Sam looks much better in Melodias than I do.

Samantha is a beautiful, witty, and wonderful friend, who also happens to share my personality. She is also very talented with dance and music - she is an amazing cellist and I knew I had to have her collaborate with me on my next album. I am very lucky to have become friends with her.

She's the only person I know who has a sandwich named after her.

I met Samantha in Honduras. I was being chased by an angry father and 10 of his sons, for knocking-up this girl right before her wedding day (and helping an 11th son discover his "feminine" side). I was riding as fast as I could; kicking that ass for all I was worth. But they were gaining on me because my donkey was exhausted... and overweight.

I was just entering the Tegucigalpa city limits and there she was; in a brilliant, flowing, white dress as pure as the Vermont snow, waving in the breeze. I was mesmerized. Hypnotized by such a sight. Then I heard a hail of machine-gun fire and thought I was a goner for sure, but the fire wasn't coming from behind me.

I was able to overcome my panic and sneak a peek behind me and see that, one by one, the bandits, surrounded in an aura of red mist, fell to the ground! Lifeless. All eleven of them.

Though I knew I was now safe, I couldn't bring myself to slow down one bit. But that didn't matter to Samantha. As I approached at full donkey speed, she grabbed a piece of the saddle and swung herself on to the back of my donkey.

"What a fat ass," she says to me.

"Hey! I'm going to gym!" I reply.

"No, I meant your donkey."

We gave each other a suspecious glance, and have been "friends" ever since.

There are quite a few things most people don't know about Samantha.
For example, she has the largest collection of cured ham in North America. She once held up a liquor store in Tyler, Texas and donated the take to the SPCA. Her artistic talents are many. I own one of her sculptures. A finely detailed carving of all three members of ZZ Top made entirely of aged Gouda. It is the centerpiece of my collection.

Lately she's been working towards starting her own religion, which will no doubt include cats as clergy, a very stylish dress code as well as much better music than is found in the current houses of worship. Also, if the early reports are correct, the statues will all be neon.

I've obviously left out a few things, but a little mystery is good and sometimes an unnatural interest in the occult is best left a secret.