I will shut the office door behind me for 2 weeks and a day.

I'm flying to Berlin tomorrow and then I'll take my mom to Rome for 4 days. Happy mothers day!

Tonight there's nothing left to do but to pay my rent, throw the last few things into my suitcase, have dinner at my favorite Vietnamese restaurant with my favorite Robinnowitz and then see what Doctor Love is going to give to me to remember him by for 2 weeks (and a day).

La Dolce Vita!

*the sound of champagne corks popping*

In Germany the 1st of May is a holiday and people go protest on the street. There are official marches and inofficial riots. It's the day when everybody vents their frustration with the system or whatever else they need to vent about. The riots have been a tradition in Berlin since the 80s, not just on the 1st of May. When I was a wee anarcho punk I was always smack in the middle of the action, part of the 'black block', armed with big rocks that we pulled out of the pavement... I was a kid, only 15/16 and it was fun and we really thought we made some kind of big difference by smashing the windows of Deutsche Bank and McDonalds and throwing molotov cocktails at cop cars.

The cops always came out with these huge water cannons... looks like they still do.

This year everything in Berlin went mostly peaceful but in Hamburg a protest against neo nazis turned into an old-school riot. The pics remind me a lot of my teenage days.
Enjoy:
www.spiegel.de/fotostreck...119,00.html
Click on 'Weiter' for the next pic.

Strangely almost every time I shop there, this song is playing: www.youtube.com/watch

It's such an odd song. Why is it playing for me? Is it time to jump down from the shelf - a little bit?
Should I shed those dowdy feathers and fly?

A little bit?

Last weekend I went to the Fire Ballet at the Crucible and it was amazing. I have no idea why I didn't go the previous years. This is going to be on my calendar as an annual event from here on forward. I highly recommend it.
The only thing that bugged me about it was that the prince and the princess looked like Barbie and Ken. The show was so diverse I don't get why they had to be so cliché... c'mon, it's West-Oakland! Granted the prince put on a yamaka at his wedding but still...

I've been superbusy planning the Pornclownposse Whine Tour 2008. I rented us a house by Russian River with a hottub - yes another hottub weekend at Russian River, this time with ALL my klowns. How lucky am I?! It will be ridiculous and less than 2 weeks after I return from Berlin.

Talking about spending money: I just ordered an external harddrive for $99.99 so I'll have enough space to steal all of Doctor Love's music from his harddrive. The man has music! Sorted by decade - a man after my own heart. It's all so easy, no more burning disks and shit.

Bandpractice was hilarious last night. Robert wrote a song about waking up and realizing you're Jesus. I named it "Will die for change"

Busy as fuck but with nothing but goodness.

Rolling Stone Cover by Doctor Love

A view on what was going on:
www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi

but still...here's how effective the protests are:
money.cnn.com/2008/04/08/...ch_sponsors/

Never think that standing in the street with a sign is going to be a waste of time.

I'm bummed I missed Bishof Tutu's speech.

...and for completeness sake, here a very interesting essay on the true history of Tibet: www.michaelparenti.org/Tibet.html

Exciting times! Makes you think and read up on stuff.

At this point I almost feel that it's a good thing that China got the Olympics because it gives the world a chance to show them how they feel about their shit.

...and what a fine spring it is. I hope it's as rich for all of you as it is for me.

I’m happy. I’m confused. I’m sorted. I’m overwhelmed. I’m on track.

March was signed up to be my party month and it’s fine to be sliding down the hill a bit. I’ve got my ducks in a row for April: signed up for weekly voice-lessons all through April and May, trying to move the band to a weeknight so I can spend my weekends road-tripping and camping without missing a beat, waiting for La Casa to get their schedule together so I can start volunteering in April and I’m burning to turn my collaboration with Dr. Love into an even more creative one, creating kicking music on top of crazy scenes.

Burning!

Right this minute all I wanna do is take my gay-pills and dance around the living room to De La Soul… no wait that was last weekend…and I’m in the office…ok keep it together now. The long weekend starts at 5 pm.

It would be fancy seeing some of your pretty faces at Kinky Salon this Saturday.

Springspringspringspring…I’m sooo happy to feel alive again after this dark dark winter that lasted a whole year.

