Hi all,

If you've been reading my blog at all this past year, you probably know that it has been a rough year for me. I am happy to report that it has gotten a LOT better. Why? It's a mixture of antidepressants, exercise, upcoming travel, improved relationships, self-discovery, among other things.

I was really resistant to taking antidepressants. I thought that my depression wasn't that bad, that other people have bigger problems, and that I could fight it on my own. Well, it WAS that bad (I was starting to stay in bed and eschew human interaction unless necessary, even when I was hungry and all I had to do was say hello to someone in the kitchen), other people DO have bigger problems (but that doesn't mean that I should suffer unnecessarily through mine and be even less able to help others), and I tried really hard for several years to fight it on my own, and I was losing the battle. Ironically enough, though I was scared that taking them would make me into a "different person", they make me feel more like myself.

My relationships, as a result, have gotten better. I am not so reactive, so that when people do something that in the past would make me recoil and either become outwardly hostile or inwardly self-blaming (or both), I can now say "Hmm. That sucked. I wonder if they are just having a bad day?", which, 9 times out of 10 is the case. What freedom this is, to not automatically react to what is happening - to have a buffer to think things through first! I am still sensitive, but I have a bit of a cushion. And because of this, and because I now feel happy about being social, my relationships have drastically improved. The bummer about change, though, is that very often when we change and grow as people, our loved ones do not grow and change in the same direction, so I have had to let a couple of very dear people go, as I felt that we were not in the same place. That has hurt me deeply, but I think that in the long run it is better.

I am still working 3 part-time jobs, and still experience the extreme frustration of wanting to contribute to humanity in a concrete way and not knowing my vehicle yet, but I am dealing better with these things, and learning (thanks Loren) that I can't "do it all myself". I am training for either a half-marathon or a 10K, which is something I never thought I would do, with someone that a couple of years ago I could not relate to but has now become a friend.

I am reading a lot about Paul Farmer, and being moved to tears. He is one of the people I most look up to in my life, and I want to live my principles more as a result of his work and philosophies. I want to be able to fight the good fight, even when I know it's a losing battle. I think perhaps I have spent time strengthening myself for this kind of battle - I have been beaten down a fair bit in my life, but I am ready to stand back up.

Meanwhile, I am taking a trip to Belize and Honduras with a friend who is moving across the country. We will bask in the sea, go caving, see Mayan ruins, and visit an organization I am interested in that does microfinance projects in Honduras. I think I will try to volunteer some time there if it would be of service. I will take collections from people who are able to donate.

Thanks to all of you who have given me support in this tough time. Life is not always easy, and we have it easier than most. Be good to yourselves and each other :)

Come see us at the Great American Music Hall! Sat 3/29

Who are we? Maracatu Luta, an offshoot of Bateria Lucha - we are a drum ensemble playing traditional rhythms from the Northeast of Brazil. African-inspired, off-beats and just plain booty-shakin fun.

We will be playing in between sets of LoCura (a blend of Flamenco and Reggae) and Aphrodesia (Afrofunk with Style)

Come see us bang on big drums! Give me birthday spankings!

....spinning fire in the streets and chocolate bacon cake at 4:30 a.m. are just....good for the soul.... :0)

Thanks to everyone who has been supportive, and thanks to Kenrom for giving my arm that gentle twist to get my ass outta the house :)

Happy Sunday everyone!

6:00 p.m.
Friday Feb 22
Room 88, Dwinelle Hall, UC Berkeley

Dahr Jamail has been described as "a young journalist similar to Amy Goodman" and "the only UN-EMBEDDED journalist in Iraq". He is reporting on the state of Iraq and talking about his new book "Beyond the Green Zone: Dispatches From an Unembedded Journalist in Occupied Iraq"

Who's in? I figure we meet up at the discussion and catch some dinner (on the cheap side) near UC Berkeley afterward...