By Her Grace, part II

greetings all

wanted to post again as i draw close to the end of this odyssey through india with the Mother Divine.

words fail me a little right now but i will do my best. i will just say up front that Amma's Grace is the soul nectar supreme, and that i have grown and healed, opened and awakened incredibly in the field of her Love, now experienced for five continual weeks. physically there have been challenges for sure, moving to another town every three or four days, twenty hour bus rides, some physical illness, the dirt and chaos of indian cities, the dusty desolation of the indian countryside (how? how can a billion people be fed from this hardscrabble, barren land?), the proteinless rice gruel meal after meals--and i wouldn't trade a thing from any of it! because there has been Amma, Amma, and more Amma--Amma brewing tea for us and humbly working on new bhajans on the banks of a river at sunset. Amma assuming a Krishna-bhava mood on the indian holiday of Holi--this is the holiday where kids all over the country go nuts with colored waters and powders and splash everyone and everything in sight, i saw the Mother transform that night into the most impish, punky boss-kid with the most mischevious, luminous eyes i ever saw (i later heard that "lotus-eyes" are a characteristic of Krishna, and indeed that is what i saw happen--Amma became Krishna for this hour!) as she streaked paint on the faces of all who came to darshan, cackling uproariously all the while, as she stood up on her chair and blasted colored water all about like some maniacal Rambo of fun, who who WHO will she strike next? oh Mother me me ME! then she erupted into this punjabi song she has been singing, arms in the air fingers snapping, as she mugged and posed and delighted us all with the charisma of ten pop divas! that for sure was a top ten life experience! and of course, there have been endless breathless hours of just sitting with Amma as she recieves soul after soul after soul into Her Heart, and with the giant crowds in India sometimes she moves fast fast fast! hair flying around her head like spiraling lightning bolts, recieving person after person, question after question, like some mythic eight armed Hindu goddess, all motion and energy and love. and all of us on the tour getting chances to contribute in our own human ways to the love that is generated, the other day i got to wipe the faces of all the men who came up for darshan for part of the evening, how tender and intimate to smile into and touch face after face just moments before they all went for darshan. lots of other little sevas as well, but that one was espeacially memorable.

so best and most importantly of all, as far as my life is concerned, is the way my consciousness is flowing these past days and now, i can't really explain the mechanics of what has been happening but i just basically feel so open, clear, embracing myself as i am, of life as it is, of almost everyone i meet just as they are. if there are judgements or shames or guilts, i am mostly able to stay in a state of non-doership and not get involved with the suffering thoughts and emotions. i feel that Amma guided me to an advaitan teacher in bombay called Ramesh Balsekar, sat with him for four mornings--i have always had a strong leaning towards advaita since i encountered it, and something about his energy, the way he humorously, warmly, and penetratingly presented his teachings (and of course lived them!) really has affected me deeply...rather than me trying to accept life as it is, work with my emotions, srihari/jess trying to reach some optimal state within myself... he has offered me a paradigm shift, to observe all of the happenings of my life within my body and outside my body as a non-doer in full trust that Cosmic Will is being expressed through each being and each circumstance at all times, to do what i want with the full knowledge that it is all destiny...well it has been a great, great lift to my spirit, no conflict whatsoever with the essential spirit of Amma's teachings for me, and has in fact drawn me closer to the Holy Mother for i no longer fear not living up to some perceived ideal (which i was torturing myself with for some time based on my perceptions of things i read that Amma said in Her language of Malayalam, translated into English, to a group of monks 25 years ago! what Amma has said and done with me, directly, has only ever brought me peace) i could go on and on about my appreciation of advaita and for the great gift of meeting Ramesh, and how it is helping me, anyone who wants to engage that discussion with me just let me know, i will sign off on that topic for now!

so a couple more programs to go, it has been most amazing and in all truth i am looking forward to experiencing some other flavors of life. i do believe i will go try to be with the Dalai Lama in the Himalayas as soon as the tour is done, before i head back to california...rough life, huh?!

much love, respect, to you all...

