This Blog has no title, just words

Corporate Confession???

BernieD — Wed, 31 May 2006 18:56:13 GMT

For the past 5 months, I have been working at Fox Studios in Century City. Everyday, I would walk by one of the office buildings, and I would see this in a window. of the 5th floor. It was always a mystery for me. What was the orrigin of this sign? It kind of looks like a cue card, or one of those cards contestants would hold up on the Newlywed Game show. It looks professionaly written, but, the topic is not very game show-ish. So, wtf is it? A corporate confession? A cry in the dark? A token from some show that this person thought was..cool..poignant...sad..scary? It is kinda creepy, but, it does make one think. What do you think it is??? Why do you think it is??? What does it make you think???

I'm Still Alive

BernieD — Wed, 31 May 2006 18:47:39 GMT

Hello Kiddies, I haven't been on Tribe for several weeks, so, I thought I would let you all know that I am doing well. It's been just over a month since I last posted a blog, and that was just a funny funny. So...what's been going on you may wonder....or not. That show I had been working on since Xmas is over. It wasn't picked up, so, we tore it all down. It took a month for 3 guys to set it all up. It took 2 guys a week to tear it all down. The last pieces were removed last Thursday. I am happy to have some time off. I was really getting burned out. Funny thing is, all the sets from that show have been sold to a new show, and I might start to build that set in just a few weeks. Part of me doesn't want to go back to work so soon, but, in my job, I have to be a whore, and take any work I can get, cuz, I never know when the next job will come. All I really want to do is lay around, camp, fish, and travel. Guess I will have to make these next few weeks count! This past weekend I went Camping with some Men from my Men's group and a few of the wives. We camped at Buckhorn , at the tippy top of the Angeles Crest Forrest. It was a great time. So beautiful. A bit crowded and noisy it being memorial Day weekend and all. But, we went on some great hikes , and I swam in some frigind water, and dove under a waterfall. had some laughs, and great food. This camp is along the Pacific Crest trail. This Trail starts at the Mexican border and goes all the way to Canada! Hikers on that trail were streaming in and out of the camp all weekend. On Saturday evening, a group of 5 hikers straggled in, and set up camp on a lil hill above out camp site. We gave them water, and food, and because it was so cold, invited them to share our camp fire. We spent about 3 or 4 hours visiting with them, asking questions about the hike, their lives, gossip, and such. Every hiker on the PCT gets a Trail name. The Trail names of the hikers we met were Spechul41, Steel magnolia, Chai Guy, Jackalope, and Eagleye. They were great people, although, I could never imagine doing that hike. We were deemed Trail Angels, and were given Trail Names of our own. I was tagged as...Hollywood. LOL. As for my personal life, nothing much is going on. No dates, no sex, no beatings. But, that's ok. I needed this time to recharge and get my head together. I have been emailing with a few new prospects. We will see where any of those go. Yesterday, I hade my first friendly conversation with my ex. I was relieved. I felt bad that she was so mad at me. I want us to be friends. We ARE going to cross paths from time to time, and, I don't see any reason for there to be uncomfortable feelings when that happens. So, that's about it. I miss you all so much. Maybe I will get to spend a bit more time on Tribe now that I am not working. The pic attached to this is one of the views of Buckhorn's surroundings

A thoughtful gift

BernieD — Fri, 28 Apr 2006 00:28:43 GMT

A friend bought me a sweater. What I really wanted was a screamer or a moaner.

A day of Hedomism

BernieD — Sat, 15 Apr 2006 18:33:54 GMT

Yesterday I spent almost the entire day at my friend's new Hedomism Salon and Day Spa, in Santa Monica. http://www.hedonismsalonanddayspa.com/ It is owned and run by my good friend and fellow Tribester Nightshade http://people.tribe.net/nightshade I took my Girlfriend and myself for the full pampering treatment. What a wonderful day! The place is beautiful, clean, serene. The staff are so good looking and friendly. They kept offering us food and drink. Did whatever they could to make us as comortable as possible. We both got the full treatment. Body treatment, from stem to stern, a mini-facial. Hairstyle and color and scalp massage from Reva http://people.tribe.net/b73a80ad-3c0a-4f29-bb26-1b425ed99c1a Deep tissue massage. OMG. We walked out of there looking great and feeling even better! I am so proud of Nightshade and her husband. This place is amazing. Filled with wonderful friendly people. Great location. I just know they are gonna do so well.

The Turn of a Phrase

BernieD — Thu, 13 Apr 2006 18:25:36 GMT

I have always had a facination about how certain phrases, that we all use fairly regularly, came into being. Some of them seem to make some kind of sense, one could fairly reasonably figure out how they came into being. But, most are just odd. Low and behold, a friend sent me an email about just this subject. It tells how certain phrases came into being and gives us some perspective on "the good ole days". (Incidentaly, I hate that idea. That yesterday was better than today. These are my best days. Tomorrow will be even better. Learn and enjoy..... The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s: Interesting... true or not. Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, next the women and finally the children and last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water." Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold." (Getting quite an education, aren't you?) In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old." Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and hence the saying, "chew the fat." Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, hence tomatoes were considered poisonous. Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or hence "upper crust." Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake." England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (hence the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer." And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History was boring ! ! !

