Revolutionary succulence

Our happy news!

BonnieMargay — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 21:21:37 GMT

It's official! Today the California Supreme Court denied the attempt to delay our marriage until after the November elections. We can finally be legally married in California on 17 June 2008. Because we have just two weeks left before the happy date, it will most likely be a small private ceremony with one or more celebrations to follow on dates that work for friends and family. Marriage proposal blog http://people.tribe.net/bonniemargay/blog/6dc86bac-9e5a-4902-92b3-ba047c2ba471 Marriage proposal caught on video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QKTJzbq3Aiw#GU5U2spHI_4 How you can help http://people.tribe.net/bonniemargay/blog/f4c2a3bc-743a-41db-89c7-949f9a19d376 The most meaningful way that you can support our love is to vow to vote no this November on the ballot initiative that would take away our constitutional right to marry forever. May we all be granted access to our happily ever after! Love, love, a lifetime of love, Bonnie

The best wedding present ever!

BonnieMargay — Thu, 29 May 2008 19:27:37 GMT

The recent California Supreme Court decision was a historic triumph for equality over bigotry, for inclusion over injustice. What we want more than anything else for our upcoming wedding is the right to have a marriage that lasts more than 173 days. Despite the recent California Supreme Court decision that denying same-sex couples the right to marry is unconstitutional, efforts are underway throughout the country to take away our rights. Proponents of bigotry and hate have paid millions of dollars to gather 1.1 million signatures in an attempt to invalidate the California Supreme Court decision. And they won't stop with California - extremists are even trying to add a same-sex marriage ban to the U.S. Constitution. We are at a turning point in our nation's history and I'm hoping you'll join me in standing up against discrimination. Please sign the Million for Marriage petition and get us one name closer to showing that Americans overwhelmingly support marriage equality! http://www.hrcactioncenter.org/actioncenter/advocacy/b_margay-137168 Every committed couple deserves to enjoy the privileges and responsibilities conferred by marriage. Add your name to the petition and be a part of the movement to fight for marriage equality for all. Let's gather more than 1.1 million signatures, and let's do it for love! Bless your beautiful heart! ♥

I received a marriage proposal in the Rachel Brice workshop today

BonnieMargay — Thu, 15 May 2008 23:21:27 GMT

Thirteen lucky minutes after Rachel Brice started her Tribal Fest workshop on Fundamentals of Isolations in the Upper Body this morning, I got a text message from my wife, one I was hoping for with all my heart: "Will you marry me? We won!!! I love you more than I've been waiting for this moment." Today, California's Supreme Court finally lifted the ban on same-sex marriage http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/05/15/BAGAVNC5K.DTL&tsp=1 It is only right that this happen here, where the precedent was set sixty years ago with the lifting of the ban on interracial marriage. What a beautiful blessing! When San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom said we could finally marry each other on Valentine's Day of 2004, we got up there as fast as we could to get hitched on 19 February. Here's my page of memories from that day http://members.cox.net/bonnie_margay/homepage.html You can thank Mayor Newsom for his courageous stance with one click right here http://act.credoaction.com/campaign/thanks_mayor_newsom/ Exactly six months later, we received the heartbreaking news that our San Francisco marriage had been declared null and void and our marriage license fees were refunded. (I have never been so sad to deposit a check. Money coming into your life is not always the same as prosperity.) I have been fighting and pushing as hard as I possibly can since then, along with thousands of other people who refuse to tolerate this discrimination against the queer community. You can support the organizations that have been working tirelessly towards this victory for equality by clicking through any of these links http://www.hrcactioncenter.org/actioncenter/advocacy/b_margay-137168 http://www.eqca.org/site/pp.asp?c=kuLRJ9MRKrH&b=4026385 http://gbge.aclu.org/ http://www.equalityforall.com/ One of the most important things you can possibly do to honor our upcoming union in California is to vote this November. People who hate us for loving each other have collected 1.1 million signatures in order to amend the California constitution to ban same-sex marriage again. We cannot just hope that won't happen, we have to get to the polls and vote our voices. Please urge everyone you know to vote in November, because there is much more than a presidency at stake. Voter apathy is absolutely unacceptable at this historic turning point. Today is the very first day of my life that I have been granted access to the same rights that the majority of California's citizens have enjoyed in their marriages. Today I finally count as fully human to the beautiful state of California, even if not to this country yet. We have a long way to go yet to gain our federal rights, but this is an exquisite moment right here and now! I am going to go completely bonkers until my wife gets up here to Sebastopol so I can kiss her and hold her and tell her I do! I do! a zillion times I do! Should we get married on the fifteenth anniversary of our first date in June (that would be the day this ruling takes effect)? Should we get married the week of Gay Pride? Should we get married on the full moon in August and let our trip to Costa Rica be our honeymoon? Oh my Goddess, we have a wedding to plan!

