Stream of Conciousness

Road Trip to NY!

Samantha — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 04:52:48 GMT

I'm super excited! Tribe friend Ivy and I are driving cross country from CA to New York! I've never been cross country before, and doing it when I was a wee little thing doesn't count! :) We plan on taking the northern route and arriving in about 8 days to our final destination... NY!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY IVY & LAURA!!!!!!!!

Samantha — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 06:59:52 GMT

Happy Birthday lovely Ladies!!!! Love you love you love you!!!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving to some and

Samantha — Thu, 22 Nov 2007 06:05:27 GMT

Happy day of love, life, celebration and family for all. Hopefully everyday is a day of appreciation for what we have, but I love traditions too. And I'm glad to have a day that reminds me to slow down. A day that allows me to get out of work and be with my loved ones that I only get to see once or twice a year because life is so busy and moves so fast. With that said I wish you all the best my dear friends. I wish you good health and your families good health. I'm gratefull to have such great connections with so many different people from all over who bring such diversity to my life. To be impacted and to have my life enhanced. That is why I am here, and hopefully I have been able to do the same for you. Take care, and much love. Sam

Park Ranger Update

Samantha — Sun, 23 Sep 2007 02:41:59 GMT

Dave passed!!!!!! Me? I most likely would have passed if it wasn't for my one time drug experimentation about 6 years ago. I tried ecstacy 6 years ago and when you take a controlled substance you cannot be considered for a law enforcement position until 10 years later. Looks like I can apply in 4 more years. I am really disappointed, but I had a feeling it was going to come back and bite me. The great news is, I passed the step test!! 310 steps with 2.5 lb ankle weights to be completed in 10 min or less. I did it in 8 min 53 sec. I also passed the 90 lb weight carry where you carry 2 45 lb weights a distance of 210 yards, drop one weight and carry 1 45 lb weight another 210 yards in 6 min or less. I passed in like 5 min 30sec. I am really proud of myself for getting as far as I did. I feel very accomplished. I do, however, feel very disappointed because I feel so stuck in a place that makes me so unhappy. I don't know what else there is for me. I mean for craps sake I have a degree and I feel like it is worthless. I want a career that will inspire and fullfill me. I want to contribute and make a real difference. Starbucks is not it. I am going to keep looking. I am going to keep investigating Parks and Recreation both for the State and the County. There are interpretive positions out there that pay almost as well, and there are some Park Ranger positions with different Countys that are actually not law enforcement as they do not carry a fire arm. Truthfully I was not all that keen on the law enforcement anyway, just the other aspects. If it means I have to take a job that pays less then $9.00 an hour so be it. I was just hoping change was in the near future, and on my terms. Well, back to the drawing board.

Today's the day!!

Samantha — Sat, 22 Sep 2007 18:20:45 GMT

Dave is in the middle of his physically agility test at this very moment. Mine starts at 1:15. Wish us luck!!!

Aloha!!!

Samantha — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 02:59:55 GMT

We're back!!! After 2 wonderful weeks in Kauai!!! I have lots to tell, and I know I still have to tell you all about my whitewater rapid ride in more detail. We both want to treat this as a fresh start. A bit hard for me to do since I'm back to the grind stone at a job that makes me feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I will keep telling myself to breath and to shrug it off. I also have my physical agility test this Saturday. I am very scared, but focussing on fears brings them to life. No mater the outcome I will be able to push forward. For that I find relief in. So in the meantime I will still be very busy, but will check in now and then. I look forward to being with all of you more consistantly very soon. Love you all!!

Park Ranger Update

Samantha — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 23:52:31 GMT

Dave and I are scheduled for our physical agility testing on Sept 22nd! wish us luck. We will continue training during our vacation on the beautiful island of Kauai!

