I sit here at work, moving between the tears and the design projects on my desk in a way that I never knew could exist. Pencil on paper, ready to move yet with emotion pouring out through my eyes the the focus will not return. Then it shifts almost as sudden as it started, the pencil moves and I am able to create again. The outpouring of emotion lessens, the haze lifts from my eyes and I move my focus back to my work. Then it returns....and the singular thought comes back: I miss her.

We have lost someone very special; a friend, a beautiful person, an individual, a shinning light to all that knew her...a lover and soulmate to one of the best individuals I know.

Then the inescapable pain comes, pushing through my eyes again. I keep hearing the questions that we all ask; the ones where the answers really don't matter or make the pain go away yet we ask them over and over again as if the repetition and chorus of our combined voices will bring about an answer that will dull the pain or make it easier. I cry, I weep, I feel, yet through all of it I stay strong...

I have always considered myself a strong person and an individual that all of my friends lean on at anytime with anything cause they know that I will be here and never let them down. It is core to who I am and a big part of my identity....but that doesn't make it easy in times like these. I cope with things and let go in my own way...my meditation is on the field with my glove and a bat and in my garden each morning and evening....and I cry. I cry like nothing else matters...

Yet I still sit here asking the same question...."Why", wishing that an answer could possibly lead to closure for me, for us, for Tommy, all the while knowing that we have to be that answer. I will never understand why someone so vibrant and loved would be torn from our lives and nor do I expect to ever have that answer. The void created seems so all consuming at times, but I know I have to figure out a way to transverse it cause know that I have to be there for Tommy...he has been stronger then anyone could imagine and he needs my strength, all of our strength to get him through this.

And yet though all this, through all this rational thought and solidarity all I keeping thinking about is how much I miss her and wish she was here....