nymphage : a living thing witch derives sustanence from sexual intercorse.

2:a person sufering from any form of nymphagea. including but nt limited to phyco-nymphagea , agoro-nymphagea , and acult nymphagea.
-----------------------------------------------

dictionary: nymphagea : a condition wer in a person is "starved for sex" .

2: a condition with symptoms similar to malnutrition , witch results from a lack of sexual activity.

-----------------------------------------------------------------


jesus was a jew , who acted like a budist, and looked like a muslim.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


not to say that selling drugs is ok. or to defend it as somthing with any notworthy degree of moral merit.



but "“If you’re a drug dealer you have to target a new audience all the time,” said Garrison Courtney, a U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency spokesman. “It’s Marketing 101 for drug dealers.” "

thats not true. in even the slitest sence. the reason most drug dealers are uneducated morons who wer severly abused as children and have alredy don time before or within a year of when they first started seling drugs, is becals most drug dealers are drug adicts who could no longer aford ther drugs and so they started buying more than they need and seling the extra to ther "freinds" (felow drug adicts that they hapen to know) at an increased prise. drugs sell them selfs. ther is no marketing involved and if ther is then it's not sofisticated , becals anyone who's seling heroin or meth is probubly iether a sociopath with no education, an idoit with no other socil options , or a normal person who's so out of ther gord with the warped perspective that gose along with the severe formes and degrees of adiction.


contrary to what a politition whoartment budget will tell you peaple like in this story are the aberation the rarity that flares out as soon as they realize just how fucked they realy are now that they've done somthing to make the cops notice , monitor , arest , interogate and incarserate them. in that order.


it's somthing that cost less than a nice lunch , makes the entire world seem beutifull for a short wile and the more you use it the more you need it. exactly what the fuck kind of marketing do they think peaple need for a product like that.
thers a reason that cigarets are still popular even thow they can't advertise puplicaly anymore. drugs don't need to be marketed unless thers a government agency controling (not unrealiskly trying to obliterate , but CONTROLING) ther distrabution that the company has to push throo. witch is why pharmisutical companys have to advertise.

how many heroin adicts do you think ther would be if the only way you could get afordable herin was by going to a doctor and prooving that you wer already adicted to heroin? do you thnk ther'de be morew or less ?

and even pharmasutical companys still made a fat profit before they could advertise or market in any notwothy way. it just increased ther profits.

as long as ther is an over abundance of human sufering in the world and an underabundance of accesible solutions to it , ther will always be drug adicts , drugs , and drug dealers, and in any society , they will apear in exactly that order. first the need (or market) then the "solution" (or product) AND THENN the dealer (dealer) .

drugs and ther place in society are not some magical alternate reality that operates by it's own special rules, it's just an extreemly
powerfull thing that folows the exact same rules as everything else, with it's harm to individuals being increesed propotionatly to it's power. just like everything else.





---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


tittle : iron flavored candy.


heven and hell is just a game we play.
to keep the dust away.
to keep time at bay.

everything we wer has been raped.

away
away
away
away

tering at the curtain.
terycloth again.
rejected axe, a shatered thing , a cut that grows and grows.
nick my self and ice my teeth , a biten lip tastes sweet.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

kill all of your dead peaple.

they told me my eyes wer brown.

burn aot a place for your soul

GIVE ME MY EYES BACK

dear liza dear liza

give me my eyes back you whore!

keep all your toys and lock them in closets ,

JUST GIVE ME MY EYES BACK

i'm not one of your boys anymore.
...............................

peaple like me!? what peaple like me ?
ther are no peaple like me. it's just me.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


good biusness men are bad peaple..

