A Bun in the Oven!!!

Well, it’s been a long while since I’ve written anything here. You could say life has been really good! Since marrying I have been immersed in this new life. It’s such a deep feeling of contentment, respect and affection that I now know, I truly never knew just what LOVE was before I met my wife. With each passing day the bond between us strengthens. Neither of us has yet to feel under the shadow of the other. We are very, very happy! Also, we still make a lot of people “sick.” LOL

This is not enough for me to post about though. I mean; I sort of reserve this “blogging” for life changing events. Looking back, it sure seems I had a fair number of them in 2006!

After months and months of simply growing in a new direction, enjoying my relationship and learning more and more about my wife, I can now say I have a “life changing” event to post about.

I’M GOING TO BE A DADDY!!!!!

My wife is a little over 7 weeks pregnant. We both so excited! I can’t even begin to write about how I feel! If I tried, I’d fill pages and pages with descriptions, dreams and hopes for the future!

We’ve still some serious stages and testing to get though. There are some serious risks at having a baby past 40. In a few weeks we take a CVS test, which in itself is risky, to learn of any chromosomal abnormalities. We’re keeping a positive mindset though, and we’re preparing for nothing but the best news possible.

OK, we’re also being realistic and have discussed our options if things are NOT OK with the baby. I mean, what IF it doesn’t have a brain or some other calamitous defect? We have to be ready to face the difficult decisions as well.

In the meantime, we’re both growing more and more thrilled at the prospect of a child. She’s wanted to “have my baby” since we decided to marry. In fact, we went to the OB BEFORE we married to talk about the prospects, learn the risks and see what we could do to ensure getting pregnant. Needless to say, the Docs advice worked! LOL

Right now, both of us are in very good health. A nutritious diet, exercise and plenty of sleep have us in great shape. We’re ready and prepared for being “older parents.” In fact, she is the third generation of women in her family to have children in their 40s! Both her mother and grandmother had two sets of kids! One set in their 20s, and then a child in their 40s! It’s a family tradition! LOL

We’ve been reading a lot about babies these days too! Especially me, I am learning as much as I can. I’ve found some great, week-by-week calendars that detail the changes to both the baby inside and the mother. I’m also doing as much as the food preparation as possible. I’m trying to make sure she gets as many of the essential vitamins and omega 3 fatty acids as I can! Thankfully, she’s been very happy with everything I’ve made so far! I love it!!

Anyway, I have, of course, begun a photo series of this stage. There’s even a little countdown slider to help me keep track of how many days are left until THE BIRTH! (Which is December 7th!!)

It’s called “A Bun in the Oven,” and be seen here: flickr.com/photos/darte...600069233091/

Then the eagles screamed...

Today we did it! We married a little after 3PM. For weeks now, since August in fact, we’ve been planning on marrying up here in beautiful north central PA. We didn’t tell anyone except one or two people. We just wanted to get married and not make a big fuss or spend time trying to get everyone’s schedule in sync. A simple, straight to the point ceremony is all we wanted. We figure we’ll throw a party in the Spring or Summer when people are all available.

We made arraignments for the Mayor of Mansfield, Thomas Weirbowski, to wed us at the Veteran’s Gazebo on the outskirts of town at 3:30PM. We drove past at 3 to see if he happened to be there early. When we saw him there, in his car alone, we stopped and asked if we could do it right then.

So, while the wind blew it’s cold precursor to winter and the sun played hide and seek with us we were married. Exchanging Navajo made rings of silver set with earthy stones in a pattern called Native Earth, we are now husband and wife.

I have never done anything with such clarity of vision and desire in my entire life; something she said to me as well. I know it’s only been four months but I just know in my soul, in my heart and in my mind this is where I have been struggling to get to all my life. I am complete.

Soon after we married we went to this location we’d spotted the day before to do a wedding photo. In fact, we spent a good deal of this day just driving around, enjoying the stunning beauty of the landscapes and taking self-portraits. What a magical weekend it’s been.

Not too long after this photo was taken, two mated bald eagles flew over us and screamed. I believe that is a good omen, especially in light of our rings.

Breathe out so I can breathe you in...

