So...the day is over & the night begins.

I'm here alone. Sitting, thinking of the events that has happened today and for each moment that came and gone...I'm blessed.

I may not have accomplished much today. But knowing the fact, that kind words, love, and a simple hug, can make a friend better. Regardless of my own battles. I feel good about being there for someone else, who could use the encouragement a little bit more than I.

I believe that love makes the world go round and a smile, a hug makes people better.

I'm so thankful for everything I have. My family, my friends, my life. Regardless of the up's & down's, life is to precious for it to not LIVE your life.

Don't think too hard, if you think it hurts that bad
Don't talk about it, don't let it get you down
It's only one part, of the story
Just let it go, don't let this get you down now.

Sing the last thing on your mind
The last word on your breath
I'll be the one to keep you, keep you at your best
The last thing on your mind
'Cause I don't need your mess
I'll be the one to keep you one disaster less

Straighten up your tie, take the microphone
Forget about it, don't let it get you down
Now is not the time, and you're not alone
Shut up about it, no one can bring you down now

I'll be okay, if you're okay

So I had a wonderful weekend. A good one infact....
Saw some old friends, I haven't seen in a while....
And fullfiled an intense craving....which by the way was AMAZING.

This past weekend, has left me in ah. But I really should just be careful of what I get myself into.
But I guess that's not bad.

So, on Friday I was at work. My boss calls and asked if I was moving the day before. I told her no, I just took the day off to work on a few personal things. She mentioned that she had this paper called The Acorn. The Acorn is a weekly community newspaper for Agoura Hills and it has rentals for rooms, houses, apartments, etc.... So instead of waiting around for my boss to give one to me, I just looked online. That day I found a room in Calabasas. $750 a month, my own private bath. Its a nice place. Quite, in the mountains, and in a commmunity. Not so bad. So I'll finally be moving out of Owen's place at the end of the month.
And now about THAT SITUATION....................................

It's been a little bit easier for me. I've had a couple bumpy days.... but never like the first two weeks.
I think it'll be better once I get out of here. He just acts different towards me. It's so hard to figure people out who don't really talk to you about how they feel. I hate it. It's like a guess game. How lame.

I can't wait to move out. I'm sure it's gonna be weird for the first two weeks. My room is gonna be so empty :(
but at least I can decorate my place MY WAY. My bedroom is so big though, I can have my own bachlorette place. So that I'm pretty stoked about. I say at least by December my bedroom will start to look cool. There's a pool, hot tubs, gym, sauna, park, banquette room stocked w/ a full size kitchen for parties in the community. And I'm sure I can make some money there and give massages to the folks that live there.
I have so much emotion running thru me right now. But I have to stay above the negative and roll w/ the positive.

Mostly everyone is out of town, but I'll see them next week.........................................

Just 2 more weeks. And yes even though it's only a weekend trip, I"m still pretty excited that I'm going to the East Coast. I've never been and I think it would be freaking awesome....Oh and plus I get to have a mini vacay w/ my honey. Counting down the days.............

Being Twenty-Something...

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you

stop going along with the crowd and start realizing

that there are many things about yourself that you

didn't know and may not like. You start feeling

insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or

two, but then get scared because you barely know where

you are now.


You start realizing that people are selfish and that,

maybe, those friends that you thought you were so

close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have

ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are

some of the most important ones. What you don't

recognize is that they are realizing that too, and

aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that

they are as confused as you.


You look at your job... and it is not even close to

what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking

for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the

bottom and that scares you.


Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what

others are doing and find yourself judging more than

usual because suddenly you realize that you have

certain boundaries in your life and are constantly

adding things to your list of what is acceptable and

what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the

next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest

force of your life. You feel alone and scared and

confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try

and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon

realize that the past is drifting further and further

away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you

are or move forward.



You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you

loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed

and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough

that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone

but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing

this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands

and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting

like an idiot starts to look pathetic.


You go through the same emotions and questions over

and over, and talk with your friends about the same

topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You

worry about loans, money, the future and making a life

for yourself... and while winning the race would be

great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!



What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates

to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as

hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

So I finally booked a professional photoshoot.
I ran last night just for 20 minutes since I'm so out of shape. I'm so happy w/ the decision that I am making for myself. I've been wanting to do this for a while now. I just have to tough it up for myself for 3 weeks before my shoot. Tryin to stay away from bad temptation, like chocolate and piggin out. I just have to make sure that I keep pushing myself. I HAVE TO......I have to look good for my shoot. I have so many ideas....i'm so excited

do you hear that? It's quite outside but I feel that's there's so much havoc going on in my head. I'm trying to tell myself that I do have the right to feel this way, even under my present condition. It's hurting, ow it's hurting so bad make it stop. Why do I keep surrendering and subjecting myself from this dark hallway? Where am I going and how come the light just keeps getting further and further away. Everything just comes at mach speed circling at me like, where am i?
yet your so near, I feel that I am alone. Why can't I help myself? Why? I feel that at every scene that temptation may arise, it will be granted. STOP! the pain........... it keeps coming back. I wonder how it would be if there was another way to stop the pain from hurting anymore. maybe someday, i'll see you dimming away from the light in that dark hallway. would we be holding each other's hands then?
i keep drowning myself everytime
i keep swallowing water everytime
i try to save myself and again i realize that i am drowning
do you see me?
look at me
can you see the scars?
i feel my tears falling
only to see that i am bleeding
i am alone
standing against a wall
i see you standing at a distance from me
i squint
a reflection of you
but i can't get any close
what is this place?

I'm glad that I have great friends. It really blows my mind how my life has drastically changed b/c of these wonderful people.
I finally have my crowd of close friends. How blessed am I?
I wish that one of my other close friend's was more near by, more than a few states away.

I know I will have them close in my life till the day I die. It's kinda like that Beatles Song...In my life. As cheesy as that is................

I finally feel content.

Days like this, I don’t know what to do with myself.
All day - and all night.
I wander the halls along the walls and under my breath.
I say to myself.
I need fuel - to take flight -

And there’s too much going on.
But it’s calm under the waves, in the blue of my oblivion.
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion.

Is that why they call me a sullen girl - sullen girl.
They don’t know I used to sail the deep and tranquil sea.
But he washed me shore and he took my pearl -
And left an empty shell of me.

And there’s too much going on.
But it’s calm under the waves, in the blue of my oblivion.
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion.
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion.
It’s calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion.

♥ Yes....I'm a bit obsessive.
♥ Masuimi Max to me is the most beautifulist model I have ever seen.
♥ This half Korean half German model (Spokesperson for Trashy Lingerie shop.trashy.com/index.php
and the Webmaster of her website www.Iamtrouble.com and many more) is so diverse, it's sickening.
♥ Her amazing tattoo's and her performing with fire, from her being a contortionist, to dressing in sexy lingerie to nothing. Uhhh....need I say more? I would love for you guys to check out the links that I posted up on here of her.

Thank god, I have great friends in my life to help me out when I need help the most. So yeah, it's been 3 weeks now that I've been phuking jobless!!! Pathetic. At least I'm temping right now. It's better than nothing. It sure doesn't help on consuming posion to my brain when it would backfire on me the next 4 days. Tormenting and scarring my self esteem and kicking me down more to the ground. While I have my hands up for mercy as the dirt just covers my face and the hole just gets deeper and deeper and harder for me to grasp for air. I know eventually I will be free of this so called boredom.