...an entire week of freedom, light, love, expression, and peace. sitting here at the computer helping students, and I flashed on the old job and its attending responsibilities, all its parts and parcels. How I loved all my bodies of knowledge. all my technicalities. my mastery of my domain. and got really teary, all at once. all the old pain came rushing in. so much sadness at my loss. almost unbearable pain, the loss, feeling almost as if I can't live without it, or can't live with ... read more

I noticed today that specifically - and this may be too much information for some people - the obsessive-compulisive voices in my head have, if not absented themselves, then receded significantly. I'm speaking of the little niggling voice that siezed upon a number or word and obsessively traced it, over and over, in a tiny red corner of my mind. It's like I had mental lexicon OCD. Or a word would present itself for grounding, and each letter would be traced over the last, in circular rota... read more

so this is why I go to the gestalt group. Last week my process work resulted in the most amazing feeling...the crazy-making voices are gone. the voices that say you're fat, you're ugly, you're useless, you're insane, you're unable to do anything, you might as well go on disability and give up....those voices. gone. I feel light, I feel calm, I feel present. I feel like a goddamn walking gestalt billboard.

saturday I got up, cleaned my room, my mom and mike got up, we all got ready and... read more

one week of being in bed, sad, depressed, sick. Feeling not making any progress. Keep going around and around in my head about Mel, working myself into a frenzy, knowing she's not spending any energy on me, feeling worthless and dumb and rejected. Charles saw her and they of course bonded -the two high functioning people can get along! I'm just not wanted. Then I torture myself trying to figure out if I should call her, then thinking of all the ways in which I am not worthy (i.e., the wa... read more

and I would still be on my feet
I met a woman
She had a mouth like yours
She knew your lies
She knew your devils and your deeds and she said
Go to him
Stay with him if you can
But be prepared to bleed