I hear the drums echoing tonight
But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation
She's coming in twelve-thirty flight
Her moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation
I stopped an old man along the way
Hoping to find some old forgotten words or ancient melodies
He turned to me as if to say: "Hurry boy, it's waiting there for you"

It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
I bless the rains down in Africa
Gonna take some time to do the things we never had

The wild dogs cry out in the night
As they grow restless longing for some solitary company
I know that I must do what's right
Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti
I seek to cure what's deep inside, frightened of this thing that I've become

It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
I bless the rains down in Africa
Gonna take some time to do the things we never had

the mind loop or 'god-paradox':

is an archetypical language connected to my mind (and everyones?)

is about love / fear

is about feeling / thinking

is about heart / mind

the nature of of the paradox is that we are One With Eternity and also In Time

it is like we (god) are asking the question, 'do you (separate self-sense) want to be one with all of creation?' i.e. to live in unification. in fear, the separate self-sense will say no, in love, the separate self-sense says yes. the ultimate answer to the question is yes, but there is a high degree of 'no' before reaching the ultimate 'yes'. i.e. there is a fear and also love. i.e. the notion that 'it is all good'. i.e. the mantra 'truth is love, truth is light.' jesus is love, jesus is light.

the experience has varying degrees of intensity for me, and when it first started happening it was the worst, because i was experiencing the height of my own and other's fear, and i didn't see that the ultimate answer was yes. after i had been through my first experience of the god-paradox or mind loop, i began to understand that the answer is yes. the mind loop has happened to me a fair number of times now (around 10-15, different degrees of intensity) initially on 1/1/2004. after experiencing it enough, i began to see that the answer is yes, is love, so that when i am in the loop, i am able to be more relaxed with my fear (mind?). one time during the mind loop, the mantra 'relax' came to me, i think because i was in need of help. 'relax' is the mantra because it is the way to approach life. since the ultimate answer to the question of 'do you want to be one with all of creation?' is yes, we can be relaxed while we are in time. when i first got into this loop, i thought that the answer to the god-paradox, 'yes', had to be resolved that evening. now i see that the answer is to relax, that in time we will reach the ultimate yes.

what i am seeing now is that this experience might be thought of as a mind loop. it seems to happen when i am not so present with my thought process, and my mind takes over the show. ultimately, my mind knows the answer is yes. but often, i think what happens is that i end up sitting in the confusion for a long time, sitting in a cycle between feeling fear and feeling love, feeling relaxed.

the key, whenever this experience happens, is RELAX. i remembered this last night, but i still got stuck in my mental confusion for a long time.

it is about heart and mind. when we residing in the heart, we are relaxed, trusting, and loving. when we residing in the mind, we are stressed, doubtful, and afraid. i have felt in past god experiences that the women around me generally get the heart part of things more, and that the men usually have more work to do in order to not reside in the mind (i have the work to do to). last night, matt expressed deeply to me that he would like me to do the ceremony with the grand space family. i asked him if his invitation was at all based in fear (mind). he said it was not, but i think that there was some degree of mind involved. some degree of fear, stress, or doubt. during the ceremony, i began to feel that there was some key to matt understanding that it is about love, feeling, heart. i was sitting between matt and laura, and at one point i lay close to laura, because i felt that she understood that it is about love, feeling, heart. for a while there was a communion and it was very sweet. i began to hit a pocket of fear related to how i wasn't being authentic and open with some areas of my life. i sat up and purged suddenly. i had what was the most intense purge i have ever experienced. it was gutteral, visceral, such a deep cleansing.

after my experience last night, matt and i talked for a while. he said something that was key for me, he expressed that he has thought deeply about zeus and how the decisions around zeus were coming from fear. i had felt this so strongly during my experience, that there was great fear around zeus (i.e. matt and gayle wanting to put him down), and that i had always seen that it was about love. in love, we want to allow beings to exist freely. in fear we want to control, destroy, make decisions from our mind and not our heart. the fact that matt's experience focused much on zeus indicated to me that it was that we were having a shared experience.

when i have experienced my mind in the mind loop it has felt like everyone is having the experience, but often i come out of it questioning this, because there are so many specific details to my experience that no one is aware of. but everyone knows about the mind on some level, because we are all one. so if i am in fear, the entire room feels it on some level. when i have had the mind loop god paradox experience, there is always the perception that this reality is an interconnected story, that it is all orchestrated, a symphony of elements that are interwoven with each other. a key for me here seems to be in investigating what it feels like for others when they are caught in a mind loop. i feel this would help me to see if i am simply not meditating enough before engaging with things like plant medicine, and also, how others deal with the fear that happens when they are having an intense psychedelic experience and their mind is not relaxed. what is the mind loop like for others?

last night i felt that i saw something about how matt (me, mind) was in fear, about zeus, and about having me be in ceremony. there was a pivotal moment where i took the rose that laura had given me and gave it to matt. this was profound, because this moment in the story was expressing the answer to matt: LOVE (this is how i felt, anyway). i remember giving him the rose and feeling that is was really SO SIMPLE. the moment felt like a major moment in the story. i had a lot come up about how it was so essential to be self-directed, to know one's own truth in any given moment and when deciding to engage with the medicine. matt has confronted me before about when i am in indecision, and i feel like there is some level where he doesn't want to relax and accept that i am in indecision, love and accept things as they are.