Heartsprings

BonnieMargay — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 21:57:43 GMT

"Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again." ~ Sarah Ban Breathnach Just in case you weren't sure, you are completely surrounded by miracles and blessings right this very moment! Cutest fur babies in the world: http://www.spaydayusa.org/winners08.shtml Happy Spring Equinox! Happy Full Moon! Happy Friday!

Protest is good for you!

BonnieMargay — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 09:02:19 GMT

"Protesting is not complaining, nor is it sending out negative messages. Pro means 'for,' 'in favor of.' Test means 'to speak,' as in testify and testimony. So, protest actually means 'to speak for.' Protest is a completely positive endeavor. "The media likes to portray peace, environment, and human and animal rights protesters as a fringe element of whining malcontents teetering on the margins of proper society. The truth is that those who step forward to speak their mind are happier and healthier folks than most." ~ excerpt ♥ Mama Donna Henes

A feast of Audre Lorde quotes for her birthday

BonnieMargay — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 22:13:35 GMT

When I dare to be powerful - to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid. Our visions begin with our desires. When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak. Your silence will not protect you. I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood. I am a bleak heroism of words that refuses to be buried alive with the liars. The sharing of joy, whether physical, emotional, psychic, or intellectual, forms a bridge between the sharers which can be the basis for understanding much of what is not shared between them, and lessens the threat of their difference. I do not want to be tolerated nor misnamed. I want to be recognized. It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences. Poetry is not only dream and vision; it is the skeleton architecture of our lives. It lays the foundations for a future of change, a bridge across our fears of what has never been before. The learning process is something you can incite, literally incite, like a riot.

I love you, Laura! ♥

BonnieMargay — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 09:47:12 GMT

"Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; re-made all the time, made new." ~ Ursula K. LeGuin I just fell in love all over again this week, while I watched my wife hand our dinner leftovers to two homeless men behind Rite Aid. She's just so kind and fearless, she had a genuine smile for them, respectfully asked if they would like some dinner, and then shook their hands with real eye contact while she found out that their names were Mark and Paul, and introduced herself in turn. She has no idea how beautiful she really is, or what a blessing she is to know. She is a lot like me in that she gives away her heart recklessly, passionately, in every direction, as much as possible, usually too much, probably too trustingly, no matter how many times she ends up getting hurt. Maybe we're both mental, because I sure don't see a lot of that around. What a different planet this would be if there were more of her to go around. What a joyful thing to manifest! My beautiful wife Laura fills my heart up so full, all the old cracks and dents and nicks get filled in and smoothed out better than ever. It's as if being loved by her makes up for every single crummy, unfair, ugly, painful thing I have ever known. She loves me so completely and well that most people can't begin to imagine how much we've survived to get here; they just see the glow of bliss. When the world is too much, she softens to make room for my discouragement. She knows the geography of pain just as intimately as I do, but she's so much more certain about finding her way, and she always seems to have a flashlight for the darkest places. Laura sees my stains and scars more clearly than anyone; she doesn't just tolerate or forgive them, she traces them with her heart like warrior marks and calls them beautiful. She invokes laughter so shameless it might not be legal in thirteen states or the District of Columbia. She can make me laugh so hard I fall helplessly in love again and again. Even now, on our fourteenth V-Day together, all she has to do is look in my eyes to see all the way through to my soul and make my heart pitter-pat like no one else on earth ever could. We figured out that the gifts we found for each other won't actually arrive in time for the holiday today, but they will be here in time for our San Francisco wedding anniversary on the nineteenth. The good news is that we don't need a special day to treat each other with reverence, loving kindness, and perfect gratitude. So even though I don't have a trinket in a heart-shaped box for you today, gorgeous wife, here's my whole heart, just for you. I love you more than there have ever been pieces of glitter times the number of pet hairs everywhere plus eight million to the power of 33.

