art and questions
conflict
Thu, April 10, 2008 - 12:20 PM
breakups, riots, war terrorism
or deeper understanding, compromise and team work
In your opinion what is the healthiest way to deal with conflict
what has worked or not work for you
what tools have you found useful
Thu, April 10, 2008 - 12:20 PM -
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33 Comments
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Thu, April 10, 2008 - 12:41 PM
Change is inevitable. Conflicts arise because change is needed. Sometimes, all that's needed is the understanding of that need for the circumstances to evolve and embrace those changes. Sometimes it's standing up for your right or what is right against an establishment or just an oppressive co-dependent. Sometimes the needed change can be getting the hell out of there.
I look at the future. I look at where "this" is going, where it's going to end and whether I'm okay with that or not. I visualize where I will be if I do nothing and where I can be if I take action. And then do what's right for me. It's not easy. I fail quite often because it is far too easier to lose the bigger picture and get caught in the heat of the moment. |
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Thu, April 10, 2008 - 12:43 PM
Oh man, this really resonates with me right now. I'm going through a separation after 12 years...lots of life changes, and new love, and deeper understandings of what I want vs. what I need in my life to be healthier and happier. Compromise...at times, team work ...YES!
My best tool has been to become the observer. As we go through these changes and rely on friends to be our sounding boards, ultimately it's our decisions, our choices, our feelings that will reign. If I can step outside of myself for just a moment and become the observer/the sounding board to my own life, I find it easier to connect with and have a dialog with my inner self. It helps me to get in touch with my intuitions and utilize them as a guide to my questions, my responses, and finally that next step that I'll take that will take me closer to being the compassionate and healthy person I'm striving to be. |
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Thu, April 10, 2008 - 12:59 PM
Cut Conflict Off At It's Two Sources
Resist fear & anger.
Surrender to acceptance & forgiveness. |
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Thu, April 10, 2008 - 2:13 PM
What my life has taught me about this one:
Feel everything I feel and listen to everything I think. Resistance to what I'm feeling and thinking IS conflict in action. I've found that being prepared to do this for myself makes it easier to do for another. It's impossible to resolve a conflict when one person or group resists acknowledgement of the conflict, while the other is trying to point out one is present! Still, no need to go looking for conflict where there is none either, though plenty do this in order to manipulate and get something they want. Being able to work through conflicts brings people closer than anything else can, in my experience. If conflicts aren't worked through and instead shoved under the rug.....that rug gets too lumpy to reach across in any genuine way, eventually. Conflict itself is a great tool and teacher...it's just a matter of learning how to use it. If communication skills were taught and practised in schools daily from arrival 'til one leaves....what a difference that would make to the amount of conflict that even comes up, let alone how much more simply it could be resolved. Though even with that...there'd still be the manipulators... |
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Thu, April 10, 2008 - 2:44 PM
I agree with what Jazmin said. It would be great if communication skills were taught in schools. I think I've learned more from my friends about communication and keeping calm in the face of conflict then I ever did with my family - typically the idea there is to scream and manipulate ones way to 'winning' whatever the prize is. It's a sad soul sucking way to get the outcome you want.
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Thu, April 10, 2008 - 10:41 PM
I think that at the simplest level (2 people) it is essential to understand that conflict will arise. And that it's healthy to express supposedly-negative emotions like anger and dissatisfaction rather than to let it accumulate under the pressure of an emotional broiler. There is undoubtedly a risk involved here, when one party might react badly and disappear. But this also shows the motivations, inclinations, and maturity levels of that party; as well as how much it was worth in the first place.
Conflict that arises can be healthy, to facilitate growth. When dealing with more dysfunctional people, it becomes slightly tougher because they need to be mollycoddled, etcetera. Best not to let them bog you down, as I have learnt. The healthiest way to deal with conflict is to understand conflict and have your own personal definitions of what it is. It is to accept its existence. Of course, it takes two hands to clap, for a conflict to smoothen out. But ultimately, I believe that a Balance is required. SOmeone taught me the play-the-kite strategy when dealing with alot of things in life. SOmetimes you let the strings loosen a bit, other times you learn how to tighten them. |
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Thu, April 10, 2008 - 10:49 PM
conflict
Conflict is the admission that we are different in some way.
