My Blog

whinny bitch ahead....

Cindy — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 05:27:45 GMT

that is me..... god i am so tired..... i need to sleep for a day straight.... i want 24 to be queen and do nothing... i want the ability to say NO!!!!!!!! when i really dont want too do it.... i want to lie in the grass on a blanket and sleep in the sun... i want chocolate ice cream with marshmallows.... i want to soak in a hot tub and have a long ass warm oil massage..... i want me list of "things i have to do" to go away........far away i want to sit in my jammies and watch stupid, funny movies all day long.... i want a puppy..... i want, i want, i want........ there.....done...... later back to work......

I am so sorry but I have to post this.......

Cindy — Tue, 06 May 2008 06:31:53 GMT

Not kid friendly. Check this out..... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-aGTNS13SDU&eurl=http://lj-toys.com/?journalid=260346&moduleid=91&auth_token=sessionless:1209963600:embedcontent:260346%269

Time for a new Journey

Cindy — Thu, 01 May 2008 20:47:47 GMT

Today I have decided it is time to get my life back on track and start a new. There will be some big and small changes going on for me. I have decided that today was a great time to start a new. Some changes will be hard and some will come very easy. I decided today that things have to change. I will probably be posting less or if I do it will be things of meaning for me. I did not sleep last night because I knew that this was going to happen. I have been very restless and unhappy with some things in my life and I knew this had to happen. So May 1st 2008 is my time to make my life something happy, full filling and hopefully full of love, happiness and lots of growing and learning and spending more time with friends and people I love. :)

It is time......

Cindy — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 01:37:33 GMT

for a life break. right now just waking up is hard enough and getting thru the day is another story. love you all.

Oh what the hell.......might be fun

Cindy — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 06:28:11 GMT

My name: Summarize me in one sentence: Where did we meet? Take a stab at my middle name? How long have you known me? When is the last time that we saw each other? Do I drink? Do I smoke? Do I do Drugs? Am I happy? Am I a good person? What was your first impression of upon meeting me/seeing me? What's one of my favorite things to do? Who do i love more than my life? Am I funny? Have you ever made me smile...if so when? What's my favorite type of music? Have you ever seen me cry? Can I sing? What is the best feature about me? Am I shy or outgoing? Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules? Do I have any special talents? Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else (what)? Have you ever hugged me? Kissed me? Have you ever seen me naked? What is my favorite food? Am i a good cook? Who is my girlfriend/boyfriend? If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be? What's your favorite memory of me? What is my worst habit? Do i like corn dogs? What about corny jokes? Have I ever had a dream about you? If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what is one thing we should take with us? Am i religious? Am I family oriented? Who is my best friend? Do i want to get married? Do i want kids? Would you want to be me for a day? Will you repost this so I can take yours?

and the survey says.....

Cindy — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 16:42:14 GMT

well more like the doctor..... I am the proud owner of a 9cm cyst that they will do nothing about unless the pain gets worse like it was in the beginning. If it does they will have to drain it with a very long needle and it will mostly come back. So unless they pain is horrible for a long period of time I will just live with my new friend. It only gets bad when I am very stressed, very tired and have over done it at work. So his advice to me....... quit my job, sleep a lot and never get stressed. I laugh at him and said if i could do that i would. He said they will check it every 6 months or so to see if things change. But as far as he can tell my kidney is functioning just fine so no need to rush. I was very happy to hear this. The thought of surgery was not making me happy. So I can finally get my life started with the new year. That is not to bad that it is the 3rd so I have not lost to much time. I love you all that have leant a ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, hugs and kiss, well wishes. I would have made it thru this and what happen while I was away. Most of all to my sweetie for all his love and support. It is one of the many thing I love about him and make him so special.

