A contemplative structure in mind......

I have been hanging out on the Big Island for a little over 6 months now.....it's been really good........I have lost a lot of myself though....
looking back on me.....I'm an asshole.......so I suppose some things are just better left forgotten......
Now, as I perch above this jungle surrounded computer and fight for my blood with the mass of mosquitoes that seem to want every drop, I can't help but think of how lovely it is to only have this one worry(god it itches!!!) and I think......"Maybe I've got enough Aloha to go back to the mainland and perhaps make a little difference"
but I can't seem to find any reason to go there except to travel along the same paths that I have in the past......I wonder: "will this take me back down to being and falling into assholishness?"
I dunno......I'm about ready to fly somewhere though......
As I have been literally masticated over and over again here, I have been repeatedly brought back to what is perhaps the most crucial and abruptly devastating fact of life......my ego is a poor, poor reference point in the universe.
this seems to be devastating only to my ego......
I am actually quite ecstatic lately..... but the funny thing is that I kinda don't exist to me anymore....???....
it's like I'm happy but it's not me?
and whenever I feel as though I am getting overwhelmed by something.....it's like a new reminder resurfaces inside of my consciousness and I simply touch a part of my being that is truly the only "permanent?" aspect of creation itself.....
this brings it all back home and then....
I have nowhere to go but here.....
plans have changed....I expected(har har) to be here for a couple of months and then leave back to work on the mainland....
still here 4 months later and not leaving tommorow.....
I recently(last year) had an immnsely disturbing time with a woman named Emily who now accuses me of basically brainwashing her and lying to her whole family....that was awful.....when we parted...I was the dumb one.... I thought that what she said was true"I love you I will be with you again etc. etc. etc." but what was said couldn't have been further from the truth....she only said those things to get rid of me I figured out sometime later(like last week)
Spent a hardship filled winter with my grandmother who was laid off before christmas and when christmas and the holidays were over.... I couldn't take anymore.....I flew to the big Island.....on my way there I met this nice girl named Carolyn in Berkely.....we later resumed interactions romantically in Hawaii.........she's cool but we weren't so cool together..... and the same symptoms of taking the chance to say things that hurt and on and on that happened with Emily resurfaced.......this signaled to me that "I must be the one with the problem right?"
Well, all I can say is that I decided to take responsibility for just me and not blame my issues on anyone else......
so I told Carolyn I didn't want to be her boyfriend and she was disappointed.....ok no problem...we all get disappointed sometimes....
So I finally got a place to myself where I could just be and nobody could tell me to get out except the landowner......no problem....
then i got itchy feet and moved out on my own..... this was strange but it worked out well stayed at a friend's for a while then went to the Waipio Valley for a few weeks.....
When I got back.....I was with a really amazing woman and......I fell for it again!!!!
but this time there was *none* of the same bullshit that seemed to literally permeate my entire life thus far......
As we spent our time together, she thoughtfully showed me what she meant when she told me that she loved me.....
This telling I found to be incredibly and entirely true......
in return to this love I also came to love her very much in many sacred as well as fun and playful ways.....
So many things that I had always told myself that I believed were actually manifesting into experience between her and I......
Now I don't have to tell myself....it's like it's engraved upon the stone of my soul..... thank-you thank-you thank-you thank-you.......thanks again......ummm right.....
anywho.....she had a previous love and even though our connection was strong, we both agreed that it would be bad form for us to abscond without a trace and so we packaged up our love and she shipped off to the mainland.......
We still talk about every couple of days.....I'll probably be seeing her in a little while.......I hope!
As the story goes, I don't want to even tel anyone too much for fear of the destructive power of revealing such matters in depth.....
I just had to get it out a bit somehow......
Silly man in love.....
Aloha~

dot dot dot...

I'm flying...
pillars of wind....
the soaring bodies of air....
pan-opalescent prisms shining.....
energetic themed arches racing out of my mind....
organic fluids settling me curious.....
greeting nowness....
Quartz focusing wave-lengths.....
impermeable hourglass void of grain..........
still in motion......
the inner swirling........
dervishes of light.....
the silent choir........
intimate secrets.....
leading towards the one....
~0)*(0~

pass it on....

HEY PASS THIS ROSE OF FRIENDSHIP TO TEN PEOPLE YOU DEEPLY CARE ABOUT AND IF THEY SEND IT BACK TO YOU THEY CARE FOR YOU THE WAY YOU CARE FOR THEM
.......... , . - . - , _ , .......
......... ) ` - . .> ' `( .......
........ / . . . .`\ . . \ ........
........ |. . . . . |. . .| ........
......... \ . . . ./ . ./ .........
........... `=(\ /.=` .........
............. `-;`.-' ............
............... `)| ... , ........
................ || _.-'| ........
............. , _|| \_, / ........
....... , ..... \|| .' .............
....... |\ |\ , . ||/ .............
.... , ..\` | /|., |Y\, ............
..... '-...'-._..\||/ .............
......... >_.-`Y| ..............
.............. , _|| ...............
................ \|| ...........
................. || ..........
................. || ...........
................. |/ ...........
IF DEY DONT DEY DONT CARE BOUT U!
AND U COULD SEND IT BAC TO DA PERSON WHO SEND IT TO U!

waht did he say?

Can you raed tihs? Olny sxey poelpe can.

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

if you can raed tihs rpsoet it !!

a here and a here

Where is the morning light? see here how it shines from the west?
compare that to yesterdays and find it out tommorow. Live today and thanking the I sooooooo much for this day super fly flowers color tones of mist colored realms of intensity through shades of mesh
pixelated formulas creating bliss flowing fountains drowning fears in love and particles of light water.
Much more in store as doors swivel and stand for multifaceted in-out mind-soul passing forth the force as the gland opens frightening resting darknesses as expanding bliss and the blessed become all one holy change erupts from the center of all beings in harmony freedom from the one fear of loss of fear for safety's sake. Does thisform the formless? what is void? what is change?.........~^*^~