Conflict can lead us to a better understanidng of what triggers lie insideof us. Conflict is a call to evaluate how we judge others in order to protect ourselves.. "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understaning of ourselves "(Carl Jung) ps: the visual image is luscious |
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Fri, April 11, 2008 - 12:05 AM
Conflict is something that begins in the individual heart. It is only when the inner, individual conflict manifests itself in outer behavior that it starts to play a role in relationships.
When I feel a conflict arising inside me, I have several options for dealing with it without taking it out on others. Delving into these would be beyond the scope of this format. Most of all, what's needed is to dig deep in ourselves and really explore, contemplate and think over why we feel better when we make someone else feel bad. There are also times when someone else takes out their inner conflict on us. This is the time for the high art of peace - to accept the other's conflict, let it run its course, and not react to it - not pour oil on the flame. This is pretty difficult if you've already started the inner exploration/contemplation part, nigh on impossible if you haven't. These days we can watch the Dalai Lama practicing this art. |
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Fri, April 11, 2008 - 8:18 AM
1.) i try not to react, sit quietly, allow the other person to speak, and truly hear the essence of what they're saying
2.) i respond by speaking from my heart and expressing myself clearly with "i feel" statements 3) i look the other person(s) in the eye 4) i will involve a mediator if necessary 5) i realize that there might not always be a resolution. |
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Fri, April 11, 2008 - 12:55 PM
Broader Context
There's been such great responses here- they're great to read and learn from.. I think another paradigm to look at is seen through the cultural context and at just what we're doing and not doing to create and maintain vital energy and enthusiasm in micro and macro communities.. I often go to, in my head, a small island with maybe a 100 humans living there where health and safety / survival needs are met and folks are left with the task to make their lives fulfilling.. some of us rely on drama and never ending 'issues' to provide a sense of urgency in our lives.. but others take on creative projects and keep themselves within a context of growth and movement.. Okay, so.. my point is that when culture is enriched and vitalized and provides lures for the masses to become intrinsically involved in their own happiness we will see a cultural context with less vulnerability to conflict.. Isn't it just fabulous that we allow money grubbers to create and define our mass culture.. maybe a large economic slow down in the US will inspire folks to look within for inspiration and the needed zest that makes us less likely to enact conflict promoting behaviors..
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Fri, April 11, 2008 - 3:12 PM
"The real passion of the twentieth century is servitude." - Albert Camus
I certainly don't believe that feeding another's anger, frustration, ignorance, greed, etc. with your own is likely to be of any resolution. Likewise I'm sure, making it as an offering won't lead to a good time had by all. Except sometimes conflicts can be positive, as a challenge to do better. At some point some common sense needs to come to a middle ground and decide that peace can be every bit as exciting, stimulating, rewarding and diverse as mutually assured destruction. Of course I'm fairly perverse in my hopefulness. |
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Fri, April 11, 2008 - 3:54 PM
surrender.....
I usually make it a habit to read all responses before posting, but in this case, I think I need to go organic and just go for it.
Conflict is something I'm facing on a constant basis as I process the dissolution of a 10 year partnership... I have yet not gotten better at not reacting to the things that he provokes in me, but what I have gotten better at is witnessing and identifying in my own mind, like, "oh, when he says that, I feel my security threatened....when he denies my requests, I feel he is manipulating because he is hurt and reverts to being self-preserving, which, in turn, makes me react with anger and a big wall of disconnection...blah, blah, blah..." I like to tell myself that this is helping me to evolve in relation to handling conflict...that these subtle whispers from my intuition and detached self can help elucidate the dynamics between he and I. I also know that in life, these sorts of situations that show up and truly challenge us are also helping us to grow and become stronger...like how exposure to viruses actually helps strengthen the immune system. Whenever I am at the point where I can start to witness my and the other person's behavior from a detached observational place, there is growth. I think a lot of the conflict in the world is based in and originates with fear. Fear of the oil running out. Fear of loss of power. Fear of economic collapse. Fear of losing our home. Fear of losing our job. Fear of losing our lover. Fear of losing "the known" even though nothing is promised to stay in life... In opposition to fear, there is the irony of surrender, and how radical an act it is. |
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Fri, April 11, 2008 - 7:08 PM
Conflict is. I feel that most conflict stems from misperception or miscommunication. We all hear and view everthing through our individual filters. This causes much discord at times, but in the end can create forward movement and growth. One must always be activly listening to the others in their community and beyond. Then one must take it a step further and discover if they truly understood the other. To listen is something that takes great practice. To grasp the truth requires clear understanding of the others in the circle.