And to make this morning really special Lucci just called me 'one of his gurus'...aaawww. That feels extra-special coming from one of my gurus.

Come one, come all to the oddest show on Earth!

If you've never eaten a four-course gourmet meal from a bed and/or
want to see just what kind of talent the Porn Clown Posse can pull
out of their asses, you should make reservations at the SupperClub
for Friday March 14th!

The tickets ain't cheap but did I mention the four-course gourmet meal?

www.supperclub.com/

See the Porn Clown Posse perform...

The Never Seen Before "Dueling Banjos" Act!...

...Chanteuse Shamey the Klown sings her sultry salacious desire!

...and more truly random acts of weirdness!

hope to see you freaks at the SupperClub!

Love,
Achtung!

Running on empty. Sooo exhausted. BusyBusy and insomnia don't play well together. And yes, I admit it, I don't take the time I could to rest. Whenever there's a tiny time-slot in my busy schedule I fill it with dates or friends because hell! I love my friends and I love the sweet sweet lovin' I'm getting.

And I'm really trying to be good. Didn't go to Teiwaz party last Friday and not going to Shannon's party this Friday because I have to get up at crack of dawn Saturdays for training. Hitting Dharma Punx instead. About time Vinnie was back.

And for Saturday/Sunday I'll let Dr. Love drive. He drives so well and I rarely let him because of my crazy schedule.

Monday night I'll finally clean the house and Tuesday night Gaffi is flying in. The first visitor from Berlin in 8 years. And that will be my vacation. No more training. No other plans. Taking 2 days off of work for a 4-day weekend and the weekend after I have Friday off anyway. I will play tourist in S.F.. Go on a roadtrip to San Simeon with a bunch of friends. The good life!

And sleep. Get some sleep.

Just the kind of loopy humor I need this morning.

I can't begin to describe how much I LOVE the Domestic Violence training. Yes, it steals all my time but man it's so good!

Last night we had a former perpetrator who is now running a program for violent offenders in jail. It was amazing. I'm still perusing the handouts and can't wait to sit in on one of their sessions (open to the public, baby!). I had no idea that the San Francisco's Sherriff's Department was so modern and forward thinking. The belief that people can change, the quest for transformation has always been a core belief of mine. I never though such hippie notions had any place in the American justice system. Pleasant surprise.

I can't get my nose out of the 'coercive behaviors' section in my manual. I'm finding many people in my life there but I also find myself quite a bit. Why don't we learn about non-violent communication in school? Why do we only learn this stuff when someone gets hurt?

This is so rich. It's like double chocolate mousse for my brain.

I'm going for seconds.

Every day.

Dealing with real world problems has always made me feel alive.

I love this city. Always have. I had to fight very hard to live here, so believe me when I say I love this place. I’ve been here for 12 years and many things have changed but I still love her like I did the day I first laid eyes on her.

I’ve traveled a good chunk of the world and there are few cities that can compare with her beauty. All you need to do is drive across Golden Gate Bridge to the Headlands or climb Mount Tamalpais and you will know you are in one of the most breathtaking spots on this planet.

I’m lucky enough to have a sweeping view of the sparkling blue bay, Alcatraz, Coit Tower right here from my desk so I can soak in the beauty all day long but I still run up Mount Tam or the Headlands every chance I get. I just can’t get enough. I just can’t get enough.

I’m from Berlin and have lived in Honolulu so I’m certainly not easy to impress but I had to come here to find the kind of community and the level of true freakdom that I had always craved. And after 7 happy years with my community here I like to refer to them as my most successful romantic relationship to date.

And the best part is: Spring starts in February. The sun is back. The rain is gone. I moved the radiator back into the closet and it’s time to celebrate with champagne sunsets at the beach!

If he calls back, what should I tell him?

Complaints?

Suggestions?

Congratulations?

Had it been the founder of Facebook I would have had to put him on hold for a VERY long time.

It looks like we will be performing on March 14th. What fun!

I ordered a box of 100 needles yesterday so we can sufficiently freak out their yuppie clientel. Oh yeah Baby, Ouchy and I are out for BLOOOOD!

