touchy feelie stuff I say. . .

hug your pineapple

junebug — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 14:43:51 GMT

This is something I posted on another site several months ago: (recent metaphor) You are a pineapple. Some people LOVE pineapple. Some people HATE pineapple. Some people break out in little red spots when they try pineapple. Some people have never tried pineapple. Pineapple is just pineapple - not good or bad. (translation - if you need it) Other people's reaction to you are based on them and their likes and dislikes. You are just being a pineapple (yourself). I guess it is best to be around people that like pineapple (you) and being with pineapple (you) and buying pineapple (you) nice presents. OK - scratch that last one. So hug your pineapple - like it or not - its whatcha got. Show up and be yourself. It is hard but its worth it. (The hard part being when you meet someone that doesn't like pineapple) cheers -m

China sucks

junebug — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 03:24:44 GMT

I am really looking for a counterpoint here. Can anyone give me some reasons not to dislike China? Right now I am not very big fan.

Paperhand starts TONIGHT!

junebug — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 15:34:44 GMT

I AM AN INSECT (http://paperhand.org/insect.htm) - the latest Paperhand Puppet Intervention show starts TONIGHT! It runs from Aug 8 to Sept. 7, Fridays-Sundays with shows at 7pm. Pre-show at 6:30pm. Tickets $10. UNC Campus:Forest Theatre (300 S Boundary St) Chapel Hill. You can even volunteer and be part of the show: http://groups.google.com/group/alt.music.chapel-hill/browse_thread/thread/f98725ef532b78f3 If you have never seen it - you really should. It is a beautiful show made by beautiful people.

dive in my bush

junebug — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 01:28:12 GMT

Okay that was unnecessary- but here goes. Watch this: I am voting Republican because. . . http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiQJ9Xp0xxU Bush tours the damage caused by his presidency: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_aEURwsrUSQ

what is my name?

junebug — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 22:12:28 GMT

Apparently I pick up a new burner name every year. I really like Junebug - but have started to entertain the name Butterbean. I think they both capture my sweet/southern nature (Honeysuckle is just too long and toooo sweet). What do you think? Junebug or Butterbean?

angry?

junebug — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 21:48:09 GMT

(this was clipped from a response I wrote to someone's blog) (anger) I believe (but forget on a daily basis) that anger is like revving your engine at a red light. It burns up a lot of energy but does nothing to change the color of the light. I remind myself that anger is an indicator that I need to take action. Anger means there is an opportunity for me to practice something (patience, compassion etc.) It does not mean I am passive. It means I reflect on where the anger is coming from and can I heal the root of the anger or act in a way that is best for everyone involved. I am usually angry when I am afraid of something - and that is usually a fear of looking like a bad person. I am terrified of looking like a bad person. I arrogantly hold the world to a high standard, and when I lose my patience I remind myself that people are doing the best they know how (that includes me) and that they did not get up in the morning and say "I want to be an ignorant asshole today". Even ignorant assholes are doing what they think will bring them happiness. It makes them MUCH easier to be around and reminds me of how patient people have been with me (and still are). -jb

I just read this today:

junebug — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 06:05:11 GMT

"Life is like licking honey from a thorn"

another anniversary

junebug — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 04:56:24 GMT

A lot happened this year with Transformus. I am still sorting out my specific feelings but know that it was another life-altering experience. I am not sure why but my light was burning a little dimmer this year. My demons were getting the best of me. I felt vulnerable and unsure. My goal is to live with an open heart. I did not bring it this year. My conversations with people felt stiff and un-real. For some reason I was not -present-. Transformus is rich with times to connect and share your spirit and love with other people. I regret holding back - mostly because it meant not really embracing the people around me. I apologize for holding back. In spite of this I met some wonderful people -beautiful people with amazing hearts. I go to Transformus to heal, to recover from the world. Everyone has their reasons why they are drawn to Transformus. The hard part is maintaining all of the freedom you have introduced to your soul. The first year I went to Transformus, I made this pledge when I got home to promise to keep growing my heart and deepening my compassion for others. I wanted to include the last paragraph of my first tribe blog to send my wish again into the universe "So I wanted to declare publicly my commitment to growing these seeds of change planted by my Transformus experience. If you are one of the people that showed me kindness and compassion I am deeply grateful and wish you to know that you have changed my life. I hope that you too will be able to embrace a life without fear and shame and that you will have great compassion for yourself that will spread to others. " i love you -jb

the Australian Experience

junebug — Sun, 09 Mar 2008 15:10:24 GMT

I went to Australia last April and have had trouble really expressing the amazing experience that it was. I think what made it such an amazing experience was that it was a vacation from ME. In my daily life I feel pinned down by the expectations of others. Every time I step out of my door feels like a -public appearance-. I never know who I will run into from work and since who I am at work is not congruent with who I really am - it puts me on edge. The funny thing about being on vacation from ME was that I could be myself more (!) I was more relaxed. I was more friendly. I let the real me shine through and I was in love with my being and very relaxed. It was a WONDERFUL feeling and one I guess few people experience. I feel most people are unaware of how conditioned they are and how they are often playing a -role- . I know that I can not live free of responsibility but I am still in search of a way to life my - real- life.