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Fri, April 11, 2008 - 9:11 PM
conflict
by the way, great piece!
I am bad at conflict. On occasion I have been good, but generally, I am quite bad. And I really hate it. I used to book a blues band at a bar. I had to be my own bouncer for the show. I was very good at that. Not because I was some kind of tough guy, though a bit of that is necessary. I was good at it because I truly wanted to resolve things peacefully. I was the bouncer for about a year and never had to lay my hands on anyone. I would buy them a drink, tell them a joke and use real friendship to get them to leave. And not in a manipulative sense. I just truly tried to be their friend (with a background of strength behind it, in vibe). I think conflict depends on what is going on. If you can break through the walls of difference and connect with the person on some common ground, then I think it can be resolved. If the two parties really have diametrically opposite goals, that can be a real problem. I guess the goal is to always try and make that human connection and take things out of an objectified world in which people feel some license to treat others as objects and not people. I think the ability to listen is very key...to deny one's own feelings and ego and just sit and listen, in very calm respect. I think that takes the climate of tension away. But, of course, that is only for a live interaction. I think the internet causes huge problems...because it is already divorced from a face, from tone of voice...and everything else. Much easier to get into a conflict, where a person feels like they can hide behind something. Like the horrible way drivers will treat each other, safe inside a metal box and can remove themselves from treating other people as human beings. Ultimately, I think conflict is caused by non-reflection, by a prejudiced view of another. Unless someone really refuses to see another person at depth, I think there can always be a meeting of the minds. But if you encounter some person who is strongly willed to refuse to see you as an actual person...then, I think conflict is going to occur. I guess then we try to do the best we can...avoid a fight as much as possible, seek a connection as much as possible...but if pushed to limits, then, I guess we have to fight for our right not to be abused by others. My gal just got an obscene phone call, on her work phone...which is a published number. That got me incensed. And I would still love to find the guy and lop off his little pin head. I don't know, maybe it is a Jersey thing. She's been through enough. Works in international relations. A co-worker was murdered by a terrorist about a year ago. She doesn't need any more worries. The security people at her job are all very high level security people with very deep connections. So, I am sure they will take care of it. So, that is good and keeps me from completely losing it. Hmmmm, you know, writing that all out was actually very cathartic. I feel a lot better now. I had forgotten about those security guys. take care all, Jon |
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Sat, April 12, 2008 - 4:23 AM
One technique
Most important is to realize that the negative feelings we feel are, for the most part, our own. Typically, when a negative feeling arises in our consciousness, we will be dead-on convinced that some outside factor (typically, a person we are close to) is responsible for how we feel. We have become accustomed (dare I say "conditioned") into thinking this way. This idea that the other is the cause - this is the seed of conflict in the world. We have to get rid of this idea somehow, for example by affirming to ourselves: "This conflict that is arising in me now is mine and mine alone - I affirm that I will work through it myself. I wil resolve it without hurting any other person." Of course, this is just one way. If the affirmation sounds corny to you, simply re-word it so it sounds natural to you.
In doing this technique, there are three important points to remember: - not take out the anger/negativity on anyone else (not even on an animal) - at the same time, be sure to really work through it, not just suppress it. Suppressed negatvity just comes back later, usually magnified. Anger and negative feelings are energy that needs to express itself via movement - physical movement, emotional movement, mental movement, i.e. dancing, howling at the moon, thrashing about on the floor, practicing yoga asanas and breathing techniques, writing, etc. - really say the affirmation, preferably out loud (but not purposefully so others can hear) or in your mind, and repeat it as often as necessary. Repeat it as you go to sleep at night and again when you wake up in the morning. This technique (called "sankalpa" in yoga terminology) is very effective. All the best, Narayan |
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Sat, April 12, 2008 - 5:16 PM
Good Question! I think what works best for me, first of all, is trying to stretch out the space between the stimulus and my reaction. If I react immediately when triggered, its just usually free flying emotion, which is fine, but for me, usually hugely unproductive, and sometimes, even messy and hurtful to others. What works for me is taking some space and coming back. If that isn't possible, then trying to get myself to shut up and listen, breathe, all that good stuff. But that isn't always easy. Talking to friends, finding an old book on my shelf for wisdom, running definitely, walks, fresh air... I think that covers it!
