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I'm bigger than most professional wrestlers, I prefer the softness of quilted toilet paper, and I enjoy long walks on the beach looking for bloated carcasses. I love life, and most everything I happen to share mine with, especially the wife, Chloe Sparkle. If you really want to get on my good side, take me out for a dessert date consisting of a mutant chocolate-coated macaroon and slightly melted French vanilla ice cream, followed by a bout of oneupmanship with your self-deprecating humor.

"God help me, I buried her in the earthen floor of the cellar."