Some kind of Journal, or something...

Downsizing...

Baya — Tue, 27 May 2008 15:53:03 GMT

Ok, here I went and pruned the friends list... Sincere apologies to everyone who was on it, and now is not. Don't take it personally, Tribe is set up so that everyone can be your friend, which is awesome, but realistically, I don't think that many people want to hear the thoughts deep inside my head. Today I really just want to spew about some things that really bothered me this weekend, and I want to do it without effecting people involved. So, I've left people on the list that either can keep things to themselves, or couldn't care less about the whole situation. :) Yay to you lucky few! Bookmark me if you still wanna read the stuff worth reading, right? :) Friggin' awesome.

Whoa...

Baya — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 20:31:02 GMT

I'm FILLED with restless energy. Restless Synergy. A wild, incomprehensible push to create ...something. Fucking Spring. I blame the pollen. I have a hundred billion projects in the house and just when I feel I may complete one, another one draws me away with promises of satisfaction; fulfillment. I'm becoming increasingly frustrated by this, and frustration makes me alternately want to break something, or be broken by something. I should mow the backyard. I should meditate on the cosmos. I should go for a long sprint down the street with heavy metal blaring in my ears. I should fingerpaint. I should read a new book. I should finish my drinking horns. I should take apart my favorite lamp and replace all the worn insides. I should hang more shelves. I should just fucking drum. I should drum like we did in the days when I closed my eyes and it was suddenly three hours later. Three hours later and my hands were swollen, and my heart jangled inside, filled to bursting with pure love. A refreshing plunge into mad flows of pure expression. Ah me... there's no thinking allowed. Thinking is too heavy for the current. It's too jarring to be bobbing along comfortably buoyed, only to suddenly scrape feet against the bottom, be spun out of the smooth current into an eddy of confusion. Maybe that's my problem; thinking too much. Maybe I can't get myself to let the hell go and just move along with the rest of the little bobbing heads on the river like I used to do. I'm going to try it and see. I need this, like I need all the little projects waiting for my return. There's plenty of hope yet. Good thing for my lawn. :)

Catchup!

Baya — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 17:47:53 GMT

So, I haven't checked in since June, and since everyone that checks the MySpace social experiment (thanks Dirk) is directed here, I think I'd better be more conscientious! Here are the cliff notes: Old roomate moved out (whoo hoo!!) Redecorated House to myself is pure bliss! Got a second job delivering pizzas to (1) fill in free time, and (2) fight off the creditors Bought an '87 golf for delivering (automatic) Saw some movies Bought another '87 golf (this one's a manual!) Saw Tool with Di Relished the hot weather Worked Missed Hattaras Weekend due to stormy weather Skipped Fall Gathering this year Worked Di put the house on the market Went and rescued some old stuff from Di Worked Good friend's father passed away Had a lipoma taken off the back of my head The house sold faster than we thought Cousin Katherine got married! Dad met Owen. ;) Good Friend offers father's place for Di, but it's not ready yet Di moved in with me, temporarily Got some old chairs and spent half a day making them mine Sale of the house will pay off the creditors Possibility I can quit the delivery job to work on the cars I played a little bit back in July, but I had to work the next day. It's incredible the pressure that builds after not doing something you really want to do for a long time. A bit on the dangerous side, as the next thing on the schedule is a demo and probably something of a party. I took the night off and plan to go, but I'll need to be careful I don't overextend and end up really hurt. That would be dumb. So I keep telling myself. Oh!! Dirk and I are doing a drum circle dynamics workshop to explain why it is we do what we do every Monday at the Moon. The workshop is gonna kick off at Harvest Faire 2007 on Saturday the 20th, so come out! Bring a drum, and a dancer if you have one! I love you. All of you. ~S

Verbal paint splatters

Baya — Tue, 10 Jul 2007 17:17:09 GMT

Ahso, I was making an attempt to explain what it is that brings the little thrills of pleasure to my soul when the drumming is good on Mondays. I was trying to make a picture in someone else's mind of what goes on in my brain when the rhythms are meshing and the flow is just, so very ~there~. From the vision of complete incomprehension on her face, I could tell it wasn't working. I really honestly don't know if I can do it. I've found over the last couple of months that my creative writing skills aren't what they used to be. I used to be able to write all sort of quaint little stories that made friends laugh; stupid little things that prompted folks to suggest I write literature for kids. My sister still wants to do it, so she can illustrate… and I should. I'd love that. Then I actually try to do it now, and the analytical, jaded 32 year old brain kicks in and jumbles me all up again. What the heck? What's so hard about writing simply, leaving out all the perfect grammar and rules about run-on sentences… Control control control. I haven't lost that in a bit too long, maybe. It'd be nice to plunge into someone else's hands a while. Barring that, I think I'll make use of Janie's chalkboard paint. Time to write on the walls. :) ~S

Yum... Stew!

