I was deep in a meditation yesterday when I saw myself crying "No one wants to pay attention to me, no one wants to watch me, no one love me.' So my higher self took my hand and said " I love you. Here come with me." The crying girl faded and my meditation moved on.

It was something I needed to see because I know deep inside I truly believe that.

This weekend reflected these deep thoughts through my music. Or I can chalk up this weekends events to "not the right time" and " building my experiences." But lets just say, this weekend reflected this thought of "no one loves me."

After determined and hard promotion of my gig at Molly Malones. 12 people showed up, and I can assume I will never be able to play the venue again including Genghis Cohen. both clubs I Have played for six years. I had to guarantee 30 people. I invited over 600 people. 12 showed up.

Then I woke up early to prepare my chanting class and no one showed up. so I chanted by myself for an hour. Which was where I had this vision of the crying girl.

Then I come home after a very full day to discover that my gig at the Green Living Expo had been cancelled due to poor turn out and noise violations.

Can you see a theme here?

I read a blog this morning from a friend of mine that kind of reflected what I am feeling which is, so what???
I am going to keep playing music. If no one wants to listen what can I do??? I love to sing and I am past the cycle of "should I be doing this." I love doing it.

Now it really sucks that not many people are showing me that they want to hear my music. It's been challenging to say the least to expand past my local gigs these last six years, mostly because I have been battling myself, but not always.

So like my wise friend Seda illustrates, here I am spirialing upwards in what seems like a circle but it isn't. I actually don't mind playing for myself anymore. I am coming to enjoy it. There is freedom in discovering you love to do something so much that you will do it for no one but yourself and that's fine. If others want to hear it than cool. And I will keep putting it out there. If people close doors on me than maybe thats because they needed to close for another door to open.

And I do want to acknowledge the people that did want to listen and did show up to support me on Friday. Craig Cady. Josh Blayz, My boyfriend Adam and a few of his friends, and Terry ( my favorite burner and his super friends). Thanks guys so much. Thank you for supporting me and my passion.

I don't always write songs and I don't always practice. In fact I spend alot of time thinking about why I don't do these things more. What a waste huh? But I love to sing and I don't think about singing, I just do it.. That's the number one.

So if everything fell apart and our worldly systems come crashing down, you'll find me in a jam session, singing. And if that was all I needed to discover from this weekend then, halleluyah.

And if my gig wasn't cancelled this weekend, I wouldn't have had this lovely peaceful moment to reflect.

Here I am on a peaceful Sunday morning. Phone shut off. No website to design. No email to reply to. No rehearsal to go to. I just AM. Right Now. God it's beautiful.