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Sat, April 12, 2008 - 5:50 PM
hmm conflict?
Ive grown into this woman who is petrified of conflict... but not really sure why or how to deal with that. I have no idea how idea how I got here or why exactly I am petrified. Ive tried to unravel this, find the root, but thus fire I have only found the end of a few strings of that huge emotional ball. I am quite prepared to step into it, if another person starts it. I am intelligent and sensitive and calm and patient and assertive. But to voice my own inner feelings, when I know it will have a negative impact on another person is incredibly difficult for me. I understand the power of words and spend a lot of time measuring the impact, the necessity and the consequence of word before I speak. Do I really need to say that? Am I just being selfish? Will the outcome be worth it? I let a lot of stuff slide. A lot. And maybe that means I don't value my feelings as I should. And I am also aware that not saying anything feeds resentment which is just being passive agressive. I am very aware of the implications of this avoidance.. as in the end it creates as much trouble as saying something. I wish it was as simple as deciding to resolve issues in a mature, adult fashion, but the world is full of fragile humans, complex and infinitely varied. I believe there are some people in the world that have been armed with amazing confidence and amazing communicative abilities, but then mostly I see and am surrounded by delicate, sensitive, fearful, defensive human beings who have never been taught conflict resolution, either to give or to receive words positively. Me being one of them. Ultimately I believe that an inability to deal with conflict, leads to a life of avoidance and submission. A life that is ultimately not your own.
I have not found the best way to deal with conflict and maybe that is because I am too sensitive. There are so many dialogues I need to have with people in my life, but I haven't. It's so serendipitous that Bragitta has once again posted this art and question topic (you always do this to me.. perfect timing).. as it is what I'm examining right now, the next self-examination and evolution stage of my life... and I really want to find a solution to this personality trait of mine. But i often wonder if it will really change anything at all given the whole world is full of people who have the same problem. Im sure it will make me feel better on one level, but terrible if I hurt another person and loose their friendship. I think the key to conflict resolution, is the removal of ego and fear and the addition of compassion and patience |
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Sun, April 13, 2008 - 12:53 AM
The soft answer turneth away wrath
In my opinion, interpersonal conflict, as opposed to political conflict, most often arises through one or both parties feeling they have been slighted in some way, that they have not been treated with due respect and consideration, that they have not been heard.
Recognition and acknowledgement that the other party is feeling this way is the best recipe for dealing with this. We're all thoughtless at times: if the complaint has merit, say so. Do not be afraid that you will be devalued as a person by acknowledging your faults: you won't, just the opposite. It takes a big person to admit they have been wrong. If the complaint has no merit, try not to be outraged: it's rare for people to be deliberately dishonest, gently reaffirm your disagreement, try not to be hurt or proud. You are of value, whether or not the other thinks so at the moment. Much conflict arises from a lack of confidence in one's own innate value. Be empty of things which are damaging to you, and full of love and care for yourself in good ways. Then you can honestly do all that it is possible for you to do to resolve a conflict, without pride and outrage getting in your way. But it takes two to tango: you are not a failure if the other refuses to respond in kind. Kind regards, John |
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Sun, April 13, 2008 - 7:39 PM
some of us wish we had a conflict
if you had a conflict today, you might consider yourself lucky. did you you have a conflict with a passionate person in your life? some of us wish we had a conflict, but we don't have anyone in our lives worth having a conflict with.
as for something useful for actually dealing with conflicts, i think it all starts with what attitude you cultivate before the conflict begins. i cultivate an attitude where winning means fairness with forgiveness. |
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Sun, April 13, 2008 - 11:04 PM
might curiosity be a path between approach & avoidance?
