HEAVEN'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

Heaven (Paradise, Valhalla, Elyssian Fields, Nirvana,
etc.) would like to thank you for your belief and
patronage. In order to better serve your needs, we ask
that you take a few moments to answer the following
questions. Please keep in mind that your responses
will be kept completely confidential, and that you
need not disclose your name or address unless you
prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
(Note: depending on your deity, your name and location
may already be known.)

1. How did you find out about your current god(s)?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Other Book
___ Television
___ Divine Inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Dead Sea scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near Death Experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Internet
___ Tabloid
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Who?
___ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model God did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Jehovah
___ Allah
___ Just plain God
___ Krishna
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
___ Ra and entourage (Nile Pak)
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ Other ________________
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your god(s) come to you undamaged, with all
parts in good working order and with no obvious
breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes __ No

If not, please describe the problems you initially
encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the
entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to
acquire a god? Please check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed target for rage
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to think for self
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ To piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Enjoy organ music
___ Needed focus on whom to despise
___ Needed to feel morally superior
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Are you currently using any other source of
inspiration in addition to your god? Please check all
that apply.
__ Self-help books
__ Tarot, Astrology
__ Star Trek re-runs
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ EST
__ Television
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggart
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Wandering around in desert
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other:_____________________

6. Have you ever worshiped another god before your
current god? Is so, which false god were you fooled
by? Please check all that apply.
___ Odin
___ Cthulhu
___ Yahweh/Allah/etc.
___ Offler the Crocodile God
___ Lottery
___ Baal
___ Beelzebub
___ The Almighty Dollar
___ The Sunday New York Times
___ Mick Jagger
___ Bill Gates
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ Bill Clinton
___ A burning cabbage
___ Mushrooms
___ Other: ________________

7. The gods employ a limited degree of Divine
Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt
presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer
(circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know - what's Divine Intervention?

8. The gods also attempt to maintain a balanced level
of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of
1 to 5 your god's handling of the following (1
unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):

Disaster:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
1 2 3 4 5 Congress
1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis
1 2 3 4 5 my last relationship

Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 my present relationship

9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1
unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):

1 2 3 4 5 Your current god's courtesy
1 2 3 4 5 Answers to your prayers
1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?

10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions
for improving the quality of your god's and heaven's
services? (Attach an additional sheet(s) if
necessary.)