Profilactic

the name is unbearably cutesy, but the service is pretty good. What it does is personal mashups of your "lifestream". A lifestream is the collection of all your social network site posts - from a LOT of social networks. Normally this would be not so big a deal, but... I have a bunch I belong to, like Tribe, and a personal blog, and a futuring blog....

Profilactic lets me put an rss feed of everything in the sidebar of my wordpress blog at www.gregb.com. It's cool and useful :)

www.profilactic.com/

Small Things

the little things build up
sand pushed to dune
one grain at a time
along the beach

which wind prevails
depends on location
ripples of earth
yield direction
after the fact

be careful climbing
granular shifts unsteady
footing whispered windsong
siren calls stop
rest before starting

little things build up
misunderstandings
careless words
a moment is enough
camels bear straw dogs.

clarity is not enough
lacking will to see
bones among the sand
polished ivory says
no water here
check at the next
mirage

fight or flight or.....

For a while now I've been kind of chewing over the "reptile brain" functions, with the sense that "fight" and "flight" aren't polar opposites in a single scale. It seems that "freeze" and "fuck" are also triggered at that level, by the same kinds of stimulus. Today this diagram emerged. I'm not utterly sold on it yet, but it's a first cut.

Curiousity....

So Saturday night, I was told "I hear you've been hitting on X, and she's afraid of you". Which would be reasonable if both

a. I knew who X was; and

b. I'd been hitting on anyone

For some reason this bothers me, perhaps more than it should. We'll see.

viewpoints

Optomist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: the glass is half empty
Empiricist: the 8 oz glass contains 4 ozs of water
Altruist: There's water if you're thirsty

Realist: the glass is full, containing 50% water and 50% air by volume.

Most of us: I'd rather have lemonade or iced tea

Uncomfortable Empathy

What Kind of Empath Are You? - You scored as a Judge

You are a Judge Empath, one who is a "truthsayer". You can tell truth from lies, good from evil. You do not tolerate wrong doing. You are a defender of the good and the innocent. You are kind and merciful but do not play foolish games. (from "The Book of Storms" by Jad Alexander
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This is one of those silly quizzes that feels uncomfortably true. I came across it, and Jad Alexander's work, about a month ago. I don't agree with everything he says, but overall it's a very good schema for describing empathy. And um, yeah, I'm avoiding discussing it... ok.

So. This set of characteristics has been good in some ways. It explains how I can look at budgets for organizations I'm not involved in, point at a line item, and say "something seems wrong here". In one case, what was wrong was a million-dollar fraud being perpetrated on the Portland Public School system. It had been going on for years. In another case, it uncovered a phony credit card fraud involving a very large bank. No idea on how big that one was - the bank was rather reticent when it came to details.

Unfortunately, it's come with a cost. If you're a judge empath, you're *compelled* at times to make a judgment . It won't always be right. We're humans, after all, and we project outwards as well. "Judge not lest you be judged" is impossible - it becomes "Judge right, because you will be judged by the same standards". At times, you will feel compelled to "blow the whistle", regardless of personal costs - like your job(s). It makes you seem arrogant (well, more arrogant, anyway *wry grin*) - "who are you to judge me?". It leads to painful , obsessive self-examination.

If you're me, at least, it gives you a deep understanding of "Satan"' as meaning accuser or prosecutor. False accusations are a major transmission of evil. And "evil" is not a concept I like , much preferring the adage "don't blame on malice what you can blame on stupidity, and don't blame on stupidity what you can blame on an upset stomach". The world is not black and white, it's in color, and "good vs evil" is just too one-dimensional.

The heaviest cost, though, has been in relationships. Several people, including two ex-wives, would willingly testify that being involved with me can feel like an Inquisition at times. Because empathy works largely on a non-conscious level, what I've tended to "read" are usually things my partner is actively in denial about. And because they are in denial, it feels like a false accusation. Sometimes it is - if I'm projecting. More often, time shows that it's true to a large degree. And sometimes it's uncovered flat-out conscious lies that I've desperately wanted to believe were true. In any event, empathy by definition means that speaking what you believe to be true in circumstances like these often causes pain. And if the judging person is an empath, he or she will feel not only their own pain, but the other person's as well.