the week from hell

Cindy — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 20:54:28 GMT

Well I am finally able to sit and put things into words. Let's back track to last weds and my trip to the emergency room with horrible pain in my back on the left side down deep and it went around to the front. It was about a 9 but I was able to drive to the hospital. Got to the hospital and was seen right away. Asked all the questions, took my temp and got an IV started. Then they gave me Morphine for the pain and that is when I found out I am allergic to it. I almost stopped breathing and got very dizzy. So got oxygen and then felt better. Feel asleep off and on in between them checking on me, taking blood and so on. Finally after a few hours we were able to get me in for CT scan and then took time to read it. If you are there after 5 pm they have to send the films to Canada to check them. About an hour later they doc came in and asked me if we had cancer in my family. Why I asked and he told me they found a 9 centimeter mass on my left kidney. Also told me a hernia in my belly button but I have known that for years and will do nothing about it. So after orders on what to do about the pain and that someone would call me to do another CT with contrast I was finally free. I meet up with my sweetie , we had dinner, talked about what was next and came home, told my roommates what was going on and then we cuddled in bed. I did want to be alone. So rested the next day and was really scared about what might happen. Dealing with the pain, thank god for 600 mg ibuprofen and sleep. Back to work, worrying and have people around me to help Then on Monday I had to stop my diabetes meds and then I went in for my CT with contrast, very very weird feeling. It took about 1/2 an hour (thank you again to my roommate for going with me). The CT person said when she looked at the scan before the radiologist she said it looked like a big cyst. So I was off my diabetes meds for 2 days and then today I had a Creatine test (blood draw) in the morning. Had lunch with with my good friend J and my roommate which was so lovely. Off to get a pedicure and manicure, thought I needed to be pampered. Home to call the hospital and see what my blood tests said and if i can get back on my meds. Finally got thru and the blood test was normal---good news, i can start back on my meds and got an appointment with an Urologist. So that is what has been going on. I have only told a few people because with really nothing to tell it is hard. I still don't know what will be done when I get back and see the doctor but at least things are okay for now and my aunt has an emergency room close by or I can hop back on a plane and come home. I deal with the pain when it come up and rest when I can. I am not working to hard but still feel like I need to be busy. Until this afternoon I have had no desire to get ready for my trip since I did not know it was still on. If they said it was something that needed to be taken care of right now I would not go but no one is saying that. So that is what has been going on. Sorry for those I have worried and THANK YOU for all your love and support that I have gotten from my family and friends.

I WANT 24 HOURS......

Cindy — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 08:04:24 GMT

I WANT 24 HOURS OF NOTHING. I WANT A BIG HUGE COMFORTABLE BED WITH LOTS OF PILLOWS. I WANT YUMMY FOOD. I WANT COOL MOVIES. I WANT HOURS AND HOURS OF SEX. I WANT HOURS AND HOURS OF CUDDLE TIME WITH MY SWEETIE. I WANT LOTS OF SLEEP. I WANT TO FORGET THE WORLD. I WANT 24 HOURS..... I don't ask for much.

Christmas card list.....

Cindy — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 04:38:08 GMT

I love sending out Christmas cards so if you would like one, send me your snail mail adress to my email. captivatinglove@gmail.com Put in the message line----tribe christmas card... ;0)

sigh....

Cindy — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 09:00:58 GMT

why is it when you find someone you have a connection with it will not work out the way would like. i have this amazing women friend in my life. she and i have this connection even though we have not known each other that long. but alas, she is a lesbian and no poly and will only be friends with someone who is poly. we flirt, we cuddle, we have amazing talks but nothing more. it makes miss having a woman in my life so much that i can have that plus the sexual part. sigh......maybe someday....we will see.

My trip to NJ

Cindy — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 07:04:56 GMT

Hey my friends... I am going to be in the NJ/NY area for my christmas holiday. I am stay with family in Berkley Heights but I will be traveling to the city often. So if any of my friends life around the area, let me know. The only thing is that I do not have the use of a car. :)

wonderful sunday

Cindy — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 16:03:10 GMT

I had a wonderful sunday with a friend of mine from tribe. He is in the area on business and we spend alot of sunday together, having lunch, walking on the beach and talking over coffee. I plan to see him again before he leaves for more time if I can, if not then brunch before his flight on weds. :)

Unprepared mood......

Cindy — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 07:47:04 GMT

A lot going on right now. Working on issues....they are making me think a lot. Figuring out things in my head. I try to look inside but it is deep and dark (yes my head is a vast cavern of nothingness......lol) I know it will all work out in the end....but until then..... I am in an "unprepared mood". Off to sleep and hopefully dream wonderful dreams.... A friend sent me this tonight.....at first it made me wonder.....now it make me ponder.... (see above)

a day alone.....

