It seems like so much time has passed. I wish I could just slow down. So much has happened, so much has changed. I've started Spring semester, and did well the semester before. This semester, I am still jobless and searching for new housing, as well as trying to get FAFSA filled out. I'm taking a class with my brother this semester. I really want to help him out of his shell, help him experience life. For a long time I asked myself... Why, out of all my family members, do I feel most compelled to help my brother? And then the answer came to me. He's the only one I CAN help. My father's issues are not going away, and I'm still going to try to be there for him and help him be at least somewhat better. But he's never going to get completely better. And as for my mother... Things are just too far gone in that realm. My mother told me to stop worrying about helping my brother. I was a little annoyed at her for that. Why shouldn't I try to help him? Sure, he needs baby steps. But of the two of us, I am definitely the more social one, and the more life-experienced. He needs someone to help him out of this crevice he's gotten stuck in. I feel bad for being so nearby my father, and not visiting him more often. But really, things are always so hectic and crazy. There's never any free time. Largely on account of my mother. Our original agreement was that I would take only two classes the first semester, and come back to Oakdale for four days a week. And if I did well (which I did), I could move out to San Francisco full-time, and take on more courses. She has since reneged on that. Over the last six months or so, our relationship has slowly disintegrated. At first, it was simple little arguments, which happen between any mother and daughter. But it slowly got worse. More selfish and unreasonable, more blame being thrown around. Shortly after Christmas, things hit their ultimate low point. She was mad at me because I was "abandoning" her for college and San Francisco, claiming that I didn't love her, and that it was selfish of me not to stay in Oakdale. I responded that I didn't think it was fair for her to be angry at me for moving a hundred miles to go to college, when she had move three thousand to go to medical school, leaving behind two children. To which she looked at me as if I'd said something absurd, and said, "I didn't abandon you. You abandoned me. You broke MY heart because you didn't come with me." For a minute, I was so stunned, that I didn't know what to say, and then I told her that I thought it was unreasonable to blame your ten-year-old daughter for not following you to Detroit. She told me that all I ever think about is myself, and she started ranting, yelling at me. I told her that we weren't solving anything, and that we should just stop and cool off. To which she said that I never spend any time with her, I never talk to her, and I don't love her. She told me we weren't having an argument, that it was a discussion. I tried to leave the room, because at this point, it was obvious that she wasn't being sane enough to just drop it. At which point, she grabs my cat and shoves him into the cat carrier. I scream at her, asking what the hell she's doing. She said that since I'm never there, what's the point of me having a cat? She tried to take him away, but I stopped her; and let a terrified Gandalf out of the carrier. Since then, she has maintained that she will no longer feed my cat while I am in SF at college. Our relationship was already on the rocks before that, but at that point, my heart and my brain told me that it was undeniably over. I know that I've reached the point where, for now, I've just got to cut her out of my life. And that's what I intend to do, as soon as I can find a safe temporary place for my cat. I love my mother so much. And I really want things to work. I really want to be able to be close to her, but right now that's not a realistic goal, or a healthy one to pursue. It just feels like no matter what I do, she will never accept that despite my love for her, this is what I need to do. I know she's been under tremendous amounts of stress, and that she's been dealing with depression for a while now... And I have sympathy for her, but that doesn't forgive her actions. I don't know how I'm going to manage, but it's time to take that step. As far as Jim and I go... We've been arguing a fair bit lately. He tells me how much I mean to him, how much he loves me. And I find myself falling for him, without having any power to stop it, without really knowing why this is happening. How can I love a thirty-one-year-old man with bipolar disorder who is a nymphomaniac obsessed with the goal of getting married and having kids? I don't know. Everything's gotten so complicated and emotional. I'm looking for a good psychiatrist, because my mood has now gotten to the point where I realized that I seriously need medication. I hate the idea of it, but I need something to keep me stable. I don't self-harm anymore, but thoughts of cutting and suicide are always in my mind. I'm not really afraid that I'd ever go through with suicide, but having the idea in your head all the time is unhealthy enough as it is. I want so badly to just be normal, at least in that respect. If I were happier, maybe more people would like me, maybe men wouldn't leave me, maybe I'd actually be able to get out of bed and get a job, and excel further in school. I want productivity, I want self-esteem. I want to bury myself in work and knowledge. I want to know everything, to be able to do anything, and what's more, to be able to BELIEVE that I can do anything.