i've always felt disconnected. Thats...nothing new. (I hope this doesn't become another emo-bitchfest...i hope there's some sort of real revelation in here somewhere). I've always felt different from the people I'm related to..you know, by blood...but everyone does, don't they? ish? maybe?...except for those few pairs of brothers, and folks that go into the family business of winning championships, gold medals, and creating billiondollar companies....

I think i find this disconnect strange because there was no major traumatic event that happened that could've caused this rift...not unless I've stuffed it way down beneath the depths which I stoop to when I'm a blithering, jabbering drunkard. If it weren't, Bendigo would've found it YEARS ago.... .... But anyway: I've always been loved, provided for, rarely spared an expense, always cared for... and yet, I have such different ideologies (do I even HAVE any ideologies??), different mindsets, different beliefs and just a different way to view the world. Somehow...i feel like the only place we can get to is a place where we agree to disagree (we're almost there now) but I wonder what that will do to us, me and the bloodrelated family, in the future...


I went to wildfire nearly a year ago, and i found a fantastic community. I got welcomed to the family of fire...but still, i was a cautious outlier. I sat on the fringe...saying hi, and talking when spoken to, but...I felt like i had snuck onto a reunion that wasn't mine. .. Then nekkid twister happened: and life was good. The best friend that introduced me into this fire community (and to the fire arts as a whole) found me at this nighttime activity and simply shook his head, smiling because we both felt i'd found my place. OF course, being my reclusive self, I did a v. poor job of keeping in touch and did not explore these family ties post-wf...always claimed to love the hippies (that were there), and the mindset, the freedom, the expression, the style, the hats'n'clothes'n'hair, but rarely going out to seek them...back "in the real world"

The good news is that I have found a few more members of this community, and we've become friends. We've become buddies and we're close to becoming brothers in fire..(one of these days, we'll get that spinning video shot and edited!). But i know that there is still more seek, and more to find, more to learn and more to discover. I hope I can make this next wildfire the best it can possibly be for me, you (the collective you, of friends and whatnot) and whomever i may encounter.

The heart of this entry speaks to the strange feeling that I've been having lately. I've found, as I reflect on life, that many different people have been brought into my life at various stages. Most...by now...have moved on, but still left their mark on my mind, heart and soul, thanks to the various experiences that we've shared during the time we together. Most...okay...all but two who I still consider to be an active part of my life are no longer by my side...we connect through the internets, and the phones, etc..and that is well and good...but I miss the chance to just walk down the street, drive through my town, and be there to make a new experience. I just find it strange that the people I once cared about the most, and some that I still do hold nearest to my heart and soul, are no longer in that..."active" part of life. Maybe someday, they'll be there again...or maybe one day I'll find a new cluster of friendly folk to belong to.

Perhaps, the answer is that which a friend led me to: All the experiences that are not shared with the ones you'll spend your latter stages in life, retired on a porch stoop, with.... are simply stories that you'll get to tell...whilst spending your latter stages in life, retired on a porch stoop of sorts.

So here's to it. I don't know where I'll be in seven and a half months. I don't know who I'll be, don't know who I'll know, or who I'll see...if its here, hopefully something new has been found and forged to add to the goodness thats already been established. If its down south (err..souther than here...think the carolinas) perhaps there is something there, that is yet to be discovered...Or maybe the city of angels is where I will find mine. Who the hell knows...but it should be a helluva ride gettin there!

Cheers to you if you made it this far!