I am a dynamic person, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I
have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks,
making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate
ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I
manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in
a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing.
I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I
cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in
stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of
ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the
Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored,
I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang
gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances
free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening
wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I
have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.
Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force
demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned
me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David
Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining
room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in
the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the
CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While
on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of
terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not
apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years
ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I
have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a
toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in
San Juan, Puerto Rico, cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and
spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed
open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.