Surgery happened.

It was intense.The doctor told me all the worst possible outcomes to cover their ass just in case. "You could die.. your voice could be worse... there's no telling what could happen"- i started shaking heavily and wondering if i should sign on the dotted line in a thin gown with IVs already in me. It was really negative and worst case. It busted all the confidence I walked in there with.

I passed through some heavy gates of fear... severity... mercy.. doubt... weakness... vanity.... regret... self-juddgement... living in the past... blaming the guy for running me over.. blaming the first doctor for not knowhting what is wrong...and then in acceptance to be alive and to allow my creative energy to express itself however it needed to.

I just accepted that I was alive and that I could walk and type and think and be creative.. and my looks and my voice would have to be however they were supposed to be for me in this lifetime. IT wasn't important to the spiritual and professional work I am here to do.

afterwards the Doctor was incredibly astonished at how badly my voice box was broken... said it was the worst he'd ever seen.. was astonished at how it didn't kill me on the scene. "How did you survive this? - it's a miracle. There's a 95% chance you should be dead" he mentioned that about 8 times with geniuine awe. this was not a textbook case. he's writing it up for a medical journal if I give him permission.

The night agter surgery I was connected to all kinds of machines. Strange and friendly nurses and people popped in and ran checks. A very elderly Jewish man was in the room next to mine shouting "Oy! Oy! Oy! Oy! Oy! Oy!" for hours and hours on end. I put in headphones to tune it out... feeling compassion that he must be more scared or flipped out than I was. I watched E!'s "Beautiful Sexy Nightspots in Las Vegas" which was about 5,000,000 miles from how I felt... than the Cosby Show (which was very wholesome, positive and well-done) - and some bizzareo late night informercials and zombie movies.

sitting in a hotel in denver now... dreaming on Vicodin and listening to Ambient music ( Adham Shaikh.)..

the intense dicomfort has passed.

now I am supposed to move as little as possible for 2 weeks... not go outside... not lift anything,,,,

to let everything set as well as possible.

I was broken. And put back together. NOW IS THE TIME FOR HEALING.

Help me picture a clear bright voice... teaching classes, doing business, singing, praying... caring and communicating.


thank you!

So might it BE!