this too shall pass

junebug — Sun, 09 Mar 2008 14:48:56 GMT

(maybe this will be obvious to you. . .) I was recently talking with a friend about the stuff that he had inherited from his deceased parents. He was talking about sets of china that he had no use for but did not want to get rid of and how without children there was no one to pass them on to. I just causally said "Everything we have will eventually belong to strangers (or be in a landfill). Although I have always loved the phrase in Harold and Maude when she says "(all of this stuff is) incidental not integral" meaning that all this stuff is just that- stuff. Somehow when I said the phrase there was a shift in me. I was suddenly aware how much time I spend organizing, sorting, cleaning, protecting,and thinking about my stuff and how I am still very attached to it. I understand why people- give it all away- when they are trying to become more spirtual- stuff takes a lot of energy. I am not so foolish as to say I'll just give it all up - but it has loosened my grip quite a bit to realize the impermanence.

tiny shoes - big nose

junebug — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 02:26:57 GMT

Well, my toes have returned back to their natural shape (see shoe above) after wearing elf shoes for 6 hours at Carnevale. (Most Provocative Male) As some of you know I tied with Michael for MPM title at Carnevale. The votes were screams from the crowd. You may not know why this is important to me except for the obvious joy of winning something. 1. When I dress in costume I often feel I have gone -too far- and have crossed the line from interesting freak to actual freak. Sometimes I actually feel people are intiimidated or put off by my wild selections. So strangers screaming for me and what I had put together took away that feeling of being too -out there-. Also while I was walking around I heard people refer to me as the Most Provocative Male - and suddenly a lot of people wanted to dance with me (yes, mostly girls) 2. When I was in high school I tried not to -stand out- I was a target for a lot of bullying. (I have a study hall incident that really makes a good story) Most of it centered around my feminine attributes. I made an exception in my junior year when I was feeling unusually good about myself and entered our high school Literary Costume contest. This was a HUGE contest. We actually walked across a stage in front of a panel of judges. I was dressed as Cyrano de Bergerac (partly because I had -big nose- issues-Thanks Mom:) and I won first place. I had no idea that I had won until they announced it at a big pep rally in front of the whole school. When they announced it, my friends around me jumped up and cheered and so did a lot of people but there were some seniors that stood up and boo-ed. All I heard was the boos. Can you imagine the shame I felt being boo-ed in front of the entire school. In the moment I had decided to step out of my shell and be recognized I got boo-ed. It was an experience that has repeatedly caused me to hide in shame instead of step out over the years and deepened the shame I have fought to come out of. So to me winning Most Provocative Male is no small event. It is a full circle healing moment. A moment when what I am was recognized. That is a powerful thing. It touches my heart deeply and has re-arranged some things in my soul. Thank you to all who screamed for me and may you too one day feel what it is like to be embraced by a crowd and if not then what it is like to be free from shame. cheers-

local rockstar. . .

junebug — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 18:09:50 GMT

Aren't you lucky to live near and be friends with someone that says beautiful things like this: "So I want to recognize everyone who has ever had the courage to share their opinion or go out a limb by filming themselves and sharing it with us or had the kindness to leave an encouraging comment or reached out to help a newbie figure something out. Community is made up by community members and I recognize that I am only one member of this wonderful community. It wouldn't exist without every single one of us." Thank you Caroleeena for being such a beautiful inspiration and acknowledge the courage it takes to step out into the light. LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what if Mary Poppins was a horror flick. . .

junebug — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 19:42:22 GMT

Check it out. . . http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2T5_0AGdFic&NR=1 (BTW- I tried to post this on my profile and I couldn't. Another glitch on this website that I certainly don't want to -pay- for.)

another reason to give Jimmy Carter a hug

junebug — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 01:20:35 GMT

Did you know that Jimmy Carter installed solar panels at the white house. . .and Reagan promptly had them removed (what an asshole!) I just saw "Who Killed The Electric Car?". Compelling. I hate that the GM EV1s no longer exist. They were HOT. Apparently the technology is still available and I think alternative cars are becoming marketable. (There was even a concept car that was solar powered. Imagine that.)

