I had a discussion tonight with Geoff concerning the fact that I seem to have fallen in love with him. I asked him what his response was, and thus follwed a very heart-breaking silence. He told me that it would complicate things. That he was afraid of getting hurt. That my feelings meant he was just one step closer to pushing me away. He asked me why I thought the gap between his two longest lasting relationships was so long. And in my head, I thought: "Because you never loved anyone after Sam. You still love her." Not once did he try to redeem himself, or make any attempt at explaining himself or making me feel better. I don't understand how the fact that I have feelings for him could possibly "complicate things". Isn't that the point of having a relationship? Finding someone who you love, who you care about? There was so much silence tonight. It makes me want to weep. We drove around for a short time, again in that awful, depressing silence. He parked not far from my house. Silence again. I couldn't say anything. I got out of the car without a word, and started walking. He ran to catch up with me, a pace behind me at my side. Silence. And then he said, "I'm a coward, ok? I'm afraid. I admit it." And that was it. I didn't see him leave. His footsteps just stopped following me, and when I turned around... He was simply gone. And that was it. He doesn't love me. Maybe he doesn't even care about me at all. Maybe he's only dating me because I was there. Because I was available, and naive enough to let myself fall in love. I feel fat, and ugly. I feel ordinary, and unimportant. My mother once told me never to fall in love. She had tears streaming down her face. There was so much pain there. I see it more and more, and I blame myself. I feel as though I am the reason that my parents are depressed. When I left, Roger got alot better. And he's doing well now. He got a job for the first time in longer than I can remember. He smiles now. He laughs. My mother used to be such a proud, strong, respectable woman. I broke her. I hate it. I need someone to hold me, but I feel as though I don't deserve it. I was so worried about moving away. I was worried that Geoff would lose interest. I was worried that he would miss me, or that he'd be paranoid or jealous about me living with Jim. But he can't lose interest in me if he never had any interest to begin with. I feel so violently angry and nauseous. I feel bitter and spiteful. I want to hurt him. I want him to understand what he's made me feel. I want him to feel something, some semblance or regret or guilt for hurting me in this way.