Wedding Plans Progress

As life begins to settle and the next couple years become clearer, wedding plans have begun to emerge. Initially, we waffled between two dates: 20 March or 21June. Finally, we have sewttle on sunrise, 21 June. 2009 or 2010? We're now planning for 2009!!

Period? It's flexible. Think Fairies and magic and dragons. I'm leaning late renaissance, he's leaning early 1700's. Take your pick. Anything but modern.

The largest concern is the party. The agenda begins the night before and has bocome something as follows:
20 June:
Rehersal
Rehersal Dinner (runs way late, I'm sure)
Stay up all night in preparation for sunrise ceremony!

21 June:
Sunrise ceremony
Everybody go home and SLEEP!!!

Come back in the evening for the Masked Ball (Still period, of course!)

Colors are mainly Purple and Green (think Wysteria)
Candlelight is a big thing.

Any suggestions for activities at the masked ball? We want more than just the normal wedding traditional games. We want an honest-to-god party!

I'm not DEAD yet!!

Been working much. In the heat. Need to try to avoid so much of that...

Things I want to do this summer:
1. Check out sunrise locations for the wedding.
2. Go shooting!!
3. Go Kayaking.
4. Unpack ALL of my boxes and find a place for everything!
5. Re-organize my kitchen.
6. Add plants to my water garden.
7. More clown loaches!!

and... I has CRACK!

And I feel the need to share the addiction...

pound cake, and strawberries, and yogurt, and cheesecake pudding mix, and cool whip, and lemon... and more strawberries and more cool whip!

The recipe makes something like 12 or 16 servings. I don't remember which. Anyway, I was trying to figure out how to make it so I myself could enjoy it before the entire thing went soggy, gross, or both. So, I made it single serving!

I made each of the components and put them in storage containers in the fridge. The key is a prep bowl! It's exactly 1 cup. I layer: cake, strawberries, creaminess, cake strawberries, coolwhip. It fits in the prep bowl perfectly! And it's pretty at the same time!

I'm telling myself that it's good for me. I mean, how can you go wrong with fresh strawberries? OH! What if I added bananas? Or Kiwi? Or both?? This will take some serious consideration... Anyone wanna be my guinnea pig?

an almost-recent new love...

I have a fishtank. I find it soothing to watch them swim. I don't need a TV because I have fish. The only way it gets better is to have marine fish.
But, alas, my tank sits in front of sliding glass doors, so it gets full sun for a good portion of the morning. Woe is me, for I must keep the algae cleaned out, which proves to be a never ending battle.
Then, I get a brilliant idea! "In order for the algae to stay away," says I, "something must out-compete it for the same nutrients!" I looked at my Betrothed and tell him, "I want an indoor water garden in my fishtank!"

He looks at me as if I've turned green and lost my mind. However, he faithfully follows me to the water garden store.

I explain my goal to the attendant, who listens incredibly well. She calls around. She finds a book! SHe helps identify potential plants. The book is $30, and I had set myself a $20 limit. So, I did not leave with a book, but instead left with hornwart, water clover, water lettuce, and water wyateria. Perhaps the "water" qualifier is extraneous, but I would hate to lead you to believe that I had planted the not-so-water variety in my fishtank.

My week got even better! I happened across a wad-o-water-lily-root-bundle for $7. The lilies I wanted were $30 and already started. This bundle was ready to just drop in and forget until things grew and it appeared at the surface. After 3 weeks, I have 2 lily pads on the surface of my 55-gallon tank. There are 6 more pads under the surface, presumably soaking up sunshine and nutrients to send more lily pads to the surface!
The hornwart congregated toward the sunnier end of the tank, the wysteria is thriving near the filter, the clover is taking over wherever it can reach (not a bad thing), and my water lettuce appears to be getting eaten by my fish (bad thing).

The less sunny side of the tank seemed to be missing something, so I installed a sprig of philodendren to spill down the side.

