Reality Check

I was excluded from the internet yesterday. The system I usually use needed to be rebooted by the admin and mine wasnt' installed yet.
Mine still isnt' installed --hope to go live today some time.

Reality -- gosh -- I don' t recommend it.

MTY's 28-- Loving and Moving On

I wear a heart locket. My son and his wife gave it to me a couple of Christmases ago. It reminds me that I have love and I don't have to go begging. So does my mother's ring. I have the love of my children and my grand children.

My Mother loves me. She tells me every time we talk. Not everyone hears that in their lifetime. We have had a difficult history, she and I. And have made up and have made up for lost time.

My sister loves me. She is the most humane and loving person on the planet. She is a tigress when her loved ones are hurt. She's *always* got encouraging things to say to me. She's always in my corner no matter what. She's my biggest cheerleader and the most important person in my life though we live 2 days away from each other. We were each other's main support system through the bad days of our childhood. Without her love an support I wouldn't be here. I cherish her above all others in this world.

That's the kind of love I have.

There's another kind of love that I've always dreamed of having-- the love that I search for. The love and devotion of a male counterpart in my life.

The search has led me down blind alleys, over precipices, across oceans and all over the internet. I've felt very close to people I've never met -- some of them as close as 10 miles down the road.

"But you've been married surely you've had love " you might think. In my first marriage I was more of a trophy than a partner. My only role in life was *his* wife. That is pretty much the only way he referred to me. In my second marriage *he* was the love of my life, but I wasn't his.

And so the search has led me to have feelings to which I had no right toward people who didn't return them. No rhyme or reason they just came out of the dark and found me. I've had to work for days to put those feelings into proper perspective.

Some love you get to keep. And some was never meant to begin with. It's kind of the sand trap of the heart when you're in your Teenage Years.

I Want This Kind of Passion in My Life

Tear You Apart She Wants Revenge lyrics
Artist: She Wants Revenge
Album: She Wants Revenge
Year: 2006
Title: Tear You Apart Print
Correct


Got a big plan, this mindset maybe its right
At the right place and right time, maybe tonight
And the whisper or handshake sending a sign
Wanna make out and kiss hard, wait nevermind

Late night, in passing, metioned it flip to her
bestfriend, it's no thing, maybe it slipped
but the slip turns to terror and the crush to like
when she walked in he froze up, leaves it to fright

Its cute in a way, till you cannot speak
And you leave to have a cigarette, knees get weak
An escape is just a nod and a casual wave
Obsessed about it, heavy for the next two days

It's only just a crush, it'll go away
It's just like all the others it'll go away
Or maybe this is danger and you just don't know
You pray it all away but it continues to grow

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breasts, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I want to fucking tear you apart

Then he walked up and told her, thinking maybe it'd passed

And they talked and looked away a lot, doing the dance
Her hand brushed up against his, she left it there
Told him how she felt and then they locked in a stare

They took a step back, thought about it, what should they do
Cause theres always repercussions when you're dating in school
But their lips met, and reservations started to pass
Whether this was just an evening or a thing that would last

Either way he wanted her and this was bad
He wanted to do things to her it was making him crazy
Now a little crush turned into a like
And now he wants to grab her by the hair and tell her

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breasts, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I want to fucking tear you apart

MTY's 24 Time to Leave the Nest

And so begins the next chapter in my story. I'm looking for a place to call my own. It will likely be a share rent but also the first time I've lived without a family member in my home. It's both scary and satisfying to look forward to.But a necessary step in my development.

I looked at a funky little room in Uptown yesterday. It's a Victorian in a neighborhood called The Wedge because it's a slice of the city between two major streets.

The house is in the midst of being remodeled but it is perfectly situated amongst all the things I want to do on any given time off -- coffee shops, restaurants, groceries, bars, bookstores etc.

Each room has it's own locked door and there's a shared bathroom and kitchen -- but no internet so I'd have to get that installed. The one drawback is that the woman in the next room seems to be deaf as her TV was clearly audible. I guess I can live with it for a while though.

The landlady is a young Viet Namese woman who is pretty liberal by today's standards. Overnight guests don't bother her as long as they don't stay over 14 days straight.

The other place I'm considering, for the same low price, has a tiny room but also a livingroom, laundry, cable and wireless BUT it's situated in a neighborhood that can best be described as lacking culture.

Which ever one I choose will be the next step on the road to becoming a fully realized adult. I've done it a lot quicker than most teens but that happens. I can't afford to and don't want to waste time growing up. But I am enjoying the ride.

Google Stands Up to the Feds

Google said Thursday it will fight an attempt by the Bush administration to force the company to turn over to the Justice Department information about what its users are searching for when they're on the Internet.
The world's largest online-search company intends to "resist the government's efforts vigorously," Google associate general counsel Nicole Wong said in an e-mailed statement.

Google issued the statement in response to a motion filed in a federal court in San Jose, Calif., Wednesday by U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. The motion seeks to compel Google to comply with a previously issued subpoena seeking extensive data regarding search results.

The attorney general's motion is part of a legal effort by the Bush administration to revive a 1998 law aimed at combating online child pornography. The government wants the information to build a case that the law -- struck down by the U.S. Supreme Court in 2004 -- is needed because pornography-filtering software isn't effective.

Other, unnamed search companies have turned over the requested material, according to a report by the San Jose Mercury News, but Google has refused. Rival search firm Yahoo Inc. didn't immediately respond to a request for comment.

Privacy advocates criticized the government's effort as a misguided and overly broad attempt to peer into the search results of U.S. citizens regardless of whether they've committed a crime.

"The place to control what is displayed on a home computer screen is in the home," said Jim Harper, director of information-policy studies at the Cato Institute, a Washington think tank. "It's up to parents -- not the government -- to control what kids see online," Harper said.

The Justice Department's original subpoena asked Google to produce an electronic file containing every query typed into the company's search engine between June 1 and July 31, 2005.

After what the government called "lengthy negotiations" with Google, it narrowed its request to a file containing "the text of each search string entered into Google's search engine over a one-week period." The requested file would not contain "any information identifying the person who entered such query," according to the Wednesday filing.

But Google remained adamant about not giving out information about its users or their search queries, given that it was not a party to the original lawsuit -- filed by the American Civil Liberties Union and others -- that led to the 1998 Child Online Protection Act's being struck down by the U.S. high court.

"Google is not a party to this lawsuit and [the] demand for information overreaches," Wong said in her statement.

The government is hoping that if it can prove that online pornography filtering software isn't working, it would bolster its legal argument that a new law is needed to protect children from online pornography.

In its decision affirming a lower-court ruling against the 1998 law, the Supreme Court said the government hadn't allowed enough time to pass to determine whether technology -- in the form of filtering software -- could accomplish what the law intended.




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