Craigslist is a HOOT

BernieD — Wed, 12 Apr 2006 17:18:18 GMT

Here is something I found on Craigslist (best of) that I thought you might all enjoy..... You Rule, Vietnamese Waxer Lady Date: 2006-03-15, 3:44PM PST My regular waxer was not available and I just could not bear the wild, untamed amazon bush jungle that my, well, bush had become for another day. So I came to you on my lunch hour, Anonymous Vietnamese Waxer Lady who works at the cheapie nail place. We were mere strangers before this afternoon, but after knowing you only an hour, I feel like I must point out the reasons why you rule. When it was necessary to get on all fours to do the “taint” part of the wax, you applied the wax so delicately to my bunghole, then asked, in what I assumed were two of the only five English words you know, “Too hot?” I responded yes, it was too hot. And without hesitation, you blew on it to cool the hot wax. YOU BLEW ON MY BUNGHOLE, Vietnamese Waxer Lady. Do you know how special that is? Nobody blows on the bung. Nobody. Since you were a bit clumsy with the wax, there were many bits leftover that did not get taken up onto the “Strip of Doom” as I like to call it. So without any sort of trepidation whatsoever, you happily took a cotton ball and dug the wax out of my vaginal canal yourself. How did you manage to do that without making me feel the least bit uncomfortable, Vietnamese Waxer Lady? Were you a gynecologist back in Vietnam and they wouldn’t let you practice medicine in the United States when you immigrated here, and so now you wax pubes for a living? I know that kind of thing happens all the time, and it wouldn’t surprise me at all to know this occupation has not been your first foray into coochdom. And I know this is totally inappropriate, but I even started to feel, dare I say, a tiny bit frisky from the action. You just seemed to know my vagina so very well. Almost like you were two old friends, and I was this new acquaintance showing up to lunch with you and my vagina, but then was all like “Oh. I see you two have already met.” Since you don’t speak much English, you had to motion to me where to place my legs in the air to best reach the “corner” as you called it. Most people would have been uncomfortable with their legs in the air and then having their butt cheeks spread further apart, mere centimeters from the face of a stranger. But you smiled at me and with a subtle _expression, indicated that you, too, felt my pain. You should give lessons to medical students, Vietnamese Waxer Lady, on how to have good bedside manner. Or I guess in your case, ass-side manner. I thanked you with a good tip, but I want to thank you here, publicly, for your selfless action, and for doing your part on behalf of all humanity to keep my pubes under control.

Never, ever, EVER, use the brown!!!

BernieD — Thu, 16 Mar 2006 23:13:19 GMT

UPS sucks! Here is my tale of woe. I found this really great leather shirt on Ebay. I won the auction for a very good price. About 1/5 the price I would pay in a store. The seller ships UPS. It was taking a long time to recieve this item. So, I contacted the seller, and he sent me the tracking number. I logged into UPS.com and entered the number, and low and behold, they say the packeage was delivered on Monday! I wasn't home on Monday. There was no delivery notice left. I checked with my manager and nothing was left with her, nor did she remember a UPS driver in the building that day either. I called UPS customer service and told them this story. They looked into it a little more and told me their records show that the driver left the packeage under my doormat. WTF? First, this would have to be a kinda biggish box to hold a leather shirt, so, it wouldn't fit under a doormat. Second. I don't have a doormat. Third, that seems pretty negligent to leaver a package in a hallway of a busy apartment complex. I asked customer service if it was customary to leave a package in a hallway on the first delivery attempt. "No Sir." But, that's what your driver reported he did. "Yes, Sir." Shouldn't they have left a notice that they left it at my door? "Yes, Sir." They didn't leave me a notice. "I'm sorry, Sir." My package is missing. "I'm sorry, Sir." Well, ok, I would like to make a claim then, or start an investigation. "I'm sorry. You can't, Sir. Only the shipper can make a claim." But, I paid for this item in advance. I prepaid for the shipping. It is my property you lost. "I'm sorry, Sir. Only the shipper can make a claim." This conversation went round and round with no ending, so I hung up after tleeling customer service that I was going to start an anti UPS campaign. Like she cares. I contacted the seller from Ebay, but, seriously, why should he care? He did his part. He put it in a box and sent it off. He had no control with what happened after that. He has my money. He upheld his end of the bargain. He hasn't responded to me yet. Here is what I think happened. I think the UPS driver was a lazy negligent fuckwad and left my package in front of my door, and someone in the building stole it. I told the Apartment manager my story, and she told me to type up a notice and that she would post it up all over the complex. OK, I did that. We will see what happenes. But, here is what my cynical mind thinks. I think it is really odd that the UPD driver would leave the box out in the open like that. I think the UPD driver stole my shirt, and said he left it by my door. A pretty easy theft. I was so pissed that UPS wouldn't do anything from my request, that I sent Customer Service notice that unless I recieved some satisfaction that they were looking into this, that I would call the police and charge their driver with theft! It prolly wont make a difference, but, it felt good to write it. I am prolly out the $46 bucks. I am including a pic of the cool shirt, and an anti UPS graphic. I will keep you updated.

