joined on 12/06/09
last updated 04/29/11
Really Really Bad Advice: tribes.tribe.net/antcrabby
Private writing group for those infected & affected by HIV/AIDS. -see instructions below.
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"Want to come up and see my etchings?" -a familiar cliche written by both Thurber & Hammet, popularized in many forms by Mae West. ... This is a private tribe of collected gay erotic drawings
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Each game of chess means there's one less variation left to be played. Each day got through means one or two less mistakes remain to be made. ~ Andersson & Rice
My best Personal Ad once read: ... Looking for that special man with full wit, full pantry, full library, full woodshed, full leather, and full imagination; hibernating in a cabin under 35' of CO snow! -Oh, and it wouldn't hurt if he were a Gracie Allen fan and a backgammon whiz with a passion for holding hands.
***
If you are not single and available, don't even THINK about contacting me on that level! I only do what I intent to keep. Life's too short and too precious to do otherwise.
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A man of simple needs and desires, I'm often out of my time and element. I've actually read a book or 30 and appreciate the forgotten art of letter writing. I don't drive -never have. I prefer homemade over pre-packaged. Stormy weather over sunny. Night over day. And I still believe in God... in good men... in good women... in good... and in love.
Party circuit friends or picture-perfect husband don't interest me much. My needs are only what it takes to get by: a dry roof, good food and warm emgaging company. That's not to say I don't dream big, yet anything more guilds the lily. Some suggest a price for such simplicity, but there's a cost to all that chasing also - one I am not willing to pay.
I will never understand racism, ageism, ability or gender discrimination; why would I limit my life by eliminating whole segments of people from my experience? At such a time as we are all energy in the light, which one of those delineations will still matter? And once one realizes this, why would I behave with such arrogance and self-denial in this life? Why would I rob myself of whole segments of the wonder we are given? Hebrews 13: 1-3: Remember always to welcome strangers as family. For in so doing, some have entertained angels without knowing.
Career? If I had one, I had 10. -Many concurrently, as the things that most interested me did not 'pay the rent' -if anything at all. In no particular order: antique dealer, lumper (unloads semi's), death&dying/substance abuse counselor, truckstop waiter, MCC Deacon, boardinghouse landlord, writer/reporter for gay rags and MA DPH, Neighbourhood Council member, rental agent, baker (to this day, I eye rumcake w/suspicion) ... Well, you get the idea...
My experience is perhaps best summed up in James Kirkwood's description of his antagonist in "PS Your Cat is Dead," ...
"...survived more than his share of scrapes. Humpy in an off-beat scroungy tom-cattish way, he has done and will do anything to get by. Despite a tacky life and a wise-guy toughness, he is an optimist, a part-time romantic and a congenital fuck-up, but with flair and unique style."
I fell in love with Omar Sharif at age ten and have always prefered older men. I have since discovered a major flaw in this fetish, however. The older *I* get, the fewer of *them* there are. BUT if one has no idea who Gracie Allen is, we probably wouldn't fit.
A calm soul with whom to share a bucket of berries/beer in the dark of hot July nights... an impromtu Chinese dinner at home with movies... hot chocolate & watching a snowstorm with no particular place to go... holding hands for no particular reason... a quiet smile that says everything I will ever need to know... Now, that is my idea of heaven!
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Diagnosed hiv+ 28 June 84, I have lived 26+ healthy years and plan to continue to do so, as I have the best/most extensive health care of anyone I've known in co-hosting an internet chat on the issue for 10yrs. Both my partners remained negative, so I know -in practice & not mere theory- how to play safe'n'sane with neg/poz partners. While we're on health: I'm a smoker with no plans to quit -though I can make compromises. (actually, I've switched to electronic since 11 Aug 11) I only rarely drink and have no problems relating with social drinkers but I prefer respectful limited indulgence. I've had my share of 'bourbon cowboys' and have not the strength or inclination to go there again.
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I have had two great relationships. The only similarity in them was that I knew, from the moment I first saw his eyes... Yes, I believe in love at first sight. And I knew in the touch, without it there could never be anything real. Yes, I believe in love... Monogamous. Commited. Unconditional. Lucky enough to have realized it twice and filling a combined 30 years, a third might be pushing my luck but that won't keep me from trying and hoping.
In love, I value two things above all: fidelity and honesty. Issues w/ fidelity are obvious. Honesty: Beyound simple truth, sharing the good/bad, difficult/easy. No holding back. The most painful experience in life is to be lied to -and then to discover it. My only regret in my first 50 years is the pain created by, and the price paid for, lies -both the deliberate and the lies-of-omission. Without knowing (and since Day One), my life was ruled by some mighty whoppers.
I am SO ready to move on to "my next thirty years." I cannot deny, I've had my fill of "my favourite waste of time" and now desire marriage-material. At the same time, I am satisfied with the joy life has given me -enough to patiently await the next wonder.
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Life is not tried, it is merely survived, if you're standing outside the fire.