Let's be clear. I LOVE green things. I identify with green things, being a solar-powered woman and all. I DO NOT have a green thumb. I grow cactus because I can keep it alive. I took a chance on an experiment. I cut a sprig of wysteria off, planted it in a small pot, and submerged it in a large yellow bowl filled with water. I placed said bowl on my balcony to have more green outside. The first week, some of the leaves turned crispy black. But it wasn't dead yet, so I left it alone. It has sincec grown a huge mass of tentacled roots, and seems to be growing higher above the water! Water lettuce shoots got sun-scorched. Oh, well. I fear it is too shallow for the hornwart to be happy... and I haven't had the time/inclination to try to seperate some water clover. Perhaps I'll spend $4 on another pot?

I want more water plants! However, I don't want more hornwart. Now that I have hornwart, the fry are not getting eaten thoroughly enough. Now, they're big enough that the adults aren't interested in eating them! Oh, well. Survival of the fittest ensues?

I put a hummingbird feeder out on the balcony in order to attract hummingbirds. Thus far, I have failed to do so. I put the water bowl on the balcony to encourage more greenness, and I get sparrows! I don't mind the sparrows, and it's neat to watch them play in the water. It's also fun to listen to Torque ratchet at them when he can't get through the glass. The sparrows are beginning to peer into the apartment. Are they looking for my cat in order to tease him? Are they just interested in the space they can't get into?

Regardless, I have water gardens, humble as they are, and they bring me much joy. I can't wait to work on expanded project along the same vein!

When life spins out of control...

...I clean. I must have learned this behavior from my mom. I can't swear to it. However, when I can't find anything going my way, I get physically agitated. My normal can't-sit-still quality amplifies itself to irritability and literally bouncing off the walls. The only coping mechanism I have is to direct that excess energy into SOMETHING. Anything would do, really, but cleaning become the most satisfactory way to deal with it. When I'm finished, I'll have burned off the excess energy. I'm much less irritable. And my living space looks so much better! It's not usually enough to finish the job (considering I still have boxes that need upacked), but it is always strides of progress. When there is order nowhere else, I force order into my home and my life. When these "fits" hit me, I can focus on the task at hand for several hours (or more!). But they are almost universally followed by insomnia. I become so wound up that I can't bring myself down to a level that will allow me to sleep.

"Why does my life feel so out of control?" you ask.
That's difficult to say. It could be mounting anxiety over my job interview next week... My last shot at an internship this summer. It may just be my reaction to living in a state of flux. I have no classes. My work hours are incredibly flexible, so long as I show up on a day I've commited to. I'm isolated in my home while the rest of the world charges on without me... I now have time to pursue some of the creative projects I have concieved, but I don't have the funds to sponser them. On the other hand, I have time to play outside (read: work-out, ride my bike, walk, dance), but I find I'm less inspired without the company of friends or a partner to challenge me.
I want to work-out. I want my muscles to ache and my lungs to burn... I want to feel the sweat coat my body, soak my clothes, pool on my spine and run down my back... I want to return home with enough energy to crawl through a hot shower before I collapse on the bed for 20 minutes of recovery. I want that connection to another person who has become familiar with my strengths and limits, and who has learned just the right places to push me for improvement. I want to run.
BUT! I can't run. If I run, I'll max out at 15 minutes (nevermind how far I'll have gone, because it sure won't be 2 miles yet!) and spent the next 2 weeks putting myself back together with NSAIDs, muscle-relaxers, and pain-killers. Then I'd get to start the process all over again.
Why does my life feel out of control?
My limitations are creeping in on me. I have to consider whether I can really lift and relocate a bail of hay today. Can I carry and dump that 5 gallon water bucket without hurting myself? Can I schedule something over these three days, or am I going to be incapacitated? Will I need to call into work because of the things I can't control? Am I going to feel broken for the rest of my life? Will the flexibility return? Ever? Can I still accomplish the greatness that I feel inside?

But, I digress...