I know you are just dying to know............

BernieD — Fri, 10 Mar 2006 10:59:20 GMT

Ok, it's been a few weeks since I layed out all that was going on with me, and the beginning of a revolutionary relationship for me. Oh yeah, and I said I had become a non-smoker. Well, one outta two ain't so bad. I am still smoking. I made an attempt. A half assed attempt. Half measures availed me nada. But, on to the juicy stuff............... I am in love. I love. I am loved. We are love. Did I mention the word love? We both have this feeling, this certainty, that we are meant to be together. We believe that there is a mighty power that brought us together, finally. That our prayers were answered. Prayers we couldn't quite voice. Prayers for something we didn't really think we could really have, or deserve. I believe that God only sends us situations we can handle. This is no easy thing Her and I are attempting. We are walking down a road neither of us has been down before. We don't really know the rules yet. We don't know what we are doing, or how to make it happen. But, we are game. We are enthusiastic. Commited. We have had some very scary moments. Twice, we have parted very sad, very frustrated and confused. Fearing it was all over, or we had come to some impossibility. Those were terrible and painful experiences. But, after a short time, we did what we do best. We talked frankly, and our desire, no, our NEED to be with each other, drove us to figure it out, to make it work. And work it does! It feels like each day brings us closer. Increases our love for each other. Deepens our understanding of each other, and ourselves. Shame, secrets, judgements fall away. They have little impact on us. We just blurt out what we feel, what we think, what has happened to us, what we want and what we don't. It's hard to be away from her. I went over to her house today even though I only had 5 minutes to spare before work. I couldn't face another 24 hours without seeing her face. Without feeling her touch. Without Her being near me. It took about a nanosecond for me to fall into her. It felt so good. I almost cried. It was a very short visit, and very very sweet, and I left feeling like I could endure another day of those things we must do to get thru, to eat and pay the bills. I really wish I didn't have to do those things anymore. I just want to be with Her. We write these amazing emails. Sometimes long, sometimes short. I feel like each one changes me somehow. I know, I am gushing. I am usually quite the cynic. There is still this part of me that keeps telling me to calm down, take it slow, protect myself. Fuck that noise! Cuz that's what that is, noise. I think my whole life has prepared me for this woman, for this experience, for this connection, these lessons. I will not waste one precious second of it. Ok, I am blathering. It is almost 3AM and I just worked a 13 hour day. I can't really adequately express what I am feeling. Words fall short. They escape me for now. I just wanted to share with my beloved Tribe friends some of my joy, and let you know that I have never been happier. I am going to go give thanks to God now. Peace, and Love to you all, and to those that want it, Perversion too! :D

OH...did I mention???

BernieD — Sun, 26 Feb 2006 23:02:06 GMT

Sunday, February 26th, 2006.... As of today...... I am a non-smoker!!!!

Full Disclosure...Long Disclosure....REALLY EFFING LONG!!!!