Death Has Visited Me, Yet I Live

Samantha — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 01:52:35 GMT

I haven't been around a lot just because I've been busy with work and getting ready for my Hawaii trip. But I want you all to know how grateful I am to have this place and to have all of you. I have much to tell you about my weekend, and wish to dedicate a couple of blogs for the details I won't go into here. However, on Thursday I was thrown from my raft into a class III+ rapid (there are 6 classes) and truly felt the terrifing power of nature as well as the inevitable fact that death can come at anytime. I don't mean to be dramatic, but as I was pushed under water by the waves crashing down on me I had accepted that I might die that day... not given up, but realized that the only choice I had was how I would continue to act in my circumstances. I also faced death in a different way yesterday. My beautiful 17 year old cat, Tess passed away. For those of you who may not be animal lovers or are inable to understand the relationship a person can have with their pet, please be open and sensitive. She was my companion since I was in 8th grade, and I am 30 now. We've been together for a very long time, about half my life. I have had many pets and their loss has always been painful, but there was something special about Tess. Whether it was her personality or perhaps that relationships between people and animals can indeed develop and grow over the years. She and I only got closer and she comforted me during some of the worst times of my young adult life. She was my best friend. I just wanted to leave a quick blog but will delve into each of these stories over the next couple of weeks. I hope to hear from you and I hope you are all well. It seems a bit quiet these days. Love you all.

Park Ranger Interview!!!

Samantha — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 01:24:51 GMT

*sigh* well that's done :) So for the past several weeks I was really trying to prepare myself for the oral exam (interview). i had a list of possible questions I would be asked and focused on my delivery of answers. I thought about my strengths and opportunities. I thought about what I could bring to the job. Why I want the job. How I have prepared myself etc... Here's what happened... I got to the office almost 45 min early. They started me almost 1/2 an hour late. I was taken to a room where I was given the actual questions they were going to ask. I was given a pencil and paper to take notes. I had 1/2 an hour to prepare. I was then escorted to another room and left outside to wait. One of the panel members came out and took me inside. I immediately introduced myself and shook their hands. They sat at one long table, and I sat at another long table facing them. They introduced themselves (there were 3 of them) and the chairman began reading from a paper what was going to happen etc... I was allowed to bring my notes which they collected afterwards. And so we began... Ok, so normally during an interview it's rather conversational. At least in my experience. In my experience you not only get asked specific questions, but sometimes additional questions to elaborate on something of particular interest or if the interviewer is looking for consistancy in your answers. The interviewer also looks you in the eye. Usually, they are personable because they want to make you comfortable so you can show your true self. Hopefully you get a laugh or a head nod if you've impressed them or made a connection. Um... no First off I was so nervous, but that's ok I used to public speaking. But I hated the fact that I hardly got any reaction from them. Yes I got some smiles, minor chuckles, a slight head nod but for the most part they hardly looked me in the eye. They didn't probe and I felt like I was downloading information to them. The questions were rather loaded with more then one question all asked at the same time so I felt like I blabbed forever trying to cover it all from life experience, work experience, how it relates to the job, why I want the job, and how I prepared for it etc... Most of the time I felt like I was on auto pilot and wonder if I was actually forming coherent thoughts. I hope I was effective in delivery and making connections from my experiences to the job. The thing I hated the most was that I could not read them. I'm very perceptive and I know when I have a captivated audience and when I am loosing them and from that I can adjust my communication, but this... it was impossible to tell. And I felt so locked into my notes!!! I almost wish that I didn't take any. I don't interview that way anyway. I hated how structured it was. Anyhow... I have actually put the interview behind me since I know I did the best I could, and thus I'm not going to get into too much detail unless any of you inquire further. I will know in 4-6 weeks!!! Hopefully by 4 because I am leaving for Hawaii in Sept and need to make arrangements if I have to reschedule the physical exam... that is if I pass the oral. :) Dave actually had the same panel and they were the same way so I guess that is reassuring. However a friend of ours had a different panel and he said they were totally kick back, personable and even asked additional questions... grrrrrr... I wish that was my panel!

Global Healling Event: Fire the Grid

Samantha — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 02:38:41 GMT

Global Healing Event Tomorrow: Fire the Grid Mon, July 16, 2007 - 4:34 AM This is it folks! In just 24 hours the unprecedented global healing and consciousness raising event known as Fire the Grid will be taking place! The event lasts one hour starting at 11:11 am GMT on Tuesday, July 17, 2007 and completing at 12:11 pm GMT. This translates to 7:11 am EDT or 4:11 am PDT. All it takes is one hour of your positively intended time to change the future for the better forever! I'll post more later, but for now, check it out here: www.firethegrid.org or watch the videos here: www.youtube.com/v/cqUAluDvuU4 www.youtube.com/v/XVhVCsv56kg www.youtube.com/v/gsqOZUmaECY www.youtube.com/v/FzrPCGP60As www.youtube.com/v/66zQg0v_gn4 www.youtube.com/v/L_6ajmdt39A www.youtube.com/v/gWtJncxNeLI www.youtube.com/v/T2sR8DWTD3U (Also, feel free to repost this. This info is super important!)

