Hope is a wonderful thing but some times it is also synonymous with denial. For me particularly this happens when I face drastic changes in my life, changes that are painful to accept. So painful that it makes me blind, where I refuse to see how things really are and hope that they will turn otherwise. The reason in me knows that it is a lie, but I try none the less to hold on. I chose to elongate my own suffering, making my self vulnerable, fragile, only to have life kill me little by little.

This time around I feel some what fortunate, the denial did not last long, I was gifted with such intense blows to my soul that a part of me died. In that death I find some relief. It has forced me to accept the reality of things.

Not to say that I do not hurt, but I no longer give myself hope, build myself up only to be torn again. Time is the only remedy to this pain, I have been through it before, the sooner I accept it the sooner I heal. In that I find some peace.

My battle now is the transition from love to hate, it consumes me and in the process elongates my suffering. I am fighting it and trying to let go. I hope I can focus on my pain and what I need to do to get past it and not focus on the source. Its hard, but I find comfort in the fact that it shall pass.