that the person went to the length of putting the message on the airplane banner. then i saw the crowd in the stadium. damn..... he pissed her off. it was too funny not to post. sucks to be them.

finally after a battle, and i do mean war. i got my kids back. as it should be. i had told my caseworker a person whose job it is to act in best interest of my kids to reunite the family. (that was never his goal) i told him the state would get my kids over my dead body or his.... and i did mean that because it would never have to come to that. i had done everything on his ridiciously long like 75 things i had to do to prove i "deserved" to be their mother? something i already am. let me take this back a step........ two years ago into my abusive marriage and very deep into my addiction, we were going to go to the park, only i didnt think it was a good idea i go that day. i knew i was fucked up and had no business being in public or around my kids. my husband made me go. so i went, while at the park he got mad at me, im a pill addict... now in recovery, but at that time i was messed up. we were in a park that was in his fathers jusisdiction. yeah his dads a cop. so hes mad and he calls the cops on me. he also knows i have about a half ounce of marijuana in my pockect and our bowl. so his cops come and i get busted. a bowl he smokes too, so not only am i feeling set up...betrayed, hurt. how can he sell me out to the heat like that?? hes subpost to look out for me. addiction is a disease. if he wanted me to get the help i despirately needed why then did he not take me to a rehab? why set me up with the cops? cops that have a legal repsonsiblity to report this finding to children and youth. drugs in a park. my own husband did that to me. looking back that was still never even my bottom with the drugs.... but that trust with my husband.... that cut real fucking deep. you dont sell people out like that. addicts dont get high at the end because they want to, its because they have to, they dont know any other way any more. eventually it gets so bad.... you just wanna die, and you just pray that someone can just please break the cycle for you... and show you a new way to live. and when they do you just keep following that way. and when i went to rehab some 2 years after that incident in the park.... i found that way. but so much more fucking pain had to happen first to bring me to my knees first. and i had to relearn how to wanna live. and by doing the next right thing i got my kids. and im going to keep doing the next right things.... even when they hurt, because nothing hurts more than looseing them.

in my head..... my addictions telling me i wanna get stoned. that would be a huge mistake. and i know this....and im not gonna do it, but it doesnt stop it from talking to me that way. i wish it would. i wish it was just that simple. who ever thought <and i think it was nancy regan> "just say no" was all we needed to do was so full of shit. i guess it sounded like a good campain slogan to the republicans. but its bullshit!! i just wish that the diseased part of my brain would go back to sleep.... and shut the fuck up, because it's really pissing me off. today is the third day that it's been doing this to me, in a row. im keeping the monster in a cage, thats how i feel. i know what happens if it gets out. not only will i loose everything.... i will loose me too. it would start inocently with bud, where it would end up would be horrible..... because it wouldn't end with me smoking bud, or takeing pills.... it never ends there. play the tape Autumn, just play the tape....

thats what my significant other asked me when i talked to him the last time about severring our relationship. I find that comment absolutely hillarious but it also shows the sevarity of how nutts the whole thing has gotten. I'm coming up on 5 months clean.... changing just about every behavior in my life that i've been doing for the last 20 years. It wasn't as hard as i thought it was gonna be. The hardest part was coming to the conclusion that i couldn't live that way anymore... being an addict. anyone that thinks it's a choice is crazy. it's definately a disease.... no one wakes up and thinks today im gonna be a junkie. 20 years ago i had it all... except the knowledge of this disease... now after looseing myself and getting the knowlege of this disease i found myself again. and im gettin it all back. and there is no fuckin' way im letting any man take that away from me. i've worked way to hard for that. and if its gonna end in ski masks...... im ready. come get me!!!! my eyes are open, and i know if i do what i always did, im gonna get what i always got.

Well i got the big aggrivation out of my life for good about a week and a half ago. thank god. he wasn't really "in my life" just kinda lingering around. now theres no more lingering. and thats so much better. i made it real fucking clear how i felt. sometimes you got to do that for people to get the message. even then they try to twist stuff up so its still your fault. but i figure thats on them its thier shit not yours. i guess thats what they call turning it over right?
but enough wasted space on that.... i almost have 4 months!! i can't believe it. it feels like ive been though a war. and in a million ways i guess i have. and i did save myself, so its worth it. this past weekend i was so freakin tired it was unbelievable. i felt like my feet were dragging lead weights in stead of my doc martins. everything was an effort. but i'll survive. i bumped into this dude i was at a rehab with 3 years ago when i went to see that new underworld movie. he was actually clean too. its a trip everyday i see someone thats still clean that i either used to get high with or that i was in treatment with. that is my proof that this program works. they say it is a program of attraction not promotion. and they are right on there.

people places and things
sometimes i need to vent and i think this me one of those times. Because some people in my life right now are driving me absolutely nutts. I know everyones different and im completely ok with that. and everyones in different stages of recovery and im ok with that too. its frustrating but im used to that, because thats just how recovery is, and usually i can look at it and say, damn im glad im not stuck there. or if that persons real bad... i'll say the na thing of "keep coming back" thats kinda the NA slap in face for your real fucked up and just nowhere near ready yet, and come back when your ready if you don't die first asshole. But i got someone in my life that is so far in denial its unbelievable!! has an excuse for everything, and i try so fucking hard to be patient, because i used to have excuses for everything. EVERYTHING, until i had so many god damn excuses for my excuses that i made myself nutts and just plain sick of keeping all the excuses straight. that one day when i was trying to "get all my excuses straight" a thought came to me.... (i guess this was moment of clarity) i don't want to live like this no more. i just didn't want to, it became so fucking obious. so simple. get rid of ALL the lies. every last one. accept responsibility for everything that i had done while i was high. and everything would fall into place. that was last fall, and i've been doing it ever since.
Now this person in my life is continuously trying to "help me as they put it" get me to do it their way to get me out of some legal situations etc etc etc....their way, trying to manipulate the law. which i wouldnt need their help ti do IF and i do mean IF that was what i wanted to do. It's NOT what i want. Iam going to court friday and im gonna own up to what i did. i know this judge and he doesn't wanna hear excuses and bullshit technicallities. and im not going to feed them to him. i put the drugs in my body, i had the drugs on me, i got busted for posession and it doesnt matter that the dumbass driving got pulled over in an illegal stop. because what happened after the stop was yeah i had drugs on me and i was so fucked up that i was stupid enough to get busted because i didn't even bother to stash them. so no excuses i did it...and im not trying to wiggle out. and as far as people trying to tell me how they think i should recover. take your own inventory...not mine. i have good recovery. your still in the river in egypt, i can't believe you don't see it. we are in two different places and thats ok it just is what it is, don't you EVER involve my kids again. and thats NOT a friendly warning however.