The Book of the Crossroads

God Can

Awen — Mon, 12 May 2008 10:37:09 GMT

Because I am approaching the little stream and it's time to jump, it's growing fast, and more and more it looks like the Grand Canyon of Doubt. So I have turned last night to my personal Book-I'd-Take-To-A-Desert-Island-With-Me. "Supplies", by Julia Cameron, because with that one, I just definetely cannot go without. Within the last fourty minutes before going to bed of intense, familiar mining work, I digged lots of shit, realised and digged, among many disturbing things, my God Can. The original concept is "God Jar", but because a glass container looks too revealing, too frail and too unsettling, increasing anxiety and a feeling of vulnerability, I decided to have a metal version, opaque and flexible enough to bend, a conduit for heat, electricity and magic. This time, I picked one of the tea cans Jose has around the house. A blue one, with cranes, reeds, a full moon and stuff printed in Kanji, reminding me of most of The Guru's book covers. A God Can (or Jar, or Bag, or Bin, or Folder, or Chest, or Drawer) is a sanctuary of incubation. It is basically a vessel for everything you can't (and therefore shouldn't) work out on your own, your larger-than-life aspirations, your anxieties and needs. It's the link between Fetch and Godself, conveying the intention and the prayer you send up with Manna when you align your Triple Soul. The God Can is like an altar in many ways, but it's way less ostensive or distracting, and brings in less work, opening up space for play. The best thing about last night's night in is that I realised that over the past year I've recoiled and shrouded myself with an armour, closed and unavailable to many forms of help and blessing, and unable to let go of control. Probably due to wanting too bad to succeed here in Spain. And the real reason to own a God Can is to ditch all that craziness, reconnect ("religare") and live free. Now, I'm it. No. "The miracle is one artist living with the other". So, tag. You're it. Image: Captain Davy Jones having retrieved the chest with his heart.

One Year Later

Awen — Fri, 09 May 2008 12:11:54 GMT

May 9th is the anniversary of my literal Long Journey Over Water. Today, I celebrate one year of living in Madrid. Over this past year, many things happened: I had to let too many things go, the prince became a frog, faced radical loneliness, I put my skills, my tools and my allies to the test and I've managed to maintain some level of commitment to my goal of becoming a classical singer, with some amazing achievements. I realise that I haven't done brilliant most of the time, that I shouldn't have had so many expectations when I did the Crossing and that I should have taken everything more lightly. And maybe here is the key to the next year. Today, we went to the Civil Registry to book a date for our wedding. Yes, we are marrying, which is fabulous news. We did not have the witness with us, and the clerk advised us to return after the San Isidro holidays, when it will be easier to book and to get the process to run faster, arriving very early in the morning and leaving the building before four p.m. We will do, and my ex-office colleague Javier had asked me once to be the witness. I'll give him a call today. I am dying to be able to travel abroad, to visit my tribe, to start an actual career here, to study Spanish and Solfege. Let's see how the next year unfolds.

Fickleness

Awen — Thu, 08 May 2008 21:46:33 GMT

Today, I almost lost my solo on that new choir. It was the first rehearsal where I was supposed to sing the solo part with the pianist, and I wasn't feeling so sure. To be honest, I almost never do, but especially this time, my vocal coach on Tuesday told me she didn't see me ready to sing such a hard piece all by myself. I forgot she was just that, a vocal coach, awesome as she is, but her job is to spot weaknesses, and trust that they can be fixed with work, time and technique. So somewhere in my mind, the seed of doubt germinated and sprouted at the exact time I was to sing the part. It helped that I anchored to my Core Worth, as Starhawk teaches in her "Twelve Wild Swans" book, but I didn't help that there was a newcomer who knew the whole Magnificat up and down, all four voices and the five solo parts and was offering to do it all, all the fucking time. The 1st soprano solo, the alto solo, singing basses or alto where tenor didn't have a melody, driving me crazy. When I started singing my solo, I slipped into a minor rallentando, and slowed down a bit compared to the piano. He was singing together with me, even though he wasn't supposed to, and he gradually grew his voice to swallow mine. I lost my anchor, froze and stopped singing altogether. Then the song ended, the piano stopped and the jerk started whispering things to me. Because he is French and has an awful accent, and because I was shaking like I was high on some outrageous new drug, I didn't understand a word of what he said, I just smiled and nodded. The director then asked me if we were "negotiating" the solo. I was shocked and couldn't reply. The new guy then said that he would gladly do it if I couldn't do it. In front of everybody, after I had failed on my very first try. Ever. I was really frustrated and angry. I know from experience, from intuition and from my studies that I shouldn't stick so hard to and hold so tight a single opportunity, that it's not healthy, not smart and not my style, but singing is currently the only thing actually "working" in my life, and it seems so right for me to do this solo. It's like the next natural "small" step. I don't want to let it go, and most of the time, I believe I must not let it go, either. I'll be studying harder the solo part now. The next rehearsal is on Tuesday, and I'll sing the solo again. This time, way better, I promise. So, I'll tell the director I WANT to do the solo and I'll do my best. If on the day of the performance I can't, Monsieur Volunteer will be there by my side as my substitute!

Landmark #4

Awen — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 15:31:20 GMT

from Carmen Estecha to Awen date Tue, Apr 29, 2008 at 12:44 PM Querido Awen quería comentarte si te gustaría cantar en un coro en el que estamos preparando el Magnificat de Vivaldi. No sé si conoces la obra, es de unos 14 minutos de duración y es muy bonita. Todas las voces son bien recibidas, y el concierto sería el 31 de mayo sábado a las 20,45h en la iglesia que está en el Metro de Iglesia (línea 1). Esta tarde (excepcionalmente) vamos a ensayar de 20,30h a 22,00, muy cerca de la iglesia, en casa de una compañera, y si quieres venir me avisas y te recogemos con el coche. Los ensayos normales son los jueves de 18,30 a 20,30 en el Centro Cultural Galileo. El coro se llama Balulalow y el director es Mario Muelas. Tenemos profesora de canto y si te gusta puedes ser solista de una pequeña entrada en el número 2 de la obra. Anímate, no es un coro maravilloso, pero son personas muy majas y nos lo pasamos muy bien. ¿Te apetece? Gracias y un besote carmeta ************************** Does anybody else read the word "SOLISTA" in there or is it hallucination?? And I'm SO saying yes to this!!

