Look to the Horizon
Into the Black HoleThu, January 10, 2008 - 5:24 AM
This phrase occurred to me 2 years ago (was it only 2 years ago? wow) when we were wrapping everything up and moving to New Zealand.
It’s like, in a science fiction movie, when the shit hits the fan and they have to do something radical to save their asses—it’s a moment where everyone straps into their seats, and everything shakes a lot. It’s a make or break moment, a moment of ultimate tension, and, except maybe for some steam coming out of pipes and the view on the screen going shakey-shakey and some flashing lights and maybe some people getting thrown out of their chairs, and a great big rumbley noise, well, that’s mostly what happens…
…but then, just when you think it is going to be OK, if maybe a rough ride, THE CREW STARTS A MUTINY!
In the movies, and in my life, thank sweet baby jesus, after a lot more shaking then they are through and its easy smooth sailing after that.
The mystics call this Chapel Perilous, FWIW. =The=only=way=out=is=through=
There’s something about this time of year, I swear to astrological jesus.
2 years ago it was the move to New Zealand. Last year it was getting ready for Kiwiburn, which in so many ways almost didn't happen. This time last year I was doing a test build on my eliptical dome, which ended up only 80% successful. And my still wasn’t working yet, waiting on a part from the states which was maybe, maybe going to do the job, who knows?
Well, we moved to NZ. And the dome didn’t work, but I went and bought a carport. And the still worked—I was distilling on the day before we left and managed to end up bringing a case of absinthe to kiwiburn. And the Green Fairy was brilliant.
This year? Once more into the breach.
First, there’s kiwiburn. Going much more smoothly this year overall, but I am building the centrepiece of the temple, which involves a structure of a type I have never really built before, and an orgone generator. Which is something that most "rational" people would say is impossible. And somehow making this all user friendly and cool looking.
Second, we decided to sell our house in Christchurch and just move out to our Wainui property. So we have to get the house from kiwburn-prep condition to saleable condition before we go. That’s a bit involved, as you may know if you have seen my room <grin>. And of course, among other things, people freak about the bees. "I am allergic to bees." May I say here, folks, that everyone is allergic to bees? See the bees need to scare you all off, because it's a little kamikaze run for every one of them that stings you, and are you going to die? Probably not. There are maybe one or two out of a hundred of you that will go into anaphylactic shock at a bee sting, and your life might be threatened. Twice as many people in the USA die from =walking=and=falling=down= than they do from =all= insect stings every year. Yes, it does appear that many americans are allergic to walking, but that's another post. Bee stings make you swell up and they hurt, but most of you who think you are "allergic to bees" are not. So anyway, I have to move the bees.
Third, our country place? We want to build a house there, but that’s against the rules. You know, government regulations.
I had been thinking for about the past week that I had the feeling that we were descending into the black hole again. I felt good, cocky, confident, like, it was going to be easy. Gee, I guess I get used to this.
Well, sometimes it feels easy, but it is always DIFFERENT.
Yesterday (Wednesday) started and I thought I just had little bit of work to do to get my Merkaba (aforementioned new kind of structure) ready for a test build on Friday. Plugged away but it wasn’t happening. Painstakingly measured and marked 12 struts and then they were all off. Didn’t know why. A bit of a nonsleeping nap late in the afternoon finally showed me the answer, but I felt attracted to working on further enhancements to the orgone generator, so I just went with the flow, feeling kind of tweaked and wired and a bit broken, but good work done there. Had dinner, and I swear only by the grace of updated orgone generator jesus, which was humming away in the work shed was I able to manage to get the rest of the Merkaba pieces cut. So I thought I was still OK.
Today we received in the mail a big package. 2 weeks ago, I said, honey, what do you think, I want to have a blank book or something for people to write in at the temple. Record their thoughts, or whatever. It would be, you know, interactive. Honey says, how much do you want to spend? Those things are expensive. Pshaw, I said, I will go onto trade me. Where I saw this item. Which arrived in the mail today.
Honey wanted to be there for the opening of the package. With good reason. We opened it, and it’s something. This is not just something, this is a high mana item. I do not say that lightly.
It’s a very large ledger book, it’s very old, mostly blank. All sorts of feelings went through me—feelings of accomplishment and pride, feelings of smallness and humility that I am involved in something much bigger than me, feelings that maybe we shouldn’t even desecrate this thing which is probably from the 1800s with our little scribblings at our little party. It is a beautiful item, and it deserves respect, which is another way of saying, more work before we leave.
Then I went on a Mitre 10 (NZ home depot equivalent) run and brought home a bunch of shit, and I was like, I have a bunch of shit that I am bringing into this house which I do love and yet I am leaving, and there needs to be far less shit here. Hmmmmm. And of course processing this shit into something cool and functional is yet more work.
