Feeling change a comin in my life. Not sure how dramatic. Hopefully not too dramatic.

Feeling a disinterest in my web design business and more like traveling playing music with long spurs of staying home gardening and doing healing work. Also having a baby has been on my mind a lot lately. Not sure if I want this baby to keep myself from getting too big in my music career or some self-sabotaging belief like that. OR perhaps I just want to have a baby. Or perhaps it's just my biological kick kick. My boyfriend is 23 and happily room-mating it with his dad. Not exactly in the baby space. But you never know. . .
And honestly, it all sounds good on paper. A magical baby appears. . . and the couple happily deals with it.

But let's be honest here. I know babies are not dogs. You can't just say, I want a baby. Life changes forever. Sometimes part of me wants to be stuck in some situation so I can just be a victim and I wont have to choose. Well that's reality for ya.

Truth is: Alot of scenarios sound good to me sort of. . . Ok so I want to be a big famous rock star and travel the world. Truth be told. And perhaps this abandonment or re-arrangement of my company is coming at the perfect time to give me space to go do these things I want to do.

Yeah there's some fear around money. But ya know. Gotta move forward anyway.
My art has always made me money. . .My music has taken some inner work and belief changing. . .And I am afraid I don't have enough worth stored up in my music. Ok now that I write that down, that belief doesnt seem so valid. There is some worth in my music to me. 10's of thousands of dollars worth??? Not sure. hee hee uncomfortable laugh.

And another thing about my relationship. its fun! We do lots of really cool things together. Wouldn't a baby kind of mess that up? Fear that it would change my relationship forever. Also thinking the change would be bad when it may not. I think my boyfriend would freak if he read this. Then again , he knows I am 31 and think about these things.

Sigh. . . change is in the air and I have no idea what it looks like and I am beating myself up for not having a clear vision. I say to myself, well if I don't set clear intentions then how is the universe going to know what to bring me? I guess I can set intentions to get clear ;).

I channelled the other day to sit down and write out what it is that I love. Then I questioned well am I even in touch with what I really love.?The message being if you love it, then choose it! So what do I love and what do I want to create?

All I can hear is Music Music Music. So why the fuck am I blogging when I could be writing music? Ouy!

the mental chatter of a long island girl. Well now you all know.