.................................

suiside!? well i'll comit that sin wen i sucum to it. :)

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

the reality that you choose is the one that becomes real.
if you want what you said to be your reality, then ceep insisting that it it is true. is that what you prefer your life to be? or would you prefer somthing else.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

i personaly , believe in the mormon RELIGION , becals i think that like most religins it is a construct of god (or godess or diety or whatever). i do not however have or put any faith in the CHURCH becals it is a construct of man. and an espacialy powerful one at that . and history shows that anything that is under the controle of old rich/powerful crackers will folow the path that gives it the most earthly power , a path that is very rarly the path to god. i dowt very much that the leaders of the mormon church are capuble of being obvective enuf to actualy folow the promptings of the spirit untainted by ther own personal biases.
WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT , CONFUSE FAITH IN YOUR CHURCH WITH FAITH IN GOD, AND DO NOT CONFUSE ACTING IN ACORDENCE WITH THE MORMON WAY OF LIFE WITH BEING A TRULY RITCHIS PERSON (OOPS LEFT THE CAP LOCKS ON AGIAN) BECALS THE WORLD IS FILED TO THE BRIM WITH RITCHIS PEAPLE and most of them are not in your "ONE" church.

the church will let you down sooner or later. in the mean time enjoy your self , but don't you dare turn a blind eye to it when you do start to see the hipocrasys of the church, and more importantly don't make your faith dependent on the church, make it reliant on god.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

ya but this time concentrait on establishing equality and understanding instead of trying to eacen the score for somthing that our anseters did to eachuther.
the key is to put difrences in sexuality , gender, life style, race or , religion in the same category as any other difrence (favorite food, musical taste, ect.) instead of inflating them to some false , all important status.

umm ... i've bin awake all night and most of yeserday so i'm not realy sure if that post made any sence or not, within the context. oh well.


...........................................................................

usualy look at a persons soul first, i know that sounds silly, but a ask a silly person a a question.....

but as a convorsation gose on i start to pay more and more atentin to ther tone, ther temperment, ther perspective and ther ... honestly breasts. but that's not realy on perpis, it just sort of seems to hapen that way.

upon proof reading i realise i should clerifie.

i am not atracted to peaple based on ther fisical atributs, i don't care what somones breasts look like.
i am atracted to peaple based on who they are, and on how they are, not what they look like.
but
once i do become atracted to a woman, my eyes start to be drawn twards her breasts.
the more atracted i am to a woman that i haven't had sex with the harder it becomes to not look at her breasts.

frankly , it's embaresing.




>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

to be oposites tow things have to be the same, otherwise they wouldn't be oposites, they would just be tow things that had nothing to do with eachother.
example:
cheese & sofa recliners. nothing to do with eachother.

angels & devils. bothe cristian in origin (unlike cheese). bothe spend a lot of time on cartoons shoulders (unlike sofa recliners).
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

god is my co pilot, but he's drunk as hell, so you beter hope this coke dosn't wer off before tuchdown.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

just becals we can't change it , and just becals ther are worse things going on in the world (that we also canot change) dosen't mean that we should just shutup and take it like good little drones.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

it's funy how when i said that same thing in my own word peaple caled me a loser with no self esteem, and used up old whor in the body of a teen, the last time i said it was ther torture that made me this way they spit in my face and turned me away. i'm dead now ( "thud ump dunp dunp") i'm dead now (back beat gose hevy and the music drops out) and no one can see. i bilt it for you now i'm dead on my feet
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

sigh. i give up ... on you ,on them ,on me.
nobody here is worth it, and the handfull of peaple who i've met that wer still just couldn't learn to reconsile ther faith and thinking for them selves.

fuck you. fuck you all , the hole shit wourld , the me 12 or 13 years ago never would have believed that even the colective stupidity of this earths black hole minds could have rendered my faith in humanity into submition, ... you win.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

ya i'm not sure if mine was actualy all that acurite.
i'm more like the talk all night and chill till everyone else falls asleep and or passes out then then since i have insomnia i can't sleep and thers nobody left to talk to so i just keep on drinking (usualy switching to hard alcohol at this point) and drinking and drinking( i'm a big guy so this part can take a wile) and then i start to get really depresed and i'm not sure what hapens after that but i usualy wake up with what apear to be self inflickted injurys (usualy small cuts or lil burns).