I'm not all that great at managing conflict, but on those occasions where I've found my way between the scilla of fear & avoidance and the charybdis of anger & agression it's been through curiosity. And being curious, as in "How is that for you?" often leads to knowing more and then to compassion. Would that I might remember to breathe, would that I might remember to wonder, would that I might hold intense and even threatening feelings with an open hand, an open heart and an open mind. Whew, that middle path - holding your mind open enough to learn new things and allow in new ideas, yet not so open that your brains fall out.
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Mon, April 14, 2008 - 7:35 AM
I am not always effective at doing this myself (I guess no human being is)...but if one is able to think in a dialectic manner, in other words to be able to see all of the different truths that are present and hold them all in your mind, and that includes any feelings that one may have about the manner...to be able to be mindfull and radically accept all pieces of the truth, and then to look for the synthesis, that is what most likely leads to the healthiest solution. Validation and change are two sides to the same coin.
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Mon, April 14, 2008 - 2:25 PM
I suppose one of the most useful ways to resolve conflict is to move away from blame and pointing fingers. As hard as it may be, remaining as objective as possible and focused on potential solutions is, in my opinion, the fastest way to move forward.
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Mon, April 14, 2008 - 8:37 PM
healthy way to deal with conflict
Believe it or not, the way I deal with conflict is I begin by not being so sure I am right. I mean, I know what's going on, but I just don't want to be like a war criminal, getting rid of folks just because they are different. After I take that first step, I can begin down that wonderful road to peace and understanding.
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Tue, April 15, 2008 - 6:00 PM
the underlying web of resolution
In facing conflict one must be aware of the "why" of thier re-sponse. If i am interested in "fixing" something or someone, or If I am coming from any form of dualism, then my efforts to bring forth that which I most deeply value is thwarted. In order to create lasting change, whether from conflict to resolution, or from war towards peace, I must be willing to move from a state of non-dualism. Investing my creative energy from a place of dualism reinforces the very aspect of my experience that I am wishing to change. This is why wars on terrorism will never succeed, why wars on drugs will never succeed.
I must be willing to recognize the part of me that wants something different, without needing to label what I see in a polarized manner. from this state of mind, my presence alone facilitates resolution. Creating what I want becomes effortless. I am singing at a resonance that Invited the universe to attune... And my recognition of the state of being that I am operating at becomes the focal point for investing my creative energy. Rather then looking outside of myself, my journey begins by turning my gaze within. This is how I bring forth resolution This is how I invite change This is how I walk this earth and this is where my path towards integration lies waiting for me Why is the spiritual path known to so many as integration? by coming from a place of non-dualism, we expand our identity from its usual constrains we open ourselves to possibility we attune to potential such is the nature of true resolution an unwinding of the pattern underneath recognition of the root pulling it up and "cooking it with garlic into a nice soup" |
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Thu, April 17, 2008 - 6:47 AM
conflict resolution
Know your boundaries.
Be able to say no. Approach conflict as "working with" someone towards a solution, rather than "fighting against" someone for a win. Respect the people you're working with as a people with rights to the same things you have rights to. Make sure all parties involved understand the expectations and the consequences of their actions. Follow through. Listen to your anger, but don't act out of it. Reach for a solution that is palatable to all parties. Give up the delusion that everyone has to like you all the time. Understand that being compassionate is not the same as being a doormat. Choose your battles wisely. Don't attempt to change the person. You can't. Attempt to change behavior that is not acceptable. |
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Sat, April 19, 2008 - 6:42 PM
letting go of resistance to change... knowing that change is what "is" and change can be and most often is a beautiful time of growing for us as well as the mother earth we live on...
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Mon, April 21, 2008 - 9:09 PM
most conflicts can be disolved in words,changing the mindset or other positive ways,but there are some conflicts that can only be dealt with by sex and/or violence
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Thu, May 1, 2008 - 5:08 PM
commit to calm dialogue--better if both parties commit to calm dialogue
and no interrupting before each has finished a thought at the end, acknowledge other party's intractable assumptions also, acknowledge your own intractable assumptions and then commit to not beating the shit out of each other gpb |
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Sat, May 3, 2008 - 7:15 PM
Conflict is the absence of Love.
When there is Love there is no conflict. |