Cindy — Sat, 01 Sep 2007 15:23:25 GMT

WOW, i just realized yesterday that I will have Sunday day (well most of it alone). That has not happened in ...... like........I can not remember the last time. For the most part in the past I would have loved to hear that. Time to get things done. (yes there is even a list) Time to refex on what is going on in my life. Time to sleep in, watch stupid TV. But for some reason this is not happening. I feel off. I feel as though I will just sit and stare at the world going by. I started to think of friends I could call, but most everyone is busy. Then I think "what will I do" I feel stupid. I should just see what the day brings. Hopefully I will wake up and say "Okay world show me what you want me to do". Or I will sit in front of the computer and look at shiny, stingy BDSM toys all day and wish......

wow......vacation time....

Cindy — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 15:58:47 GMT

I can not believe the day has finally come. I am off on my vacation, it has been two years since I have been on a "true" (not visiting relatives). I am heading to upper state NY (Cooperstown) for 12 days of R and R in a big house on a lake. I am so excited (will miss my friends) but I need it. My life is so nuts most of the time and I am pretty centered in my life but there are still a few things that I am working on and this will help. I will take all my books to finally sit and study for my Birth Doula certificate, I will read books I have been putting off. I will write about my thoughts about my new master, I will sit in the sun and work on my tan. I will rest. I am hoping that I will come back with a smile on my face (yes even with all the flying) and a new center in my life. Kisses to you all. Cindy

Master started during the day

Cindy — Sat, 28 Jul 2007 18:38:41 GMT

He texted me early in the day. Telling me that I was his slut. How he wants me to be for him Master asked me what I was wearing at work today. I told him, a black shirt, green pants and matching pink bra and panties. Master told me to go in the bathroom and take off my panties and not to wear them for the rest of the day. I did what I was told to do. No more panties for the rest of the day. Master and I talked via text most of the day about how I was to serve him As the day went on, I got more and more excited to know what was going to happen next. With the silence of the rest of the day until we talked again all I could think about was serving him. In the evening I showed him a video of how I wanted to be "used" as a slut. Master told me he wanted that too. When I was done for the day and ready for bed. Master told me to be naked. When I was naked I was told to find 3 more videos showing how I wanted to be used and had a time period. I found 3 videos on how I want to be used and sent them to him when Master came back on to the computer. Master told he how proud of me he was. Master told me that I was his good slut. Master asked me if I was getting wet and I said "yes". Master asked me if I wanted to play with myself and I said "yes", he told me to wait. I said yes and I did. I did not touch myself but wanted to really bad. Master told me how much he loved me and was happy I was following his orders. Master kept asking what was turning me on, what I saw that I wanted from him and from us. I kept getting wetter and wetter and more turned on. Master finally told me to start playing with myself. He told me to get my toy out and start fucking my wet pussy. I put it in and turned it on and started fucking myself while Master told me what he wanted to do to me. How Master wanted me to be used by other people (how I wanted that too). Master told me that I was not to cum until he told me too. Master told me to wait until he said it was okay. This made me wetter and wetter. Master finally told me that I could cum. I fucked myself so hard and came so hard and could not stop. I could not stop thinking about being fucked so hard by my Master, by others who Master has given me to. After about 5 minutes, I finally calmed down enough to tell him that I was so happy he was in my life. I calmed down after about 30 mins and felt so loved. We are going down a path that is so amazing, want it more and more. Thank you Master.

i was blessed and still am in spirit.....