At the beginning of September we’d planned a 6-day hiking trip into some of the more remote and scenic parts of Central PA. The plan was to backpack in and simply spend days relaxing and exploring the wilderness at our leisure. I knew this would be a perfect and memorable time to propose so I spoke to my family about it. Everyone loved the idea! My mother gave me an antique ring that had been in the family for a while, which was a pleasant surprise.

My plan was simple; carry the ring in with me, wait for a perfect sunrise/sunset or scenic view and then do it. (Propose I mean)

Well, tropical storm Ernesto sort of caused a change of plans. It was going to rain around 4 inches in the area we were heading into on the first day or two of the planned trip. We decided to delay and spent the two days basically “hiding out” in Pittsburgh. It was really great; we went for walks, shopped, visited art galleries and dined out. No one knew we were home so we didn’t have to be anywhere or meet anyone. Ahh… no schedule!

Eventually the weather broke and off we went. Now we were just going to “car camp” and ramble around PA randomly. Eventually we ended up in a very secluded part of the Allegheny National Forest, a place I know very well. The camping was perfect as we had a very private spot that was surrounded by wildlife and not ONE manmade sound or light to be heard or seen. Perfect…

At one point we were hiking along, exploring these gigantic rock formations. It’s almost like a lost, abandoned city, very scenic and mysterious. We made our way almost 4 stories up to the top of some of the larger boulders. It’s a special spot for me as I have been going there for years. I have found to be very peaceful and a place where I can “recharge” my soul and mind.

I suddenly knew this was the place, this was the time.

Of course, being a photographer I wanted to capture the moment. I set up the tripod, saying I wanted to take some images of the two of us together. Not an unusual request considering what I do…

I then went up to her, went to one knee and asked her to spend the rest of her life with me. I promised to be a good husband and told her how much I loved her.

She said…

“YES!!!”

This Mythical Experience...

I have been writing and rewriting what I want to say about this day, how I feel. It’s so difficult for me to express my shear joy! OK, I know it’s a new relationship and everyone feels excitement and happiness over a new love but this is SO different than anything I have yet experienced. In all of my previous relationships there has always been a sense of, well not wariness, maybe a sense of worry. I never felt totally committed maybe or maybe things always seemed to set off warnings in my head.

“Be cautious, this one seems controlling.” “Watch out, this one only wants sex and if you do it’ll be a bear trap.” “She seems a little off balance; maybe keep an eye on this one.”

Over and over I would entangle myself with women who were just plain wrong for me. Why? When I look at them I realize it was not so much because they were attractive or sexy but because I have always had a need to be in a relationship. At the same time I never truly believed in “true love.”

I had romantic notions of what love was. I can even say at times I felt love for the women I was with and I certainly love my family. So I am not a loveless man. I just thought that “true, undying love” was something people created poems, made romantic movies and wrote books illustrating this mythical experience. It was an unachievable human ideal to me.

Then I met Teri.

Neither of us was looking to be in a relationship but here we are. It’s so crystalline and perfect. There’s clarity now to my life I’ve not experienced. Everything is so easy and simple about this. No warning bells, no worries, no concerns.

I finally met the woman I was meant to be with. I found “true love.”

The springtime of Lovers has come

I guess I should do a little entry about what’s been happening since my last posting. I went in for surgery on May 22nd. I have to admit I had prepared myself for the worst case scenario and by the time that day came I was ready to deal with some hard issues. I underwent four hours under the knife and while the majority of the day is a blank I do recall a few things. My parents escorted me in and I could tell they were both nervous. I did my best to make jokes and reassure them it would be fine. Just having them there really helped me out.

As I mentioned the procedure lasted around four hours. I came to in a darkened room; there were beds off to either side of me with other patients coming out of surgery as well. I only have vague memories of this room. I do recall a nurse attending me, I don’t know what I said to her but I remember her laughing and saying, “oh honey, you won’t remember this room, no one does.”

Then I was wheeled into my room where my parents came in and I was given back my camera. I don’t know why but being able to document my experience really helped. You can check some of the images out here: www.pbase.com/darter02/pad_05_20067 beginning on the 22nd... Be sure to click the hot links in the text descriptions if you want to see me messed up on morphine, it’s a hoot! LOL

So they poked 5 holes in my torso, and made a 5” long incision under my belly to take my little friend out. They took it and ¼ of my stomach, so all in all not too bad and not as bad as I’d worried. They also did a biopsy and I DO NOT HAVE CANCER! It was just “one of those things.”