BernieD — Sat, 25 Feb 2006 23:30:45 GMT

Hello kiddies, (be warned..this is gonna take several minutes of your day) It's been a while since I bared my soul here. Have not had much time for Tribe these past few months. I will admit it. I was spending my spare time searching. Searching, somewhat obsessively, for HER. Whomever she is. Around Christmas I made a pact with myself to stop fooling arround. To stop having "casual" relationships. First off, with me, nothing is casual. Second, they always lead to pain. I decided to stop causing so much pain to others, and mostly, to myself. I have been spending my days and nights pouring over the dating sites, and going to parties, and events. Always with my eyes darting from one woman to another. Made some contact here, a start there, but, they just went nowhere. I even resisted a super lovely/sexy compleate slave, who could have been all mine, because, I just knew, deep down, that we were not a good match. As painful as that was, I was kinda proud of myself for that. So, obsesivly I searched. I was alone, and often lonely. I was getting frustrated and a bit bitter. I mean, how hard could it be to meet Her in a city this big? Pretty freaking hard it seems! So, I kept up going thru the motions. Searching. Emailing. Being out there and available. Then, February 4th, I went to a lecture at my local dungeon, the Lair de Sade. hanging out before the lecture started, BSing with friends. I was having a smoke with a ggal I know, and she introduced me to her friend. So, we all sat there chatting. Wow, I liked her looks, very much. I told my gal pal, wow, your friend is a real hottie, which She heard and responded to. :) I was fairly encouraged at the posibilities. There was some definate chemistry and heat being generated. The lecture started, and it just so happened that we sat right next to each other. Coincidence? After about 90 minutes, there was a break. We all went outside, and hung out. There were a few vendors there, one who sells whips and floggers and such.She picked up a flogger and proceded to whack our mutual friend savagely! Uh Oh! My encouragement level droped significantly. But, not my interest. It kinda turned me on to see how she lit up when she was weilding that floger. The lecture resumed. It was a very great lecture, mixing the stages of M/s relationships with a heavy dose of spirituality. When it ended, we all hung out some more and we exchanged contact info. I had to ask if she was all Domme, or if she switched at all. She said all Domme baby. Damn! I gave her a hug and said, ok then, seems we will just have to be pals then. She laughed at me, and split. Starting that night, or maybe the next, we began these late night, 2 hour phone conversations. The more I learned about her, the more I was impressed. The more we talked, the more I saw that she fulfilled just about every quality I had been looking for in a woman. But, she is a Domme. How was that supposed to work out?? Mid-week sometime, I saw my therapist, and, I said, I have met a woman who fulfills 95% of my requirements for who i have been looking for. I give you 3 guesses what the hang up is. His first guess was "she's married". Nope, try again. I don't remember what his second guess was. He thought long and hard about his third guess. Then his eyebrows raised, his mouth dropped open, and he almost yelled, "She is a Dominant!" and started to just about laugh his ass off! Yeah, really fucking funny ain't it? I started to alugh too, until I almost cried. it was so preposterous! What a cruel joke the Universe was playing on me. Whaaaaaaa! I talked about my confusion. My desire for her. Why I thought a relationship with her was impossible. About how even though I knew it was impossible, I couldn't get her out of my mind. I talked about how i don't believe in accidents. There is a reason that she has been dropped into my life! But, wtf was the reason? I became determined to find out. I met her briefly on the Wednesday following our meeting, for a quick meal. I gave her this little speach. "It's no accident we have met. I am feeling a great deal of attraction towards you. I don't know what we are supposed to be to each other. It may be just good friends, or some kind of dynamic duo Topping team. Or maybe, you are my long lost twin sister. Or maybe we are supposed to become something there is no name coined for yet. but, what ever it is, I am up for it. I am in! Time had run out, and we had to part, but, it seems my message had some effect. We continued to talk and send each other long emails. We started this practice of making our email subject lines, song titles. That was, and continues to be fun. We both found ourselves opening up and spilling really secret stuff about ourselves. Quick, deep, compleat open communication. Wow. My head was swimming. On Saturday I called her and asked her if someone was feeding her tonight. She said no, and I said, well, I want to. We went to a nice resaraunt around the corner from me. (to all my Exes and gals I have dated who are on tribe, yes, THAT restaraunt) Damn, the air was crackling with electicity. We laughed and talked, and flirted. She even snaked her feet up to play with my cock!! Oh man! We went back to my place, and she said, hey, I found this really hot gal on Alt who would be great for you. (WTF?) My computer is kind of in a cramped space, so, I had her sit on my lap while she searched for the perfect woman for me (that wasn't her). Oh man, this was really very confusing, and really hot. I couldn't keep my hands off her, but, was trying to behave. Then, she told me, "it really turns me on when I am bitten on the neck and shoulders", and she lowered her shirt to show me. "Go on" she said. (or something like that) As biting is one of my major fetishes, I jumped right in to biting. Her reactions spured me to bite harder and harder, until, I started biting much too hard. (that was 3 weeks ago, and she is still healing!) The biting turned into kissing, and well, led to us being naked and having sex. It was kinda odd, and stumbling. Us both being Dominants, we both fell back on our defaults, and there was a lot of boundry testing, and a lot of comments like "ouch", "um, nope, don't do that", "I don't really enjoy that", and a lot of laughs and grunts, and it was very, very , VERY hot. So, off we go. Off the cliff. hand in hand. Into uncharted territory for us both. Good thing we both are good comunicators and are dedicated to honesty. We have made a promise to each other to just be. Just be ourselves. And you know what, it is such a relief! No roles to act out. No script to follow. Freedom, like I haven't known before! I have never felt more safe, or accepted. I am not worried about revealing who I am. She reveals herself to me compleatly. It is magic. In my next ession with my therapist, he knew something big had happened from the moment I sat down. I started to recount the past week, and he stopped my from providing a travel log to asking me how I felt. I talked about the relief, the freedom, the lightness, the calm I was feeling. That has been one of the biggest surprises and differences from any relationship I have been in before. I mean, yeah, I am really excited, but, mostly, I feel at peace. Calm. Like I am right where I am supposed to be. Like I am finally home. I fell like I am being rewarded for all my hard work on myself. A gift from God. A true blessing. I saw that my therapist was all dewey eyed and holding his hands up and rubbing them together in front of him. I asked him what he was doing? He said "What you are going thru, what you are experiencing, who you are right now, It is such an honor and pleasure to be in the prescense of what you are experiencing. To be in the same room with it. To be withing 50 miles of it. To be in 500 miles of it!. I am just warming my hands from it". Aw shit, I had a pretty joyous cry after that comment! She sent me a link to a dating horoscope site. Hers: I am Scorpio, My Lover is Pisces This is a relationship made in heaven! As a water sign, you relate to fellow water sign Pisces in an intimate, instinctual way. This relationship will be deeply satisfying to your heart and soul -- your Pisces sweetheart understands you in a way that few people do. (edit) Sex should be an out-of-body experience for you two, reaching a level of spirituality that only exists between the most greatly evolved souls. Physical lovemaking to a Pisces is the most authentic, precious, and important communication of his or her love. (edit) Hold on to your Pisces lover, and don't let him or her out of your arms. You will never tire of discovering yet another facet of their infinite love for you. Mine:I am Pisces, My Lover is Scorpio (edit) this person is a true soul mate. Scorpios share Pisces' depth of feeling and emotion, and both signs rely on intuition. Scorpio lights up your house of higher thought, so together you can explore the serious questions in life, such as: Why are we here? What is the role of religion? Is it possible to have more than one true love? Scorpio is especially spiritual, something Pisces appreciate. Scorpios will be loyal and discreet -- another plus to Pisces -- and their feelings of love go awesomely deep. Sexually, this can be a thrilling match, for Scorpio likes the fact that Pisces expect a near-religious experience from making love. (edit) This person is intense, and sometimes he or she can even get a little paranoid. If your Scorpio seems withdrawn, gently press them to talk to you. Scorpios sometimes don't exactly know what it is that is making them churn inside. Expressing his or her disjointed feelings may help your lover make sense of the situation. However, don't expect getting your Scorpio to talk to be an easy task; opening up a Scorpio is like uprooting a giant redwood tree. Yet Pisces' delicate sensitivity always lets them know when to press forward and when to hold back. (edit) If you are up to Scorpio's intensity this can be an invigorating pairing. Scorpio will expand your entire spectrum of feeling. My bet is you'll love it, and your Scorpio will too. So basicly, her's says..he is perfect for you...don't fuck this up. Mine says...she is perfect for you...she will be a pain in the ass but worth every second of it. And, thats pretty much how it has been going! LOL. It HAS been a challenge for us both. It has not been easy, but at the same time, so natural. It is comfortable ,and disturbing all at the same time. We are taking this one day at a time, trying not to look down the road too far. We both have unanswered questions about how we can deal with expressing our mutual Dominant tendancies. last week, she scened with a sub male, and tonight, I am scening with the wife of a close friend. I did not experience any jealosy when she played. She is not too sure how she feels about me playing yet, and, she has (convienently ?) gotten sick and wont be present tonight when I play. I really wanted her to be with me tonight for a few reasons. This is my birthday weekend, and there is a party. I really want her to meet my friends, but, oh well, that will have to wait. Honestly, it hurts a bit. I think that us watching each other play will reveal more to each other, and could bring us even closer together. I could be wrong about that. So, bottom line. I am falling deeply in love with this woman. She is everything I could have wanted, and she is not at all who I expected. Shrugs. There is a greater force at work here than just Her and I. I trully believe that. I feel I am ready. I am totaly willing. I feel like I am finally able to respond to this relationship. I have jumped out of a perfectly good airplane, without a parachute. If I glide down safely, that's great. If I plummet into the ground, I am totlly fine with that too. Love is the ultimate edge play, and I am an edge player baby!

