Arrrrrrggggggggghh I'm thinking about writing a story, kind of an autobiography but the names will be different and the situations will be much the same but chronologically different..........Where do I start???? Dammit!!!!!

I can't believe how awful things are getting!! Every time I turn around, I've lost something, or broke something, or I'm (either purposefully or accidentally) hurting myself (I whacked my head on the cash register earlier this week, a can of Dr. Pepper fell off the top shelf and slammed me in the chest it took the wind out of me, that kind of thing....), and forgetting things. Today I forgot my attendance thing for my psych class which means a 45 minute drive back home and a 45 minute drive back to school wasting an extra tank of gas because I have to live so damn far away from campus....I woke up this morning, it's getting cold out, and realized that all my winter clothes from last year completely drown me because I've lost 30 pounds since then, I have a test today for which I am in NO way prepared, I still haven't found my mp3 player, my car's radio system is f*cked up somehow and won't play my tapes right, my bank account is running low again, everything just seems to be against me!! Then, halfway to school today, I opened my gatorade and it happened to be RED today.....and it got all over my clothes...oh, and I forgot the letter I have to give my teacher for my accommodations AND I forgot my syllabi so I could give it to the scheduling office so they could schedule my test in a "distraction-free" environment.....blahhhhhhhhhh life hates me!!!! And so do I!!!!


And then I make it back to class too late and end up being counted absent (electronically).

Thank goodness one thing is looking good......I told the professor about my quest to retrieve my CPS and explained that's why I was absent and she told me to just send her an e-mail and she'd take care of it ;D I have the best professor in the world (and the worst professor for my other class, lmao)

Now off to work on my political science so I can take that test in 1/2 hour.......I hope my luck is better on this test than it has been for the rest of today.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot scantrons (the way we record multiple choice answers) for the test, which would mean another trek across campus to buy 5 more when I only need a total of 3 (they only come in packs of 5), and then I would have been too late to take the exam too so thank goodness I checked my bag for scantrons before I left the second time!!

No more medication. It's hella hard to fall asleep tonight. Too many thoughts running thru my head. It's almost 2:30 AM and not a wink of sleep to speak of. No alcohol tonight, tho.....so I guess that's good! What does one do when one has nothing to do????? Oh yeah, I have homework. Nevermind.

It just feels like one endless, horrid, unforgiving, unforgettable, self-condemning nightmare. Every day I wake up to the same world, hoping everything I'm remembering is just a dream, that I'll wake up and it'll all be gone, but every day I end up waking up to the same shit, the same old stuff, same people every day, same pattern, same plans, nothing gets any better. I try to add swimming into my schedule and suddenly I don't have a regular schedule at work so my sleep schedule is thrown off by my weird working hours and it's just soooooo frustrating. I wish the nightmare would end, I wish it would go away, stay in the sea of darkness and unhappiness that seemingly surrounds me and envelopes me with horrible feelings and emotions, and let me finally see some light in my life. If only......

I'm down. Real down. Done some drinking, too much drugs, going downhill really fast. Not worth helping. Not worth getting help. Doesn't matter anymore.