Unexpected = blessing

BonnieMargay — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 22:35:45 GMT

The Guest House This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all Even if they're a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture. Still treat each guest honorably, He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond. ~ Jelaluddin Rumi, translation by Coleman Barks

Vote as many times as you can, grrls!

BonnieMargay — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 00:54:45 GMT

The poll workers were nice enough to give me extra "I Voted!" stickers (let me know if you need one). But none of them gave me a poll dance after I voted. ; P Off to laissez les bons temps rouler! Happy Mardi Gras!

Song to the Siren

BonnieMargay — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 10:01:09 GMT

Covered by Sheila Chandra on "Gifted: Women of the World" in a way that cracks my heart right open: (See the album here http://www.amazon.com/Gifted-Women-World-Various-Artists/dp/B00004YMUG/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=music&qid=1201825276&sr=8-1 ) Long afloat on shipless oceans I did all my best to smile ‘Til your singing eyes and fingers Drew me loving to your isle And you sang, “Sail to me, sail to me, let me enfold you: Here I am, here I am, waiting to hold you.” Did I dream you dreamed about me? Were you hare when I was fox? Now my foolish boat is leaning Broken lovelorn on your rocks, For you sing, “Touch me not, touch me not, Come back tomorrow: O my heart, O my heart shies at the sorrow.” I am puzzled as a newborn child I am riddled like the tides: Should I stand amid the breakers? Should I lie with death my bride? Hear me sing, “Swim to me, swim to me, let me enfold you: Here I am, here I am, waiting to hold you.”

Celebrate Martin Luther King's legacy by registering to vote

BonnieMargay — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 21:06:30 GMT

"If American women would increase their voting turnout by ten percent, I think we would see an end to all of the budget cuts in programs benefiting women and children." ~ Coretta Scott King If you have recently turned 18, moved, changed your name, or changed your political party affiliation, there is still time left to register to vote today. Your signed voter registration must be postmarked by 22 January 2008 in order for you to vote in the 5 February 2008 Presidential Primary. If you are in San Diego and don't know where to go to register, I can bring you the correct forms. Just think: a year from now, our new president will already have been sworn into office! More info on registration and voting here http://www.sos.ca.gov/elections/elections_vr.htm If you are already registered to vote and would like to be a part of the solution, why not be an online activist for a day? http://members.cox.net/bonnie_margay/

Shocking

BonnieMargay — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 22:44:47 GMT

"The best shortcut of all, Bonnie Margay, to the life of your dreams, is knowing that you've already arrived. Because you have." ~ Mike Dooley, Notes from the Universe, http://www.tut.com/ Motto for 2008 = Less shitty, more shimmy! Resolutions for 2008 = Start where I am; love myself exactly as I am; let go of should and what if and dive fully and shamelessly into now. Please congratulate my gorgeous lungs on seven years of tobacco freedom today! ; D

Plenty of the right ingredients!

BonnieMargay — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 09:04:29 GMT

"One must have chaos in oneself in order to give birth to a dancing star." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Pain, pain go away

BonnieMargay — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 21:07:36 GMT

"That some good can be derived from every event is a better proposition than that everything happens for the best, which it assuredly does not." ~ James Kern Feibleman, philosopher and psychiatrist In a world of radiant, magnificent, absolutely brilliant physical pain today. May we all find relief from suffering.