Getting Back on Track

Samantha — Sat, 07 Jul 2007 05:26:47 GMT

I'm really glad I made myself go to the gym today. After 2 weeks of not being able to stick to my regular routine because I overdid it the first week and then pulled a muscle in my neck the 2nd, I finnally got my ass in there today! During the time I had my neck injury I did continue with pilates. I thought it would actually be helpful with the stretching while continuing to build strength. The physical exam is composed of 5 tests: Step Test: I have to complete 310 steps on a 10-inch high step with 2.5 pound weights attatched at each ankle in 10min or less. I completed that test in the gym today in under 10 min with out the weights. Now I have to try it with the weights we bought for the purpose of conditioning for this particular test. Weight Carry: I have to carry a 45 pound weight in each hand for 220 yards, drop one weight and carry the other for another 220 yards. I recently went out and bought 45 pound weights to start practicing now. This is actually the toughest part of the exam for the women! Believe me they are fucking heavy!!! :) i gotta get myself out to a field. I haven't done this one yet. 500 yard run in full peace officer protective gear. I just running and doing intervel training for all the running tests. Dummy Drag: I have to drag a 165 lb dummy for 50 feet in 17 seconds or less. I'll have to make one of my friends help me out with this! 100 yard sprint... again more running. So I got a lot to prepare for. Oops I missed one. There are actually 6 tests. the last: Swim test: I have to jump in the deep end of a pool in full gear with a 9 lb weight belt, remove the belt. Tread water for 1 minute and then swim 20 yards.

Transformation... part deux!

Samantha — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 21:48:50 GMT

So I ended my last blog telling you about my most recent self discovery. I went on another Ride a Long to be sure that this is something that I could see myself doing. After that I submitted my application for the State as well as for the County. I know the County is an easy in, but that is only for the Ranger Assistant position. What Dave does. I would take it in an instant. The only downside is it would be a huge pay cut. Under $10 an hour and I make quite a bit more than that. So it would be quite a financial change. We are already preparing ourselves for that. I have almost paid off my credit card debt and we got rid of cable! We did sign up for net flix though. There are 3 exams for the State. The first is the written. I can't believe I actually passed! It wasn't hard, but it was long! The math was easy but very detailed and complex. I almost didn't finish. I had several problems that I just filled in random bubbles so I am relieved and surprised I passed! The next exam is the oral. That is basically an interview. The third is a physical. I have been training for the physical exam for over a month, but over did it and found myself unable to work out for several weeks. I'm starting up again and I will actually do some of the tests on my own to train for the real exam. I'm feeling really disconnected right now. I think it is because for such a long time I have lost my sense of purpose. I feel sad and lonely. I know getting back on track will help. Having a goal to strive for always helps keep the focus. A part of me feels very lonely. Even though I have Dave, I miss my friends. I miss hanging out. Hanging out with friends always makes the days feel pleasurably longer and more fulfilled. *sigh* I'm really glad I have you. If you really think about it, its kind of amazing. We're all here really for the same purpose. We're searching for something. And we're finding ourselves connected to people all over the world. If I could play connect the dots with all the people I have connected with through tribe I wonder what it would look like. I'm going to the gym! Love you! And thank you for being my friends!

Transformation... ouch it hurts!