I have to say that this experience really changed me. SO many people came out to support me and offer their hopes and prayers. I am indeed one of the luckiest men alive to be so well liked and cared for. I am more determined than ever to be a good man and do what I can to help others and be here when needed.

Another major and not insignificant change took place. I seem to have met the woman I think I have been looking for all these years! My best friend’s wife introduced us. After months of her trying to get us to meet and both of us dodging the issue we met. I have heard of people hitting it off right from the start but never before experienced this. I am not sure where things are headed and I really do not care, I am simply enjoying my time with her and seeing where it all leads. All I can say is, I am happy and content and life is bright and good.

I think I’ll end with a poem,

The springtime of Lovers has come,
that this dust bowl may become a garden;
the proclamation of heaven has come,
that the bird of the soul may rise in flight.
The sea becomes full of pearls,
the salt marsh becomes sweet as kauthar,
the stone becomes a ruby from the mine,
the body becomes wholly soul.

~Rumi

My Mission Report... LOL

“Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't.” ~ Richard Bach

There is something going on with me that some of you know about. (by reading my Depiction Addiction: www.pbase.com/darter02/pad ) Many other people just hear rumors and have been asking. I have been waiting until I knew more before I wrote a blog about it.

On April 12th I walked to the hospital. I had trouble breathing and a call to my Doctor convinced me I needed to go to the ER. I am one of those people that will not go to a Doctor, let alone the ER. So you can imagine how labored my breathing would have to be to get me to go.

There they took x-rays thinking I might have pneumonia. I didn’t. They figured it was just a severe case of bronchitis. The attending Dr. wanted to be thorough and had a C-scan done just to make sure I didn’t have a blood clot in my lungs. He assured me the odds where small.

I knew I was in trouble when the head Dr. and he came running in and closed the curtains.

They found an “incidental contact” in my abdominal cavity. I had a “mass” the size of softball in there and had never known. They couldn’t feel it when they poked and prodded me. One of them said it may be a malignant cancer but they weren’t sure.

In the ward they moved me to, all the other patients were liver transplants and other serious illnesses. When they saw me walking they’d ask me what was wrong, what I was doing there. When I told them, they always shook their heads and pitied ME! I ended up being held for 25 hours and then they released me, my head full of tombstones… I literally felt like I’d been abducted and my world turned upside down.

I went in for another C-scan a few days later, this time focusing on my abdomen. After that I met my Doctors, both directors of their departments. The first one reviewed my C-scan with me. Damn this thing is BIG! They seemed to find it difficult to imagine that I’ve never felt it or had any effects from it.

They decided to skip the biopsy and take me to the next step, which is surgery. It might be three things, a fleshy growth (non cancerous), a fatty growth (might be cancerous) or malignant cancer, which they doubted. They’d wait until it came out to decide what it was.

He then introduced me to my surgeon who went over the surgery. He said that at a minimum I will be loosing ½ my stomach and at the other extreme I will have a complete gastric bypass! DAMN! This sucked but at least I’d be skinny in the end! LOL

Yesterday I had an endoscope/ultrasound as they wanted to get a better look at this thing. They assumed it went into my stomach, breaching the wall, but wanted to be sure. I went in with some trepidation; I’d never had anything done to me in a hospital. I can remember the anesthesiologist saying, “I’m going to give you the sedative now, you’ll feel…” and then I was waking up in the recovery room speaking auf Deutsch! LOL

The Doctor had some great news. This “thing” doesn’t breach the lining of my stomach. It looks like the surgeon will be able to “peal” it away from the outside. My surgery will not be as drastic as they’d predicted. At least, that is what they’re saying now. Also, they doubt it’s cancer after getting a look at it.

So, now that I know something I just wanted to let other’s know.

I am going to be OK so no worries but thank you all who’ve been asking and worrying and offering help. You all ROCK!

this natural burst of indignation...

For months now, since my breakup, people say to me, “I’m so sorry…” and other acts of kindness. While I appreciate the sympathies, I must stress at how BETTER of I am now that I am truly free. I have held back the details of my break up for a long time.