Just in case you don't think it matters who you vote for

BonnieMargay — Sat, 13 Oct 2007 02:38:17 GMT

http://www.eqca.org/site/apps/nl/content2.asp?c=9oINKWMCF&b=40337&ct=4514699 Statement by EQCA Executive Director Geoff Kors: "Today, Gov. Schwarzenegger refused to lift the cloud of discrimination that hangs over millions of Californians and their families. With the people of California increasingly in support of marriage for same-sex couples and the Legislature once again affirming fairness and equality, the governor stands alone in perpetuating discrimination against same-sex couples. With the stroke of his pen, he has denied countless loving couples the joy and validation he and the First Lady experienced when they got married. Equality California will not rest until we have achieved full equality for the entire lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community."

The value of friendship

BonnieMargay — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 08:35:45 GMT

"Oh the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are -- chaff and grain together -- certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with the breath of kindness blow the rest away." ~ George Eliot (pen name of Mary Ann Evans), novelist (1819-1880) There is absolutely nothing like being loved so much that you can be wrong, crabby, clumsy, crazy, bitchy, bloated, irritating, distracted, selfish, needy, clingy, cheesy, stinky, sweaty, shameless, naughty, or stuck in your ways in front of someone and feel safe doing it. I cannot even explain how profoundly grateful I am to be surrounded with friends who not only put up with my worst and celebrate my best, but love me all the way through the foulest of my moods and then surprise me with loving kindnesses as if I had never been a bear in the first place. A friend I have known since the first grade told me this week that it was time for her to reconsider our entire friendship because I wasn't there for her when she needed me this summer. She had wanted to visit for a whole week and play and have coffee and lounge and chat and catch up. But anyone who knows me at all knows that my only free time now is spent in a hot bath soaking after dance class, my social life is dance class and sometimes dinner afterwards. I work through the day and night and don't take any days off, not unless I am sick or broken. I am running a very busy company with the help of my wife, and I absolutely do not have the luxury of that kind of free time at this point in my life. I am so used to being surrounded by people who see me for who I am, that it really made me take a good look at myself when someone told me that I wasn't who they needed me to be. I decided first of all that I am alright with that. If I am not what you need, then I know you can find that somewhere else. I can only do my best, and if that isn't good enough for you, then maybe you are the one who needs to do some thinking. I just happen to find myself in the worst pangs of PMS at the same time that this friendship is dissolving, with my moods ranging from homicidal to blissful, from weepy to nesting. I feel grossly ugly and lumpy and smelly and clumsy and worthless, but no one else is put out by what I imagine is my worst. My friends in dance class tonight just stopped everything to hug me because I looked sad, pulled me outside to talk because I seemed down. None of them is going to tell me, even this week when I am just frantic to get out of my own skin to get away from myself, that I am just not what they need me to be. They just love me and want some of my love in return. So, it turns out that having someone tell me I'm not good enough was the best thing that could have happened to me while I was feeling this vulnerable and exhausted. Because it just doesn't ring true in any way for me, even though it was the mantra of my whole pathetic childhood. It really made me take a look at how much blatant loving kindness I am surrounded by today. And maybe that was really the extent of our connection, just that same shared broken childhood we had in common to look back on. I'm not interested in moping around about that any more. I am much too busy living my life as richly as I possibly can. What a blessing it is to continue moving forward with my creative dreams on my healing journey. And I thought those realizations were just as marvelous as things could get for a gal like me in a lifetime like this. But then I came home from my dance class, sore and stinky, but finally driving my beautiful car again after *seven* weeks of her getting her wicked purple paint job... and my wife had made broiled salmon with fresh herbs in a balsamic reduction, roasted potatoes with garlic and herbs, and a kale avocado feta tomato salad so good I wanted to roll around in it and moan. And then I sank into the hottest bath in the world with Kim's magic soak salts in it, and I am diving into a hot brownie with peanut butter ice cream and whipped cream on top to vanquish the worst of those PMS daemons. Now, I am off to my PMS blanket fort, with the box of French truffles my wife bought me simply because I am loved beyond measure. Again and again, I am opening to that resounding YES! from the universe, reminding me that this is indeed the way.

