My Blog

Better and Better

darlene — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 20:35:56 GMT

Well all if you have stopped by, I am not on the internet at home yet...but things are better. Better yet my daughter I think is getting what she needs. I will email some of the 'tribe friends' who know the details but THANK GOD the right people know what is going on and my daughter is getting what she needs. She is after all the bestest most beautiful and smartest child in the universe. LOL Thanks for your prayers Keep them up if you can I'll stay in touch Darlene

At the library again.......

darlene — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 18:48:04 GMT

I almost got online. I think 1 more paycheck, God Bless All

Laptop Troubles

darlene — Tue, 20 Feb 2007 22:44:54 GMT

Well, I am still online but my Windows 98 just lost my M sys32 file so I am at the library trying to download the file to fix it. have a good day all!

Phew........... I am grateful for my many blessings.........

darlene — Mon, 19 Feb 2007 15:21:45 GMT

BUT .......... I sure wish I didn't have to DO EVERYTHING MYSELF. Home Repair Blows! Phew............I am grateful for my many blessings....... I have to crawl under the house/ trailer with a hair dryer It's cold ...........next time I'll rememeber to let them drip..........

Well I am still here.......

darlene — Mon, 19 Feb 2007 15:13:58 GMT

They haven't cut off my internet/phone yet. I am not sorry I got th heat repaired nor the car. Screw Bill Collectors! LOL Much to my chagrin I know I'm wrong and childish at least today but what the hell ........screw em. I am also trying to be grown up and responsible and that sucks. I hate just hate being reponsible sometimes. phew.....now that is out of my system. Life News........Hmmmmmmmmmmmm...... I found a $200.00 Uniden Phone at Salvation Army for $1.99 no joke. It needs a battery. Not inexpensive, but ahhhhhhh...........what a deal. I gave my daughter my cordless and now I have a great phone and probably no service till late March.........then again if I go get a mammogram AFLAC will pay me $60.00. Wellness benefit once a year. Who knows maybe I'll get a thrill. Hmmmmmmmmmmm......Oh I have a student loan I am paying back the interest is 3 1/2 times the orginal loan. And to top that I ran out of energy and resources in my 3rd year so I am paying back a loan and I didn't even get the BS. Damn. I am 41 now and I realize I would have made an excellent 1st grade teacher but I had way too many issues with my past to be an effective middle or high school teacher. I wanted to save the world and teach kids as a tool to protecting them and empowering them and yet I realize that just because I can teach doesn't mean I should.....but I am not giving up on school. I think I am better behind the scenes so I volunteer as a grant writer and a technical writer and maybe one day given enough freelance jobs I will be able to do this FT Who knows at least I am trying.......... and maybe I can tutor on the side..........I am not sure I will ever be able to afford to go back........but I love learning.......maybe some adult ed......maybe I can get an online degree and start a new career at 45 ..............we'll see I gotta jet.........errands and such on my one day off......... This Blows............. Bye All Peace and Blessings Darlene Wow I have a real stream of consiousness thing going here..........( I know I need spellcheck) I used to be more coherent in my writing but it is hard to slow down with so much going down at once......

First things First

darlene — Sun, 18 Feb 2007 21:05:35 GMT

Well this is not an auspisious start, but I am juggling bills so friends in a few days I will lose my internet at home for 3-4 weeks. But I shall return. I just needed to work on the car. I know I write and yet my spelling and grammer sucks! LOL I don't have to watch my words here so I vent........no holds barred. I won't edit my blogs.....what I feel is what you see. Good, Bad and Ugly! (I wonder if that was an expression before it was the title to a movie?) Welcome to my world folks. I am a mother of a 13 yr old. She is naturally the most talented, prettiest and smartest teen in all of the universe. I am a writer by vocation and an office worker by trade. I was way to fearful in life to succeed at much. I was assualted at a young age and my sheltering, loving home was violent and run by a delusionl, manic depressive ex Marine. No kidding. I am a Christian, but I don't go to church anymore. My faith is a real gut level faith, blood, sweat and tears ya know and most churches are uncomfortable with the truth about life and death and the streets. People SUCK! I have a hard time trustung or hoping, but deep down I do hope and believe I just won't admit it much.LOL I explore around me, limited by fiinances at the moment. I love people around me and I do god for those I can and I have stopped caring or I periodically stop caring what people think. I often find myself stewing over some bullshit and then I just smile and say inside "screw you, your family, your friends and that damn horse you rode in on! " Then the next day I have to pay the price of independce and truth by having to deal with the fall out of integrity or an action I did based on what I believed. Like not cheating at work, by buckling down and doing my work the right way when others broke the rules. *&$&^%&% them. I live an interior life because I chose to do what I felt was right in the midst of insanity. Yet I wouldn't have it any other way. I chose a walk of truth, beauty and integrity as much as I could. I have been extremely niaeve and STUPID and geeky and lazy and slightly depressive and depressing. Yet I am a survivor. I deal with my memories by accepting life is full of shit.........but what makes the gardens grow right? I wish life was easier but I guess who doesn't? I am taking back my life. It is a continual process. How can you have a relationship with a former abuser and father and still remain intact inside and not cave? How can you accept the truth of your past and not beat your abuser over th head with it when it would be cruel to antagonize a delusional person? faith, Iguess and real love..... I hate the fact that I have no safe haven to be me. I hate the fact that my family sucks me dry at times. I hate the fact that I have no one to fall back on but God. But I have God and I have me. I enjoy solitude and creating in general. I enjoy helping others, but lonliness sucks.......so I joined TRIBE. Here I am.