New Tribe!

Awen — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 22:22:04 GMT

Inspired by Gin's latest blog entry (http://people.tribe.net/gincrimson/blog/17b7f066-56e9-4b98-8c3e-66f756983145): http://tribes.tribe.net/justdoitdammit Just do it: join us now! :D

Superhero

Awen — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 13:38:22 GMT

The meeting with the pianist was awesome. We (I) certainly still have a long way to go, but there was an immense reward in having a class fully devoted to repertoire skills. Raw musicianship, the kind of ability that pays off not just on the long haul, but progressively more and more as I continue on this path. People have noticed and commented on my absence from the Book of Crossroads for the past months. Naturally, the main reason for the Silence is that I haven't really had the heart to whine helplessly all the time, and I could not see any stories going on that deserved sharing and recording. But also, I have been involved in a couple of projects that have been taking a lot of time, and rewarding me handsomely. First, there is Starhawk's book 'Twelve Wild Swans'. Even though I could write extensively on the bias and poorly supported political stands of both authors, especially the co-writer Hilary Valentine (who clearly and outrageously manipulates language in a disgustingly sexist way), the tools, tried and tested for decades in their community, is a precious gift, and a very generous one. More and more, Witchcraft and Pagan literature grows bent, and heaps of books are published every year not to inform, but to advertise strictly-for-profit workshops and training programmes, and in the end they are little more than a scandalous waste of paper, ink and marketing science. "Twelve Wild Swans", on the other hand, is sincere, well-grounded and very complete in itself. It is a book you read, re-read, work with for several rounds and are left with a feeling of having gained something tangible and real. Something to call yours. Not Faery gold, but something that lingers, germinates and that you can carry on to share with people. The kind of seed that grows into a whole orchard. Here, the signature isn't larger than the picture. Even though the Reclaiming signature distracts you several times, it still respects you enough to offer something together with the signature, not just the signature itself for almost twenty dollars. Also, I have been wasting an awful lot of time with an online game in Facebook called "My Heroes Ability". There is certainly something ageless and very appealing in superpowers and superheroes, especially for young gay men like myself, but this game not just allows you to have powers, it also lets you negotiate them, gang up and join a superteam, exchange superfavours (which we call buffs), and go on quests and missions together (or on your own). There is certainly a reason why all cultures play games, and two of them are to improve your self-awareness, understand your strengths and spot your weaknesses before your enemies do; also, it helps you train and experience skills and cognitive possibilities you might not have the chance to practice in a "real-life" environment, polluted with expectations, charges and fear. My Heroes Ability has given me a quite rare opportunity to rethink and try out character shapes and movements by rehearsing them with Teleportation, Time Manipulation, Psionic skills and Flight. I got to create and run the gay supergroup within the immense game community, the Lavender Society. In the capacity of Leader, I have honed my skills of service, protection, pride and humility. The group, the 16th largest within the game, comprises about 530 official members to date, plus honorary members who get to participate in discussions from time to time. In a scenario like that, you learn how fucking much you can offer your community and how important a community is for your own independence and self-reliance. As an individual hero, it is amazing how many skills lie dormant within us. Superconfidence, mining for camaraderie, rethinking your habits and personal policies, fitting into a larger whole, outgrowing smallminded politics and gently brewing new talents that open new doors are all wonderful explorations I have been keeping myself busy with lately. Priceless. Watching others in the game, I've seen actual heros without any superpowers offline shapeshift and overcome all kinds of personal, social and cultural issues within months. They (We) have developped strength, speed and mind powers that although not superhuman yet, are certainly what we humans were meant to feature before something got in the way. Now, after being bitten by the radioactive spider, getting struck with Cosmic Rays and having awakened the X-Gene, I come back to my old, non-super power: Writing the whole extension of my boundless Spirit out. Image: The Magic Lasso of Truth and its bearer, DC's superhero Wonder Woman.

Landmark #3

Awen — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 20:21:46 GMT

One of the requirements of living a Faerytale is to trust the Ugly Duckling against all odds. I am glad I have. Tomorrow, 19th April, 2008, I am having my first session with a pianist. We will be doing an arietta by Mozart, and my amazing vocal coach will be present. W. Clement Stone was right, again: "whatever the mind can concieve it can achieve." A tempo: For those who don't know yet, I got the gig with the choir I was dreaming of joining. Here is their last concert, last Sunday: http://www.youtube.com/user/corocamaramadrid . Soon enough I'll be there with them. I'm still mostly a listener, but feeling really accomplished anyway.