Ouch!

BonnieMargay — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 09:03:37 GMT

Had great dance classes on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. So completely enthralled by the brand new choreographies this week, and so exceptionally grateful for a stealth video of an impromptu solo on Friday. After all this time, I was given a chance to see how much I can relax into the bliss and flow when I get out of my own way, like I am finally becoming a real dancer. It has really changed my internal dialogue during class! Of course I signed up for five workshops at Arabesque coming up this weekend: two by Sabrina Fox, two by Mira Betz, and one by Kirti Srivastava. Why five workshops? Because the rest weren't tribal, or I would have signed up for more. But instead, I bent over wrong with my leg lifted to put on a pair of pants, so my pelvis went out today. Pain like a flash of lightning, so that I dropped everything on the floor, was stuck in an awful crouch of pain with my quads shaking like crazy and it was all I could do not to collapse. The pain was so intense I thought, "Oh, this is the part I am terrified of that is ever so much worse than death. This is the part where I can't even stand up or walk again, let alone dance another step..." Chiropractor didn't make much difference. Now I am working with muscle relaxers, anti-inflammatories, massage, heat, ice, and rest. Absolutely stunned by what a blessing good health is, and especially by how fleeting it is to be able-bodied enough to push myself through all of this dancing. I cannot suddenly not be a dancer, it is so awful to consider the loss of a creative dream. I am so powerfully in love with dancing, and so profoundly attached to this dancing life. I would love to magically bottle the essence of how happy it makes me, and give it away to everyone in the world. If they could only know for a day what it feels like to invest wholeheartedly in a creative dream journey, they would never go back to sleepwalking through life again. Nothing like my back going out to remind me how fragile and vulnerable I really am, and how little it matters that there is a mountain of work left to do. Amazing how completely pain can shift priorities for me, how everything else seems to fade until I can hardly believe just how many fast turns I whipped through this week without a second thought, how I stayed until almost midnight on Tuesday because the new choreographies just made me feel like I could burst with joy if I could only get them. My pain insists that was another person, another lifetime, just a dream. Taking my spine to bed now, for some well-deserved rest and recovery. Please send some healing love my way and do a nice deep forward bend for me until I can do one for myself again.

The Other Side Café

BonnieMargay — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 02:37:45 GMT

So grateful that I had no idea a camera was on me during a solo last Friday at Gypsy Night! This video was taken after the group performance when we were just messing around for fun: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNDqLUeSVvI I never even guessed I could've been busy panicking about a camera on me. (You can tell by the way I keep wandering around trying to find my zills after someone borrowed them.) If you'd like to join us next time, we do this on the first Friday of every month from 8 to 11 at the Other Side in North Park.

The darkness shows me

BonnieMargay — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 21:36:56 GMT

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." ~ Og Mandino

Dust off the wedding Melos!

