I wish I could click my heels and get out of this place.............Sun, September 30, 2007 - 8:32 AM
There was a political dinner I wanted to attend, but I had a funeral that morning, my grandmother died. God rest her soul. I was tired, took a nap and missed the dinner. Had this weird feeling, or was it a preminition of sorts.
Talked to my landlord, who lives on the property. Neighbor came over the night of the dinner to ask him to take her. He says why don't you call so and so and have him take you (stalker) so, landlord CALLS the guy on his phone, talks him into coming over to take her. Stalker wants all 3 of them to ride together, but landlord says no, I'll meet you there. Meanwhile, he tried knocking my door, but I was out and didn't hear him--he was going to take me to the dinner, knowing full well this man is stalking me! But, get this--landlord doesn't believe he's stalking me, doesn't believe he hurt me before, thinks he's a great guy............
So, by this time I'm going crazy! I'm angry (PTSD taking over) and actually YELLING at him on my front porch. I live on a main drag, from the busy road, you can hear my big mouth going. Another man was there with us, I was asking him questions like, ok, say you are my landlord, same situation, would you call him to take out the neighbor? then would retract, it was wrong to do that, I put this guy in the middle of this. :( I HATE that I am still sooo emotional. This sucks! Guy's supposed to finish up some work on my car, too. He may not, after seeing me in action. He called to cancel an appointment; so who knows what will happen now. :(
Wish I could move, get away from these people, but I can't afford to. If I didn't have the PTSD and all the problems associated with it, I could work an extra job, but I cannot even keep up with my work from college at this point, and would not be able to do my job right anyway if I get triggered emotionally.
Made an appointment to get prayed over, that usually helps. Several sessions should do me some good and I should be able to deal much better with people after, providing nothing else tragic happens in my life.
Grandmas death and seeing family is a trigger too. Grandma, poor thing, had a lot of problems. My family doesn't seem to think much of me, I'm like the joke because of the choices I've had to make--they believe I should do things differently. It's almost like they want me to be a bad girl, but I'm not, but they treat me like it, anyway. One of my aunts lectured me about having a double major in college; I just cannot do anything right, and avoided them for about 8 years before the stalking, hoping that I could get somewhere in life and they wouldn't pick at me anymore. Then, after I couldn't obtain a ppo, I called my aunt, thinking maybe since I'm in college and it looks like I'm trying to improve my life, that i would get a hand in this. ha ha ha! I should not think; she pressured me for quite a bit to find out where I met him, I tried to remain tight lipped about it, then spilled that I met him online. Another lecture! She did offer to help me find someplace to live that was affordable, guess she didn't believe that apartments cost so much. Called me back several weeks later, apologizing she couldn't find anything. My best friend and I had a ball over that, laughing about it--it helped to laugh it off, but still wounded me. They don't seem to believe anything I have to say, I always have some tragedy come along that holds me down for awhile and I haven't been able to get up on my own 2 feet. I try to be as independant as possible with my little income, but it is not easy. It is very difficult, I need help with my car and what not.
I just wish I could find some people to trust. It would be great if my family, who are such do-gooders in the community would trust me, but that may never happen. It hurts. I cannot help what I've been through, I've tried to avoid negative things, but keep falling into stuff. I was raped 5x in my adult life, and my family wants to believe it was my fault. I date every 5-10 years, so how the hell can it be my fault? I do get lonely for a man, for some tenderness, not sex, just to be held and loved, but I seem to find jerks and abusers, and then I am such a mess after I break it off that I do not date anyone for many years after. I want to try to be as whole as I can be for the next guy, who hopefully will be the one for me, but it never works out that way. In fact, the violence is getting worse, this last one hurt me physically and tried to destroy my life.
I'm trying to build up my social network of good, caring folks but need to be very careful because of the high emotions. I have scared some good people because of the yelling.................I don't do this when I'm not in distress! This is incredibly difficult and painful, for others and for me. I look like a nut job, and my main goal in life is to make others happy, to be a healer to others, so I'm falling down on the job.
I guess only people with ptsd would understand this, especially those who have been traumatized multiple times and do not have any support system.
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Remember how Jesus was not accepted in his community? I think there is a lesson there. We have to make our own way in life sometimes but I know very well that it isn't easy.
I think the main concern is learning to believe in ourselves. If we can attend school which is major as far as what it takes to accomplish what is needed to keep going, then we have to know that somewhere deep inside, we can reach down and find what is needed to accomplish other things that we need.
I am working on it at the moment. Good luck to you my dear. Don't ever give up but keep trying. We never can overcome anything without a struggle it seems but we can and will if we truly dig deep enough. I know it is harder than I make it seem but I have had to do it and am having to do it again. Having only ourselves to depend on makes it not something that we want to do, it makes it something that we have to do.