Baya — Fri, 03 Nov 2006 17:04:21 GMT

Life moves on in a succession of quibbles and burbles; lumpy bubbles of disturbance in a fat iron cauldron; its contents the complex flavor of my life. I swim through the bobbing carrots and onions, chunks of beef and thick slices of potato...with sweet corn... (What the hell are you talking about?) Not until the taste of it touches my tongue, does it all make delicious sense.

To E...

Baya — Tue, 24 Oct 2006 14:06:09 GMT

Wherever you go, whatever you're doing that nudges you to shift and change, to move and soar away... Know only that you've brushed by a little bit of kindred spirit here in this bizarre medium of touch without touching. If and when you decide to breeze back in, changed or unchanged, the proverbial door here is always open. Warm regards and best wishes for peace and love to you, ~Sara

Deep (space) Thoughts...

Baya — Fri, 13 Oct 2006 13:21:39 GMT

A friend posted the following this morning, so I'm shamelessly stealing it for posterity. To my friends, may your day be cosmic. :) Carl Sagan wrote: "We succeeded in taking that picture [from deep space], and, if you look at it, you see a dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever lived, lived out their lives. The aggregate of all our joys and sufferings, thousands of confident religions, ideologies and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilizations, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every hopeful child, every mother and father, every inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every superstar, every supreme leader, every saint and sinner in the history of our species, lived there on a mote of dust, suspended in a sunbeam. The earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that in glory and in triumph they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of the dot on scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner of the dot. How frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds. Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity -- in all this vastness -- there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves. It is up to us. It's been said that astronomy is a humbling, and I might add, a character-building experience. To my mind, there is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly and compassionately with one another and to preserve and cherish that pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known."

More Wonderful Artwork

Baya — Thu, 12 Oct 2006 18:33:08 GMT

I wanted to post this artwork as a representation of beauty and dedication to a goal. The single-minded creativity of this artist, Peter Callesen, is simply amazing to see. Take a look here: http://www.oncotton.co.uk/peter/

Mandalas

Baya — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 18:09:11 GMT

A friend from another site branched off from my Fractals post and turned it into a hunt for Mandalas. I had forgotten how much joy and peace I get from coloring in the shapes. The exercise of creating one's own scheme, then putting it into practice with a quiet intent and focus is wonderful. So, my friends, here is a great site for printing or downloading Mandalas. I printed mine on the thicker-type paper and put one on each side. When I get home, it's going to be coloring time. Then I'll spend a little while sitting with the result. :) http://www.free-mandala.com/en/main.html Happy reflecting!

Fractals of the most delicious kind...

Baya — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 15:35:49 GMT

Do browse a wonderful site of artwork and spiritual enlightenment through symetry and form... All I really come up with to say about this site is, "Wow." http://www.fractalus.com/paul/intropage.html

Matrix Ping Pong

Baya — Fri, 18 Aug 2006 14:24:14 GMT

Ok, this is worth a post in the blog before I put it up on the page: http://videobomb.com/posts/show/3533 :)

Hundreds flock to sniff stinky flower

Baya — Tue, 08 Aug 2006 19:31:48 GMT

Rare ‘corpse flower’ blooms in Virginia, smelling deliciously dead http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14235759/from/RS.2/ BLACKSBURG, Va. - Hundreds of visitors filed through a Virginia Tech greenhouse to get a glimpse, and a whiff, of a powerfully malodorous "corpse flower" as it bloomed. The large Indonesian plant, whose botanical name is Amorphophallus titanum, began opening up about 6 p.m. ET Friday and was in full bloom by early Saturday morning, curator Debbie Wiley-Vawter said in a telephone interview Monday. The plant emits a stench to attract decaying flesh-eating beetles, flies and sweat bees for pollination. Once it blooms, the odor lingers for about eight hours, then it takes several more years before the plant has enough energy to bloom again.