My birthday

Awen — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 11:15:14 GMT

Is today. 28 years old :)

Access the Power of Now

Awen — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 11:45:04 GMT

(by Eckhart Tolle) Are you stressed? Are you so busy getting to the future that the present is reduced to a means of getting there? Stress is caused by being "here" but wanting to be "there," or being in the present but wanting to be in the future. It's a split that tears you apart inside. Does the past take up a great deal of your attention? Do you frequently talk and think about it, either positively or negatively? The great things that you have achieved, your adventures or experiences, or your victim story and the dreadful things that were done to you, or maybe what you did to someone else? Are your thought processes creating guilt, pride, resentment, anger, regret, or self-pity? Then you are not only reinforcing a false sense of self but also helping to accelerate your body's aging process by creating an accumulation of past in your psyche. Verify this for yourself by observing those around you who have a strong tendency to hold on to the past. DIE TO THE PAST EVERY MOMENT You don't need it. Only refer to it when it is absolutely relevant to the present. Feel the power of this moment and the fullness of Being. Feel your presence. Are you worried? Do you have many "what if" thoughts? You are identified with your mind, which is projecting itself into an imaginary future situation and creating fear. There is no way that you can cope with such a situation, because it doesn't exist. It's a mental phantom. You can stop this health- and life-corroding insanity simply by acknowledging the present moment. BECOME AWARE OF YOUR BREATHING Feel the air flowing in and out of your body. Feel your inner energy field. All that you ever have to deal with, cope with, in real life -- as opposed to imaginary mind projections -- is this moment. Ask yourself what "problem" you have right now, not next year, tomorrow, or five minutes from now. What is wrong with this moment? You can always cope with the Now, but you can never cope with the future -- nor do you have to. The answer, the strength, the right action, or the resource will be there when you need it, not before, not after. ARE YOU A HABITUAL 'WAITER'? How much of your life do you spend waiting? What I call "small-scale waiting" is waiting in line at the post office, in a traffic jam, at the airport, or waiting for someone to arrive, to finish work, and so on. "Large-scale waiting" is waiting for the next vacation, for a better job, for the children to grow up, for a truly meaningful relationship, for success, to make money, to be important, to become enlightened. It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living. Waiting is a state of mind. Basically, it means that you want the future; you don't want the present. You don't want what you've got, and you want what you haven't got. With every kind of waiting, you unconsciously create inner conflict between your here and now, where you don't want to be, and the projected future, where you want to be. This greatly reduces the quality of your life by making you lose the present. For example, many people are waiting for prosperity. It cannot come in the future. When you honor, acknowledge, and fully accept your present reality -- where you are, who you are, what you are doing right now -- when you fully accept what you have got, you are grateful for what you have got, grateful for what is, grateful for Being. Gratitude for the present moment and the fullness of life now is true prosperity. It cannot come in the future. Then, in time, that prosperity manifests for you in various ways. If you are dissatisfied with what you have got, or even frustrated or angry about your present lack, that may motivate you to become rich, but even if you do make millions, you will continue to experience the inner condition of lack, and deep down you will continue to feel unfulfilled. You may have many exciting experiences that money can buy, but they will come and go and always leave you with an empty feeling and the need for further physical or psychological gratification. You won't abide in Being and so feel the fullness of life now that alone is true prosperity. GIVE UP WAITING AS A STATE OF MIND When you catch yourself slipping into waiting ... snap out of it. Come into the present moment. Just be, and enjoy being. If you are present, there is never any need for you to wait for anything. So next time somebody says, "Sorry to have kept you waiting," you can reply, "That's all right, I wasn't waiting. I was just standing here enjoying myself -- in joy in my self." BE HERE TOTALLY These are just a few of the habitual mind strategies for denying the present moment that are part of ordinary unconsciousness. They are easy to overlook because they are so much a part of normal living: the background static of perpetual discontent. But the more you practice monitoring your inner mental-emotional state, the easier it will be to know when you have been trapped in past or future, which is to say unconscious, and to awaken out of the dream of time into the present. But beware: The false, unhappy self, based on mind identification, lives on time. It knows that the present moment is its own death and so feels very threatened by it. It will do all it can to take you out of it. It will try to keep you trapped in time. In a sense, the state of presence could be compared to waiting. It is a qualitatively different kind of waiting, one that requires your total alertness. Something could happen at any moment, and if you are not absolutely awake, absolutely still, you will miss it. In that state, all your attention is in the Now. There is none left for daydreaming, thinking, remembering, anticipating. There is no tension in it, no fear, just alert presence. You are present with your whole Being, with every cell of your body. In that state, the "you" that has a past and a future, the personality if you like, is hardly there anymore. And yet nothing of value is lost. You are still essentially yourself. In fact, you are more fully yourself than you ever were before, or rather it is only now that you are truly yourself. The past cannot survive in your presence. Whatever you need to know about the unconscious past in you, the challenges of the present will bring it out. If you delve into the past, it will become a bottomless pit: There is always more. You may think that you need more time to understand the past or become free of it, in other words, that the future will eventually free you of the past. This is a delusion. Only the present can free you of the past. More time cannot free you of time. THE POWER OF YOUR PRESENCE Access the power of Now. That is the key. The power of Now is none other than the power of your presence, your consciousness liberated from thought forms. So deal with the past on the level of the present. The more attention you give to the past, the more you energize it, and the more likely you are to make a "self" out of it. ATTENTION IS ESSENTIAL Don't misunderstand: Attention is essential, but not to the past as past. Give attention to the present; give attention to your behavior, to your reactions, moods, thoughts, emotions, fears, and desires as they occur in the present. There's the past in you. If you can be present enough to watch all those things, not critically or analytically but nonjudgmentally, then you are dealing with the past and dissolving it through the power of your presence. You cannot find yourself by going into the past. You find yourself by coming into the present.

