I find no solace in the breaking heart.

i know no way around this one. there's gotta be some angel looking over me whispering something like the wind, let it go. let yourself cry. it's so very simple.

but my mind is another story. I've no idea what i want. and it's at the expense of me and all those around me.
i've forgotten who i am.

my lover has left me, and the coldest part is i have blamed myself for it. Even without blame, i feel responsible for the many mistakes i have made. but then i've heard from many an unproclaimed guru that what we focus our attention on is greatly overlooked for the power it holds.

and so i obey no current of the past. i need not fight it either. i just swim in the truth of who i am.

i want to know if i can truly heal this void of voids. (the part of me that still believes there is a hole to be filled from a source beyond my true nature)
where is the magik when you've given your power to somebody else.
where is the forgiveness for yourself when another cannot.
where is understanding and compassion when somebody you have loved deeply has closed their heart to you, when they cannot seem to trust me enough to open up to me. (have i proved myself untrustworthy and too inconsistent.

when it is really over.

and i know it.

I feel depleted. I feel rejected.

but why? if not for my own demons of insufficiency.

dare i relinquish all ties to image/product-based worth.
fabricated uniqueness and elitist tendencies.
the sexy treadmill capitalist
surrenders her throne and in its steed.... a temple of conditionless love and luminous darkness so divine there is light in every emptiness as if it were its very nature.

i seek to relinquish all fabrication and facade, no matter how seductive they can be, and i reclaim my power from these external sources of validation and affirmation, and rekindle this single flame within me for every shadow it may cast and i will dance in the fullness and the emptiness of who i am.
the fool and the tower, the priestess and the moon.

my head is shaved, my heart is aching, and my world is on fire. what more could i possibly ask for?

blessed be