I also ordered a VKTMS CD from artist direct - I need to stop shopping. ;)

Oh so very sleep deprived... brain is melting out of my ears... thanky god I chose to make tonight a me-night. Can only handle so much action.

By the way: Tribe chat works like a charm. Thanks Darren!

Hallelujah!

Tonight I will buy an axe and a saw. I will use them to battle the last of the pain, the fear, the anxiety, the nightmares. I will put all that into a sculpture – and be done with it forever.

I can’t wait to use that axe!

The weekend was incredibly satisfying in spite of the fact that my date postponed because he came down with the flu.

Rocking out last night was better than sex. Srsly! We went for 4.5 hours and I didn’t want to be anywhere else. And I nailed that Woggles song after listening to it t-w-i-c-e total. Cuz I’m cool like that.

I had a great time running around the DeYoung museum with Kelley. Saw some killer modern glass art. Yes glass! I know. I had no idea glass could be dark and weird like that. The pic is a piece by William Morris.

Yeah short of the nightmares it was a perfect weekend.

But I got an axe now.

All will be well.

Today I did my taxes and killed my facebook account.

Cuz I'm cool like that.

Aside from me getting sick and it being so freakin' cold there, this trip was really all-around perfect: It was spontaneous which is just what I need right now. It got off to a great start when I decided on the way to the airport that I would have a great conversation at the airport bar while waiting for the plane and I indeed met two really cool New Yorkers there. This whole trip made me realize that my mojo is starting to work again. That I can make it there and anywhere… if I can stay un-sick for 15 minutes that is.

Teiwaz’ company pad was posh and right at 22nd and Park Avenue, about as central as it gets. The first time we left the house I immediately ran into someone I know: Lana. Big City my ass! We spent all of Saturday walking around all over: the east village, lower east side, soma, soho,… went into the coolest antique store ever: Billie’s. Teiwaz took me to ‘Evolution’ which is a bit like Paxton Gate just more tourists and mostly fake bones. A friend of his makes a lot of the fake mutant-skeletons. That’s gotta be the weirdest way to make a living I’ve heard of in a while.

At night we went to a little burner gathering at a bar where I got hit on and invited to a kinky sex-party by a charming gent (I passed in spite of Teiwaz’ generous offer to ‘pimp me out’) and when I asked the girl who offered me a smoke why she seems familiar she said “because we made out in a hot tub at Headless Point a few years back.” We instantly launched into singing the song we had been singing back then. Good times!

We spent all of Sunday at the Metropolitan Museum. Amazing! I don’t even know what got me most… the Native American section, the Islamic art, the modern art… so much beauty! At night we saw a great show. Monday we had brunch with Rumpus and then I finally collapsed, sick as a dog.

I realized I need to buy a camera. I took the most amazing pics with my brain but that won’t help you guys, now will it?

Hanging with Teiwaz is a real treat, inspiring in many ways. He seems so well-rounded nowadays. Works a job he loves for a great non-profit and even gets to travel. I’m looking forward to see his next big art-piece, maybe at Coachella?

After all those years of us being friends but me mostly seeing him as Captain Ahab on the Slug and as Flambeau the Klown who turns into Flambully sometimes it's nice to see his sweet, bromantic side. Funny…usually I meet men and they are all sweet and romantic and much later I get to see their dark side. This time it’s the other way ‘round. Nice for a change.

O.k. NYC was fantastic! ... more on the good stuff of that trip tomorrow. Today I'm just posting to complain!!!!

It could have been so much more kicking had I not gotten sick again. Woke up Sunday morning with every inch of fabric in Teiwaz' bed soaked in my sweat. *Embarrassing*

Kinda managed ok Sunday day but by Sunday night I was a wreck and Monday I almost passed out on the way back from brunch. Spent the rest of that day mumbeling incoherent stuff at Teiwaz and Rumpus from under the blanket instead of sipping Martinis at the Rainbow Room as planned.

I've been sick pretty much non-stop since October. WTF? As soon as one illness moves out the next one moves in. Maybe my system is down because of the weight-loss?

What's up with that shit anyways? I paid attention. I ate just as much as Teiwaz all weekend and still didn't gain a gram.

Bitches!!!