srihari

Love/Amma/Love

beloved tribe friends...
have been in amritapuri (Amma's ashram in south India)for almost three weeks now, the last two with my most beloved Divine Mother Ammachi. i have settled well and most easily into ashram life, it is kinda amazing to me how i can have so much less space (sharing a small apartment with two other blessedly quiet and conscious men) and be basically busy most of the day with chanting, meditation, yoga, selfless service, bhajans, and of course time in the hall with Amma and Her most holy darshans... my room is on the thirteenth floor facing the arabian sea, sweet sea breezes, coconut palms in every other direction, eagles and a bajillon crows cawing all the time...i just love it here!
so wow, Amma, oh my goddess i had the most gorgeous darshan the other night, i went to get my guitar blessed, polished it up and put on new strings to get it ready for the Holy Mothers touch--and then i was most blessedly and startlingly bewitched!--Amma hugged me and that was blissful as usual, and then i handed Her the guitar and everything kinda slowed down and Amma held my guitar most gently and lovingly and started to tickle the strings...and then She looked soooooo deeply and intensely and playfully and yes seductively into my eyes, and Her eyes (usually dark brown to almost black) according to me in that moment turned into the most lovely shades of light brown and yes GREEN if you can believe that, and she looked sooo lovely and about 22 years old, and i uttered completely joyfully/helplessly ohhhh Amma! and she smiled enchantingly and looked even deeper as she continued to play my heartstrings as i just melted and smiled hugely, and then she topped it all off by planting a big passionate kiss on my guitar, i spontaneously grabbed the other side and kissed it just as passionately (almost like i was kissing Amma!), and then the spell was broken and Amma, 53 year old Indian satguru, was just laughing and laughing....i have since learned that the goddess Saraswati plays an instrument called the vina that is kinda like an indian guitar, and someone gave me a picture of her and i have no doubt that Amma was showing me her Saraswati self and calling me home--and i have now had several experiences which make me feel that Amma is not only my Mother and Lord but also my most holy, holy Lover....
i have had a couple other really powerful experiences with Her, including getting to ask and receive a detailed question and answer in front of the whole ashram...Amma really seemed to like my question and i got a most valuable answer...it was regarding what is the proper relationship between money and a householder and spiritual aspirant, as in is it really good to be spending so much on myself when there is so much need in this world. Amma said that She normally doesn't speak to this subject as She does not want it to be said that She is telling everyone to stop buying things for themselves and to give all their money to Her, but since one of us asked she would speak to it...Amma basically said that we should buy just what we need, by all means get the roof fixed if it is leaking etc, and that yes we could decorate our homes and bodies but not have to have super luxury, or the best of the best, or the tastiest most expensive foods. She said that every day thousands of people come to her in most dire and desperate need, and gave two heart wrenching examples of two such cases She encountered in darshan two days before...so the basic jist i got was, give all you can srihari! She enthusiastically emphasized how pleased she was by this inquiry...
all and all my dream of getting closer to Her, personalizing my relationship with Her seems to be coming true, i learn that the more love and devotion i bring to and show Her the more open She seems to be to flashing back facets of her infinate ultimately compassionate and magical nature...giving so many thanks for Her endless, unending Grace..
here is one to make those of you who are way into Ammachi smile, i got to go on a two day tour with Amma and about fourty devotees to Sri Lanka, came back today, basically got to experience really amazing, rare, incredible time with Mother in a small group, topped off by Her inviting us to Her apartment in the hotel in Colombo and talking story with us while we all sat around on the floor, and as if that wasn't the icing, the cherry was this morning when we were eating our box breakfasts and waiting for the airport van in the hotel lobby, and swami ramakrishna comes in and tells us that Amma wants us in the pool right now (!), well we all run down, and Amma is there in the dawn light, not in the water but sitting on a pool lounger, we all gathered at her holy lotus feet and She just looked so blessedly beautifully ordinary and divine all at once, kinda sleepy eyed, said She hadn't slept so well, fed us biscuits, gazed lovingly at us....did i dream this or what? oh my Goddess...
today, i am having the experience of feeling amma's shakti as if she was right there, all the time, and yes she is here in the ashram, but i usually don't feel it this strongly unless i am in the hall with her--i am being given a very visceral and tangible experience of ammas omnipresence, for this i am grateful, so grateful...
so things are really well with me, i hardly think of my life in california at all really, i feel balanced and happy even tho i don't have much personal space and am pretty much busy all day long, quite a shift from at times my subdued and sensitive humboldt dayze....it is sooo good to know that amritapuri is always here whenever i need to come back....
all my love,
srihari

Check out some Hafiz

The sun once glimpsed God's true nature
And has never been the same

Thus that radiant sphere
Constantly pours its energy
Upon this earth
As does He from behind
The veil

With a wonderful God like that
Why isn't everyone a screaming drunk?

Hafiz's guess is this:

Any thought that you are better or less
Than another person

Quickly
Breaks the wine
Glass