Wild Swan Mood

Awen — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 15:51:16 GMT

The Wild Swans At Coole THE trees are in their autumn beauty, The woodland paths are dry, Under the October twilight the water Mirrors a still sky; Upon the brimming water among the stones Are nine-and-fifty Swans. The nineteenth autumn has come upon me Since I first made my count; I saw, before I had well finished, All suddenly mount And scatter wheeling in great broken rings Upon their clamorous wings. I have looked upon those brilliant creatures, And now my heart is sore. All's changed since I, hearing at twilight, The first time on this shore, The bell-beat of their wings above my head, Trod with a lighter tread. Unwearied still, lover by lover, They paddle in the cold Companionable streams or climb the air; Their hearts have not grown old; Passion or conquest, wander where they will, Attend upon them still. But now they drift on the still water, Mysterious, beautiful; Among what rushes will they build, By what lake's edge or pool Delight men's eyes when I awake some day To find they have flown away? Poem: William Butler Yeats Canvas: Ben Galloway Current Book: "Twelve Wild Swans", by Hilary Valentine and Starhawk

Fantasy

Awen — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 13:55:51 GMT

I'm very disappointed with my boyfriend. I'm on the verge of losing my current job due to my irregular situation here at the company and in this country, and frankly he proves time after time that he's a loser who bends his knees to the Vatican every single day we live together. When I accepted this job, I agreed that I would regularize my laboral and residence situation here in Spain as soon as possible, because I was convinced Jose would agree to at least marry me. I say "at least" because after everything I have gone through to be here with him, the next logical step (a bit too late, but still on time) would be him showing some decision for the first time and legitimating our status as an actual couple and giving me the right to stand on my own two feet. Very fortunately, Spain is one of the unique countries in this doomed world where gays have the same rights as straight citizens, and we have all circumstances from all sides showing us that marriage is all we need. For my job, for travelling, for visitting my friends in Sampa. Stuff I used to have, and left behind in order to be with him. And last time I approached the subject with him, he put the decision in his family's hands. What made me cross the Equator and the Atlantic was a man. I come here to find time and time again a catholic schoolboy who has never lived alone before and wants to be 18 forever. What's wrong with his generation?? I obviously don't mean wearing a peinera or a white gown with a long tail or do the bouquet thing, but I'm talking about the next natural step in order to take this relationship to a higher ground and a more fulfilling and solid constitution. Maturity. Something Jose deep inside abhors. When I mention all the difficulties I have living here, he says I shouldn't be afraid because he can pay the bills, that I won't go hungry, homeless or deprived. That I can depend on him. But there's a whole universe more to life than relying on your boyfriend's money. It's precisely because I certainly understand I cannot deposit on Jose my needs or expectations that I need him to help me up to the next step. So far, I got all I have here alone (or rather, with some incredible help from my father): the flight ticket, the job, the monthly international bank transfers in which I lose 20% of the money I make on fees and taxes, a tiny but promising social circle. Now is the time, for the first time, to get to do something as a couple, so that I'm at least entitled to go after some actual language tuition, the right to come and go and minimum professional stability. I simply can't understand how small a person's mind can be in order to not understand this after eight months living together. We don't have a mortgage to pay, or kids to send to University. We should be living big. Frankly, I am not making any other sacrifices for this relationship, in part because I don't have anything else left to be sacrificed, but also because it takes two to tango. And when we went to Buenos Aires to celebrate our first year together, we couldn't tango. He was arguing and putting out sarcasm shows the whole lesson. This morning on my Morning Pages, I reminisced the first movie we saw together that both of us enjoyed (the other one was "Earth"), "Pan's Labyrinth"/"El Laberinto del Fauno". The most impressive aspect of the experience is that we saw completely different films that December evening. Jose saw a schizophrenic small child, afraid of the terror adults imposed on her. I saw a warrior tale of a brave runaway coming back home, retrieving her royal and real conditions and dying away to a world of death, famine, fear, abuse and illusion as she gained freedom and moved on to her actual life. Figures. The silver screen is but a mirror, and after a whole life of storytellings, I know I can't deny the power of stories to shred illusions and embrace Life. He's right when he accuses me of living in Fantasy. Isn't Fantasy another way to bail through the tides of Illusion and reach out for the Truth? He wouldn't be able to speak the truth straight--never have. He's the master and the slave of Sarcasm. There's only many ways to tell the Truth, and I don't share one with the 38-year-old catholic schoolboy. Image: the Little Mermaid, Andersen's hero who leaves her royal condition behind, deprives herself of her voice, gives in her swimming tail and ends up being unable to stand on her legs, all in order to be with somebody who in the end had never been with her. A lonely creature of the Crossroads.

New Year Resolution

Awen — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 20:08:22 GMT

i. When midnight bells ring In still waters flow a river In silent contemplation Clear water is my mirror ·Feeding land, melting ice ·Lonely river free ·Through the wild sky at dawn ·Waters washing fear ii. When the clock beats twelve All my minds will know Waters may be still Aware where they flow ·Rely on what is mine ·Ken to trust the gut ·Eyes open, vision clear ·Cornerstone, keep shut

There's me

Awen — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 16:34:10 GMT

1. Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with? Sure thing and right now! 2. Sex in the morning, afternoon or night? Anytime, with the right guy. 3. What side of the bed do you sleep on? On the right. But that's really the wrong for me, 'cos I always sleep sideways facing right. 4. Pork, beef, or chicken? Tofurkey. 5. Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke? Yeah. My family's Summers were always in the mountains. 6. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money? No. 7. Shower or bath? Shower. Hot, and preferably with company. 8. Do you pee in the shower? What, do ppl actually do that?? 9. Mexican or Chinese? Chinese. Southern China, spicy. 10. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed? I want someone unpredictable. 11. Do you love someone on your friends list? I love almost everybody there. 12. Do you know all the people on your friends list? No. Some are actually complete strangers. 13. Love or money? Both. 14. Credit cards or cash? Credit cards. Reminds me money is not a paper bill or metallic coins, but a state of mind in action. 15. Has there ever been anyone in your family you wish wasn't? Yeah. Hell, yeah. All the time. 16. Would you rather go camping or to a 5 star hotel? A five star hotel, most definetely! 17. What is the weirdest place you have had sex? My parents' bedroom. Not their bed, though. 18. Would you shave your entire body (including your head) for money? Yeah, but that'd have to be too much money, so I don't think anybody could pay the whole price. 19. Have you ever been to a strip club? Yeah. 20. Ever been to a bar? Ugh, yeah. 21. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club? Alas, no. Neither had the courage to kick myself out for my own good. 22. Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere? No. 23. Kissed someone of the same sex? Hmmm... No, but I'm looking for candidates to be my first time. :D 24. Favorite drink? Morangoska/Strawberry caipiroska. 25. Had sex in a movie theater? Yeah, but didn't cum. Neither did he. Them. 26. Had sex in a bathroom? All the time. 27. Have you ever had sex at work? No. But I have masturbated. 28. Have you ever been in an "adult" store? No, and I have no idea why... 29. Bought something from an adult store? No. And I have no idea what I'd buy, except for maybe videos. 30. Have you been caught having sex? Pfff... yeah, and several times. In my early teens, I had a buddy who's now engaged to a girl. He came to stay with his aunt in my neighbourhood every Summer. We had sex everyday I think, and my mom and my sister always came into the bedroom without knocking. 31. Does anyone have naughty pics of you? Yes. Haha. But no nudity. 32. Have you ever had sex with someone and called them the wrong name? No, but I call my boyfriend 'mom' or 'dad' everytime he has to wake me up! :D 33. Who do you think has the guts to repost this? Everybody on my list. If they didn't, they wouldn't be there. Or they committed a mistake adding me.