the hoarding test

junebug — Thu, 22 Nov 2007 03:30:47 GMT

No, that is NOT a picture of MY kitchen. Yes, the hoarding test is from an Oprah episode. She did a show about a lady that had 75 tons of crap in her house. (THE SHOW) http://www2.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/200711/tows_past_20071115.jhtml (THE TEST) http://www2.oprah.com/foodhome/home/repair/home_20071115_hoard_assess.jhtml but there is a lot more info worth reading on the site. Simplifying and clearing out our lives is so important. Why must we have so much STUFF. I know I have TMS (too much shit!) and I am ready to do something about it.

I just took the "hoarding test" and this was the result:

junebug — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 22:14:49 GMT

8–12: Moderate In all likelihood, you have a significant hoarding-related problem. People who score in this range typically find their lives to be impacted by clutter, difficulty discarding or acquiring. You might benefit from working on the problem on your own with a manual such as Buried in Treasures. However, you could also consider working with a mental health professional who knows about the treatment of hoarding I NEED TREATMENT?!?!?!? I scored a 12 on clutter an 11 on difficulty getting rid of stuff and an 8 on shopping too much. Those that know me know that I have been really curbing my habits. I used to be an ebay fiend (who needs a boyfriend when you have a completely stocked costume shop in your guest bedroom?) My goal (and Marce knows that I have been -trying-) is for my home to be a place where people feel welcome and comfortable. My first and favorite is the "chat and chew" which I know is a success because everyone loves to sit there and do both things mentioned. As for the rest -I plan to set a date and have an "open house" that way I will have some accountability. Any suggestions? How about June 7,2072?

What I learned in Graceland. . .

junebug — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 19:20:26 GMT

1. Elvis was GORGEOUS! 2. Elvis was really talented- not just his voice but in movement and his fun-lovinging joyous/generous heart. (despite controversy of the authors of his material) He was an amazing -persona-. 3. He had an AMAZING wardrobe (for a straight man) Most importantly I learned that you can be rich, very gifted, beautiful and still very, very unhappy. So if you think if you were just more beautiful, or more talented or had just a little more money you would be happy - I think you are dead wrong. This is it. Happiness is where you are right now -whether you embrace it or not is up to you. -m

fresh, fatty pies

junebug — Sat, 08 Sep 2007 22:11:04 GMT

fresh, fatty pies the entire essence of my childhood flies buzzin' the parade of family reunion style Sunday lunches where desserts took up three long rectangular tables and the main dishes (usually casseroles of some sort) took up six. fresh, fatty pies. Did someone say chocolate chess?

women in film . . .

junebug — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 23:52:35 GMT

I just posted a video - and was hoping you would try to name all the faces. Here is the list (in order) 80 years of female portraits in cinema - Mary Pickford, Lillian Gish, Gloria Swanson, Marlene Dietrich, Norma Shearer, Ruth Chatterton, Jean Harlow, Katharine Hepburn, Carole Lombard, Bette Davis, Greta Garbo, Barbara Stanwyck, Vivien Leigh, Greer Garson, Hedy Lamarr, Rita Hayworth, Gene Tierney, Olivia de Havilland, Ingrid Bergman, Joan Crawford, Ginger Rogers, Loretta Young, Deborah Kerr, Judy Garland, Anne Baxter, Lauren Bacall, Susan Hayward, Ava Gardner, Marilyn Monroe, Grace Kelly, Lana Turner, Elizabeth Taylor, Kim Novak, Audrey Hepburn, Dorothy Dandridge, Shirley MacLaine, Natalie Wood, Rita Moreno, Janet Leigh, Brigitte Bardot, Sophia Loren, Ann Margret, Julie Andrews, Raquel Welch, Tuesday Weld, Jane Fonda, Julie Christie, Faye Dunaway, Catherine Deneuve, Jacqueline Bisset, Candice Bergen, Isabella Rossellini, Diane Keaton, Goldie Hawn, Meryl Streep, Susan Sarandon, Jessica Lange, Michelle Pfeiffer, Sigourney Weaver, Kathleen Turner, Holly Hunter, Jodie Foster, Angela Bassett, Demi Moore, Sharon Stone, Meg Ryan, Julia Roberts, Salma Hayek, Sandra Bullock, Julianne Moore, Diane Lane, Nicole Kidman, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina Jolie, Charlize Theron, Reese Witherspoon, Halle Berry Here is the LINK: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vEc4YWICeXk and now Men in Film:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRdzkSP9ewY