Samantha — Sat, 30 Jun 2007 01:10:34 GMT

So I'd say for the past several months my presence has been random and my activity on tribe rather low. For that I am sorry. I have such a wonderful group of people I have gathered into my little community and who have graced me with their friendship and I feel that my lack of involvement could be disappointing to some. The truth is I have be going through a tremendous amount of change as we all do, and I've been trying to focus on dealng with life and getting through. I've not made the time to sit still and communicate what's been going on because it would be a novel. But I really do want to share and I really do want to continue building and solidifying the relationships I have with you, and perhaps creating relationships with those of you whom I haven't spoken with since I accepted your invitations for friendship. :) For the past several months I have been very very unhappy with my job. I am a store manager for Starbucks. Been with the company for 4 years. I got the promotion a year ago and at the same time was given a brand new store to open. A tremendous and exciting opportunity. I have grown so much in the areas of Leadership and Courage. I've learned to take more risks and to not worry so much about pleasing others. I've learned about holding people accountable, and I've learned how lonely it can be in that Leadership role. I've learned about focussing on Strengths not weaknesses and how to leverage those Strengths. I've learned how to communicate and coach better. I've learned how to have those icky conversations we don't want to have and yet still make them a positive experience while still holding the person accountable. And well there's always more... What I don't like about my job is that I am no longer excited about it. I don't feel like I make as much of an impact on others as I was hoping to. I don't feel inspired. I don't feel connected. I feel disconnected and yet Starbucks is all about the Human Connection. I feel more isolated than I ever felt before with the company. I don't feel like people listen to me when I ask for help. I don't feel like anyone invested any time in MY development in this role. Like I said it's very lonely in a Leadership position. Sometimes I know I need help but I don't know what to ask for. My DM should help me figure that out, but she doesn't. My store has been open almost a year now, and I kept saying there was something wrong with my scheduling system but I didn't know what... BTW no one ever taught me how to write a schedule, I had to figure it out all by myself. She just now sat down with me to look closely and now she finally understands my struggle and we were able to identify the problem. Don't get me wrong I am very greatful, but I wish she would spend more time with me on certain things. Yes I have asked for help in various ways. Most importantly I don't feel recognized. I have gotten recognition, but at this stage in my develoment I need more personal recognition as opposed to "Great job on driving your lunch sales! Awesome results!" Right now that means less to me than I guess it should. Honestly I really don't know what I need. I guess I work really hard at finding ways to make myself feel good by focusing everyday on accomplishing tasks that move me closer to my goal. That's what's keeping me going right now. The reason for my unhappiness, bottom line, is because I am not doing what I should be doing. For the longest time I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. I thought acting and Theatre were the only things I was really good at. Now that I am 30 and am in an amazing relationship and have family and kids on the brain I no longer desire to sacrafice certain comforts or other goals to be a starving actress. Acting is my passion, but it does not define me. It will always be a dream and if an opportunity came my way I would gladly take it. But I have realized that I have other passions and goals too. I want to have a family. I want to travel. I want to be active outdoors and do lots of camping and backpacking etc... The thing is though I didn't know what else I could be and thus 4 years at Starbucks has been my path. Good grief I don't want to be a manager the rest of my life. Hell I am really not digging customer service or the retail environment what so ever. Then on day it hit me. I love the outdoors. I love recreation. I am always envious of Dave when he comes home and tells me his Park Ranger stories. You guessed it! I went on a couple of Ride a Longs and felt some incredible things that I haven't felt in almost 4 years! Stay tuned for more in : Transformation part deux!

Anais Nin

Samantha — Sat, 10 Feb 2007 02:19:21 GMT

I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing. I will not be just a tourist in the world of images, just watching images passing by which I cannot live in, make love to, possess as permanent sources of joy and ecstasy. It is the function of art to renew our perception. What we are familiar with we cease to see. The writer shakes up the familiar scene, and, as if by magic, we see a new meaning in it. Life is truly known only to those who suffer, lose, endure adversity and stumble from defeat to defeat. There are very few human beings who receive the truth, complete and staggering, by instant illumination. Most of them acquire it fragment by fragment, on a small scale, by successive developments, cellularly, like a laborious mosaic. There is not one big cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person. When we blindly adopt a religion, a political system, a literary dogma, we become automatons. We cease to grow. When you make a world tolerable for yourself, you make a world tolerable for others