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

i want to expand myself. explor the verity of what a self can be.
i figure the best way to explor the limits and ther by expand my view of the wourld is to see as much of the world as posible. but the problem i keep hiting up against is that werever i go ,whatever i see, if i'm alone then i only see it throo my own eyes . so i still have the same perspective , just from a difrent position. the only way i've found around this is to use my generaly empathic nature to walk along side another and see throo ther eyes. walk a mile in ther shoos so to speak.
i got the idea from documenarys about jornalists who write a store about a subculture (like goth, or surfurs , or even organized crime) and since they can't understand the culture on ther own they get somone to guid them (kinda like when you shadow someone on the first day of a new job). the difrence is i'm not trying to gather matirial to rite a story i'm trying to gather perspective (no mater how seemingly mundane it is to the person who lives it every day) (or how sinational) perspective to build on new parts of a future me. i figure that the more i see the more i will have to draw on when i'm working , wether it's a painting or a sculptur or a really bad poem, i think it will have a beter chance of being original if i have bilt an original perspective to pull it from.

so what do ya say? whant to try it. you know you're intreeged , you know you want to ...Take Me With You?


Diallo wrote:
> Why, what for what do you have in mind you crazy
> artist type
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

art is prity.
exept when it's not.
but even then ...
one of the things i love to do is give my art as gifts to peaple who would otherwise nevr come to be in posetion of a painting or (if it's one of my good ones) a sculpture or to a good freind.
i can't realy aford to do it much but somtimes a piece just screems that it belongs to ... of rather is an expretion of how i see ther "soul" .
paintings are like children, you put a lot of time into them, you creat them from a part of your self, if they're lucky then you even love them, but in the end they have ther own destiny in life to fill and you just have to step back and let them go to the place wer they belong.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
wow man thats like a frickin eco out of my own hed bro.

i go throo the exact same sort of shit man. it's like thers just some part of my brain that just can't exept that i'm realy a likeuble guy. and saying it to my self in the mirror (like a sycoligist once told me to do) just makes me feel like such a fucking tool that it renders any positive efects that it mite have null and void.

i try to deel with it using a three way atack of open brutal self honesty coments and figure my freinds will corect me if i'm rong (partialy efective but it depends on the honesty of the freind and if you over do it peaple who don't know you beter mite mistakenly belive you even thow what your saying is purly a product of your low self esteem runing away with you.)
and second by making sort of the oposite of self depricating jokes : like for example i mite say "well they're probubly just intimidated by my radiant beuty and outgoing personality!" but not in a sarcastic way like saying it in a funy sort of silly holyer than thow self absorbed supermodel kind of voice. or i'll even just joke that i'm a narsisist (that only works if they know you're at least half joking), or one of my favorites if i've bin over doing that type of joke latly is to say "i'm just trying to cover up my dangerily low self esteem by pretending to be overly self asured ," (witch is actualy true) " and then trying to cuver my blatant arigance with low self esteem" the key is that if you can say it in a joke form (even just once in a wile) then eventualy to some extent you will start to believe it a lil , the same theory as the mirror trick only insted of feeling like a tool saying somthing that you haven't yet learned to believe you get to make a few of your closest freind or family giggle a lil ,i know that making peaple laf allways boosts my sence of self worth , plus who knows eventualy you mite start to believe it enuf that you can say it int the miror staring rite into your own eyes from an inch away and say with a grin and absolute conviction " god danm you're sex , if ther wer tow of you i would TOTALY go gay for me!" ... or um whatever you would say ... anyways moving on now. and last but not least just remind your self that if you are realy even half as bad as you think you are then you can't be trusted to measure how bad you realy are.