when i am in the mind loop, i am always aware that reality is a show. moments have a cinematic quality, everything feels scripted and beautifully interrelated as in a film. i often feel that i am very central in the show. i think this is because i perceive myself as being very highly aware, even from my mind. i get that it is about love. i always feel like i am in an epic warrior engaged in the process of becoming one with all of creation, of saying 'yes' to existence. i wonder though, how others deal with their minds, because it seems like many people are more naturally relaxed in psychedelic experiences. i feel like my mind is so aware of the cosmic nature of things, and yet it is also the thing that is in fear? i feel like i tap in to complete understanding of the Big Picture. yet clearly there are moments where i am not relaxed at all, and keep going back and forth between fear and love.

i feel that a key for me from this experience is self-direction. i was feeling regret for having chosen to drink when i wasn't feeling relaxed about it. i made the decision partly from mind after hearing matt's mind implore me. my experience was very difficult. i was resisting for much of it. at one point i prayed so deeply for self-direction, and this was associated with my move to california. self-direction, self-truth. i was suffering, and i was able to deal even though it was extremely difficult, and on some level i blamed matt. but ultimately it was a blessing in that i felt on some deep, deep level, i was receiving powerful guidance to become self-directed, self-knowing, clear about myself.

for me the mind loop happens as a result of a drug experience. so there is this story (archetype) that goes along with it about drugs and judgements about people who use drugs. when we are loving each other we can embrace and be open to understanding what we are being shown through the drugs. when we are afraid and in judgement of each other, we are unwilling to understand, and we make laws based on fear (that prohibit drugs).

often from the mind loop drug experience, i come out feeling that my approach wants to be more grounded in meditation, body practice, breath work (i had a moment where i felt i was resonating strongly with amy rachelle, in the sense that one does not need psychedelic experiences to become present and aware. for me, i also feel like i am at a point where i have learned much from psychedelic experiences, where i am happy focusing on meditation). this is partly why i have felt so drawn to massage therapy, because my work with computers has helped me to cultivate my mind, and i want to cultivate my body. it remains to be seen how i will choose to cultivate my body, and how big of the picture massage therapy is to me. i do not want to set aside my gifts around film, writing, music, animation, narrative storytelling in order to work solely with the body. but i do want to find balance, and balance for me is about body work. i feel it is probably true for me that massage therapy is key, because i want to create a reality where i am very much in my body. other body practices will become increasingly relevant: breath work, yoga, tantric practices, martial arts, capoiera, dance. the question for you is to look at which practices will fit best with your life style. how can we became greatly ingrained in the body and also give much attention to our gifts of film, writing, music? music is in the body, but DJing can be very mental. Visioning is in the body, but can also be mental. Writing can flow from the body/heart but can also be mental. Would working as a massage therapist ground me in the body? What would be the most satisfying and wonderful way for me to live a life grounded in the body? Is the key related to making body work at least half of my lifework? Or is there some way to simply work as an animator / musician / writer and be grounded in the body THROUGH that work. Is there a form of body work besides massage therapy that excites me more than massage therapy as a way of regularly become body-grounded? What other forms of work might help me ground in to the body? I have realized that massage therapy training is key even if I don't work as a massage therapist, because the training alone will ground me very deeply in to the body. The only thing that is preventing you from doing this is fear -- fear that there isn't enough time to do all the things that you want with your life. Matt once expressed to me that most people who studied massage therapy didn't do anything with it, and for me this plucked the strings of my fear, or so it felt. You can study massage therapy and also do everything else that is important to you. What work could we do in the mean time that connects us to the body? The reason I have looked for work that connects me to the body is -- work is livelihood, a big part of my time. the work i have been doing has been very much in the mind, not the heart. it hasn't been work i've wanted to do. so working for / on animation that is totally heart-fulfilling will absolutely ground you in the body, along with body practice. Living from the heart is the key to the unfolding of balance. I considered working at Cafe Gratitude because I know that I love raw food and this would be an environment where I would work from the heart. The other option is to work for animation in a way that you absolutely love, to create visionary animation as work. I am feeling now that massage therapy training is the way to go. Create a way to work for visionary animation now and also study massage therapy as a key to your higher transformation. It remains to be seen which program will be best for you. The key is FEELING out the school / program. Other areas where I would like to train deeply in body awareness relate to Tantra, Conscious Love / Sexuality, Breath Work, Capoeira, Gyrotonics, Music / Drumming. You want to connect with TJ Bartel and the study of tantra.

the mind loop is part of time. i have begun to see that we are at a pivotal moment in time, and i feel it is related to 2012. the golden age that is upon is (i believe) the return of christ-consciousness to the planet. here, the archetype gets incredibly beautiful. i have had experiences of tapping in to the absolute wonder and pure bliss that is the nature of reality, that is our birth right. the moments of tapping in to the this always seem to relate to the increase of light in my perception. we are beginning to see that this reality is our design, that it is up to us to choose what we want to create with it. we are going to see this and live with this awareness in a golden age, and the creation of this reality is based on the ultimate collective choice for love over fear. i had a moment laying with laura where the wind wand came to me so strongly, and i felt blessed for its vibrational reminder. i was thinking about 2012, and i had a vision of the golden age -- laura and i were standing standing in a field, looking up at the stars, playing wind wands in harmony and communion. knowing that truth is love, we celebrate existence.