Lol, these guys are awesome...

Baya — Thu, 20 Jul 2006 17:47:23 GMT

Shiney, happy music with a twist... The Visible Men: http://www.thevisiblemen.com/aboutus/ A sample that I dig: http://www.thevisiblemen.com/music/Poker_Face.mp3 They're poor, and from Eugene, spread the word. :)

Another reason I miss the West!

Baya — Thu, 06 Jul 2006 19:50:02 GMT

Every year I think about just saying "screw it!" and flying back for the weekend... http://www.oregoncountryfair.org/ :)

I was just thinking...

Baya — Thu, 29 Jun 2006 15:13:49 GMT

Everything seems to run in great big cycles… It's easy to get caught up in the same round and round of daily life, only to find that weeks have gone by without my even realizing how it went. I look at one day and… Wow, it's already July. Where did June go? Cycles of work, home, work, home, weekend, work, home… puncuated by the sweet things like weekly drum circle, a good conversation with my sister, cherished time to play… I find it's really important to step back sometimes and look at these cycles from outside. Here is my small life, the circular pattern it runs, here and there a shining spot on this repetative wheel. It's a colored thing, this wheel. Right now the majority is a pretty uniform grey, eight hours a day, five days a week. That's work. Grey's not a bad color, just sort of dull and unexciting. Two years ago, it had more red in it. The shining spots are outside that grey, spaced evenly and randomly; that's everything else. Sparkling silver and gold lights wink at me as if to invite my eyes to revisit. There are some dark spots, too; those times I prefer to let spin on by. When I step out and look at this wheel, my inner eye is drawn to the spangles, and inside the sparks are events that make the gray fade to background. The more I concentrate on those times, and those people, the brighter they shine, and the less dull the rest becomes. So I think about these vivid things, the beautiful things that make the wheel of my life rotate in a swirl of brilliance, bleeding over into the grey and outshining the dark spots; the people, the places, the wonderful experiences that make my life lovely... I like to think there may be spots on other people's wheels that echo the ones on mine; shared experiences seem to magnify these little explosions without my help. These are the things I like to ponder, just before stepping back into the cycle again with a smile. I love you guys, thanks for helping make my life so cool.