~ Garth Brooks
Daddy Comfort
aka Yves Comfort St Michael
Here in this place, we are flesh. Flesh that weeps, laughs, dances barefoot in the grass. Love your flesh, love it hard. Yonder, they do not love your flesh.
Oh, my people... they do not love your hands. Those they only use, bind, tie, chop off and leave empty. Love your hands! Raise them up and kiss them -and the beat, beat, beating of your heart, more than the lung that breaths fresh air.
Let your mothers hear you laugh. Love your heart, that is the prize.
Love your heart!
This is the prize.
Alleluia... Amen.
~Preacher Baby Sugs, in Toni Morrison’s “Beloved”
""Starbucks" -borrowed from the Daily Groaner"
"Springfield's worst kept Cajun secret."
"For years, voted amoung the Valley Advocate's BEST"
***31 July 10
And God Created New Jersey ...
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.
Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's New Jersey , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from New Jersey are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "Not very far from New Jersey is Washington , DC ... Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
***24 July 10
Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS. NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED. SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS……
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS
*** 22 July 10
Then there was the time I came downstairs that morning I found my lover in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast
for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that he normally sleeps in.
As I walked in, almost awake, he turned to me and said softly, "You need to make love to me this very minute!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced him and gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards, he said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove pulling his over-sized T-shirt back down.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
He explained, "The egg timer's broken."
***11 June '108888
A coworker stormed into my friend's office, yelling, "Did you tell Joan I was a bitch?!"
Stunned, my friend sputtered, "No! I don't know how she found out."
****01 June 10
A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators when the
clerk said, "Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's
our most realistic model."
The woman said, "You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's
penis?"
"No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it
goes soft for the rest of the night."
****7 May '10****
Sam and Greg lived in a retirement center and were sitting on a bench under a tree when Greg turned to the Sam and said, "Sam, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Sam says, "Well, I feel just like a newborn baby."
Greg Said, "Really! Like a baby!"
To which Sam replied, "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think
I just wet myself."
***5 May '10*****
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"
A woman sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
***19 April '10***
"Scientists have claimed that toads can predict an earth-quake, and they will flee five days before it strikes. So if you're ever stuck on the San Diego freeway behind a long line of toads, you're screwed." -Jay Leno
****13 April '10****
MAKING IT STIFF
To make it Stand, You Wet it !
To make it Wet, You Suck it !
To make it Stiff, You Lick it !
To Get It In, You Push it!
Damn!!!! I was threading a needle... WHERE was YOUR mind?
**** 24 March '10 """""
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grand-
mother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the
other kids for a while when he came into the house and
asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people
sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him
the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play
with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in
and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual inter-
course. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to
talk to you.'
***12 March '10***
Definition of 'California Optimist': One who honestly believes that when the Big One hits, the REST of the country will slide into the ocean.
***09 March '10***
A lady walked into a pharmacy & spoke to the pharmacist.
She asked: "Do you have Viagra."
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," He answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked
"I can if I take two," he answered.
***25 February '10***
(... and now one for the perverts amoung us - no names, of course)
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality. Whispering......
Dave ...............
Dave.........
DAVE........
..........you're a f*#ken vet!
***23 February '10***
My husband and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we're in bed.
I turned to him and said, "Do you want to have $ex?"
'No,' he answered.
Then I said, "Is that your final answer?"
He didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
... and that's when the fight started...
***01 February '10***
Good News: satellite photos over Iran reveal that they are building and it's not a centrifuge to make a nuclear bomb.
Bad News: They are building another Starbucks.
*****27 January 2010*****
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the Soup du Jour,
the Englishman was a bit dismayed.
"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
(Most of these come from an ezine I subscribe to for over 15years, The Daily Groanerm available @ www.gophercentral.com/. They are the sort of jokes your Dad used to tell and you'd hope your friends didn't come down too hard on you.)
****16 January 2010****
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world..
I told them to F… off !!
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
****15 January 2010****
A man is in the supermarket yelling "Crisco"! as he wanders, seeming aimlessly, up and down the aisles.
Finally, a stockboy is inspired to point out: "Sir. It's on aisle three".
The guy says, "No. I'm not looking for the cooking oil."
The employee says "Well then, what are you looking for?"
The guy says, "I'm looking for my husband. At home, I call him "lard ass." In public, I try to show some respect.
****07 January 2010****
Hollywood Squares:
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (audience laughed so long it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q.. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q.. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
***3***
A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.
The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?'
Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
The little boy answered : 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'.
Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'.
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?'
Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'.
Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'.
A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.
Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?'
The boy ask, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Gramps replies , 'Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass'.
The little boy replies, 'Then go fuck yourself'. Grandma made these for me'.
***2***
Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea.
It doesn't enhance sexual performance but it will keep your biscuit from going soft...
***1***
It is near Christmas school break. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless and it is near the end of the day.
Teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly, can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".
Teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could speak, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". Teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD that Susie answered first.
Teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could say aything, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". Teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD.
Then when teacher turned her back, Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".
The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! SO, CAN I GO NOW?"
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