The Darkest Hour

Awen — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 13:47:01 GMT

I'm for the first time in my life experiencing the gradual withering of Nature. I can see a long shadow projected on the ground at noon, most trees have no leaves anymore, it sleeted just the other day, peaches have disappeared from the grocery. It's a bit strange to witness all this without creating a whole ritual with a group, or chanting invocations and prayers. Just letting Nature do Its work. Winter, and its brand new order, finally begin to finds its way to my life. The Light shows signs of wanting to be born again, yeah, though the ice is still on the way. On Thursday, I attended a panel about Homossexuality and Religion in a local university. One of the participants represented Wicca. I felt much more connected to what most of the catholics said, and didn't really feel represented in the Wiccan talk, so I decided to take a chance at the end of the event when everybody was done speaking (Spaniard style, I'd say) to mention that contrary to the idea the Wiccan on stage gave, Pagan traditions are very much community-oriented and, yes, Love is also paramount on my Path. I think I got to actually close the night when I quote Doreen Valiente's bit of the Charge: "All acts of love and pleasure are my rituals". I just had to add my two cents, that's me. Nevertheless, I got the contacts of the speaker and am still to get in touch with him. On Saturday night, Lady Bartlett hosted the Faerie Heart Circle. I was all excited for it, left my gay meditation group early to attend it, but in the end, I let shame, guilt and the boyfriend all together ruin the experience for me. The group is to meet again. I'll hope I know better next time. The Osho Zen Tarot I bought on Amazon.com finally arrived and I started playing with it this weekend. I'm doing the card-a-day thing till I light up all the symbols in there and assimilate the whole vision behind that deck, which by the way is SO beautiful. I first used that deck in an Osho meditations workshop I got some five years ago in Rio. Now I finally own it. So, I could bet that I am now just before the break of Dawn. Sometime soon, the Sun will rise again and the Light will be back. Meanwhile, I coccoon and hold the vision.

1 + 1 = 3

Awen — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 08:36:21 GMT

At this point of my life, with already a great deal of my identity figured out, much of my talents and personal weaknesses uncovered and a vision of what I want to do with my life pretty clear, I figure that the Red Thread's tossed me across the Ocean all by myself and partially language-deprived to force me to learn how to sort through levels of relationships. Specifically, to try to figure out how relationships and that mind-boggling 1+1=3 effect that you get more often than advisable for a predictable social life or the preservation of innocence. I'm writing with a specific scene in mind, and while the topic of the writing is new, the scene itself is not. Yes, it's one of those meals with Jose's friends I'm still totally unused to and generally deprived of means to live through without feeling like an emotional mess afterwards. Last Saturday night, which is traditionally NOT my favourite part of the week, the topic was me. Me, overeating at the table; me, and the bad choice vegetarianism is; me and my tummy; me and how I am one of those people that love appearing on photos and everything else petty people love to talk about. I recall one of these cheesy posters with landscape backgrounds and pocket-wisdom sayings in cursive fonts that have always been pretty popular in Brazil from when I was a kid: "Pessoas grandes falam de idéias. Pessoas medianas falam de fatos. Pessoas pequenas falam de pessoas." [Big people talk about ideas. Medium people talk about facts. Small people talk about people.] I can relate. And maybe due to seeing that poster so many times over and over, it probably sank in for good, and just staying in an environment where other people are the topic makes me sick. Being the topic is even worse. Let alone the little fluency in the language that frustrates a profoundly language-oriented person like myself. There were days when it used to be pretty simple. Back in my teens, when I was a loner, or in my early adulthood, when anytime I found myself in a freak show I simply phased out and moved on to swim in healthier waters. A frustrated coven, workmates, feri witchcraft, neighbourhood gossipers and--the ultimate crucible--extended family are people you can easily forward somewhere else you're precisely avoiding to be. Leaving money for your share of the bill, standing up and walking away used to be so easy. In a good deal of not-so-recent, teenage, witchcraft-theme films, samples of the collective hysteria that a group in which relationships deeper than the intelligence of individuals comprised therein brews seem pretty much veracious and have been proven very much truthful and true in my own experience. And after a certain point in your life, when life becomes a little more complex, the risk is still present, but the on-off relationship switch ain't so close at hand. It is possible that what makes people's irrationality looks worse and worse over time is the contrast you feel with your own level of (un)awareness(?) and sensitivy to your own Shadow, but I'm actually inclined to blame it on the 1+1=3 equation. When you take somebody else into your life and slowly begin to live life as two, you're necessarily bringing in whatever life they've lived so far. Bad luck it's a bunch of fossiles from the eighties, obsessed with looks, driven by the extremely old-fashioned perfect-body craze and heeding no spiritual callings whatsoever. Legacy. Dowry. I'm pretty glad I've lived my own life before moving in up here, and I comprehend it's probably hard for him, too. Taking wonderstock again, I realise that too much of what I've been writing and musing about is actually the part of my life that used to not be my life. I might just as well use all my powers to deal with the new 'past' as I successfully did with my personal-individual one.