sites for YOU

junebug — Sat, 01 Sep 2007 13:46:58 GMT

these are some of my FAVE sites: (need shoes for BIG feet? look here. . .) http://www.electriqueboutique.com/womens-clothing/48-1.html (getting ready for the HOLIDAYS?) http://www.santarchydc.com/ (feel like some FOOTIE?) http://www.kodiaksrfc.org/ (planning a HOLIDAY? How about here. . .) http://www.tackytreasures.com/tackyhtml/places.html (visiting SAN FRAN - don't miss. . .) http://thesisters.org/meet.html http://beachblanketbabylon.com/home.html (in the mood for a SUPA-HEARO) http://www.padprod.com/ (feel like running naked with a bunch of MAN-FAERIES?) tp://www.radfae.org/ (need some to sing HAPPY B-DAY to you?) http://screamingqueens.com/

pictures I did NOT take

junebug — Sat, 11 Aug 2007 02:33:45 GMT

I just found a bunch of pics of T-formus memories that I did not capture. Some of them feature Bubble Camp members so see if you can find YOU. It is a bit Where's Waldo? in a few of them. Maybe a little more like Where's Satan? enjoy!

dear Caroleena. . .

junebug — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 03:10:06 GMT

I just re-read my first post after Transformus 2006 and it reminded me of the golden chain of events that has led me here. It reminded me to say thank you to Carolyn. Such a small gesture of saying "You should go to Transformus", meeting at a party and actually finding me a ticket someone was unable to use has totally altered the path of my life. It seems so simple, so insignificant -but I have been profoundly altered. THANK YOU CAROLEENA for putting my feet on this path. (true confessions) Last year was a very difficult experience for me. I was only there Saturday and had to leave on Sunday because it was all too much. A spotlight was cast on how tiny my comfort zone had become. If I was removed from it, I fell apart. I spent a good bit of time crying in my tent and trying to avoid people last year. I was not used to being in a place where I had what felt like no alone time. Many people would may have had a similar experience and just slipped back into there comfort zone feeling justified. I however came to believe that my comfort zone was smothering me - limiting how much I was truly living. When I chose to be alone instead of with others I asked myself "Why?" and it always came down to fear. Fear that people would judge or not like me. Well you don't have to be a genius to know that living in FEAR is leaves very little room for JOY. I couldn't remember the last time I felt real joy. I wasn't really living. I was hiding. The last year has been about me pushing out into the world. I love what S. says about "getting out to be found"(I may have misquoted) but that is the way I feel. I have for so long thought that THE ONLY WAY TO SURVIVE WAS BE INVISIBLE. If you have met me then you know that I am happy pansy and sometimes just opening my mouth invites judgement. I have spent years feeling ashamed. Hiding and going unnoticed has been a survival device. So why do I run around in beaded thongs and pierced horns? Well first of all, after years of being invisible I have a lot of "look at me" that needs to be expressed. Secondly (this is the celebrity/sleeps alone syndrome) I have noticed that being costume you can express and do things that normally you would be too uncomfortable to do. Being in costume puts people around you on notice as soon as they see you that you are there to put on a show and act crazy. A funny side effect I have noticed is this does not always translate to connecting with people when you are out of costume. I have seen people staring at me (in costume) and I stare back. Sometimes they eat it up and sometimes they turn away embarassed. Sometimes they are there to play too and sometimes they are there to watch. When I was at the street fair inSan Fran I thought I would be underdressed. The didn' know what hit them. They were quite entertained. First of all if you have seen me dance. I am having a REALLY good time and second I REALLY want YOU to have a good time too. For some reason it is really important for me to let people know that it is OK to let themselves go and express themselves. I guess because for me dancing has been so wonderful sometimes I feel like it has kept me ALIVE. People really respond to that and it is very inspiring. If you ever dance with me and see me laughing - it is from the sheer JOY that I feel that you are being so brave. This brings me to Katie. It was so wonderful to meet someone at Transformus who also channels so much joy through dance. (sleeps alone) I have to say I thought that expressing this joy would be a bridge to people but have thus far have not found that. Although people show appreciation and admiration it seems to limit true intimacy. You are not a person you are a performer. I guess connecting with people on the dance floor has caused a desire to connect with people off the dance floor and I am a LONG WAY from being good at that. I guess the TRUTH is that I am not the same person on and off the dancefloor and until I am integrated and embrace all of me it will be difficult to connect with others. (in closing) I wanted to include the last paragraph of my first tribe blog to send my wish again into the universe "So I wanted to declare publicly my commitment to growing these seeds of change planted by my Transformus experience. If you are one of the people that showed me kindness and compassion I am deeply grateful and wish you to know that you have changed my life. I hope that you too will be able to embrace a life without fear and shame and that you will have great compassion for yourself that will spread to others. " i love you -jb