Classes ended, and I waited for grades. While I waited for grades, I busted my ass (with my betrothed) spring cleaning at the barn in preparation of a birth. He was born last week. He's bay, has a star, long eye-lashes... Typical adorable foal. Anyway, spring cleaning continues on the other side of the barn. This means clearing the stalls, power-washing the walls and floors, scrubbing all dirt and dust from the bars (including between them), staining all wooden surfaces, painting the bars and stall frames, scrubbing and painting the OUTSIDE of the barn, cleaning the concrete in the aisle, emptying the tack and feed rooms, vacuuming the walls, cieling and floor, wiping everything down and reloading said rooms... Oh, yeah... we also wipe down and vacuum the entire hay loft. We found Brown Recluse this year. In the horse blankets.

That started to wind down. I didn't want to burn myself out before we finished. I'm making it a point to take two days off each week. However, since classes ended, I've been waxing insomniatic. I can't get to sleep at night, so I'm up until all hours of the morning. I'm sleeping in, and some days I'm not waking feeling rested. I've been taking the Bupropion, and it feels like it's making a difference. The hopeless feelings that had been wrapped around me like a funeral shroud now only hover like a fine mist. Some days, the sun shines strong. I feel like I'm healing a little more. The only problem is my sleep schedule. The shrink is happy to throw more drugs my way if I want them. She suggested an anti-anxiety and a sleep aid. I just need to pick up some more 5-HTP. And get a schedule. Working in the evenings is fine for the farm. But if I'm going to work for the city, I need to remember how to sleep at night and get up in the morning. I have an interview a week from Friday.

On my days off, I'm not entirely sure what to do with myself. I don't have classes to study for. That seems to be contributing to the improvement on my outlook. Of course, it's supposed to be defrag time, so I'm not usually up to doing dishes, laundry, or general housecleaning. At least it seems to remain managable with a 10-15 minutes a day approach...

To make things more complicated, my back has been bothering me tremendously. Not pain. Not even pressure. Just achy in my low back. I think the bed is bothering me. The other night, I slept on a rather cushy bed and slept better than I had in a while. We already have the feather matress, so I'm not sure how to make the bed cushier.

In the past week, I have attended several dinner parties. Always, with the alcohol. Each time, I've seen friends get drunk. Drowning some pain, or escaping the here and now... Who knows. I don't have any problems with a little "lubrication." On the other hand, when I see my friends sloppy drunk, it hurts me a little. To see them raving, or pouting, or upset, or puking, or just plain stupid drunk... It always happens when my back is turned... My attention elsewhere... I know that I'm not anyone's keeper. I know it isn't my responsibility to monitor the alcohol intake of those around me. But, somehow, I still feel a little responsible when the party ends on such a note. I wouldn't dare tell someone not to bring alcohol to one of these casual get-togethers... Especially not when I keep it in my own cabinet. It's not like I don't offer my guests said drinks in the first place. Of course, I'm so finicky, no one else is really interested in drinking anything I stock anyway. I digress. That's what I do best. My mantra shall be: "THIS is not my responsibility." However, I will always do what I can to watch out for my friends.

I'm still feeling a bit lost. Not enough playtime makes Jacq pretty damned depressed. How long did it take to notice?

I'm entertaining tonight!

I'm tickled to be entertaining tonight. I don't usually have the time to host a dinner party proper, but I needed to start my summer off with SOMETHING. So, I decided to host my own Pampered Chef dinner party. So, here's my shameless plug:

Check out the website: www.pamperedchef.biz/cookingfor2

It only has my Betrothed's name for now. I haven't figured out how to over-ride the template. Regardless, yippee for people coming to dine with me! I can't wait. I even rented the clubhouse for the occasion. We'll have plenty of room for everyone. My one-bedroom apartment can get cramped pretty fast. I definitely want to do this more often. I can't think of a better way to get together with all my friends and family on a regular basis...

Yesterday, I was singing...

I didn't realize I had stopped. I'm not talking singing along with the radio, although I hadn't been doing much of that, either. I'm talking about a cappella, belt it out just because it feels good singing. As always, I never notice the going away... Only the drastic reality of coming back...

I'm really not as dumb as I look!

I think my professor must have sent the e-mail to the wrong person. It had my e-mail address on it. It said something to the effect of: "Sorry, you'll have to settle for 100."
My first thought was "no..." followed by "really?" and much disbelief.