Cindy — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 04:17:39 GMT

A few years ago I was blessed to have an amazing man in my life. He was my first SO and was the one who gave the way I lived my life a name--Polyamory. He was my spirit mate. I have never felt that close to anyone in my life. He taught me to own my own feelings, to let myself grieve, let my self feel happiness and to understand what true love was all about. True love in the sense that you love someone no matter what, no matter how they feel, how they teach, how the learn to love life with your eyes open or closed. He taught me to look at a problem and just step back. Pretend like I am outside what is going on. To think about how it effects my heart, my head and my soul. To let it be me. Let what emotions come it it be real, most of all be honest. Don't let anyone take it away from you. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty that you need the emotions that go with it. Close your eyes and feel it. Let it be a part of you, let it make you cry, let it make you laugh, then put it away, the understanding that it might need to come back up in your life to teach you a lesson. He taught me to love someone for them. Not what they can do for me, what they want from it, just love them for themselves. Listen to your heart, mind and soul on what this person means in your life. Will this person teach you something, will they make you feel, will they make you think, will the be harmful or helpful and them decided if it is really something you want. He taught me that people will walk into your life and then out. With no reason, no explation just one minute they are there and the next they will be gone. They came into your life to teach you something, you may not know it at the moment, or in a week or in year but one day you will look and say "so and so was here for this", you will smile and then move on. There are times they will be here for a time and leave and come back. Do not question this just know that there is a reason. He taught me that I am someone special, I deserve love, I deserve the truth, I deserve to be in love I deserve the touch of someone, the love of someone, but most of all I deserve to be treated with respect, nothing will ever change that. I miss him so much sometimes it hurts like there is nothing else. I will go thru a rough time and get so made that he is not hear to help me. But in time I will feel his spirit help me thru what I am going thru. I will hear what he told me about step, how to take it one step at a time. I swear sometimes I will hear that voice telling me he loves me and that it will be okay. I know someday he will walk into my life again in time, whether it is in this life or the next. I see his face in my heart. I know there are people who walk in your life that you swear you new in a past life and he is one. My tears now are for the love that I have with him no matter where he is............ I love you Mike with all my heart and soul.

okay time to fess up.....

Cindy — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 07:35:38 GMT

I am curious how you found me on tribe? Why did you want to be my friend? Would you like to meet me in person (is you have not)? If you would ask my anything what would it be (nothing is off limits)? **giggles** C

i am back.....

Cindy — Fri, 01 Jun 2007 07:50:33 GMT

Hey everyone, I am back. Things are calmer now (well had a someone get a hold of my credit card and charged up a storm while I was at baycon so I spent the last two days dealing with that) and i missed you all so much. I am working on some relationship issues that come up when you are poly but I think with the help of friends who are willing to listen it is helping me alot. I am having to deal with a past issue that I never got resolved so it will be interesting. I am trying to work on my self esteem issues too with this. Baycon was so awesome. Got to have time with my playmate from SD (no enough but got that "special time" and that was the best.) Spent alot of time with friends and flirting with old ones. Was really too busy to do a whole lot but did drink and have fun. I so want to next year have pretty things to wear....It is a pirate theme. I am going to find someone who can help me sew some. I would love to get a corset to show of my assets more. I am working on thinking that I am sexy and want to show it off. I did run into someone who has been my LJ friend for a long time and he told me that my pictures do not do me justice. Kisses to you all. Again I missed you guys so much. Love..... Cindy

the insane world that I live in.

Cindy — Fri, 18 May 2007 05:55:04 GMT

Well ladies and gentleman the world spinning around and around.....and I would like to get off for a short time, but that will not happen. I am so busy with work and work and well work oh and then there is sci-fi convention that I am working at memorial day weekend that I feel like I am so far behind on posting, commenting and seeing how my friends are doing. Just a heads up that I will be kind of away for awhile getting that merry go round to slow down and getting life to where i want it again. This will happen after the middle of june. I will try my best to read my tribes that I love but can not make any promises. If you need to get a hold of me you can email me at captivatinglove@gmail.com or IM me at: asoultotouch. I love you all and miss you all alot.

i need to say this everyday for awhile....

Cindy — Fri, 04 May 2007 01:21:53 GMT

Make Me Strong in Spirit Make me strong in spirit, Courageous in action, Gentle of heart, Let me act in wisdom, Conquer my fear and doubt, Discover my own hidden gifts, Meet others with compassion, Be a source of healing energies, And face each day with hope and joy. - Abby Willowroot

to a friend i lost 3 years ago to suicide....

Cindy — Tue, 17 Apr 2007 07:04:16 GMT

i miss you dear friend.....I wish i could have made the pain go away or the sunshine for always. I love you..... Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol We'll do it all Everything On our own We don't need Anything Or anyone If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? I don't quite know How to say How I feel Those three words Are said too much They're not enough If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told Before we get too old Show me a garden that's bursting into life Let's waste time Chasing cars Around our heads I need your grace To remind me To find my own If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told Before we get too old Show me a garden that's bursting into life All that I am All that I ever was Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see I don't know where Confused about how as well Just know that these things will never change for us at all If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Just realized I have lived here for 13 years......