3 part problem/3 part solution

BernieD — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 07:29:40 GMT

In my men's group we are talking about men's health. Not in general, but in specifics. Us, in the group. This group is made up of 7 men. Ages ranging from 36 to 51. We are all sober, ranging from 2.5 yrs to 18 yrs. We spent the last 2 weeks identifying our particular health issues. This week, we started talking about motivation to start dealing with our issues. For most of us the problem is being overweight and lack of excersize. There are 6 pretty decent bellys sitting in that circle. In talking tonight, we started to talk about addiction and our programs. We turn our lives over to God for help, strenght, wisdom, direction, yet, we tend to take this body aspect back. Self will run riot at the buffet. In recovery we talk about our disease being a 3 fold disease. A disease of the mind (stinkin thinkin) body(drinking/drugs), and spirit(lack of a higher power). So, we do the Steps. We fight our disease on all 3 fronts. We begin a relationship and connection with our higher power. We work the steps, to help fix our odd ideas, and, we stop putting into our bodies the substances that feed the endless cycle of cravings. But, as for the body, is that enough? Is not drinking/using where we stop treating our disease on the body front? Can one trully be a spiritual person if we don't take care of our bodies? Most of us started to feel pretty powerless over our food/sloth behaviours. Next week, the facilitator is going to ask us to make a commitment. That's all he told us, that he will ask, not WHAT he will ask. The work continues....... ps...this pic is NOT of anyone in our group

When does it end?

BernieD — Fri, 18 Nov 2005 08:03:30 GMT

My father has been dead for 20+ years. We didn't have a great relationship, but, before he died, we called a truce. He did his best, but, he never really did understand me, never really supported me. He wounded my psyche in many ways. I thought I had dealt with most of that. Put him to rest, so to speak. But, he has come up in theraphy, over and over again. The past 2 sessions have been mostly about him. It is interesting to see how my therapist sees him. He uses words like abandonment, user, cheap, castrating! , disempowering, controling, etc. I am not sure what to do with these new thoughts. Am I supposed to get all pissed off all over again? Do I have to look at it all in a different way so that I can deal with our relationship all over again? Ick. I thought I had moved on, dealt, was over any wounds he may have caused. But, it seems not. Someone said to me once, you NEVER EVER are finnished dealing with your parents..dead or alive. I guess this is true..it seems to be for me. Here is a pic of dad. In his early 20's in Paris, bout the time he met my mom.

Huh?