well good luck. hay are you in the bay area if you are then maybe we could hang out some time , have you ever bin clubing? a scary sounding social situation i know but i've found that goth clubs seem to actualy be very well suted for peaple with anxiety disorders like us. lots of semi dark cosy couch filed areas that you can tuck your self away in if you start to feel over welmed. it's one of the only places in the world wer it's almost More socialy exeptuble to be withdrawn and quite than it is to be outgoing and boysteris.

later

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
TURN OFF'S:

fisicaly: when you can see a womans ribs. shuter. creepy ,

personality: peaple who don't know how to stand up for them selfs, peaple who just fold in an argument/debate , peaple who aren't straitforward about what they want and then get pised that they aren't geting it, peaple who just let you keep doing somthing that pisses them off and don't tell you but insted they just get mader and mader until they blow up at you seeminly out of nower insted of just teling you politly the first couple times you do it

intelectualy: peaple who alway try to bring the world down to a level wer they can understand it insted or raising them selfs up to try and gret a glimps of what the truth realy is, on the same note i don't like it when peaple always need a difinitive answer to questionsand can't just exept inspesifisity or ambiguity of reality/opinion. it's o.k. if you're a lil dum as long as you aren't trying to be that way and see the value in trying to be away other than the path that you have chosen.

misilanius: peaple who veiw me as being abuv them who look up to me or put me on a pedistal in ways i don't feel i deserve it makes me nervis like i think "oh great , now if i screw up i'm gona let them down" .


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

what is it with you peaple and hell today !?

ther is no hell! alrite?

it's just somthing that a bunch of lazy ass churchy prick wads made up a long time ago becals they wer to lazy to just teach peaple to forgive the peaple who ronged them so insted they just exagerated and warped a couple of gods scriptures to make them look like they said "you don't have to wory cals that asshole get his in the end and then thats how you'll have your revenge. becals they knew that the persoot of revenge was one of the few things that could ensire peaple to rebel against ther leaders. and then later on when that stoped working they started using it as a thret to serve the same perpis of keeping the surfs in line. oh and just so you know if you live in the geto, trailer park, have a servis industy job , work in a cubicle , clean anything for a living ,man a register, or just generaly have to wer a name tag then in this aligory you are a mutherfucking surf , one step up from an indentured servent slave.

of corse the main difrence is that your average surf now lives a beter life than your average aristicrat back in the olden day. so shit ain't all that bad.
oh and nowadays the had the reesorses to bild a REAL hell they call it prison and the only peaple who are happy ther are the deemons that they keep ther to torture us, us surfs

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"cry, or do you just keep crying once you start?"

i think thatts a lil easyer for wemen than it is for guys. thers not as much social programing telling you that you shouldn't cry. thers just a sertain age wer insted of showing concern for a boy who crys it becomes more comon to show disaprooval wer insted of being told
"it's o.k. now . whats the mater?" we're told "hay come on now , stop crying , stop those tears, buck up, be a man, what the hell are you doing , quite feeling sory for your self." and so on and so forth. after not to long it just gets programed into your sycy that for a man crying is weak and un-masculen , as a fesult to cry ends up feeling ee-masculating , and espesialy to be seen crying makes one feel weak and pathetic. even for guys like me , who grow up in a distinctly hippy enviorment and are unusualy enlitend at a young age this programing can still take a lifetime to defeet. mutered under breath:("stupid sexist honky bastards , mucking up my brain with ther macho bvullshit")
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

for everything you've gained you've missed somthing,
for everything you've lost you've gained somthing as well.
gain early wisdom , loose a childhood.
loose a childhood gain enlightenment so you can see the darkness of you past beter.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

song lirics by me. i kmow ther bad , but go to hell. unles you can do any beter then you don't have any rite to talk. and if you can do beter then shut the hell up and do it. either way , if you don't like it than shut the hell up.