Pilgrim

Awen — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 15:14:42 GMT

The Travelling God rules over Wednesday, but I've come to realise that the old nursery rhyme is more accurate. We, Thursday babies, have Far-to-go in our genetic programme. At least, I do. And the further I walk, the closer I am to a spiritual home. Over these past two blogless months I have trodden many roads. In motion, roots naturally grow stronger: my relationships are more solid and mature and I finally get a sense of serenity around me, if only a bit over half of the time. I have a job now. I can't believe I haven't been able to record this here in the Book of Crossroads yet, but here it is. Probably the biggest achievement I could've gotten in this first phase of my settling in Madrid. I do subtitles for Portuguese television, Fox channel. I used to be translating, but they decided my Brazilian flavour on the language is not welcome here in the Developed World, and now I'm just synchronizing the text the Europeans translate with the US actors' voices. The office is way far from my home and due to bureaucracy and other visa issues, I'm having a real hard time getting my hands on my money (I still haven't received the October payment yet), but at least I have got a huge window behind my computer screen, wherethrough I can lay my eyes and let my spirit take off above the oak grove every now and then. I dumped the old vocal coach. Too much shit to take from a very unprofessional person, to whom I had to pay 20 euros an hour, so I just decided that Der Abschied was in order. Because the Red Thread is always there, about two weeks later I got a heads-up for a more interesting (if only more expensive) vocal coach. Speaking of which, I finally debuted as a working artist here in Spain. Last Saturday, I performed with my choir in a wedding ceremony in a small, well-off village just outside Madrid. The Wheel does start spinning after you say the first Yes. And besides having some needs met, after two months of broken computer I've confirmed how important it is for me to write and to remain in touch with this Otherworld that the Internet is. It connects me to my kin across the Ocean and makes my world larger, giving me more room to roam. It performs a sort of chiropractic on the road ahead. And the farther I wander, the more aware I get. The clearer I have what I want and what I need. If the Ways of the Land are my Religion of choice, I can certainly listen to the answers the Land gives me and I caress it with my moving feet. On I walk. No Merry-go-rounds. Image: The symbol of Camino de Santiago, the most important pilgrimage in the Western World, going through the beautiful city of León. Shot on one of my many trips this Autumn.

Couldn't help!

Awen — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 09:43:33 GMT

1. Who was the last person to call you baby? Can't recall, but probably somebody being sarcastic. 2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart? Not always. In Sampa, when shopping at the HUGE supermarket, there was no means to return the car by myself when leaving the super-busy place. When at the small version two blocks from my old home, I always did. In Spain we don't use carts. 3. If you had to kiss the last person you kissed, would you? Yes. 4. Has someone ever sang a song to you? Yes. I had a boyfriend who was a singer-songwriter once, and he used to sing to me everything he wrote. I was probably the only person who had ever heard his songs by then. 5. Do you play Sudoku? No, and I feel secretly guilty for that. I simply can't buy this brain-boosting hysteria that's swept over the whole of Humanity now. Besides, I hate mathematics. I can't concentrate enough to do calculus. 6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness would you survive? Not one day. 7. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you would do? Cry for help. 8. Who was the last person you shared a bed with? My boyfriend. 9. Who do you text the most? Mobile, Diane. Internet, everybody I know except for my boyfriend. 10. Who last said they loved you? Does 'me, too' count as 'I love you'?? 11. What color are your eyes? Today, they are (estar) golden hazel. But they are (ser) everchanging colours along the brown-yellow spectrum. 12. How tall are you? 1.79 m. 13. Do you like your parents? Yeah, from this distance, yes, I do. 14. Do you secretly like someone? No. Not secretly. 15. Why did your last relationship end? Tired of the abuse. 16. Who was the last person you said you loved on the phone? Mom. 17. Favorite ex-Beatle? George. I'm original, and I'm scared of hippies now. 18. Where was the furthest place you traveled? To the South, Buenos Aires. To the North, Galicia. To the East, Cuenca. To the West, Minas Gerais. 19. Do you like mustard? Yes, very much. 20. Do you prefer to sleep or eat? What kind of question is this? 21. Do you look like your mom or dad? No. But I was told I look like my grandfather. I disagre, though. 22. How long does it take you in the shower? Long, very long. I know I'm wrong and that it's ecologically awful, but fuck, I don't smoke, don't eat meat, always use public transport, don't abuse anybody. I deserve long showers everyday. Sue me. 23. Can you do splits? No. I'm inflexible, weak and clumsy. Physically. And emotionally too, come to think of it. 24. What movie do you want to see right now? Almost all of them. But the new Harry Potter and Shrek 3rd are really calling me. 25. What did you do for New Year's Eve? Wore a t-shirt where I wrote, 'I write my own History' with a marker and my own hands. 26. Do you think The Grudge was crappy? No idea. 27. Was your mom a cheerleader? Probably she would if there were things like that in Brazil. Popularity, appearance and approval is what she lives and dies for. 28. What's the last letter of your middle name? O. Not middle name. First Surname. 29. How many hours of sleep do you get a night? 8 or 9. Sometimes, I sleep even more. 30. Do you like Care Bears? Yes, especially when the other animals joined. I liked the elephant, the bunny, the cat, etc. Diversity. 31. What do you buy at the Movies? Mint. I think it's awful to carry food and drinks to the projection room. 32. Do you know how to play poker? No, I don't. 33. Do you wear your seatbelt? Yeah. 34. What do you wear to sleep? Tee-shirt and underwear. 35. Anything big ever happen in your town? Yeah, I suppose. 36. Is your hair straight or curly? More curly than straight. 37. Is your tongue pierced? No. 38. Do you like Liver and Onions? Yes, onions. 39. Do you like funny or serious people better? Funny. Serious people's way of being funny is irony and sarcasm, and lately I'm on a zero tolerance politics for ppl who can't get a point made straight and clear. 40. Ever been to L.A.? No. Neither NYC. 41. Who or what is on your mind right now? Cool people who are in LA and NYC right now. 42. Any plans for tonight? A world music concert downtown, with music from the countries along the Silk Road. 43. What's your favorite song at the moment? 'Down By the Salley Gardens' (Irish folk), a song I sang in my performance last year's Pagan Pride Day in Sampa. 44. Do you hate chocolate? No. 45. Are you in college? No. 46. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy? I remember being happy before without a boyfriend, so I suppose I don't need one. 47. If you could have any job what would it be? I'd say a Care Bear, but I don't think it'd work in a world like this. So, no jobs, just a wonderful income out of the blue, so I could live my life on selfish hobbies and narcisistic creative projects. 48. Are you easy to get along with? Probably not. I'm too stupid and gullible. 49. What is your favorite time of day? Early evening, just after sunset. 50. Are you a generally happy person? Yes!