BernieD — Fri, 11 Nov 2005 03:45:12 GMT

So...I was blathering on and on about something yesterday. I don't really remember what it was all about. It must not have been very important then. Nevermind

Todays themes...is this as good as it gets? and I hear the message

BernieD — Thu, 10 Nov 2005 07:46:36 GMT

Lets see if I can tie this all together.... I went to see my head squisher today. We talked about a lot of things...but..the question came up....do you think that when you find "her", that your life will become all better, or, will you decide to become better when you finaly find "her"? In other words, will I take care of my issues that I know, right now, need to be dealt with, then? I said no. It will take some of the pressure off, but, she is not going to fix me. I will get back to the head squishing in a bit. In one of my tribes, a thread asks, What is one of your guilty pleasures? One that maybe you are a little embarrassed about. I did not post in that thread, but I thought about it, and I would have posted that...I like chick flicks. OK? I admit it. I cry whenever I see them. I will watch them over and over on tv, and cry every time. I am a romantic at heart. A sucker for miracles on film. One of those films was on tv tonight. "As Good as it Gets". Jack Nicholson, and Helen Hunt (known as Helen Cunt in the business, but, thats another story). That film covers a lot of issues, but, the 2 that struck me today, because they have been repeated all day are, is this as good as it gets? and, in one scene, the Helen Hunt character demands that the Jack Nicholson character give her a compliment, or she will leave. He says "you make me what to be a better man". Ok, it's Hollywood bullshit, but, thats how many people think. And, it still makes me cry when I watch that. First. Is this as good as it gets? Hell no! Gawd, it better not be. I know what I have to do to make my life a whole lot better. It is only a few little things needed that will help me feel a whole lot better, in many ways. They will take some work, some discipline, some willingness, and, some prayers for help and strenght. "YOU make me want to be a better man". Well ok, "she" does. I mean, what has to come first? "her", or the better me that will attract "her". My squisher asked me "who is she?". "What is she like?". "What qualities does she have to have to be "her"?". And, "would "she" be attracted to you today?'. Um, ah, well, I dunno, I, ah, guess, maybe not. Shit I don't know. So, is this as good as it gets? Not by a long shot. You make me want to be a better man. Well, how about I want me to be a better man! I have been spending the last 6 years actively doing that, but, I have slipped a bit. For now, it all centers on one issue. Oh, and here is the last tie in. In my Men's Group, the topic started this week, and that will go on for the next few months is....men's health. Specificly, the men in our group. So, that IS my issue. When I am taking care fo myself, eating right, excersising, and not smoking, or smoking in some kind of reasonable, non-addict way, I feel a whole lot better. When I feel better, I feel better ABOUT myself. When i feel better about myself, i am much more attractive, confident, make better decisions, am less depressed,excetera, excetera, excetera. It is so simple, and I have known it all along, but, I am a lazy, hedonistic, Dominant type, who wants everything brought to me, with out me having to work for it. Shit, if I could make my submissive go work out for me so that I could lose weight, I damn well would! Ok, I get the message. Now what? Oh yeah. I gotta take action.

breaking my silence..playing the game too

BernieD — Wed, 09 Nov 2005 00:11:30 GMT

I have been actively not blogging my ass off this past month or so. Just got tired of my own voice, my own thoughts. I realy didn't want to bare my soul here because, I felt embarassed, ashamed. I didn't want you all to see me like this. Not at my best. It's been quite a roller coaster ride. So, a few of my friends here have been doing something interesting with their blogs, and I thought it would be a good excersise for me too........................................................................................... If you read this, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want, either good or bad. I promise not to come after you, either way.

rebought an old record on CD

BernieD — Mon, 26 Sep 2005 06:24:49 GMT

An oldie but goodie. Good Bye Yellow Brick Road. Elton John. I had forgoten some of these songs. This is my new theme song....it just feels like me. This Song Has No Title Just Words and a Tune. Tune me in to the wild side of life I'm an innocent young child sharp as a knife Take me to the garretts where the artists have died Show me the courtrooms where the judges have lied Let me drink deeply from the water and the wine Light coloured candles in dark dreary mines Look in the mirror and stare at myself And wonder if that's really me on the shelf And each day I learn just a little bit more I don't know why but I do know what for If we're all going somewhere let's get there soon Oh this song's got no title just words and a tune Take me down alleys where the murders are done In a vast high powered rocket to the core of the sun Want to read books in the studies of men Born on the breeze and die on the wind If I was an artist who paints with his eyes I'd study my subject and silently cry Cry for the darkness to come down on me For confusion to carry on turning the wheel yeah..feels like me all over

Released

BernieD — Thu, 22 Sep 2005 07:03:10 GMT

I saw my surgeon today, and he says it all looks good. Healing nicely. Bones making good connection. He has relaeased me to go back to work emediately. He even said I go to my chiropractor and even have him adjust the rest of my neck...gently. I am excited to be getting back to work. 1, because I am broke. 2, because a man gets a lot of his self indentity from his work. 3, because i have been sitting arround much too much, and that is not a good place for an addict to be in. Too much brain time. I am also a little scared. Wondering if I am strong enuf yet. Will I be able to do all the lifting and schleping without hurting myself? Only one way to find out!!! Watch out Hollywood. Bernie is back!!!

