My Blog

Counterclockwise

bonzaikitty — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 02:07:32 GMT

It seems like so much time has passed. I wish I could just slow down. So much has happened, so much has changed. I've started Spring semester, and did well the semester before. This semester, I am still jobless and searching for new housing, as well as trying to get FAFSA filled out. I'm taking a class with my brother this semester. I really want to help him out of his shell, help him experience life. For a long time I asked myself... Why, out of all my family members, do I feel most compelled to help my brother? And then the answer came to me. He's the only one I CAN help. My father's issues are not going away, and I'm still going to try to be there for him and help him be at least somewhat better. But he's never going to get completely better. And as for my mother... Things are just too far gone in that realm. My mother told me to stop worrying about helping my brother. I was a little annoyed at her for that. Why shouldn't I try to help him? Sure, he needs baby steps. But of the two of us, I am definitely the more social one, and the more life-experienced. He needs someone to help him out of this crevice he's gotten stuck in. I feel bad for being so nearby my father, and not visiting him more often. But really, things are always so hectic and crazy. There's never any free time. Largely on account of my mother. Our original agreement was that I would take only two classes the first semester, and come back to Oakdale for four days a week. And if I did well (which I did), I could move out to San Francisco full-time, and take on more courses. She has since reneged on that. Over the last six months or so, our relationship has slowly disintegrated. At first, it was simple little arguments, which happen between any mother and daughter. But it slowly got worse. More selfish and unreasonable, more blame being thrown around. Shortly after Christmas, things hit their ultimate low point. She was mad at me because I was "abandoning" her for college and San Francisco, claiming that I didn't love her, and that it was selfish of me not to stay in Oakdale. I responded that I didn't think it was fair for her to be angry at me for moving a hundred miles to go to college, when she had move three thousand to go to medical school, leaving behind two children. To which she looked at me as if I'd said something absurd, and said, "I didn't abandon you. You abandoned me. You broke MY heart because you didn't come with me." For a minute, I was so stunned, that I didn't know what to say, and then I told her that I thought it was unreasonable to blame your ten-year-old daughter for not following you to Detroit. She told me that all I ever think about is myself, and she started ranting, yelling at me. I told her that we weren't solving anything, and that we should just stop and cool off. To which she said that I never spend any time with her, I never talk to her, and I don't love her. She told me we weren't having an argument, that it was a discussion. I tried to leave the room, because at this point, it was obvious that she wasn't being sane enough to just drop it. At which point, she grabs my cat and shoves him into the cat carrier. I scream at her, asking what the hell she's doing. She said that since I'm never there, what's the point of me having a cat? She tried to take him away, but I stopped her; and let a terrified Gandalf out of the carrier. Since then, she has maintained that she will no longer feed my cat while I am in SF at college. Our relationship was already on the rocks before that, but at that point, my heart and my brain told me that it was undeniably over. I know that I've reached the point where, for now, I've just got to cut her out of my life. And that's what I intend to do, as soon as I can find a safe temporary place for my cat. I love my mother so much. And I really want things to work. I really want to be able to be close to her, but right now that's not a realistic goal, or a healthy one to pursue. It just feels like no matter what I do, she will never accept that despite my love for her, this is what I need to do. I know she's been under tremendous amounts of stress, and that she's been dealing with depression for a while now... And I have sympathy for her, but that doesn't forgive her actions. I don't know how I'm going to manage, but it's time to take that step. As far as Jim and I go... We've been arguing a fair bit lately. He tells me how much I mean to him, how much he loves me. And I find myself falling for him, without having any power to stop it, without really knowing why this is happening. How can I love a thirty-one-year-old man with bipolar disorder who is a nymphomaniac obsessed with the goal of getting married and having kids? I don't know. Everything's gotten so complicated and emotional. I'm looking for a good psychiatrist, because my mood has now gotten to the point where I realized that I seriously need medication. I hate the idea of it, but I need something to keep me stable. I don't self-harm anymore, but thoughts of cutting and suicide are always in my mind. I'm not really afraid that I'd ever go through with suicide, but having the idea in your head all the time is unhealthy enough as it is. I want so badly to just be normal, at least in that respect. If I were happier, maybe more people would like me, maybe men wouldn't leave me, maybe I'd actually be able to get out of bed and get a job, and excel further in school. I want productivity, I want self-esteem. I want to bury myself in work and knowledge. I want to know everything, to be able to do anything, and what's more, to be able to BELIEVE that I can do anything.

