Change

Feeling change a comin in my life. Not sure how dramatic. Hopefully not too dramatic.

Feeling a disinterest in my web design business and more like traveling playing music with long spurs of staying home gardening and doing healing work. Also having a baby has been on my mind a lot lately. Not sure if I want this baby to keep myself from getting too big in my music career or some self-sabotaging belief like that. OR perhaps I just want to have a baby. Or perhaps it's just my biological kick kick. My boyfriend is 23 and happily room-mating it with his dad. Not exactly in the baby space. But you never know. . .
And honestly, it all sounds good on paper. A magical baby appears. . . and the couple happily deals with it.

But let's be honest here. I know babies are not dogs. You can't just say, I want a baby. Life changes forever. Sometimes part of me wants to be stuck in some situation so I can just be a victim and I wont have to choose. Well that's reality for ya.

Truth is: Alot of scenarios sound good to me sort of. . . Ok so I want to be a big famous rock star and travel the world. Truth be told. And perhaps this abandonment or re-arrangement of my company is coming at the perfect time to give me space to go do these things I want to do.

Yeah there's some fear around money. But ya know. Gotta move forward anyway.
My art has always made me money. . .My music has taken some inner work and belief changing. . .And I am afraid I don't have enough worth stored up in my music. Ok now that I write that down, that belief doesnt seem so valid. There is some worth in my music to me. 10's of thousands of dollars worth??? Not sure. hee hee uncomfortable laugh.

And another thing about my relationship. its fun! We do lots of really cool things together. Wouldn't a baby kind of mess that up? Fear that it would change my relationship forever. Also thinking the change would be bad when it may not. I think my boyfriend would freak if he read this. Then again , he knows I am 31 and think about these things.

Sigh. . . change is in the air and I have no idea what it looks like and I am beating myself up for not having a clear vision. I say to myself, well if I don't set clear intentions then how is the universe going to know what to bring me? I guess I can set intentions to get clear ;).

I channelled the other day to sit down and write out what it is that I love. Then I questioned well am I even in touch with what I really love.?The message being if you love it, then choose it! So what do I love and what do I want to create?

All I can hear is Music Music Music. So why the fuck am I blogging when I could be writing music? Ouy!

the mental chatter of a long island girl. Well now you all know.

Stopping

ok I just launched the biggest website of my life www.iamthatgirl.com

I have been going on it non-stop for four weeks. I've been working EVERY weekend and I have been completely on overdrive. And where am I right now? On the computer. Why? Because I don't know how to stop. I am hoping writing about it all will slow down the momentum of doing and settle into being. I have gotten into this habit of wondering what the next thing to do is and dreaming about html code. I swear I woke up this morning and the clock said 7:45.asp (that's a programming language)

Anyway, although I am super proud of my work I am eager to get my life back into balance. It was a challenge keeping balance during this hectic schedule. My downtime became my work time and my meals slowly got more along the lines of fast food towards the end. I got to remember no matter how crazy the deadline, I still can make time to eat well, take breaks, and breathe. Even now I am barreling away.

Thanks for listening to me vent I think I've vented enough to relax and celebrate my accomplishment. HALLELUYAH!

-Stephanie

Sunday Morning Thoughts

I was deep in a meditation yesterday when I saw myself crying "No one wants to pay attention to me, no one wants to watch me, no one love me.' So my higher self took my hand and said " I love you. Here come with me." The crying girl faded and my meditation moved on.

It was something I needed to see because I know deep inside I truly believe that.

This weekend reflected these deep thoughts through my music. Or I can chalk up this weekends events to "not the right time" and " building my experiences." But lets just say, this weekend reflected this thought of "no one loves me."

After determined and hard promotion of my gig at Molly Malones. 12 people showed up, and I can assume I will never be able to play the venue again including Genghis Cohen. both clubs I Have played for six years. I had to guarantee 30 people. I invited over 600 people. 12 showed up.

Then I woke up early to prepare my chanting class and no one showed up. so I chanted by myself for an hour. Which was where I had this vision of the crying girl.

Then I come home after a very full day to discover that my gig at the Green Living Expo had been cancelled due to poor turn out and noise violations.

Can you see a theme here?

I read a blog this morning from a friend of mine that kind of reflected what I am feeling which is, so what???
I am going to keep playing music. If no one wants to listen what can I do??? I love to sing and I am past the cycle of "should I be doing this." I love doing it.

Now it really sucks that not many people are showing me that they want to hear my music. It's been challenging to say the least to expand past my local gigs these last six years, mostly because I have been battling myself, but not always.

So like my wise friend Seda illustrates, here I am spirialing upwards in what seems like a circle but it isn't. I actually don't mind playing for myself anymore. I am coming to enjoy it. There is freedom in discovering you love to do something so much that you will do it for no one but yourself and that's fine. If others want to hear it than cool. And I will keep putting it out there. If people close doors on me than maybe thats because they needed to close for another door to open.

And I do want to acknowledge the people that did want to listen and did show up to support me on Friday. Craig Cady. Josh Blayz, My boyfriend Adam and a few of his friends, and Terry ( my favorite burner and his super friends). Thanks guys so much. Thank you for supporting me and my passion.