BonnieMargay — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 21:27:22 GMT

Looks like my relentless political activism and daily letter writing might be making an actual difference in my lifetime! You can take action here: http://www.eqca.org/siteapps/advocacy/ActionCenter.aspx?c=9oINKWMCF&b=1022279 And here: http://www.lambdaletters.org/index.html And on my HRC page: http://www.hrcactioncenter.org/actioncenter/advocacy/b_margay-137168 Senate Judiciary Committee Approves Bill to End Exclusion of Same-Sex Couples from Marriage 10 July 2007 http://www.eqca.org/site/apps/nl/content2.asp?c=9oINKWMCF&b=40337&ct=4074825&tr=y&auid=2829994 SACRAMENTO – Senate lawmakers on Tuesday passed Assembly Bill 43, which would end the exclusion of same-sex couples from the respect, support, protections and responsibilities that come with marriage. The Senate Judiciary Committee approved the bill with a 3-1 vote. Authored by Assemblymember Mark Leno, D-San Francisco, and sponsored by Equality California, the Religious Freedom and Civil Marriage Protection Act would give same-sex couples the ability to marry. Although lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) couples are allowed to register as domestic partners in California, the exclusion of thousands of loving and committed couples from marriage is perpetuated by maintaining two separate and unequal institutions. “Marriage is universally recognized and respected around the world and for many people is one of life’s most significant milestones,” said EQCA Executive Director Geoff Kors. “Same-sex couples in California have lived with domestic partnerships for many years, but they continue to be treated differently than married spouses. LGBT Californians want the choice to marry so that we can live our lives with the same dignity and freedom that everyone deserves.” In 2005, the California Legislature became the first legislative body in the nation to approve a bill that would give same-sex couples the choice to marry. This year’s bill is all but identical to that landmark legislation and similarly protects religious freedom by reaffirming the right of religious institutions to choose whether or not they will solemnize marriages between same-sex couples. “I am buoyed by the support of my legislative colleagues who share the belief that denying anyone the basic human right to marry the person she or he loves is completely contrary to our cherished constitutional foundation that all people are equal in the eyes of the law,” said Assemblymember Leno. “I look forward to the day that all couples, regardless of their sexual orientation, are able to pursue their dreams and care for their children with full and legal protection.” AB 43 is co-authored by 28 Assemblymembers and 14 Senators, including Assembly Speaker Fabian Nunez and Sen. President Pro Tempore Don Perata. A broad coalition of more than 250 civil rights organizations and leaders support the measure, including the NAACP California State Conference, United Farm Workers, Mexican American Legal Defense and Educational Fund, Lambda Legal, Chinese for Affirmative Action, California Teachers Association, ACLU, California Nurses Association, Anti-Defamation League, California National Organization for Women, and California Church Impact and the National Center for Lesbian Rights. “While my public life revolves around my commitment to legal equality for the LGBT community as the director of the National Center for Lesbian Rights, the part of my life that is most important to me is the personal, being a partner of 14 years to Sandy Holmes and a parent to our 11-year-old son Julian and our 5-year-old daughter Ariana,” said Kate Kendall, executive director of NCLR. “It is my love, commitment and passion for my family that makes our fight for the right to marry so important and meaningful. This fight is not just about rights and fairness. It is about respect and dignity.” "EQCA appreciates the support of Senators Ellen Corbett, Sheila Kuehl and Darrell Steinberg, who cast an 'aye' vote for fairness and equality today," said Kors. The Assembly passed AB 43 on June 5 with a 42-34 vote. Once it passes policy committees in the Senate, the bill will go to a vote on the Senate floor.