Then we went to see the planning consultant for our non-permissible desire to build a new house on the property we bought and are in the act of committing whole-heartedly to. And it was a good meeting, but it was like, lots of time, lots of money, the rules for this area are under review by the environmental court, and what sort of needle can you thread to get what you want, which is totally unpermissible?
Well, I have been in these places before, it’s been my job, in a sense, but fuck, it’s hard. So it’s always time and money and work and you DON”T KNOW IF IT WILL SUCCEED or not. You just gotta do it. So that took a lot of wind out of my sails, even though it went well. It went well means we walk out of the office with another action plan to somehow lay over all the other action plans. And this one is the I haven’t even really been thinking about, trying to get other stuff done, but I think this could perhaps be the one that more than anything else really matters? Shit, I dunno.
Back to the house after that, after running some more errands and buying more things, and there is too much stuff in this house!!! Quick nap, talk to the lawn guy, who is going to put roundup (no, really, it’s a totally harmless herbicide! So low impact! Monsanto is your friend!) on all the weeds, use a leaf blower (I HATE fucking leaf blowers) to blow all the unsightly (but very nutritious to the plants) leaves we have so slovenly allowed to accumulate on the ground away, and cover it with wood chips, and bring in a line trimmer, and mow the lawn a bit, an shape the hedges, and it’s gonna cost you, mate!
I dunno. And then like, putting stuff away. The test build for the Merkaba is tomorrow. Will it work? It better work, because
I am building the temple
Thank you, everyone. For your confidence, faith, guts, chutzpa.
I’m descending into the black hole.
The only way out is through.
The man burns in 23 days,
But to anyone who has been a part of this thing, you know. The man is burning, was burning, will be burning for I don’t know how long. The pace keeps picking up. Thank dungeons and dragons jesus that I played role playing games when I was young, or would I even know how to deal with this? I’m just making it up as I go along, looking for the people around me to tell me whether I am doing OK or not, but half the time they are like, NO, that’s crazy, you can’t do that! But I really think I can, and sometimes I actually do, so who do I trust? Not myself either, because sometimes I don’t and I can’t.
The new life I am in is beautiful and glorious and thank prometheus jesus for giving me the fire, but sometimes it seems like such a fragile mental construction, and attitude of will, just plain attitude to keep it all running.
There isn’t any choice, though. I’ve burned my bridges. No going back. This is not my beautiful house. The last one was in San Francisco, and we sold it. We are somewhere in between...
I’ve reprogrammed by sensorium into an interpreter of events such that they all seem worthwhile and good. This makes everything seem worthwhile and good, which is of course worthwhile and good, but sometimes I feel just a bit incredulous about it all. My excess of good fortune. My experience of having this all work out just through, is it faith?
So thanks, I guess, for the black hole, because I guess chapel perilous is part of it.
Margaret, the soul design jeweler (see Kathy’s post, what colour is your soul at her site, www.kathysgetaways.com) was like, “people think it can all be happy and wonderful and benevolent ascended master be my guide kimosabe. They don’t realize YOU’VE GOT TO BURN.”
Frankly, I want it to be all warm and fuzzy, and would prefer not to burn. Is this burning, now? Well, it is hot, ouchy, even. But I have to say it could certainly be worse.
After all, look around. What’s going on? Just some steam. Flashing lights. The seats are shaking. Oh look, there’s someone on the floor!
Sounds like a party to me :-)
But I hope you don’t mind if I sit down, have a drink of water, and catch my breath now and then.
Tomorrow, test build. One of the biggest make or breaks in the next couple of weeks. Maybe, looking at all this, you think, well Bruce, that's the least of your worries. So what if it doesn't work? Surely selling your old house and getting consent for your new house is more important?
Strangely, it doesn't seem that way to me.
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haha, very ncie blog posting! thanks for sharing a window into the vortex! Man, I'm in your chose now... black-hole, here I come!!!
Don't forget that all these challenges you are encountering, you have planned for yourself. And I don't even mean that in the spiritual sense, though that is also true, just in the practical sense.
Stimulation, excitement, growing beyond limits, becoming something or entering someplace where you don't really know the future: beyond prediction. The chaos that life brings is also its joy. The unpredictability is also what keeps it from becoming stagnant, from dieing. For predictability is also death, stagnation.
The black hole, like life and death, is a moment of growth. when we look over that ledge of the unknown, we open our eyes and we take that step into the infinite void and say "yes", i am ready for you...
enjoy the trip!!! and see you on the other side, very curious to read your next post.