bull legged

The dishes are dirty and half filled cups of coffee, small plates,
forks, and an old pot used to boil some eggs are
piled high in the sink
it's summer and so far away
from tomato soup in October
and
somehow small
gnats from the outside have made their way in
through the screen windows
and bash their hard black bodies
against everything
aimlessly
and unafraid
of being smashed by a clap
not even a hooker will get into a car so easily
without questions
and accusations
and proof of money
and yet these gnats
simply seem to bounce around in
the air
without any worry of
getting clapped to death
it's such a drastic difference
from the hookers
but not so different than
a child
who's been walking on 2 legs for a few months
and starts to run away on every attempt
and only when you're not looking
and you turn around
do you notice them
sprinting forward
and never looking back
maybe there is some instinct in them
that knows they can't run one way
and look another
yet it's funny to see them sprint
in some crazed
bull legged wobble
with their fingers spread way open
as if they just pulled them out of
the chocolate
and are running away
with the evidence.

Blog on a Saturday Morning

I havent' posted a blog entry in awhile. I have about 20 minutes before I have to get ready for work. Since I went out of town I only have 1 sale so far this month. Some of the other guys only have 2 or 3 and they've been there all month. I have to move by Jan. 1 and I haven't started to seriously look yet. I did however get a phone pop last night from a girl looking to lease a new Pilot and she gave me an inside connection at Park La Brea which is a large complex (gym, it's own theatre, etc..) and it's across the street from the Grove. I always loved to park on the top level of the Grove parking structure and look out at night into the retro looking buildings. I always wanted to live there and I think that's where Park La Brea is. If I could somehow fashion an apartment on the top level of the parking structure I think that would be best.
I've been feeling depressed over my sales and moving situation but I started to read some James Allan again last night while at work "As a Man Thinketh". It's been over a year since I last read the book. A friend at work is depressed over the breakup with his girlfriend so I think I actually might take the book with me today and give it to him.
I do have two appointments for today and I have no idea how I'm going to sell a car. I feel awkward and out of place thinking about the process. I think I'll just be honest with my appointments and confess that I'm going to need their help to make the deal happen. I'm not going to make any money this month, but maybe I can try to learn from all of this. After my morning smoke break I thought to myself that maybe all good sales people need to see the bottom. Maybe like Allan says it is my responsibility to ascend myself. To not be fearful.
On another note, I've been writing a lot lately. This has been good. I feel a big surge of material coming on.

9:07 am

I started at a new dealership in Hollywood on Santa Monica blvd. a couple of days ago. It's smack in the middle of theater row. Accross the street they're playing "The Book of Liz" and 3 buildings down at the Hudson theater there is a cafe that is open every day. I've been going in and buying 4 shots of expresso on each of my shifts. There's also a liquor store across the street which sells cigarettes and red bulls. The little korean man behind the counter has begun to say hello to me. I've noticed even though he's been held up at gun point a lot more than the man working at the cafe and I even tip the guy at the cafe that the korean man is the friendlier of the two. There are also a lot of transvestites that work the streets in the area and I've begun to reconigze a few of them. Soon perhaps I'll begin to get their names and hear their stories. Maybe one will let me follow him/her around one night to collect writing material.
The dealership itself is small but busy. It sells more cars than the vw dealership I just worked at. Another guy on my team is in the program and he's been selling cars for 10 years minus a few vacations in state prison back when he was using. Overall it's a much better run dealership.

stunned

I'm still trying to understand what happened. First I open the front door only to see a skunk looking back at me. I slammed the door ran and closed all the other doors. I'm out of smokes and must go out to get a pack. I also just checked in on some stocks and one is down 44% today! I'm not fucked because the orginal investment has already been diversified but a lot of people are totally fucked. I'm still in shock. Well I'm going to go to 7'11. Maybe take a drive down to the beach tonight and have a smoke on the cool sand.