I cannot hold this in any longer or I will surely die. It eats at me daily. This is a quote from a mail I had intercepted from Solange to someone else back in August (after Pennsic.) It was originally sent in July.

I had no idea we even had problems outside of the normal, day to day stuff people can go through. It was in August that I found out she was dating. She also mentions a profile SHE was using to date and makes it seem as if it were me. That is how I busted her. It had photos I took of her ON IT. SOMEONE from Pennsic saw her ad and contacted me. They thought I should know. I guess it pays to be well known sometimes. To that person I am eternally grateful and will carry on my back across any body of water.

Here it is and remember, we were engaged to be married!!

“For example, My latest ex ( the money mooching stripper babe type boyfreind) still runs our old profile as if I exist...and no- I will not tell you which profile it is... he still thinks we will get back together and I need him to testify on my behalf in my the custody trial. It is a fine philosophical line I am treading and I could just shoot the damn judge...He scheduled only one day for the trial...we only made it through 2 of my ex husband's witnesses...so now I have to wait on Judge Duer to see when he has 2 more days in his calendar... There fore I am being nice to the boyfreind... I am playing the situation for the sake of my kids....He is just too key of a witness for me to piss off.

I am not proud of this tactical decision…but it is one I had to make. I am gone every way including physically. I have removed all his stuff and all of mine from his home… I never stay overnight… and he still calls every day or so and we go out on occasion.

Until I find the boy toy replacement ( for which you are in the lead ...lol) … I need to keep him happy … once my case goes to the judge for a decision…I doubt I will ever again return a phone call.

I don’t know why I needed to come clean about that with you... I believe it is because as a lawyer…you have a better chance of understanding the decision… that and I like you… I do not want to be deceitful …even when it really isn’t your biz yet.

If this is a problem for you, then you will just have to break off correspondence until I get my last two days in court.

The ball is now in your court.

Sharon”


Ahhh…. Like a festering boil once lanced… that hurt but now I feel so much better…
I gave that woman and her children everything I had emotionally and spiritually. I have no idea what she is telling people about me but I can only image at just how twisted her version of reality is. While I regret being so duped and loosing 5 valuable years of my life. It has been the loss of my “family” that has caused me much anguish and grief. I guess I should be grateful I did not marry her.

She still expects me to appear in court on her behalf too! I am not sure how things will pan out. I am an honorable man. If I’m called to appear I vow to be completely and utterly honest with both lawyers and the judge.

This I swear.

Now, for a quote to live by:

“But after this natural burst of indignation, no man of sense, courage, or prudence will waste his time or his strength in retrospective reproaches or repinings.” ~ Robert Peel

"Un idea perplexi na"

YOINKS!

This single thing is not what I remember it to be. Maybe because I am so out there, online in so many ways, is what is now making me want to hide at times. I’m not talking about the nice flirting and nice emails from ladies. I’m not saying I do not enjoy some of the attention I am getting. In fact, it’s really nice to know there are women out there who feel safe in messaging me and making me smile. I love to chat, exchange mail and talk to women. These are some of the finest things in life in fact I relish and invite this.

What does bother me is the occasional “nut job.” Take last night for instance. I am online surfing the net, looking for things to make me laugh and minding my own business. A “woman” who had added me a few days earlier began to send me a FLURRY of messages one after the other. In all there were 14, all one line sentences asking me how I was doing, am I mad and that’s why I’m not replying, why are you single, did she not make you happy sexually? It was all just a lot of crazy stuff.

Ok, I think to myself. She must need to talk to someone. I should have known better considering her profile had a video clip of a woman receiving cunnilingus (and quite poorly). I treat everyone the same until they prove themselves too difficult to deal with. I opened my yahoo so we could chat and I could talk to her, see what the heck she had going on in her head. Besides, she was totally driving me crazy with the barrage of questions in my mailbox…

I immediately made a BIG mistake; from her profile I figured she had an odd sense of humor, perhaps like me. I sent her the link to the somewhat raunchy yet funny video clip I happened to be laughing at. Apparently she saw it differently and in ALL CAPS AND ABREVIATED TEXT began to say things very sexual in nature and down right crude! Damn!

