In the past few months, my dislike of men in general has been growing steadily. For a while now I've been thinking to myself that I'd end up a man-hating embittered lesbian. And I think I might have reached that point. There are very few men that don't bother or disgust me now. Often times when I see men I don't know, I am filled with irritation, anger, and disgust. For now, I am done with men. I just don't have any attraction to men in general anymore-- Although there are definitely males who company I enjoy, or consider attractive. But the idea of men bothers and angers me now. Sex is entirely too important and complicated. It causes too many problems in my life. It branches out and touches everything else in life. Everything is in some way, sexual. And it truly bothers me. I want to believe that I am beautiful, and be able to appear that way to the world-- Without being cat-called or hit on, or followed home. I'm tired of those things happening. It's now just frustrating. It makes me feel dirty. I've got a number of compliments while still in my work uniform. Wearing no makeup with messed up hair, a work uniform, smelling faintly of tacos. And men still think I'm gorgeous. I don't understand it, and I certainly do not welcome it. Beauty should not matter this much. A very large part of me wishes that I was average-looking, or even ugly. I feel dirty, objectified, unimportant every time I get that kind of attention from men. But if I woman compliments my appearance, it makes me content and confident. I don't know why body image has been such a problem for me, or why it continues to be such an issue. I don't know how to solve this issue, or even if it can be solved. I am currently battling with a dilemma. If I eat a little less, and excersize a little more, I'll look better, and if I look better, I'll feel better. Right? But I have this fear that if I do that, I'll only end up making things worse. That I'll end up pushing myself too hard, too far. And just losing it completely. I count calories, hours, and pounds too much as it is. But I don't want it to get any worse. I feel like it's a gamble. I spend a ridiculous amount of money on trying to make myself beautiful. I now own more makeup than I ever thought I would. I find myself buying things to take away the dark circles, the little scars on my face as though it'll improve my quality of life. And then I find myself thinking that maybe it will improve my quality of life. But then I tell myself that that's insane and wrong. And that it shouldn't be that way. I find myself craving a corset. They fascinate me. They make me something I'm not. Curvy, tiny, beautiful. Why do I need to be those things? I don't. I don't need it. I never want to have to tell myself to just not eat for one more day, then another, then another. I don't want that life for myself. I want to find a little bit of sanity, of stability. Why does that prove to be so hard to come by?