I never thought much about my own mortality because I've always been convinced that I will live to be 100 years old if I so choose. I'm "built for WW III" as my friend Mark once said - but somehow lately it's been coming up. I don't know what it is. Mid-life crisis? Aging? Collecting goth-points?

My body has been doing weird things lately but even before that started, even 2 months ago there was a while when every time I meditated the first thought that came out of the deep was "What if I have cancer?" Totally random! Cancer doesn't even run in my family. WTF? It got so annoying that I didn't want to meditate for a while.

So I finally decided that fears are best dealt with and in the last couple of days I sat myself down and dealt. Wrote a proper Will and emailed it to my mom. Changed my 401(k) beneficiary-designation which forced me to confront a recent "death in the family", not a literal one but realizing that someone who I thought was always gonna be my family doesn't want to be that close to me anymore sure felt like one. Hurts like a motherfucker.

I realized that I'm probably less afraid of death right now because my main fear about it is losing connection with the people I love most. Just recently I've been feeling rather disconnected from these people even in life - in some cases emotionally, in some just geographically. While that's not a happy situation it sure helps with my fear of death. If they barely see and miss me in life that means they can do without me, si? It's a relief - weird as this may sound.

I realized that - in spite of my general spiritual leanings - when it comes to life after death I still prefer the idea my atheist parents raised me with: That you're just gonna be dead. Gone. Over. Switched off. The big sleep with no awakening. You won't even know you're dead. Could it get any more comforting than that? Re-incarnation sounds like such a drag.

Earth has always been my element and the idea of decaying and turning into earth, into food for the little critters and for the little plants sounds wonderful to me. Just going back into the womb of the great mother - nothing scary about that.

If we were supposed to know what happens after we die someone would tell us, right? So I refuse to worry about it. I think we are supposed to focus on making this life the best we can for this life's sake, not because we are trying to collect points for some after-life. Do there always have to be promises of reward or punishment in order to get us to do the right thing? Can't we just be good for goodness sake?

While this all might sound a bit dark, these musings have actually helped motivate me even more to do something with my life and helped restore my self-respect. Life is too short to not live your dreams. Life is too short to take shit from people. Life is too short to waste your time doing things that don't make you happy. And now I REALLY have to live to be 100 years old because I got a late start on doing what I'm supposed to do with this life. ;)

Life is a gift. Don't forget to take it out of the box.

Holy Fucking Shit!

I'm so excited. Day after tomorrow I'll be on a plane with the Pornclownposse to Vegas. I almost forgot about it. Now it's so soon. Can't wrap my head around it.

It really just sunk in when Ikandy emailed us that she booked a stretch limo to take us on the town Friday night.

Well I'm fucking ready! I've finished the portable Grope-a-klown-box (it ain't pretty but it works). Just need to toss my make-up and costumes in a suitcase and all else will fall into place.

I can't wait to find out who the mysterious goth-klown-boy from NYC is that Teiwaz is bringing. I *heart* surprises.

And I just got an interview scheduled for a volunteer position/training program at a women's shelter in the city. I hope they pick me. I'm excited excited excited!

Of course I've already made an appointment with the music school where the teacher my angel picked for me teaches singing lessons. That's a long miraculous tale of synchronicity, not to be told here.

And the band has 1.5 new members and Damin is pushing for a gig - that crazy man!

And tonight will be step three of me trying to re-wire my brain to work at it's full capacity.

In spite of broken hearts I am moving forward like a well-oiled machine. I just don't have time to mourn I guess.

because I fucking *RAWK*!

I just realized (as I was looking at Davor's latest pics to be precise) that pretty much all my ex-boyfriends from the last 7 years or so are exceptionally good looking men. Not the clean-cut variety by any means... but fairly classic good looks.

What's up with that?

I used to pride myself that looks don't mean anything to me. My boyfriends in Berlin were consistently ugly but had so much charisma that it didn't matter.

What happened?

I feel so shallow.

I'm perfectly happy.

I have it all.

A dream. A plan. A feeling that I'm on the right track. A whole new bright future enfolding before me. A big smile on my face.

Butterflies in my stomach.

And this time - for once - it's not about a man.

It's about MY life!