Ground Zero Day

Awen — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 16:44:40 GMT

‘Fa la-a la la la-a We stand on Solid Ground on Solid Ground Fa la-a la la la-a We stand on Solid Ground It's the land-it is our wisdom It's the land-it shines us through It's the land-it feeds our children It's the land-you cannot own the land The land owns you’ (Dougie MacLean – ‘Solid Ground’) Today is the day we remember one of the direst and sorriest consequences of a very serious disease which worst symptoms are greed, xenophobia, stereotypes and, worst of all, nationalism. Today we recall an icon of capitalist achievement being destroyed by its very worst nature. Six years on Ground Zero. May the tragedy of being forced to hit the ground from the highest height we had reached by then teach us to bring to ashes whatever walls and towers separates us from each other and from the Land. Today we celebrate that what brings us together is stronger, more unbreakable than what keeps us apart.

I'll be your Monkey

Awen — Sat, 08 Sep 2007 18:18:24 GMT

***You Would Be a Pet Monkey*** Smart and unbridled, you are truly unpredictable... and a little crazy. You're very playful and funny, but you're also moody and aggressive. You're have the personality of a wild animal, which is both scary and entertaining. Why you would make a great pet: You're very smart and you know how to charm people Why you would make a bad pet: When you don't get your way, you're a bit of a monster What you would love about being a monkey: Playing interesting games with humans What you would hate about being a monkey: Not being quite smart enough to be a human! What Kind of Pet Would You Be? http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofpetwouldyoubequiz/

The Healing of Our Role

Awen — Wed, 05 Sep 2007 08:05:12 GMT

It frequently startles me how, everytime I stir some very specific shit in my blog, everywhere around me, people are clearing more or less the same specific block in a way. That’s probably why I like to keep part of my Book of Stars public. To give Synchronicity a helping hand. Synchronicity means that the world outside conforms to match what’s going on in the world within. I have had many proofs throughout my life that the biggest contribution I can make is writing far and deep. As I stir shit of my own, it’s like an exorcism goes on in the collective subconscious, and because no accusation is being made, people seem to tune to the momentum more easily and with less shock. The kind of kid I was usually grows up to be the losers, the evil rulers and the rapists of the world. The reasons why are extensive and probably too disturbing to be disclosed here, but I can only be profoundly relieved and honestly proud that I grew up to be a healthy gay man with a very clear role in his community, wherever he is. Humble to address his imperfections, proud to stand stronger than they. Free from dogma, we are able to understand why the Goddess, through Doreen Valiente, wishes there is both Pride and Humility in us. Only with the combination of what is taught to be antagonisms, we are free to come to our full Power, which is Her own. (Gee, does anybody say ‘Iron Pentacle’?) Image: Reikian symbol Sei He Ki, used to clear deep issues and promote emotional healing.

Shame

Awen — Mon, 03 Sep 2007 13:32:21 GMT

I know all too well that shame is a controlling device, that it’s used to repress the individual in favour of social security, or to teach a child by force to put others before herself. But truth is that getting rid of this awful feeling is NOT as easy as advertised on several witchcraft training programmes or self-help books. After four months landing, feeling stifled and isolated, and living in a place where the attitude towards shame is radically the opposite from my native land, I’ve been having a really hard time. Old (hurt) feelings have been arising all the time, taking my sleep from me, or inundating me with painful memories of guilt, resentment, ridicule and failure. And, Gods, I have many. I can only suppose that since leaving Rio, I was doing pretty well in this, in overcoming and outgrowing the Shame that was branding-ironed on me through my whole, horrible upbringing. I found my place as a bard in my Pagan Community, my head was light and working at full speed, my vision was clear, my phisical body en-light-ened almost 36 lbs (16 Kgs) off, I felt the sincere need to help the Oneness I’m generally part of with my actual gifts and charms, and I opened myself to truly fall in love for the first time. I had other motives and other motions. I was a lot less afraid. I had finally come to a place where I gained lots of social and inner approval, probably for the first time in my life, and I quit being a numbed out, selfish brat causing commotion and taking over everywhere I went. No surprise then, that everytime I was visitting with my parents, nightmares and synchronicities made the shit resurface. Moving to Madrid was definetely far from being a retrocession; more accurately it was an advance, and it catapulted me overnight to a point where I’d have to learn how to pluck this from the root, and put my tools to use. Quite literally. I live now in a place people have gone far and away from a place of shame a long time ago. I suppose there are some very clear reasons for that, or at least I can think of some, but it just doesn’t matter. The thing is that seeing people looking and acting totally disconsiderate of others and feeling fine about that (e.g., smoking in a restaurant while other people eat, parking the car anywhere, throwing a noisy party at the cinema while the film is being projected, walking up and down with their unleashed dogs messing with other people and other dogs) has bred in me a type of vicarious shame, where I feel bad and constrained for everyone around me, who don’t give a damn if they’re ruining somebody else’s day (or life!) or not. Because I took a bit too long to realise that, and because I haven’t had a day job for too long now, I began to let shameful memories and feelings from my past to reemerge. And that stinks big time. I suppose there are many quick-and-easy ways out there to overcome shame: the Iron Pentacle, the Love-Over-Fear panacea, a healthy relationship with God, healing abusive relationships from your past, a superb community, writing, venting, airing, ventilating. They all might work, but without constant vigilance, Shame resurfaces and without being dealt with URGENTLY, it takes over your day and your night, and is most likely to take over your relationships, too. Because a person who is controlled by her own Shame will try (and succeed) to make other people ashamed of themselves, too, no matter how good the intentions are. I know that too well, from being both on the giving and the receiving end of the Chain of Shame.