trip into the desert

junebug — Wed, 27 Jun 2007 01:08:36 GMT

Recently I went to Sedona, Arizona. I got a chance to climb Cathedral rock. It was beautiful. It was harder to climb than I thought. It looked like a simple climb but every push upward was exhausting (I was blaming the altitude not my fitness level) There were a couple of times stopping short of the top was tempting. When I finally pushed through to the top a strong gust of wind met my face and I literally gasped. My friend and I sat up at the top for a while. It reminded me how important it is to just be outside. It is where we belong.

love yourself. . .

junebug — Wed, 09 Aug 2006 00:17:57 GMT

I have been getting this message over and over lately. It has been popping up everywhere whispering in my ear. I have realized how many people (most people) I encounter daily are broken down by self doubt and a feeling of somehow they are not "enough". I have seen how I numb myself and hide from other's disapproval. Lately, I have been taking it head-on. It has been new for me but also liberating. I am eliminating my old habits that put distance between myself and others and habits that were there to make me "feel whole" but always came up lacking. I feel more solid and stronger every day. I intend to take my mistakes (may they be many) in stride with grace and acceptance. So embrace your worth. I hope you can find a way to feel whole and start from there. Self doubt can be crippling. Some people are afraid of embracing their worth because they think of it as arrogant. Actually loving yourself will bring on great humility and compassion that you can pass on to others because it will be coming out of your ears in abundance. so - love yourself! It will change your life and maybe a small corner of the world too. -m

losing it. . .

junebug — Sun, 30 Jul 2006 15:25:08 GMT

How do you thank someone for changing your life. (Thank you Carolyn!!) I lost my -burning virginity- at Transformus 06. I have come home a different person. My life of fear and shame is over. I know that being around the loving souls at Transformus changed me. At first I thought it was just this loving feeling that would go away once I left the loving community but it has altered the way I see the world. I may not stay in touch with particular individuals and may never see some again and may never go to another burn, but the change is permanent. It has made me realize how much I numb myself and have kept myself a prisoner of fear and shame. I have walked around almost all of my life feeling I needed to apologize for my existence. I hide who I really am from people thinking that it is not good enough. My new way of thinking is the opposite - to be real and accept what may come my way. I will embrace peoples reactions and not take them personally because truly it is about what THEY think and feel. Only when I feel solid inside can I do this. Everyday will be a practice in -showing up- and not hiding. I had a chance to practice this last night at a gay event. There were some people looking down their nose at me and there were people that were being looked down upon. I felt great. I was warm to everyone - the judges and the judged. I did not feel superior - I felt free.I felt compassion for them - felt MORE connected to them not less.I felt empathy for them because I knew they were living in fear and shame.The judges feeling so insecure they have to shame others and the judged agreeing with the shame and feeling small. I felt for them both because I knew what that felt like. It was a new and wonderful feeling to be solid inside. There were some moments of doubt because of old habits. I call this new feeling of being solid: being - in my skin- really present and whole and stable. I have felt this only a few times in my life. Most of them after a REALLY good professional massage :) I fully intend to make this the way I walk through life. I am not so naive to think that I will feel this way all the time and I know that it will take practice. I welcome your support in kind words or similar experiences. It is such a wonderfu feeling it is almost addictive. It is like a high to be so free. A high that I can see is truly good for me and everyone I know and interact with. How can it be a bad thing to expose people to joy and compassion? I was exposed to this freedom about a year ago when a friend of mine came clean about everything he had ever done to everyone. He had lost his first marriage partly because he had been unfaithful. He had a desire to sleep with men and women. When he went into a new relationship he was upfront about everything. At a New Year's Eve party I watched as he was very honest with complete strangers about some of the mistakes he had made and who he really was. As someone living in shame and always trying to put on a good show, it was liberating to see someone so honest and yet still so self assured. So I wanted to declare publicly my commitment to growing these seeds of change planted by my Transformus experience. If you are one of the people that showed me kindness and compassion I am deeply grateful and wish you to know that you have changed my life. I hope that you too will be able to embrace a life without fear and shame and that you will have great compassion for yourself that will spread to others. I love you. . . -m This quote was taken from a research document written by a radical faerie: "It is the gift of those who have awareness to show compassion for those living in fear." Thank you for your compassion.