A blahgh for Jess: Understanding Pain Play

Baya — Tue, 27 Jun 2006 21:30:03 GMT

Last night we were sitting at IHOP after drum circle and Jessie asked me some questions about the nature of pain. How come it hurts more when I stub my toe in the dark getting up from bed than it does taking a hit from an eight foot bullwhip? I told her I would write her a little blog, just for her, to get my words out right without stuttering. So, what's the appeal, and what's the difference between pain for pleasure and pain of the normal unkinky sort. There are a whole lot of studies on this out there, I'm sure. The idea is fascinating, after all. Pain is dangerous, uncomfortable, irritating, and often signals the approach of something terrible, thereby inspiring fear or panic. Physiologically speaking, these signals are passed to the brain to trigger the release of things like adrenaline or endorphins, chemicals that make the body respond more quickly to threat, the whole fight or flight thing. A spurt of that stuff in the bloodstream and you find yourself lifting cars off trapped people in a traffic accident and not remembering it afterwards, or jumping back from the curb just in time to miss the bus barreling around the corner. Then reaction sets in… "Whew!, I almost just died!" Relief is enormous, butterflies in the tummy, heat in the cheeks, everything becomes super-charged with life…just for a second, that is, until you remember the meeting you're going to be late for. No time to dwell on your close call, gotta get going. Ok, so imagine you CAN dwell on that close call. Imagine if you can sit on the curb and really FEEL everything now that the threat is gone. The blood pounding in your ears, your breath panting in your chest, tingles in your hands and feet, the restless energy draining away to leave you weak and ~blissful~ after the trauma is done and over. That's really the goal. To get there in the right manner, that's the trick of it. To find a partner willing to put forth the energy to put you there in the manner that you need…wow, now we may be asking a lot. I'm not well versed on the scientific stuff (as evidenced by "adrenaline or endorphins or some such chemical thing, blah blah blah") but, I know my own experience pretty damn well, and this is really what works for me. Firstly, there are stages of pain. There is pondering the pain before it even happens, the preparation for it, the pain itself, processing it, and getting over it to the bliss and relief. The higher the intensity of the pain, the more I think about it prior to scene, the more I prepare for it in scene, the longer it takes to process it, and the deeper I go into the bliss and relief. There have been times I've lain in that for an hour and a half to two hours following something heavy. That's the reward. Pain intensity is another aspect of play. You don't start with big pain. You build up to it with little pains... Little spurts of natural body chemicals at a time until at a certain point, whatever that is for you, you're taking more pain than you thought you possibly could. Pain builds on itself, and little pains in multiple places combine to be one big pain; clips or piercings are a good example. A bunch of little pains repeatedly in the SAME place can, over time, become agonizing. Thus the nature of spankings or canings. I personally like pain that tapers into heat, and I like something I can find a rhythm in (no wonder, right?) So here it is, you're thinking, "I'm going to get my hand slapped." Ok, acceptable. You put your hand out and tense up a little, maybe turn your head away so you don't see it. Then your hand gets slapped, "Ow!" It's hot and tingly, your reaction wants to be to pull it back and cradle it, but the idea is not to run out of the water when the wave is coming, but to dive INTO it to roll around on the other side. So you breathe and wriggle maybe, and stubbornly keep it where it is… the heat subsides into a sweet warmth. That's sort of nice, but you want bliss, not just warmth. The next slap is already coming, you know because it's following a rhythm of delivery, "Ow!". Heat, that hurt a little more, but before you can move again, the next is coming, heat, warmth, -heat-, warmth, it's getting really frigging hot and you find that you can't pull back because now there's fingers around your wrist holding your hand there, while the rhythm changes, becoming fast and super painful! You forget that you're supposed to be riding this pain and open your mouth to cry out for the person to stop, but they already are... winding down to something more bearable, and your hand is hot, your breathing is rapid, sweat breaks out over your skin…and then there are arms around you and your head is pillowed on a shoulder, your burning hand cradled just like you wanted it to be earlier. A little light headed, euphoric, things go quiet and it's a sweet sort of aftermath that makes your head fuzzy and time slide away into nothing... I dunno if that makes sense or if you can get an idea from that (hand slapping is not the best example of play), but the concept is the same even if the extremity of the situation is different. It's all a matter of timing and understanding; the one playing with you has to know when to wind down and when to grip your wrist to keep you from pulling away, or when to pick up the pace, and when to hug (or run away from your vengeance, heh)… That's the connection that another person contributes, the other half of your wild surfing ride through the whole experience. Um…That's really about it, I can't think of anything that will break it down further than that and plenty to elaborate on it (I didn't even touch on subspace), but maybe that sheds some light on stuff in my head. Please consider all of the "you" references above to be meant in a general sense of the word. I try to write like I'm talking to someone, especially when I'm trying to explain something that's so internally convoluted.

Bugs and Distractions...

Baya — Wed, 21 Jun 2006 17:52:27 GMT

Leaving tomorrow…very exciting! In an effort to avoid the usual case of pre-…-jitters, I share with you the most entertaining and pleasant Icky Bob. With wonderful taste in humor, he has shared lovely distracting websites and commentary on life. Thanks Mister Icky! http://people.tribe.net/ickybob The rest of the week has been pretty crazy, the boss has been moved to "special projects". It makes work here an interesting balance of rumor, half-truths and utter ignorance alongside regular work stuff. Acting boss is cool, that's all I really have to say on the subject for fear that one day this might be read… heh. I found a GREAT site!! Check out http://whatsthatbug.com. We saw this HUGE crazy bug on Monday at Ihop and I really wanted to know what the hell it was… Still haven't found it, but it looked something like a…big. Woo! I'll write again, gotta do some work. :)

