on my birthday

a vision swells within me
while in the space of a sacred dance...
a three year old me gleefully runs through
a sun-drenched infinite field of white mums
with heart open fully wide
love pouring pouring out...
it's the energy of the universe
an ecstatic expansive oneness
giddy and wild
threatening to explode my consciousness
into a billion billion pieces
but instead cradled by the man that i continue to become...
a safe container for the universe
to experience itself
and i crumple to the ground
in awe and humility
grateful
so grateful

no more dream time

there is only *now*
where your fingertips
meet the manifest universe
everything else is just a dream
so it's time to awaken
and play
in each other's sweet company...

who am i? (part 2)

my body whispered to me tonight during yoga:
"you're not alone, love... as long as i draw breath, i will be with you"

my body led me to yoga tonight
my mind was warning how hard it was going to be
how i wasn't going to like it
but i surrendered my head to my body
chopped it off finally, again

oh it's so desperate to run the show
it conjures terrors of loneliness and insanity
just to keep my attention
but my body reminds me
that this ain't a one trick pony show

it's not my mind
that connects me to mother earth
it's my body
that pleasures me with movement and song
and sins of the skin

only my body can keep me *in-this-moment*
my mind doesn't have a clue how to do it
and can only speculate about energy as matter
while my body just does it
carries my spirit through the material world

my body is
my spirit's lover
funny how great love
is sometimes right under our nose
and we just have to see it

who am i? (part 1)

a dear friend, still in the depth of her suffering many months following the dissolution of her primary intimate partnership, declared that the genuine and sincere unconditional love of her friends, could not relieve the deep deep loneliness that is her constant companion -- love like she had never known before, had left her...

...and i wonder
who is this mythical creature that we all desperately seek
who taunts us by *almost* being within reach
but ever elusive even when it seems we are in its midst?

i'm left feeling the unavoidable answer
is that that creature is me

and that terrifies me beyond measure
and prompts me to cry out
to the infinite universe that extends
in every direction away from myself
and infinitely into myself:
please, please, somehow, someway, let me find
that *lover*, that *truth*... god, that *comfort*... within myself...
because i'm so damn afraid that it's not there, and what will only
ever greet me is my own emptiness and abject terror...

i'm not ready to be god
to generate that pure pure love
it's too big a job
can't someone, something out there just do it for me
bring it to me, complete me... god, aren't you there?

but, do i have a choice in becoming god?
i can keep god away through prayer
or through denial
as i've likely done in other life times

but perhaps
it's not until in one of these embodied iterations
i can muster the courage
to move through this thick shroud of terror
with humility and grace
to finally discover the truth of
WHO I AM: PURE LOVE...

it must be there, it must.