Angst

Samantha — Thu, 29 Jun 2006 06:33:21 GMT

This is my response to a post in Extreme Honesty from the thread titled "Angst" It was regarding our personal darkness, and things that make us angry etc... Thought it offered some interesting "me" things... My darkness comes from a deep deep well of emotion. Every emotion I have I feel very deeply, whether it is anger, fear, rejection, happiness, loss, depression... As a child I had a powerful and passionate temper. I still am very passionate when expressing my feelings, but with age, experience and maturity I have learned to better manage how I express them. The first thing I learned was to embrace all aspects of my feelings. To craddle them, not hide or repress them, and to not fear them. Sometimes it is hard. Especially when you feel as if your heart is riding a rolling wave and you feel as though you are about to be tossed into oblivion. But in the end, I come out better. Stronger. More powerful, and more empowered. I haven't learned to control, but to be true. To be open. And to let it flow. To flow and at some point to let go and release. Darkness ebbs and flows like the light. Ying and Yang. Balance. Things that really piss me off...? How irresponsible we are with education. How inhuman we are in regards to Human Rights, not allowing two people who love eachother to enjoy the same rights as a married couple, and the devestation it causes when they loose that loved one and everything they created together. How a government may be able to control the choices I make about my body. How irresponsible we are in regards to our environment. That people actually get paid to lie about it and ignore it. That there are children dying of starvation and lack of medical care even in the US. On a smaller scale...? People who choose to be self centered as opposed to being curtious to others. People who think they are entitled, yet choose to be victims. Who CAN do for themselves, but want to be taken care of. People who dump their shit on the person behind the counter because they think they can. People who drive 100 miles an hour down the freeway when you're driving 80 just to keep up and the speed limit is 65. Those same people who drive that fast in the slow lane and ride your ass when the other lanes have no cars in them. I could go on and on, but I think ya'll get the idea :)

The Situation in Hell ( I love this!)

Samantha — Sun, 18 Jun 2006 16:41:24 GMT

The Situation in Hell The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A."

More Inspiration

Samantha — Fri, 12 May 2006 09:57:23 GMT

Hmmm... I love this quote. Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction." Albert Einstein

Disconnect

Samantha — Fri, 21 Apr 2006 03:32:57 GMT

What you were, never was. What you are, I'll never know. I release myself, of myself. I will not cling to that, which you are not. I will not dwell on thoughts unthought. Disconnect... No regrets. No. Never that. Just, Disconnect... Not to erase Or to delete Or even to forget. Just, Disconnect... Because what you were never was, and what we "were", was just 'hope" And what you are, I wish not to know. I remove you. I disconnect.

A Little History On My Theatrical Experience

Samantha — Mon, 17 Apr 2006 06:46:27 GMT

I have been performing since I was 12 years old. I performed in the International Fringe Festival in Edinburgh, Scotland in August 1997. I received my BA in Theatre and Dance at CSUS where I met a profesor who wanted to start a professional Theatre Comapany called Abandon Productions. We rented a huge warehouse and did all of the construction ourselves to get it up to code for public use. At the same time we performed to bring in the money necessary to survive as a new found company. Our work was primarily physical based Theatre. It was original work created through an improvisational process. We also created our own music in song circles. This too was an organic process. We trained to condition our bodies each week in a bootcamp type fashion focusing on strength, agility, speed and endurance. Staying true to the minimalist style, our bodies and our voices created the props, scenery, and mood. None of our work was scripted. It was through repetition, memory, and the use of a tape recorder to record our music that our original pieces were brought to life. My favorite part of this four year lifestyle and experience was creating music. It was incredibily magical to be in a circle of people, pull a rhythm or melody from somewhere deep inside you, and begin the process of layering harmony and other rhythms to create with your voice what others create with physical instruments. It was truly beautiful. I left the company a little over a year ago. It seemed to loose it's spirit and purpose. A few months after I left I heard that the company was gone. If it exists elsewhere, I do not know. There were only a handful of us by the time I left. It proved to be a very meaningful experience. I grew as an actress and person in ways I never knew I could. I learned to push past my own self perceived limitations. I learned what commitment and work was. I discovered what finding truth in a performance was and felt like. I learned that everything I thought I was had to be stripped away in order for me to be vulnerable enough to play a role. Having learned these things, I am eager to see what I can do in a more traditional role again. However, I find very little challanges in Sacramento. I am currently moving in a direction that will eventually allow me to relocate where the opportunities and diversity in work is greater. I would really like to work in film and television, as well as voice work.

Thoughts that Inspire Me

Samantha — Sat, 15 Apr 2006 02:16:11 GMT

Positive thought creates positive experiences. Negative thought creates negative experiences. Composure is not about putting on a mask. That would be a lie. Composure is a state of mind. It is the breath. It is the calm in the midst of chaos. Everything I have ever done has been a choice. You can understand a thing intellectually. You can analyze it, judge it, theorize it. You can understand a thing physically; emotionally. But only through experience will you understand it in body and spirit. And only through practice can you change. Until then, you don't truly understand it. Push past self perceived limitations