Personality testing and other blah blah blah

Baya — Thu, 15 Jun 2006 18:06:34 GMT

"You are the Justice card. Justice preserves the harmony of the world. Working with opposite forces, Justice does not seek to criticize or condemn but rather to accept. The idea behind the card justice is that opposite forces are complementary; you could not have good without evil or light without darkness. Justice's position is to make sure that if a thing is out of balance, the weight of its energy is realigned with its opposite force. This card is also a card of humour, for it is in pointing out contrary positions that humour is often found. The attitude that is found in the humourous person, being able to shift perspective and flow with an instinct, is important in the maintenance of good balance." I thought that was a pretty damned good synopsis of what I try to do in my day. I think the crux of the matter is objectivity. If I lose that, then the scales I'm trying so hard to balance in all fairness, become weighted and I'm a cheat without meaning to be. Like if I have a stake in an argument, it's a struggle to pop out of my head long enough to see the opposing view. Pride is thick in my blood, I suppose. Nothing wrong with a little pride, but too much closes my eyes. Thus, the weekend in DC. It's like a cleansing. A refreshing reminder that it's not necessary to always be right. Time to get a sense of another perspective. Anyway, that's next week. ;) Since last week, I've been pinching pennies and watching the level of gas in my tank steadily decrease. Fun! I found out that going the speed limit really does save on gas, and cruise control is my friend. Tomorrow I'll give the new pagan choir a chance, drum some with Dirk, then hopefully we can all jet up to the witch house for some coffee (booze) and chat (mad sex). Heh, ok, kidding about the …booze. No, really, it would be awesome to get everyone together again like the old days. It's been too long, really. To that end, I'll be cleaning tonight, and clear out the fire pit. Thinking of washing the dog, and it's really not too cold for it, so that might actually happen. I need to to laundry, too, come to think on it. Blah blah blah, this blog has become weird, lol. What else happened this week? Oh! Pics from the brother of the new nephew! They're in my album. He's huge, and got his brothers black hair. Beautiful little Taurus. I'd still like to figure his natal chart, just for kicks. lol, work is annoying, there may be a part II to this blog, but lemme post this before I lose it to the demands of the job… :P

Time lapse! :)

Baya — Fri, 09 Jun 2006 15:09:18 GMT

It's Friday and time for a new blog post! ( I just heard kermit in my head going, "YaaaAAAaayyy!") I think this is gonna be more stream of consciousness than coherency, but you know how blogs go, you just kinda blaaah..lol spit 'em out. So I joined a couple new tribes this last week, and left a couple others. Don't feel bad; the ones I left, I never really posted in anyway, and the ones I joined, well… to those folks, you can feel bad, cuz I think I'll be posting in those (muahaha). Not that Tribes is going to be any sort of new obsession, or increased interest (I still have no connectivity at home), but just that the time I spend perusing, I wanted it to be more focused. The week's been good, Janie cleaned her house! (Kermit again, little arms flapping wildly) I mopped the floors last weekend, too, and ahhhh, what a difference. I hope to keep it up better, roomates notwithstanding. Uncle five-toe's visit was fun, I love him to death. He's meeting up with Dad in Kansas City at some point in July, so I'll be seeing them again, it'll be good to get my arms around Dad. The bond is pretty damn thick between us, and I can tell from his voice over the phone that he needs a closer connection than 3000 miles can give him. He misses his son, and it hurts him that R is keeping himself so distant from the rest of us, due in large part to his current obsession with the fundamentalist lower-case t (thanks Dirk). I spoke to Pelotas in Guatemala, oy how I love her. It's like every time I speak to my sister, the phone melts away anything between until it's as if we're sitting on the couch all lump-o-puppies pouring our hearts out to each other like a day hasn't passed since grade school. It's awful, lol, and so good. I get a suspicious lump in my throat every time I hang up the phone. I can't wait 'til she comes for a visit. I got a new kitten, calling him Needles, but I don't think it will stick. Last night I cut his little nails with a toenail clipper. He was really good for it, so that's good. He likes the flea comb too, but I can't wait until I can put the stuff on him, the weather has been so warm out that it seems like the bugs are everywhere, and not just fleas; mosquitoes are the bane of my outside existence. Jeter's frontline isn't killing the damn things fast enough. I'll probably bomb the house again soon. I had to get my car fixed, took it to the dealership, gah. This paycheck sucked hiney, and I'm tapped until the next one, really. This is good in the sense that it helps me concentrate on what I have at home already, the self, my intimate surroundings, which I rarely do. Avoidance is usually my way of dealing with messes. Of course, money isn't everything, but I get uneasy when the savings safety net is only inches off the ground. ;) That said, I love my house, my yard, my family, my friends, the people I talk to every day, the people I haven't talked to in ages...and Fridays. :)