Stolen from Isaac.

bonzaikitty — Sun, 19 Aug 2007 02:44:44 GMT

10 Real Random Facts About You 1. I want nipple piercings because I personally want to feel that I look good-- Not because I want other people to think so, or for sexual pleasure. 2. I want to teach my brother about all things sexual, in a purely informative manner; because I feel he is a good person... And just needs a little help catching up with the rest of us. 3. I sometimes miss living in Michigan. 4. Nothing makes me happier than distributing free condoms to friends, and to strangers. 5. I have an addictive personality. 6. When I fall in love, things end badly. 7. I like being "the freak", "the weirdo", "the outcast". Because it feels right. 8. There are three different languages on my body. 9. I despise looking younger than I am. 10. I struggle with body image issues. 9 WAYS TO WIN MY HEART 1. Be honest with me. 2. Don't be afraid to hold me, or to look into my eyes. 3. Introduce me to new people, activities, interests. 4. Trust me. 5. Accept all of who I am. 6. Listen to me. 7. Take initiative to approach me, but know when to back off. 8. Let me see your emotions. Nothing touches my heart more than seeing someone else's emotions, and the fact that they allowed me to see those emotions. 9. Admit when you're afraid, when you're lonely, when you're in love. 8 THINGS I CARRY/WEAR EVERYDAY 1. My addictions. 2. My cell phone. 3. My keyring. 4. My leather-bound journal. 5. A nearly-always empty wallet. 6. Isaac's necklace. 7. David's senior photo. 8. Copious amounts of make-up. 7 THINGS THAT ANNOY ME 1. Arrogance. 2. Apathy. 3. Lack of determination. 4. Excessive amounts of self-degradation. 5. Attention-whores. 6. Overly defensive religious people. 7. Show-offs. 6 STATES I'VE VISITED 1. Michigan. 2. Utah. 3. Illinois. 4. Nevada. 5. Arizona. 6. South Carolina. 5 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE 1. Be truly happy, if only for a moment. 2. Be content with who I am. 3. Have a moment of clarity. 4. Make a difference in someone's life. 5. Do something positive to be remembered by. 4 THINGS I'M AFRAID OF 1. Being alone. 2. Sleeping, in certain places. 3. Being violated. 4. Being judged. 5. Being unimportant, boring. 4. Failing myself. 3 THINGS I DO EVERYDAY 1. Question myself. 2. Daydream. 3. Worry. 2 THINGS I'M TRYING NOT TO DO NOW 1. Cry. 2. Give up on love. 1 PERSON I WANT TO SEE NOW 1. That's a hard one to answer. I want to see Geoff. I want to see Kieran. But I also deeply desire to see Isaac. ________________________________________ The last song I listened to was: "Hold Me" by Weezer-- On repeat for many hours. If I were to get married right now my best man/woman would be: Isaac, or Kieran-- For best man; or Shalyn; for best woman. By this time next year: Much will have changed. I have a hard time understanding: Myself. If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: Myself. I'd have to reassure myself that it was a reality. Take my advice: Never try to stop feeling. It hurts sometimes, but without it, you are not fully alive. Most recent thing I've bought myself: Food. Most recent thing someone else bought me: Sushi. My favorite hair style is: Short, and oddly colored. My middle name is: Elizabeth. In the morning: I worry about my appearances. Last night I was: Ridiculously depressed. A better name for me would be: A name that is yet undiscovered. Tomorrow I am: Repaying my debt to society. Tonight I am: Wondering if Geoff is going to show up. My favorite color(s) is/are: Teal; and varying shades of blue and green. My heart is: Changing.

Regression.

bonzaikitty — Sat, 21 Jul 2007 07:06:01 GMT

I had a discussion tonight with Geoff concerning the fact that I seem to have fallen in love with him. I asked him what his response was, and thus follwed a very heart-breaking silence. He told me that it would complicate things. That he was afraid of getting hurt. That my feelings meant he was just one step closer to pushing me away. He asked me why I thought the gap between his two longest lasting relationships was so long. And in my head, I thought: "Because you never loved anyone after Sam. You still love her." Not once did he try to redeem himself, or make any attempt at explaining himself or making me feel better. I don't understand how the fact that I have feelings for him could possibly "complicate things". Isn't that the point of having a relationship? Finding someone who you love, who you care about? There was so much silence tonight. It makes me want to weep. We drove around for a short time, again in that awful, depressing silence. He parked not far from my house. Silence again. I couldn't say anything. I got out of the car without a word, and started walking. He ran to catch up with me, a pace behind me at my side. Silence. And then he said, "I'm a coward, ok? I'm afraid. I admit it." And that was it. I didn't see him leave. His footsteps just stopped following me, and when I turned around... He was simply gone. And that was it. He doesn't love me. Maybe he doesn't even care about me at all. Maybe he's only dating me because I was there. Because I was available, and naive enough to let myself fall in love. I feel fat, and ugly. I feel ordinary, and unimportant. My mother once told me never to fall in love. She had tears streaming down her face. There was so much pain there. I see it more and more, and I blame myself. I feel as though I am the reason that my parents are depressed. When I left, Roger got alot better. And he's doing well now. He got a job for the first time in longer than I can remember. He smiles now. He laughs. My mother used to be such a proud, strong, respectable woman. I broke her. I hate it. I need someone to hold me, but I feel as though I don't deserve it. I was so worried about moving away. I was worried that Geoff would lose interest. I was worried that he would miss me, or that he'd be paranoid or jealous about me living with Jim. But he can't lose interest in me if he never had any interest to begin with. I feel so violently angry and nauseous. I feel bitter and spiteful. I want to hurt him. I want him to understand what he's made me feel. I want him to feel something, some semblance or regret or guilt for hurting me in this way.