Cindy — Mon, 16 Apr 2007 03:03:40 GMT

I have lived in the San Francisco area for 13 years. I have to say that I call this area my home now and forever. I have the most amazing friends, family and loves in my life. I have a wonderful home to live in, doing what I want with my life. I know what makes me happy and follow my dreams. I hope that the next 13, 26 and so on are as happy as these have been. Yes there have been ups and downs but they have made me a stronger person. THANK YOU to all the wonderful people in my life, those who I have met and those who I have not. You make me smile each and every day. You are there for the good and the bad and love me no matter what. You are my true friends. Hugs and Kisses

Lying here wondering.......

Cindy — Wed, 07 Mar 2007 12:21:36 GMT

Why do people certain people come into your life, leave, come back again and then leave without a reason why? I totally understand and know that there are certain people in my life that are meant to do that. They have come into my life at a certain point and shown me a part of myself that I did not know was here or was so blind to see it. I have learned something new about the world. They are people that I have a unspoken bond with that others do not understand. They are sometimes people I know I will never see again, life my first poly lover. He was my spirit-mate and yes I miss him sometimes that it hurts, but he showed a part of life that I never knew could be so amazing. He made me find my way, standing cross the room to be there if I fell, but let me take those steps. He someone I feel around me from time to time when I start to question who I am. There is a lover from my past that never gives up our love and cherishes the time we had together and the moments we share now in passing. He taught me that age has no bounds and left me learn about myself sexually with him. He taught me to let go, let someone else make you scream with passion. There is the love from a man who will even with reservations and uncertain let you try something new and maybe at some-point dangerous. He will be there if you need him but will also stand back and let you be free. He will hold you when you are sick, walk with you into the unknown and tell you he loves you no matter what happens. He will give you that part of him that no other has. There is the man who will take your hand, walk you into a place that is new, exciting, dangerous and unknown and bring you to a place that no other can. He will show you that letting go of your mind, body and your soul is okay when there is someone to hold it in a safe place. He will hold you up when it is over and cocoon until you are ready to have it back. The people that confuse me are the ones that will be there one minute and gone the next. No communication, nothing and then will return again the same way they left and so on. I feel as I get older I do not have the patience for that anymore, especially when there is no explanation. I guess I just want to know the "why". It is part of me, how I work. Just some pondering for the day.

Times flys when you are not having fun

Cindy — Thu, 08 Feb 2007 08:01:03 GMT

It has been awhile since I have posted so I thought this would be a good time. Life is flying by again and I have no idea where it goes. The holidays sucked alot because I was away from family and got a horrible cold. As the first of the new year came and went life has been going as nuts as normal, but I am slowing it down some. As a few friends on here know I work two jobs sometimes three, but that is going to change in March. I am FINALLY going to have my wishes come true and do what my passion is. I am going to work stricky for myself. I work when I want and won't when I want something new. How do I do that you ask. Well I am working as a Postpartum Doula full-time at night (studying for my Birth Doula Certificate) and starting my own cooking business. (This one will start slow). I am very excited about it. I am figure I am not getting any younger and why put off what I want. So I am doing it. Things in other area are okay. Since working so hard my social life has gone down hill and my pursuit of learning about my submissive side has been postponed, but not totally out of the picture. With scheduling time with my dom is hard between both of our schedule I am hoping we will have time soon. It does not mean that I am done with this part of my life but like most or all of you know things sometimes have to take a back burner. Love life is cool. Just have my sweetie right now but out there meeting new people and we will see. Taking that slow too. I have thinking more and more about maybe a FWB sort of thing, but not sure, something in the back of my mind. Home life is good when I am there. Blessed with amazing roommates as some of you have met. We have a wonderful roof over our heads and can pay the rent that is what is important. Getting back to doing needle point and love it. I miss that time were I can watch a movie and do things like this. I think that is about it. Baycon is coming up soon. A con I work but I am not a sci-fi girl so I just love to hang out. I think I will see someone of you there and maybe we can have a drink or something. Well work calls or crys, so I will leave you all now. Hugs and Kisses