Week in Review

Baya — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:04:01 GMT

Time flies!! I look back at the days and in retrospect, they've been so short! Work continues to be just that. Reiki workshop was awesome. Bonnie Ness gave a really great class with a lot of information as well as plenty of encouragement to explore on our own with some wonderful places to start. I'm signing up for her next seminar in July. Play party on Saturday with the CP was great! I really like the people there, and the environment was safe and fun. It was edgeplay theme, but there really wasn't a whole lot of edge, aside from some cutting. Cutting and bloodplay seem to be the route most people go with edge. Wonderful scene, and they both looked happy afterwards. It may be that they run their Dungeon a little on the stifling side in the DM arena, but I would rather people be a tad too safe than not, in the event something happened. Mr. DC confirmed that he would like to come down, and I think he'd fit in just fine. Drum circle was really really good, outside with lots of people, and I got there late due to work hours. :/ Afterward we went to IHOP and S&T sat with us for the first time in months. Breaking bread with them felt a little like old times, and I realize that I still miss them. Just not the drama that goes with them. Had a really good talk with Di last night. She's down in Georgia for her nephews boot camp graduation. I think she's almost ready to move out of the anger stage and into some sort of pseudo-acceptance. Since she's out of town, I spent the night over there last night, going through old memories and throwing a lot of stuff away. Speaking of which, I hope the roomie remembered to take out the trash this morning. A roach fell on my head yesterday at the witchhouse, probably migrating, but I'm bombing ASAP. I think I might take the cats next week, we'll see what she thinks. Top on my mind is this weekend and the Gathering of the Tribes in Windsor. The fact that people are going there RIGHT NOW as I type this, is a little tormenting. I need this weekend, just to really go wild. :) Mr. DC really knows how to play with my head when we talk, building anticipation for the Leather Retreat in June. Wow. That's the next thing. Then the big change will be Tibet, and the new job, almost too far to really do more than plan around, but I have that nervous butterfly shiver that means I need to get things set in motion. Lots of paperwork, I'm sure, and I really need to get on that. I really gotta get my passport in order. That's about it for this week's wrap-up! I'll pack the car tomorrow morning, go to work for four hours, come back, pick up the dog and some ice, and I'll be off!