The universe winking at me

BonnieMargay — Tue, 26 Jun 2007 11:32:48 GMT

I woke up so sad today, grouchy that I scraped the side of my brand new car last night on a big truck that was parked in a weird spot on the street by the gas station. I was trying to hurry because I was late to Sashi's class, but a car was coming towards me really fast, so I over corrected and scraped my pretty new car. I keep telling myself it was the universe saying, "Yes, you really do need a purple paint job on your brand new car after all." But I still woke up so gloomy today. I checked my emails and there was so much work to do I didn't even know how to get started. I was in one of those frantic spaces where I run around trying to do so much that I end up not getting much of anything done, and just feeling frazzled, and damn it was so hot, and I hate trying to get dressed when I am already sweating just sitting around. And I feel so frustrated about my poor car, like I just can't have nice things. My honey came home from the post office box with a care package from one of my favorite pants goddesses in Wisconsin. She sent me a purple love note, a sweet mixture of my favorite essential oils that she blended and then sealed with purple wax, a super squishy butterfly pen, and an astonishing gypsy goddess doll. It all made me weep with gratitude. There is nothing like unabashed loving kindness coming at me by surprise to solidify my faith again. I am so incredibly blessed. Laura insisted on a sushi date after work, which was weird for me because I am so used to working as hard as I possibly can right up to the last possible moment and then rushing to class. So we actually made it to happy hour at our favorite sushi bar for once, and we talked about stuff that wasn't work, and we just looked into each other's eyes and writhed in the ecstasy of perfect salmon belly sashimi in a happy abundance of wasabi. I found good parking for my poor scraped car, and while I was at it, found gratitude that I have one to scrape. I met a dancer who is in town for a bit so she could buy some pants. I was just thinking it would be my usual pants deal. Hi, I have pants. Oh, thanks, I have money. But no, she lit up with joy just to meet me and wanted to give me a hug and some love and was so genuinely sad she couldn't stay for our dance class. What a blessing that is for me, again and again, to get so much love from people who live across the country and around the world. I am so blessed. My sweet Sarah was back in dance class, I got to dance with her for the second night in a row after missing her so much while she has been working so hard in school. And then we were magically paired up in a duet and I am almost crying because I get to look right into her gorgeous eyes while we dance together, and I am so in love with my beautiful Sarah. But we just can't get the moves right and it is so funny how much compassion I feel for both of us, because we are trying so hard and moving so much, but can't figure out who is doing what wrong and what needs to change. It is just the story of every relationship ever, and the awkward floundering we find ourselves in everywhere, all the time, in every conflict. But it was so easy for Steven to see from his perspective in the front, because he wasn't in the momentum of it; so he just walked over and gently showed us the direction we were going and the way we should go instead. And then it worked, just like that. It was so lovely to have that chance to mess up, to try again, to do it wrong, to try again, to finally have the satisfaction of doing it right; it was so good just to try, so delicious to be surrounded by my friends while I dance. It just doesn't even matter what I don't know or where I mess up, I am so deeply happy to try and try and try again. Something was so different tonight about the way Sabrina described spot turns. I really felt the difference in how grounded and centered I was after the balancing exercise. I finally felt so much clarity about the dynamics. I was so happy in that moment of spiraling bliss. I looked in the mirror and felt like I could be a dancer and not just a sweaty oaf. I keep joking that zills are my kryptonite, that I cannot dance when I zill or zill when I dance. But we keep drilling it again and again and it is finally happening, it is sinking in just like the spot turns I never thought I could have. We stood around outside after class to chat before driving away, and a total loon walked up and started playing guitar and singing to us. He really wanted to make it clear to everyone that I was beautiful. He just had to yell about it. I have a hard time looking crazy people in the eye because I am afraid that I am crazy, and this situation felt so surreal to me because I am surrounded by the most beautiful women ever, totally poised and flawless dancers, breathtakingly supermodel pretty, just everything I've always been certain that I am not, and this nut is trying to convince *them* that I am outrageously beautiful. He is going to yell about it until they understand. Sabrina is just laughing and nodding in agreement, because it is so weird but she agrees with him, and I am dismissing him entirely because he is a total nutjob. Sometimes the universe smacks you around a little when you just won't listen. I came home late, but my lovely Laura still stays up to watch a movie with me. I am so thrilled that they made Mistress of Spices into a movie because the book just made me ache with all of its poetry and magic. It was so nourishing for my heart. I really felt all the way turned around from the yucky place I was in when I woke up. I am so grateful to have a marriage that we are making work, so blessed to have the love of a lifetime to share sweet love stories like that with. I tuck Laura in before my super hot bath, and she asks if I saw the thread where everyone was talking about me in that beautiful belly dance tribe. I'm thinking that I made a customer really happy or that Laura is just starting some mischief online. But then she smiles her gentle smile and asks me to check my email because other people are really just randomly sending me loving from every direction and she wanted me to have a chance to take it in. So I found it here http://tribes.tribe.net/bellylove/thread/f0ce40bc-5b58-4947-a28f-da8358291139 and it just knocked me right the hell off of my pity pot, all the way into perfect gratitude. Thank you so much for all of your love. It means the world to me.