You must understand, yesterday was a very full day for me. For starters, my shoulder didn't feel any better. I oozed into the shower at 6:30 am. Econ started at 8. I spent my 3 hour break doing my graphics homework. I went to Structural analysis at noon and learned about setting up a matrix to apply the "stiffness method" for finding joint diplacement. I immediately disregarded everything we learned in that class in order to study some last minute stuff for my structural analysis exam, which started at 2:30. I also needed to eat lunch. My shoulder is KILLING me. I've been studying and working problem left-handed. I sat down at my test. I worked the first 3 problems by 3:00, had a fourth done by 3:30. I had an hour and a half to do the last problem: a shear and moment diagram. We've been doing these since last semester, right? How bad can it be? After struggling through 45 minutes of miserable calculations, I realized I had written a distance down wrong, meaning I solve for a reaction and got it wrong. Everything else is based off of these reactions. I knew the diagram didn't look quite right. I started over. I checked and double checked numbers. I had the shear diagram drawn, and had values I wanted for the moment diagram, but had yet to draw thge graph. The TA says, "You have 10 minutes remaining." I got nervous. I labeled values quickly. I tried to draw a pretty parabola. I tried to estimate my cubic curve, and I tried for a nice, accurate slope between them. I looked over my test one last time to make sure I had answered what was asked. I turned it in. I knew it was in the vicinity of 5pm. I raced to a lab to print off my e-mail about the Chi Epsilon initiation. It started at 5:30. Luckily, I had dressed and bejewelled myself for the event at 7 in the morning. I was initiated. It was a neat event. We convened to dinner at 23rd Street Brewery. Ryan initially headed for Free State Brewery, but we made it regardless. I had a delicious dinner while chatting with Dr. Darwin and fellow students. And Ryan, too. When we got home, I collapsed in bed, watched the end of Charlie Wilson's War, and fell asleep. I slept soundly. I forgot I had taken a test until I recieved the e-mail tonight. Ryan said my hands were shaking when he caught up with me after the test. Perhaps it was adrenaline?
I remind myself now: I AM an honors student. A score of 100 is not out of the realm of possibility. However, I will still enjoy my couple minutes of gloat!

Misery and Agony

Friday morning, I woke up with a terrible cramp/crick in my right shoulder. Let me elaborate. These muscles are protesting: rhomboids, upper/middle trapezius, levator scapulae, and something else in my neck that connects to my occipital lobe. I also suspect part of my deltoid is complaining. I made it through Friday, looking forward to sleep to make these tense muscles better. I took a muscle relaxer when I went to bed. Indeed, my muscles relaxed, and I slept well. Then, in the morning, they revolted again. All day Saturday, I wallowed. Quietly. Again, I took a muscle relaxer Saturday night. Sunday, I tutored left-handed. An attempt to NOT USE my right arm so the muscles could actually rest. Ryan brought me a sling for my arm, and I was feeling slightly better when I went to bed. Again, a muscle relaxer. I slept well, rose at 6:30, and prepared for my day. My first class, my shoulder screamed about taking notes in econ. So, I took notes left-handed. Now, I have to finish a map for tomorrow. I have to use a mouse to put in information. I have to type. No way to get around this. I'm ready to put my arm back in the sling.
The problem must be muscular, as the muscle relaxers actually help. Unfortunately, they can make me queasy, and they interfere with my ability to think clearly. Just what I need right before finals! Additionally, not using it seems to help marginally. I can feel the knotted muscles. Is it possible that I've been doing too much mouse manipulation? It was suggested that it might be a slipped disk in my neck. While I have experienced some radiating nerve pain, it seems unlikely that I could slip a disk while sleeping. I would have gone to the doctor by now, or at least made an appointment, but I don't know when I have the time! Perhaps Friday afternoon... I sure hope this doesn't last until Friday! I'm not sure I can draw my diagrams for structural analysis left-handed...
I feel retarded wearing the sling. Yes, it helps, but I look ridiculous. It draws attention to me, then people ask me what I did to my arm. How to explain that I don't know? Is it possible that I have partially dislocated my shoulder? I'm running out of ideas. I just want the pain to go away...