Filler

Baya — Wed, 17 May 2006 20:18:51 GMT

I can't remember the date of my last entry, or what it was that was going on at the time… I think May Moon… which makes it about a week and a half ago. As my memory is crud, I'll try and recap. May Moon was awesome. Not perfect, but overall great. Got there late Thursday and leaped into choir practice after tossing the tent up. Practice went well, with lots of smiles and poking fun from the back row. ;) We were supposed to do a little fire circle that night just for staff, but there was some murkiness since it was still a workday for the neighbors, and plans fell through. Instead we all got wicked drunk. :) The next morning we awoke to a 9am staff meeting, mandatory else lose your badge and pay like the rest. Eek. We got there to a thorough dressing down for complaining about things that D&B didn't want to stress over. It was curtain time already, nothing to do but to do it. Still, people have expectations, and react differently when they aren't met. The end result was that people had fun anyway, which is what was important. That day we finished setting up and opened the gates, got parking online and watched people trickle in. My boss and her son came that night, and when I got off parking detail, I went and sat with them for a bit while we watched people dance. Drum circle that night was very nearly a total flop, and some things were said during the course of it that have yet to disperse. It started to rain and all the folks with natural head drums headed out (pun!). Then it got better, ending with D, Sausages and I holding on to the last bit, and R, sweet moonchild that she is, dancing for us. It was awesome. Got back to the tents and people were still grumbling from behind their zipped-up doors. It was cute, and I shamelessly eavesdropped, got busted when I mentioned something, then went to sleep. :) There is really nothing like going to sleep with the sound of the rain on canvas, the dog sleeping by the cot, cozy and warm…ZZzzz… Next morning I woke a little late, dressed and headed out to parking. A bunch of stuff happened, this and that, met some folks, greeted folks, got some sun, laughed a lot. It was great. I got too much sun for some people's liking, and they kicked me off parking about 2:30. Serves them right; I ran around the maypole. 3:00 rolled around and we sang, Splenda's face was like the sun, it shone with vigor and laughter and just pure joy. A little part of my mind framed that picture and put it on the mantel. After singing came a nap, which I enjoyed immensely, baking in the oven that was my tent. It was like a sauna, total relaxation. While I slept, everyone got ready for the ritual, and when I awoke, I couldn't bring myself to move. :) I had some soup with Jeter and we listened to the drums and the people from a distance. Awesome. When everyone got back, drum circle was beginning already, but it took a little time for me to get up and get out there. When I did, it turned out that things were great; lively, energetic people, masked, painted, sparkling, dancing and clapping. Time blurred, I blinked and there were less people, it was a lot darker, and I felt like dancing, so I made a couple graceless turns around the fire. Hehe. The day caught up to me and I headed back to camp, settled down by our little fire pit and chatted a while with everyone. It was generally positive but for really one uncomfortable glitch, and in the end, I went to bed about midnight. I blame some of it on heightened hormones, but I learned some things about people that won't easily shake off my heart. The next day we broke down our things and it started raining again. It was hard to want to go back to "civilization" again, having to worry about wrinkles in my clothes, and being tidy or professional, bleh. I got back to the house and unpacked the car, got my things together for some laundry while the housemates took naps. I don't think my mood was good, and we talked about it a bit when I got back. It's sealed up now, although I remember the reasons why. The week progressed, drum circle was nice, though attendance was low as folk got their energy back. I felt the need to get back to myself a little, so I did. Spent a lot of time during the week being introspective, asking questions, answering them, relaxing with the dog as my sounding board. It was nice to reacquaint myself with my skin. This last weekend was a continuance, in a way. I picked up a few books and read them, reverting back to high-school mode, voraciously gobbling up vicarious lives of fictional people, always with the important life lesson learned. ;) Fantasy, it's great, isn't it? :p Drum circle day before yesterday was good, I felt good, more daring than usual, and hopefully didn't throw peole off too much. I think I really need to tune both drums, though, they continue to sound a bit off. Not quite the deep tones I look for… dunno. It felt good to get out to Charlies with everyone, Joel was there, unexpectedly, because I thought his work schedule had changed, but it's good to see him too. Coming out of a week spent nearly to myself, I think I was still a little unprepared for the shock of everyone talking at once, the sort of sensory overload I had been used to now rubbed my skin all the wrong way. Maybe it was that which made me lose patience with Joel's hemming and hawing over V, enough to stick my nose in. In any case, the inevitable rise of tension finished with a bunch of crap, and Joel wisely made his escape. We're a lot alike in that way. In the end, I have too much pride, my heart is too touchy to wrap up the loose ends. In time, the whole thing will return to just a footnote. Today is Wednesday. I have a movie to go to with the ex, I don't really know why; maybe I didn't get enough this week. Work progresses much the same as ever, the boss is oddly sharp lately. I have reiki courses this weekend, Gathering the weekend after that, and Tibet on the horizon...

Batteries...