I don't always write songs and I don't always practice. In fact I spend alot of time thinking about why I don't do these things more. What a waste huh? But I love to sing and I don't think about singing, I just do it.. That's the number one.

So if everything fell apart and our worldly systems come crashing down, you'll find me in a jam session, singing. And if that was all I needed to discover from this weekend then, halleluyah.

And if my gig wasn't cancelled this weekend, I wouldn't have had this lovely peaceful moment to reflect.

Here I am on a peaceful Sunday morning. Phone shut off. No website to design. No email to reply to. No rehearsal to go to. I just AM. Right Now. God it's beautiful.

Gratitiude

I just wanted to say thank you to my friends for reading my blog and being the love that is always there letting me know that it is listening, loving , and supporting me always.

Boy was that a run-on sentence.

Peace and Love in 2008. Blessings to all. Create who you are!

Live in the moment. Trust your inner guidance to show you what the next step will be.

Consciously you create yourself. This is the way. Try to understand that you can create what you want when consciously you choose what to do with your life. Think about the things you love. And also choose what you think about to be the conscious love of creation. Create that!

Not Showing Up Tonight

Boy Partying Takes alot out of you.

Since Dash and I have split, I have been out there and it's catching up with me.

So how to be a party girl and a yogi at the same time?

It's so hard getting into "work mode" after a weekend out with my friends.

I need like three days catch up sleep.

Work is going well right now. I just want to be there for my clients. But part of me wants to be a lazy bum and just spend all day cuddling with my friends.

Breaking Up

My sweetie Dash and I are splitting up.

Tonight is a beautiful evening and I am sitting in my dining room relaxing to Jack Johnson eating pumpkin seeds as Dash's computer echoes the police chases and ebonics on Grand Theft Auto.

I told him that we'd have a chance if he'd be my lover. He says its just not in him right now. Pretty depressing even though I was the initiator of this break up. Still what a whopping confirmation I made the right choice huh?

When I am in a partnership, I want to be LOVERS. Deep connection, good intellectual conversation, to be inspired.

I am going to miss the playmate I found in Dash. I would say that we'll stay friends but I believe he'll move back to Wisconsin before long. Who knows, that could be the fear in him talking.

So I create from here. . . It's not exactly a blank canvas that I see but I window with light that just opened. If I just poke my head out of it I can see what's outside. . .

My friends think I am doing the right thing. They all think I am really strong for breaking up an engagement. But I am like, well I chose this right? Guess I choose my way out of it too!

Thanks for all the loving support guys!

I am ready to just be me plain and simple. It's so much easier when we just lay back and relax isn't it? Even when I am singing lately, I notice if I just lay back and not try so hard, it's so much more beautiful,

So here I am. . . Take me or leave me. :)

Stephanie's retreat

I guess I feel like announcing this to the world or just thinking out loud.

I am like a hermit in the himilayas right now. I just feel like doing yoga, and being. Not much else is on my agenda these days and I am so excited about that. I have chosen to take a hiatus from music for a while. I just feel called. I still think about you all and I am always sending my friends lots of love and I know that we we all party it up again soon. This is a happy retreat as opposed to a depressed one. I am not sure of the outcome of all of this but there is obviously something I need to attend to. . . ME!

Life is good and peaceful. I am still working and designing websites to keep the ship running. I do it for the joy of service. Life is so wonderful isn't it? Just grand!

I am sending all my people so much love you have no idea.

Peace and Blessings be with you all!!!!

Peace love and more peace,
Stephanie

Peru and Galapagos Pics

Hey friends,
For all those who have been interested, here is the link to view some Galapagos and Peru pics from my adventures in October. Enjoy!

Much love,
Stephanie

www.kodakgallery.com/ShareLandingReg.jsp

Energy in the Sacred Valley

Hello there all my lovely friends,
I miss you so much. I am writing to you from the Sacred Valley in Peru. I am about five minutes away from Macchu Picchu which I had the priviliedge of experiencing yesterday.
My intentions were for this experience to be peaceful and heart opening and it was. It is. I cant say how the energy feels for all who experience it. But for anyone who is minutely sensitive or even someone who isnt, you cant help but feel the energy of this place.
I read it was the heart chakra of the world right now. Either way you can feel it for miles. As my plane descended into Cusco my heart opened up so wide and I was filled with gratitude to be able to experience a place like this.
Upon exploring Macchu Picchu, I found the greatest energy to be in the Temple of the Earth, And this Temple of the top of the whole site whose name escapes me now. Also there is another mountain much higher than Macchu Picchu just adjacent to it called Wainu Picchu that I climbed which is also vibrating very high. There were interested cloud formations around the site as well.
We hiked four days to get there. When we entered the sun gate around 7 am. It was all cloudy. We all sat at the sun gate for about five minutes when the sun broke through the clouds and shined its light on the sacred city of Macchu Picchu. It was a complelety magical experience.
I feel so electrical right now I could power this computer if the main power went out. Its wild.
I am looking forward to bringing back this amazing energy to my world in the US. Someone have a party so I can just hug you all.
Pictures coming soon.

In love light and gratitude.

Stephanie