6:42 am

I never slept last night and have to work from 9 am to 9 pm today. I think what got my night off to a bad start was that I felt bad that Natalie might have thought I was making fun of her family names. Then later I got to thinking about all of my previous relationships. What I could have done and what I might have done that I don't remember. I think the worse thing about old girlfriends and wifes are the things you didn't do. Not being there or listening or even enjoying the moment. You can't go back and do something you wished you did. I wonder if we alll think about those things. Maybe I just like to torture myself.
I'm still amazed that I didn't sleep. I actually feel pretty good because I did some writing. I just had an expresso and am treating it as if it were any other morning. My plan is to sleep in the back of the Pheaton today. It's a $75,000 sedan with rear massaging and air cooled seats. With the sun screens pulled up even in the middle of the show room floor no one will know I'm in it. Its price is usually too steep for people to even look inside of it. They usually run into and say something like, "$75,000 for a VW!". If I want to be a smart ass I might say something like the new pope just sold his VW Golf for $229,000. It's funny but speaking of religous leaders the biggest buying market for the Pheaton's are religious leaders. When I tell people that they look puzzled even though the reason why is so obvious. I then explain to them that it's because on paper and pulpit when they say they drive a vw it sounds a lot better than BMW or Mercedes. No one expected that a VW would cost between $75,000 - $120,000. I think only 300 of them have been sold so far this year in North America. My General Manager doesn't want me to leave for a more prosperous dealership. She believes if I can hang in there for the new body style Passat's (due in 2 weeks), GTI's, Beetles, and the all new hardtop convertable Jetta's then it'll pay off. I've been selling a good number of Subaru's since they opened the floor up. It's a totally different buyer.
I'm getting hungry. I think before I go into work I'll get a blueberry danish, orange juice, and triple expresso. That should hit the spot and keep me going strong for a few more hours.

11:03 pm

I got home from work a few hours ago. Of course I ran into another spider web on my way in. It's the 2nd one that tried to trap me today. I just took of all my clothes and jumped into the pool but then I thought about that racoon that's been slaughtering the snails and I didn't want to run into him. Generally I've been getting a paranoid feeling that I'm slowly being trapped either in or outside of the house. Maybe there is something to write about there.
My mom is out of ICU and in a regular room at the hospital until Wednesday. The rehab in the meantime ran out of beds and she doesn't know this yet. Believe it or not but she checked out pretty good from all the tests. A lot of times when someone has the DT's as bad as she did they usually don't make it. Heart attack's, etc.. and the doctor doesn't think she could live through it again. I talked to her yesterday on the phone and she sounded pretty good. It was the first time I had a conversation with her in a couple of years in which she wasn't slurring and I believed she'd actually remember what we talked about. With this is mind I was careful with what I said.
I went to a meeting last night and it wasn't easy to stop from judging it or generating a great deal of resentment. I keep thinking that it could be the first meeting for someone like my mother who knows nothing and wouldn't be to excited about hearing someone ramble on for 15 minutes about how they lost their tooth that day while eating chicken and their plan for getting it replaced.

10:10 pm

It just occured to me that I don't like being a victim of alcholism. I don't like that I'm waiting to hear if my mother is going to live or die in her attempt to detox. It's utterly insane. I know I shouldn't think of myself as a victim. Her life is in God's hands. I wish though that my family wasn't so screwed up.

4:06 pm

I found out today that my mom was transferred from detox to ICU at a hospital. I occured to me that she could die and I feel bad for not wanting to talk to her before she went in because she was always so drunk, slurring, etc.. she wanted me to come out before she went in. Maybe she knew she was going to die or that there was a strong possibility. I feel at a loss for words. I'm at work and am thinking of leaving to go to the alanon meeting that I went to last week. I have an appointment coming in to look at Forester's. His name is also Dave Erickson. He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to buy a car from a used car salesman with the same name as him. Apparently this was an insult to him.

8:04 am

I have to leave for the usual Friday morning sales meeting in a few minutes. It occured to me last night that I need to travel again. I felt really inspired after coming back from Europe and should do it again. Maybe this time finally I'll go to Moscow. Maybe I can try to live there for a few months. I am going to Florida at the end of this month but that doesn't really count as travel because it's to see my parents. My mom will be going into detox in 3 days and that weekend will be her first weekend pass. It will be nice to see her cleaned up. I haven't seen her not drunk since I was in Junior High. I probably used to see her not drunk about 7 years ago but she was usually shaking pretty bad, drinking milk, and didn't have much to say. It will be interesting to see who she really is. I remember her as being a really smart person when I was a kid. She used to be a real estate agent. In fact, she was the top sales agent in her office. She even made cold calls. Now even though she only turns 50 this month she can't walk on her own, she has to be spoon feed, and she's about to die from the disease. It's amazing to see the bottom she had to hit. It might be possible that she'll live a few years if she detoxes and gets sober. It will be a wholesale change for sure. I think this is interupting my writing at this point. It seems that my mind keeps focusing on what will happen with her and if it will be the last time I see her alive. It could be the first and last conversation I've ever really had with her. What does one say? Will I cry like I am right now as I write this?

6:55 am

The racoon's were back again last night. I'm not sure if I should kill their food source (snails) or just let the racoon's continue to visit. I either had an attempted break in the other day or the racoon's broke the gate. I didn't know they could be so strong. It's amazing to see how a racoon can devour a snail shell. It looks like a bunch of shot glasses were broken on the bricks but it's just the snail left overs. Maybe instead of killing the snails I should try to eat them myself and go into competition with the racoons. I always liked the snails though and never pictured myself eating them.