Baya — Wed, 03 May 2006 17:25:26 GMT

Flashlights Reflective vest/belt tent stove lantern camp box - separate list cot yoga mat sleeping bag/pillow/extra blanket condoms for Jess! dog food/biscuits tie-out doggy bags couple two-gallon jugs (of water) firestarter matches candles knife clothes - separate list This should be fun. I'm still looking forward to it despite the threat of rain. I refuse to stress over the rain, too. If it rains, it rains. I doubt most people are going to cry more over being inside their tents a little more than they planned... lol In any case, what a week! I'm totally hormonal; thus foot in mouth disease. I'm trying desperately to keep a low profile, but even the roomie says to me on Monday, "But, you're supposed to be nice all the time!" Oy. Sometimes I'm really not nice. It's just for brief little bits, and then I'm back to being me, but on these "bad me" occasions sometimes I speak before I think, and bam, say things that come out all wrong. I think it probably happens to most of us, but this is my week for it, so I'm trying to be careful. This fact, coupled with my Introverted nature, is making me crave solitude these last couple of days. Unfortunate timing, as my Uncle rode into town on Friday and the house was full of people all weekend. :) I made it through without biting anyone's head off for no reason (I think, anyway...), most probably because I was too full of Golden Corral food to do anything but groan, and also because my brother's wife gave me a nephew. :D I talked to a bunch of folks at Grandad's house and everyone's excited, Dad belting down the gin and tonics and folk just making merry. :) My cousin is also pregnant, with a baby coming in November. My other cousin can't have kids, but they're getting a new black lab puppy (omg so cute) in another month, so everyone seems to be spawning new life! It's great!!! New life comes at a cost, though. Omi passed away two weeks ago. Dad found out yesterday. It was really awesome to get a chance to see her one last time while I was in Eugene in January. She took care of us for many years and always kept in touch. I knew when we left her standing in the middle of her little room at the assisted living that it would likely be the last time I'd be able to visit her. Another one of the people who put their mark on my heart forever. Rest peacefully, Omi, until we meet again. Yesterday the new Tool cd came out and the house was empty but for me and the dog. After looking at the pictures through the cool little glasses for a while, I cranked it up and lay on the floor with my head at the speakers just like the old days, recharging. Awesome journey. Of course, the gods damned cell phone wouldn't shut the fuck up, so I nearly threw it away again. The only thing to mar my peace is fucking technology. Whoa, ok, see? Hormones. Today's a good day. Boss is leaving early for a meeting offsite, and I'm leaving a tiny bit early because I came in early and I really need to do laundry and mow the lawn again. I think I'll pack the camp box and my clothes, too... and probably the rest of it. All I want to have to do on the way to the festival tomorrow is pick up the dog and go. :) That's it for now. I love the earth, the universe goes on with or without us, and people have hearts of beaten gold.

Smile!

Baya — Thu, 27 Apr 2006 20:22:44 GMT

I feel the need to change the mood of my blog lately. Since I don't have a computer at home, it's not easy to actually post all the time from work, so I left off with some posts slightly on the cynical side. Let it be known, here and now, today is a good day. Work is work, money is coming in at the same steady rate, my car runs on four good tires, my dog awaits me at the house for a romp in the yard. My sweet Uncle Five-toe is riding into town tomorrow on his bmw bike, his first cross country trip since losing his leg! My brother's wife is having a baby in less than two weeks, the first grandchild for my dad! My sister is happy, my witch house folk are all alive and healthy. My DC friend called last night to tease me about camp in June. Life is good, it really is good. :)

This is a long day.

Baya — Fri, 21 Apr 2006 18:26:55 GMT

The morning stretches like taffy in the works, 'Round and 'round and 'round, Little hand yet on the 3, Incremental tick…tick…tick Water drops in a well of anticipation, Filled to the stone rim. My kingdom for a bucket!

Time Capsule Recording #1

Baya — Fri, 21 Apr 2006 15:15:29 GMT

As of today, April 21, 2006: I doubt the earth will recover from what we have done. I feel the lives of my animals are more valuable than the life of an adult human. I feel dispassionate about a great many things that I should probably be passionate about. -Starvation in Africa -Abortion rights in America -Avian flu -West Nile virus -Who is really responsible for 911 -Atheletes and steroids On the other hand, I feel passionate about things I feel helpless to change. -The war in Iraq, bring our fucking people back home already -The innocent people of Iraq, regular families caught in the midst of things they can't control -The decline of Freedom of Speech in America -The basic human rights of illegal aliens being trampled on because "this is our country" -The gods-damned rise in gas prices for no reason -The resistance to alternative fuel sources -My own capitulation in driving a gas-burning vehicle -Losing America's remaining wild places to land development and yuppie house building. -Watching new malls being built …right next to perfectly useable, but vacant, malls. -Fascist Bush regime remaining in power despite the things they've done so wrong. I feel there isn't enough free love in the world, love for a person without expectations of them.. I feel people are quicker to be angry or hurt than they are to be happy. I feel people work too much and don't have enough time to really live the life they're working for. I feel people are too quick to put the blame on someone. I feel I sound depressed! :P I feel there is energy all around us! I feel there is life in everything we touch, and where there isn't, our touch can bring it. I feel human touch builds spiritual bonds, and that people need to know the consequences of the bonds they create. I feel the power of human emotion is immeasureable. I feel like we are only on the earth for a short time in this cycle, and that every day we spend despairing is wasted. I feel that each time I speak to the ones I love, it could be my last. I feel so full of love sometimes, that I want to holler and hug everyone I see. :) I feel so frustrated that I can't holler and hug everyone I see, that sometimes I get a little down. :(