Declaration

BernieD — Mon, 19 Sep 2005 00:26:10 GMT

I am not the person people think I am. I am not their characterization. They don't know me. They don't know what's in my heart. They don't know what's in my mind. They have not walked in my shoes. They don't feel my struggles. I know who I am deep down. They only judge me by my actions, my mistakes. I am much more than those things. Joke 'em if they can't take a fuck.

So..I did it.

BernieD — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 08:06:34 GMT

I turned on all my online dating profiles. I updated them. Put out there, for all to see, my sick twisted perversions and issues. They are brutally honest. Warts and all. I am bunkering down for the huge swell of total indifference.

It's a real drag when the power goes off while you are "looking" at porn

BernieD — Mon, 12 Sep 2005 21:50:13 GMT

I'm just saying :)

Back in the Saddle..or at least a foot in the stirrups

BernieD — Mon, 12 Sep 2005 06:46:09 GMT

Had my first sexual encounter since my break up. A very sweet. Verry pretty. Very naughty. Very young submissive. I described how we met and what we are doing, to a friend here on Tribe, and they said it sounded like a scene from Sex in the City. I met her at my local dungeon. She is a friend and co-worker of friends of mine, and was dating another friend of mine up until last week. And, we are both seeing the same therapist, to deal with issues from our last break ups, and stuff. I think it sounds more like a Frence sex farce film. Non? Actually, her and I have been talking for a while about our theraphy, so, we each know what the other is trying to work out. I was very honest about my history, and seeming abscence of the ability to sustain a relationship. So, we agreed, to not have a relationship. Not gonna be bf/gf. Just pals with benifits, within a D/s context. Tonight, we have been IMing and she has been reading me her mail from a kink dating site, and I am helping her seperate the fools and poseurs from the possible good guys. Very sophisticated. It has been good. Good for my ego. Good for hers. A step back into life for me. A moving on for her. Good things all around. She left here about 4 hours ago, and I still have not showered her off me. I may just go to sleep with her smell. Savor it a bit.

Need relief from all this madness and sadness??

BernieD — Mon, 05 Sep 2005 04:47:58 GMT

Well, I did this afternoon. I spent most of the day switching between all the cable news networks, and was feeling pretty low. Then, I heard something that just tweaked me. I think I heard it on MSN. The police in NO had reported a fire fight with a band of 8 armed men on a bridge, killing 4 or 5 of them. Sheeesuz. My mind went to, I bet they were black, and this is going to raise a whole big shit storm about racism. Then about 20 min later, they start to repeat a story off the AP wire saying that one of the contractors hired to help fix the levies, reported that 4 or 5 of thier contractors had been killed, and they thought it was by the police!! Oh geeze, what a collossal fuck up! What madness. it was just too much. So, I turned off the tv and started to look for diversions. I took a look at what movies were playin. I NEED A COMEDY! I had already seen the 40 Yr Old Virgin (which I highly recomend, it is high-larious), so, what else?? Oh yeah, that Aristocrats movie. Now, if you haven't heard about this movie, here is a lil synopsis.. Ya see, there is this joke. A very very old joke. I very very old and very very dirty, offensive, outragious joke, that all comic know, but hardly any of them perform, except to each other. This movie is a documentary with about 50 comics, all talking about, and retelling this joke and all it's varriances. That sounded like just what the doctor (Dr. Bernie, not Dr. Robert) ordered. So I went to see it. Ok, this is the best film ever! It makes Citizen Kane look like a high school project. The scope! The emotion! The scholarly treatment of such a sensative subject. it will leave you breathless. Mmostly because you wont be able to catch your breath, you will be laughing so hard. If you have a weak bladder, you ARE going to wet them! Be warned!!!! This movie IS offensive. It is not rated, but should be a strong R. Do not take your kids, do not take your parents, do not take you spouse (unless they have an appreciation of offensive humor). I saw 2 couples walk out after 10 minutes, and I hear this is a normal occurance at every showing. It is also only in limited release, so if you live in the sticks (Laura Bee) you might have to travel a bit to find it. Believe me, it is worth it. It sure changed my day :) On a side note, I came home 3 hours later, switched on the news, and that story has disapeared. No reports about it at all. Was it a hoax? No one killed by the police?? Or was the story just killed.

Disaster, Politics, Hate, Anger, Solution

BernieD — Sat, 03 Sep 2005 08:03:34 GMT

We have all seen some pretty shitty images this week. Devastation, pain, loss, death, and then today, some of the worst crap I have ever seen. The President posing for photo-ops. It was trully shameful. Along with the images, we have heard many heart wrenching stories. It is rare to see tv reporters break down, but, I have seen more than a couple do so. We have also been hearing some trully obnoxious horseshit from the media, the right, and the left. Name calling. Blame. Stupid rants. And then the accusation that this is all about racism. It seems that whenever ANYTHING happens in the country, the race card is dealt. I am no fan of Pres. Bush. But, to throw up racism at a time like this is beyond Bush bashing. If I had to accuse Mr. Bush of any ism, it would be classism. The poor be damned no matter their color. You might as well ad in the middle class too. I admit it, I hate the right. I find them evil. But, I am now coming to hate the left too. Both sides will throw out the most hideous lies just to bash the other side. But lately, the left has been going overboard, and seem to have no problem with trying to out lie Carl Rove (like that is a contest anyone should want to win). The left used to be the party of compassion, now they are becoming the party of hate. There is going to be plenty of time to sort out who did what, and place blame. There is plenty of blame to go around. But right now, it is time for action, not words. Especially such inflamatory words. Are any of these words making a positive difference? No, they are only making things worse. Lets stop fighting just long enough to respond to this crisis with what is needed. Compassion, money, and hard work. We can call each other names later.