Human companionship.

bonzaikitty — Sun, 15 Apr 2007 07:08:30 GMT

Obviously, a blog must be written about last night. Here goes. Last night, I was talking to a friend of mine via text message-- Because they were supposed to come over to my house. They were at a local concert not far from my house, so I joined them. It was nice to get out of my house and see so many people I recognized, so many of my friends. The music was surprisingly awesome as well. The guys from the band were both attractive and interesting people. Shortly before midnight, the concert broke up and everyone went their seperate ways. Two of my friends and I wandered to one of their houses, where we quickly got bored and went to my house instead. They call up Shalyn and convince her to get her ass down to my house, and we all just hang out... For a while. Then the friend of mine who was originally coming over to my house anyways goes to fall asleep in my closet. And I decide I should probably go to sleep as well, seeing as I have to be at work by 11 am. So, I end up joining him. And gradually, things get out of hand. But I suppose that if you have two deprived people in the same sleeping-area, it's not too surprising. But anyways, after all this had happened, I was lying in my closet. And I could very faintly hear the three of them talking in the living room. And I could tell they were talking about me. But I couldn't hear exactly what they were saying. But they were talking about me, in my living room. I felt so unbelieveably stupid and hurt and useless. In that moment, I honestly think that if I'd had access to a razorblade-- I might have used it. I just laid there and listened and let my heart ache. I felt like I could never face any of them again, like they didn't respect me. I was just a subject of discussion. Nothing more. I felt so many horrible ripping sensations at once, and I wondered how I would get up in the morning and see them, talk to them... Before I went to work. Somehow, I eventually fell asleep. And he never came back. My alarm was set. But when I wake up, it's 1pm. And my alarm is switched to 'off'. Which means that one of my friends turned it off, and didn't wake me up-- Fully knowing I had to go to work. All three of them were just gone. Gone. And somehow, that made me feel worse. I just sat there and thought to myself that I had fucked things up. That I'm going to be fired. I don't know what to do or say. I'm afraid of losing my friends, and my job. Of losing my sanity.

Corsets and television.

bonzaikitty — Fri, 06 Apr 2007 08:13:21 GMT

In the past few months, my dislike of men in general has been growing steadily. For a while now I've been thinking to myself that I'd end up a man-hating embittered lesbian. And I think I might have reached that point. There are very few men that don't bother or disgust me now. Often times when I see men I don't know, I am filled with irritation, anger, and disgust. For now, I am done with men. I just don't have any attraction to men in general anymore-- Although there are definitely males who company I enjoy, or consider attractive. But the idea of men bothers and angers me now. Sex is entirely too important and complicated. It causes too many problems in my life. It branches out and touches everything else in life. Everything is in some way, sexual. And it truly bothers me. I want to believe that I am beautiful, and be able to appear that way to the world-- Without being cat-called or hit on, or followed home. I'm tired of those things happening. It's now just frustrating. It makes me feel dirty. I've got a number of compliments while still in my work uniform. Wearing no makeup with messed up hair, a work uniform, smelling faintly of tacos. And men still think I'm gorgeous. I don't understand it, and I certainly do not welcome it. Beauty should not matter this much. A very large part of me wishes that I was average-looking, or even ugly. I feel dirty, objectified, unimportant every time I get that kind of attention from men. But if I woman compliments my appearance, it makes me content and confident. I don't know why body image has been such a problem for me, or why it continues to be such an issue. I don't know how to solve this issue, or even if it can be solved. I am currently battling with a dilemma. If I eat a little less, and excersize a little more, I'll look better, and if I look better, I'll feel better. Right? But I have this fear that if I do that, I'll only end up making things worse. That I'll end up pushing myself too hard, too far. And just losing it completely. I count calories, hours, and pounds too much as it is. But I don't want it to get any worse. I feel like it's a gamble. I spend a ridiculous amount of money on trying to make myself beautiful. I now own more makeup than I ever thought I would. I find myself buying things to take away the dark circles, the little scars on my face as though it'll improve my quality of life. And then I find myself thinking that maybe it will improve my quality of life. But then I tell myself that that's insane and wrong. And that it shouldn't be that way. I find myself craving a corset. They fascinate me. They make me something I'm not. Curvy, tiny, beautiful. Why do I need to be those things? I don't. I don't need it. I never want to have to tell myself to just not eat for one more day, then another, then another. I don't want that life for myself. I want to find a little bit of sanity, of stability. Why does that prove to be so hard to come by?