Now, I may be a lot of things but sucker isn’t one of them (well except maybe for a pretty set of eyes…) From the “U R SO HOT I AM SO WET” way of “her” messages I had this gut feeling she was either totally off her rocker or a DUDE.

I didn’t just close and block her; it’s just not in my nature. I just kept trying to steer the conversation back to “normal” stuff using COMPLETE sentences and words. All to no avail…

Then it gets truly weird.

“She” begins to tell me she is going to get a divorce soon and her and her 2 kids are going to move out. Her hubby beats the hell out them and they’ve had it. She wants a new life.

I can sympathize with that, my “rescue & help” motor kicks in and I begin to try to offer advice but I didn’t get very far.

She begins to say she wants to LIVE WITH ME!!! WTF????!!!!!! I was at a loss… I just wrote “huh?” she IS GOING TO MOVE IN WITH ME!!???

I said no, this went around and a round a few times. Finally she logged off in a huff.

Now I have blocked her.

What a nut!

"Begin", an important keyword...

September 29th 2003 I began a project that has taught me much. It’s also taken me places I never expected and led me to meet people I would never have known. It’s called “Photo a Day” or “PAD for short. There were around 30 photographers or so in the first group to do the project. Their close sense of community as well as the daily challenge of taking a new, good photo everyday intrigued me. I began with the intention of simply learning how to use my then new camera. I’ve instead learning how to communicate and express myself artistically. Through the daily discipline of shooting photos I’ve seen my life change and the course has been exciting.

After a brief hiatus for a few months due to a lot of chaos in my life I’ve begun shooting my daily photos once more. I excited to see where this year takes me.

If you're curious check out my work in my Photo a Day for a Year 2006-2007 gallery. Feel free to leave comments too!

www.pbase.com/darter02/pad_20067

the release of kinetic energy is...

Something incredible happened to me today. It was not a physical change or one in my routine. The minutia of the day is still there; but now I see colors in the strata of the once dull and burdensome. Everything is illuminated by something else… hope maybe? An inkling of a new way of doing things, the sight of something previously sensed but unseen.

For a few years now I have been perfecting my craft, learning the use of lens and camera. I aim it at whatever catches my eye and depressing the shutter, always thinking about light, form composition and color. Beautiful photos appear on my site, the sort “people buy to hang on their walls.” Don’t get me wrong, I love to capture beauty and the technical aspects of a well-composed, well-framed and well-exposed shot. I do take some joy in my ability to execute a fun photograph that makes someone say, “Hey, that’s me! I look great! Thanks!”

But I want to do more.

I want to take the photos that tell us who we are as humans. I know, I know, that’s SO TRITE. How many times have I heard that from people, other artists, musicians writers? But what could be more important than that I ask you? What?

For years I have looked at some of the works of the finest photographers and thought, “My god, this is truly photography all I can do is take pretty photos.” For example, take the work of Jason Mason. Look at his War in Central Bosnia collection. ( www.pbase.com/zidar/rat ) . Amazing are they not? Almost every frame connects you to the shot. Almost every photograph put you THERE, feeling it, connecting you with the subjects. They evoke stories and touch us. There is a relationship.

What changed for me today? Today I had an artist come into my world, ask me a lot of questions, listen, really listen to me and then not only show me the way but give me an assignment to begin the journey! World renowned photographer Lynn Johnson ( www.auroraphotos.com/photogr...bio.html ) has helped me break down the walls of my own conceptions. I am now standing on a new shore to a new land. She’s given me an idea what I need to do to “let go” and begin the process of losing myself in the camera and not worrying about the technical stuff.

Listening to her advice caused connections between my understandings and conceptual ability as well as illuminating the exact nature of my own discontent over how I shoot. With crystalline, diamond sharp brilliance I felt the flash of recognition in my brain! I could SEE what “it” was about a photo that I consider “perfect” to be perfect. She was able to put into words what I have been feeling but not defining. It was electric energy, my hair began to stand up on my arms and I UNDERSTOOD! I almost cried and most likely will at some point because my life is changed. I have seen the path before me, illuminated by a flashing beam of sunlight for a moment and it’s burned into my very being.

It is going to take me the rest of my life to explore this new direction.