Never giving up

BonnieMargay — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 07:11:06 GMT

"What you can do matters much more than what you can't. Focus on getting through the mess or if it's not going away, find a way to joyfully persevere. Your greatness will never be measured by wealth or position but by what it takes to make you quit. That's why you must never, ever give up. No matter what." ~ Mary Hunt

Shopping

BonnieMargay — Thu, 05 Apr 2007 10:55:05 GMT

My truck started going clunk last month after I took my foot off of the brake pedal. I thought it was another easy repair, but it turns out that the steering is detaching from the vehicle and my poor beat up 1987 Toyota truck needs $1500 in repairs just to start. It is high time to let her go and buy a new car for the first time in my life. My mechanic is even selling it for me. I thought I wanted a 2008 Smart For Two, but Consumer Reports says that they haven't experienced a lousier car in many years. I am so glad I didn't wait! After renting a Prius for a week, I am *really* loving this car. The best part was driving past all the gas stations and only using two gallons of gas in a whole week with all of the driving I did. Yay! Pretty fun to use the carpool lanes whenever I want, too. It feels a lot like driving a computer or a space ship instead of a car. I was really dreading the idea of sales pressure and number manipulation and not knowing how to use my uber bargain shopping skills for a car, all on top of really needing a way to get around from work to dance class and home again. But, I have contacted over a dozen Toyota dealers in town to request the best deal possible, and have already been offered as low as just $370 over invoice on the first round! I just forwarded that number to all of them to ask if they could beat it. (And I bet someone can.) Turns out that I really like shopping for a car after all! Since it's my first new vehicle, I am even pondering a personalized license plate. Ooooh, the possibilities! : )

My love ♥

BonnieMargay — Tue, 13 Mar 2007 08:12:30 GMT

Things I appreciate about Laura: ~ Love notes and beautiful cards ~ French toast with fresh fruit and yoghurt ~ Kisses during sheet and blanket folding ~ Enthusiasm for running errands with me ~ Freshly brewed coffee each morning ~ Kisses on my back ~ Vivid stories about tiny birds and kitties ~ Passionate love of animals ~ Kisses on the back of my neck ~ Extraordinary progress managing temper ~ Opening doors for me, holding my coat ~ Naughty text messages and voicemails ~ Delighted by my pleasure and laughter ~ Active participation in belly dance events ~ How she runs her fingers over my skin ~ The way she breathes in my scent so deeply ~ Holding hands whenever we walk together ~ Appreciation of tiny adventures ~ Willingness to tolerate my crazy schedule ~ Enthusiasm for connecting with me ~ Generous lovemaking to match my appetites ~ Adjusting my wonky ribhead for me ~ Encouraging me to practice better self-care ~ Brushing her hands over my feet ~ Going to meditation classes ~ Sharing movies, books, music, desserts, kisses ~ Helping me with work at Melodia's

Creative journey

BonnieMargay — Thu, 08 Feb 2007 09:39:56 GMT

"The future is not some place we are going, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made. And the activity of making them changes both the maker and their destination." ~ John Schaar Today I moved forward on my creative journey by opening up to the wisdom my dear friend was able to give me from her vantage point. When I thanked her for all that she had sacrificed to get that wisdom, her whole soul lifted up and tears welled up in her gorgeous eyes. From here we can both see that she did the right thing, no matter how much she struggles with what might have been. We all wish for the perfect clarity of hindsight when we struggle with difficult choices, and it is so easy to ignore the hard-earned wisdom of the enlightened spirits all around us. Today I chose consciously to bathe in her words, to really let myself soak up what it means to have a trusted friend who has been down this road before. I am so profoundly grateful for the women in my life today. They carry me so lovingly when I cannot bear the weight any more. My heart is filled to bursting with gratitude. When I count my blessings, I find that I am wealthy beyond measure.