please look at the scars on my arms.
please look at them. please look at me.
now look at them. now carfuly examin me.
i'm not the carefullest of guys.
thers glass on the floor , and this shirt it keeps on riping.
and it keeps on riping more , and i look like i'm alive but the life ONCE HERE inside of me has now gone out the dore, my soul has long abated me.
i'll never grow up, that makes my childhood a failure.
is this thING realy what god ment for me? or just the way ther constant teasing made me.
and you can tell here from this room that i've bin in far to long that if you give me pills i'll just keep on going crazy.
THE SIHNS HIT ME LIKE A BRICK AND I THINk I'M pushing DAISYS (geting disy).
becals this is how you raised me. and you think that i am lazy , but i'm realy just quite dizzy from this drink that somone gave me.
the drugs that sit inside they did ther part in shaping this lousy broken hart and this defective personality.
a long forgoten body like overgrown shrubery. driving seems to hard afraid that i will kill somebody. insomnia can take a lot of my sad life from me but it can never take my levity , can never take my hart , just crush them both in spite of me (to spite me, or , in front of me)
i never had that inside of me.
i never had that much expt for my insanity , mistaken for inteligence, *my *defective personality.( by defective personalitys. a defect of personality.)
i shrivled at the touch , of love , and of humanity, now ther isn't very much of that *still left inside of me. (of that stuff left inside of me)
and i keep on taking more of my temporary sanity, to few brain cells left to revers what i have done to me.
and i keep on riping more of this temporary sanity , i can't exept this crap that everyone is feeding me.
"the world is so brite" "you'll find your path evetualy" WHY WON'T YOU LET ME DIE AND ROT HERE IN THIS PEICE OF me.
_____________________________

(i wrote this in september of 02 in one of my old note books)
i haven't been writeing very much latly thats not imortant. nothing is. noone is inspiring to me. no one thing no one act of kindness can make me want to be set free from my self induced prison.
it's to danm hard out ther. it's made up of lies and lonlines ... just like in here. so whats the difrence? whats the difrence between home made and store bot ... one just tastse beter. that and i know exactly what whent into this one.
------------------------------------------------------------

you've got to kill your spiders.
you've got to kill the spiders you see.
you've got to kill the spiders.
kill them if they pass before your eyes.

they creep on you at night. they like the dark.
they drane you of your dreams. they have no dreams.

they take the things they can.
suports ther way of life.
a cold and creeping tuch.
these things they love so much.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

if feangernails wer curency...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"and to read it... People need to understand why I wrote it in the first
place."

ya i know what you meen. some of the things i've writen ... ya .... if you didn't alredy know me realy well then you wouldn't be able to put it in the proper context. i think that peaple are able to creat the most profoundly when we are at our extreems , that i think is why most poems are about love or hate , rage or forgivness, rapture or disgust, you don't hear a lot of poems about mild indifrence.

i kind of want to write some poems about the mundane , dispation , or like a poem about a guy/gall that just sort of wonders along , nothing ever touching him, everything just roling of his back or passing him over, untuchuble but on the flip side untouched and in the end in difrent the the realitys of bothe conditions.
...ya that would be awsome

------------------------------------------------------------


i've always wanted to have a stalker. i'd invite them in for tea, then when i didn't have any tea they would try to rape me ... hopfully my stalker would be a woman, or at least a realy girly looking guy, hahhhh, well a guy can dream.

have you ever had a stalker captain erotica?

and the she'd be all like "but i killed them all for you!" i'd be all like " realy? oh well that casts a hole other light on it then." and then we would get maried and go to mexico for our vacation , and i'd wake up in the midlle of the night to find her standing over me with a knife in one hand and a torists kidny ib the other and aftr feeling my sides to make shure the kidny wasn't mine i'd say " danmit is that my good bread knife? OH MY GOD, how did you get that on the plane?" and then we'de both laf and she'ed try to rape me again.

oh well, they say thers somone in the world for everyone, maybe thers somone out that rite now just waiting for me to leave my front dore unlocked. i gess it's those lil happy thots that keep usall going.