The new coach

Awen — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 11:04:17 GMT

One single lesson is definetely not enough to tell if you click with a new vocal coach, or if you two match, but I can certainly say that the experience felt very encouraging and inspiring to go back to my favourite form of music, the lied. I was in her place for two whole hours, in which I told her about my previous training, my plans, and my needs; and she told me about her own background, how she can help me, and we burnt CDs with scores and recordings of great performances of a piece we’ll be studying together—Schubert’s ‘Die Schöne Wüllerin’ song cycle. We did vocalizes, so that she could check my voice, and worked on an arietta I’d been working to exhaustion with my previous vocal coach in Sao Paulo, Giordani’s ‘Caro Mio Ben’. The teacher is from Cuba, where she had most of her training, so she’s already warned she’s strict and demanding. Not that it was necessary, because while we were doing ‘Caro Mio Ben’, she went through each musical phrase, making sure I got everything in perfect tune. She also made me control my unquiet, ever-swinging body during the exercises. However militar, she was pretty nice and generous—gave me TWO lessons in a row for the price of one!! I got home, burnt some Ian Bostridge MP3s, checked some of the scores she burnt for me, sorted through my collection of classical singers and studied the first verse in the first lied she assigned me. So far, it’s working!! Image: Daniel Taylor, a Canadian counter-tenor my ex-vocal coach adores, playing the part of Oberon in Britten’s musical setting to ‘Midsummer’s Night Dream’ by Shakespeare, in Pittsburgh. Celena Shafer is Tytania, and Justin Brill is Puck.

Finally

Awen — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 12:50:10 GMT

Today, I finally resume my vocal training here in Madrid. I’ll have my first lesson with my new vocal coach this afternoon, five o’clock - local time. Let’s see if I can still hit the High C! Image: Italian tenor Roberto Alagna performing at the Nobel Peace Prize Concert.

Wonderstock

Awen — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 12:38:32 GMT

Over one week without your worst addiction and favourite creative block does things to you. To me, a broken computer—and a very exciting visit to the Witchcraft Museum in Castilla Y León—made me finish three books I’d been ‘reading’ for the past three months, write at least two songs, walk the Labyrinth on a daily basis and, best of all, go back to my magical log book, which I call ‘Book of Stars’ instead of the usual ‘book of shadows’. My Book of Stars feels very clearing, infinite and full of bright gems to me. I had been keeping records of my Otherworld visits, synchronicities, skills learnt, tools acquired and general experiences since when I was 11 years old, but I made that a solid habit and a diligent procedure in 2003, which was perfect timing, right when I went really down with one of the hugest depression crises to date. Taking stock opens the doors to Wonders. Clowns, faeries, ghosts, and all the fantastic fauna pressed and squashed between the pages are able to breathe again, and come together with you, to heal, recover, and retrieve a natural and very healthy sense of Pride. The kind that usually fades out when you move in with somebody else, a long way from the place you first called home. All lives are filled with wonder. We all fly to the Stars, excavate ancient treasures and swim the Waters of Life on a regular basis; we are just not trained to remember that when quotidian life tramples over the delicate signals we receive all the time. Without a travel log, it is easy to forget how a hazelnut guaranteed the passage to the Mystic Grove, and how a shower with water of white roses prepared one to meet the Lady of the Lake in Her underwater castle. But as you recollect and reminisce, you marvel at how present the wisdom and the learning of it all has always followed you, everywhere and all the time. Plans to expand the circumference of my praxis magica have already been put to practice. And some others for a more systematized Book of Stars are soon to be, too. As I have grown denser and more comprehensive with age, I feel the need of a corresponding travel log, especially for easier reference and wiser record keeping. I’ll probably be glad I did it another four years in the Future. Onward, I turn. Spiralwise. Image: One of Lady Cottington’s victims, displayed in her ‘Pressed Fairy Book’, by Brian Froud. Do not pity him. As soon as the book is open, he’ll be alive again.

I did.

Awen — Sun, 12 Aug 2007 10:05:07 GMT

AFTER A WHILE After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t always mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure you really are strong you really do have worth and you learn and you learn with every goodbye, you learn… (Veronica A. Shoffstal, 1971) I feel homesick, tribeless, and profoundly free. There is a paradox somewhere in the process of getting what you need, because when you do, you miss your old life. It must be, though, in the tiny print at the bottom of the contract. However, it kinda teaches you that all lives and ways of living have their blessings, and all blessings should be treasured. They’re what brings more in. Part of the Wisdom of the Crossroads is that, once you choose your path, you need to carry on. Looking back may be useful and warming, but holding back won't let you have either of the crossed ways. What are the blessings of your life as it is now?