I must be fronting

BernieD — Sun, 28 Aug 2005 20:28:50 GMT

Sometimes I feel so transparent. I feel like my every thought and emotion is written all over my face. Then, I get some feedback, and I am surprised that people see me so differently than I see myself. Yesterday was a day of introspection and a see-saw of emotions. Late afternoon I was so down, and sick of myself, and antsy, so, I took my self to the movies. I figured a good comedy would cheer me up. I wanted to go see The Aristocrats, but, I had just missed all the shows, so I went to see 40 Year Old Virgin. Hilarious!!! I worked on that film, and my stuff looked great and helped the story along. (for anyone who has wondered what it is I do in the film business...in that movie, all the TVs in the TV store. THAT is what I do. I assembled, wired, built, and ran everything to make those tvs work in the film..now you know) I got home about 10PM. Feeling a little bit better, but could feel that funk starting to come over me again. So, I went to the dungeon. I figured it would be better to hang out with friends, and peruse some eye candy, than sit at home and go nuts. So, I go. Some of my good friends are there, but, many are missing. How dare they have lives of thier own and are not there to take care of me! So, I hang out with my friends that are there. (thank you Nightshade, J, and your lil friends who's name I can't keep in my head, 1 because it is like 17 sylables long, and 2 because I am too busy drooling over her to pay attention to insignificant details like her name) We stand arround telling the most offensive jokes we can think of, and have a really good illicit laugh. I get my boots shined by the incomparable boi Anderson. There is a lot of lipstick on my boots from past submissives, and I want it off. Anderson tells me afterward that she did some energy cleansing work on my boots, and me, while she is making them look like new. Stating fresh. God bless boi Anderson. It's getting late. I can feel that funk start to creep over me again, so, I make my goodbyes. I hear from a few poeple, wow, your energy is so "up", and good to see you strutting again. Shock! What? Cant they see how much I am hurting? Man, I really must be able to front. I never knew I was so good at it. There I am feeling weak, lonely, very unsure of myself, and people see me in exactly the oposite way. Maybe that is not me frontin. Maybe they see what they want to see. They love me, and want to see me as happy. I am thankful for their love. It is a blessing. In so many ways, I am trully blessed.

Personal Growth

BernieD — Sat, 27 Aug 2005 21:20:12 GMT

Is a bitch!!! I saw a therapist Friday, I am still kinda raw from that. I went in there thinking I was gonna get, or start working on, some clue about who I am, and what I want. He told me that those are huge questions not easyly answered. Maybe never answered in a lifetime. Why don't I ask myself, what do I want to feel? Fuck. What do I want to feel? Nothing, that's what. Ok, that's my first addict impulse, but honestly, at this moment, I have no idea what I want to feel. I told him my long sad saga of the last 4 months, and he said "no wonder you feel like shit. You are going thru stuff that would deflate any man, and it's even worse for a Dominant. How can a man be a Dominant of he feels weak, fragile, old, powerless, and not like a sex God?" yeah, I nod. So, I have been sitting arround trying to discover how I want to feel. No clue. Just different than how I feel right now. Ok, I do know how I want to feel. I want to feel how a felt 5 months ago. Strong, confident, relaxed, carefree, sexy as all hell, a poster boy for good mental health. Recovered. Right ow, I don't feel any of those things. But, how do I want to feel when it comes to women? Yeah. How? What? That is a more difficult question right now. Do I want to fall in love, or just lust? Do I just want to beat 'em, fuck 'em, use 'em then leave 'em? Or Do I wanna fall in love, drop the walls arround my heart? Risk it? Risk the pain? My therapist said he feels that I don't trust my emotions anymore. 4 months ago I met a woman who I fell in love with, and thought "this might be the one", and then, the love left. I don't trust my feelings. Better not to have any? So, I am spending some time with myself this weekend. (gawd that sounds so pathetic!) And you know, I must be really fucking powerfull !! I am in a sad mood, so I have commanded the Universe to keep that up. Every freaking tv show I watch is some tear jerker. Every blog I read is about people out having fun with people they love. I take a walk, I see all kinds of hot women who I just know I have nothing to offer right now. I don't dare turn on the radio. Soon, my ex is comming over to pick up some clothes and stuff she left behind, and the keys to her apt that she gave me. That should be a ton o fun. Ahhhhhh! I know this is all for good. I will get thru this, and come out the other side, stronger, faster, better (like the bionic man). I should count my blessings. (on one hand) LOL, fuck, get over yourself Bernie, sheeeesh! Guess I will thank my ex when she comes over. She shook up my world when I met her, and she is shaking it up now that it is over. Growth has a price. I am willing to pay the fare.