Hopefully, recognizing that this is part of me will lead to better choices in partners. God willing... and the creeks don't rise.
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Addendum: I scored almost as highly as a "Healer", "Artist", and "Shaman". It might seem at this point that "Healer" and "Judge" are almost mutually exclusive. And yet..... it is not the job of a judge to convict, but to determine the truth. To tell someone that it is NOT their fault if they are falsely accused. To vindicate the innocent.

Notes - Telophilia

1. "Telophilia however is one step beyond that being an empathetic, synergistic relationship of all levels, including soul. These soul-relationships may not include sex but because they amplify kundalini they can be more energetically and intensely intimate and transformative than sexual relationships...

In certain relationships, the level of profound close goodness is so great that any thing that gets in the way of that that is not pure, clear connection will feel incredibly bad to the degree that I will have to amend it or feel almost sick. My partner in this will feel it too. Our inclination is to exit the relationship, or withdraw, or become clingy, but none of those actions work except to cause further pain. The ONLY way out is THROUGH. ... it is spiritually imperative that what has arisen that causes pain is dealt with. Each of us has to take extreme responsibility for our own feelings, and be brutally honest, completely open and non-defensive and able to listen in a space created purposely for the healing."...

It's possible to heal to some degree even if the other person takes no responsibility for their actions or feelings, and wouldn't recognize brutal self-honesty or honesty with the other if it flogged them. It seems to be a partial healing, and in this case exiting the relationship seems to be necessary. Remaining in a relationship where one is compelled to grow and the other chooses to deny is self-destructive - because there is no way through without true communication or interaction. Instead, the "active" partner will feel increasingly isolated, confused, and misunderstood.

Instead of playing in the energy field of mutuality, it becomes yet another exercise in self-absorption. The harder the active partner tries to make sense of the relationship, the deeper they enmesh themselves in their own mind and emotions. At this point, the mismatch in willingness and experience causes the pain. Since we cannot force someone to face us - let alone his or her Self - the only way to actually remove the pain is to let the relationship go.

The danger here is that the active partner will fall into cynicism, or like Diogenes wander the world looking for "one honest man". All that is required, actually, is to recognize that the passive partner has been a catalyst,and by their own choice has refused to engage in the process. If the future of humanity - and by extension, the future of individual humans - is dependent on communication, a relationship of this type is an evolutionary dead end. And while we may mourn the passing of the dodo, it's still extinct.

This leads to other questions - is love a casualty in this? What is the active ex-partner to do? (There are no questions about what the passive ex-partner is to do - because typically they will continue to do nothing real. The odds are they aren't reading this anyway.)

Love is not a casualty. The capacity for love has increased, albeit in a lopsided way. Balancing that is what the active ex-partner will probably engage in. There will be a tendency to deny, reframe, or forget the experience. While it would be preferable to simply accept the disappointment, this can be difficult when the potential was so clear to the active partner.


2 . Following is an outline of the stages of soul relationship but to a certain extent all stages happen at once to varying degrees as well.

1. MEETING
Recognition, initiation, surges of energy in the head and solar plexus, enlivening of the genitals. Enlarging of ones field in relation to the other, heightening of alertness and energy level. Irresistible magnetic pull, constancy of attention and soul urge to be in each others presence.

Greg's NOTE: This is a prime opportunity for denial to rear it's head. While one may pass through fear at this point, refusing to face the reality kills the potential.

2. QUICKENING
Spiritual acceleration, extreme heart opening, purging, purifying, nausea, awe, hope. Clearing, tidying up loose ends, nest building, talking to oneself, physical exercise to absorb tension. Alternating periods of hyperactivity (sympathetic) with heart expanding lethargy (parasympathetic).

Greg's NOTE: Dance. Dance. Dance. Get unconscious. Repeat. Too much repetition will kill the process.

3. RUBBERBANDING
Alternating surrender with periods of sensual indulgence as the ego tries to use and/or suppress the charge. Boundary testing, uncertainty, exploration and resolution of differences. Blowing off the cocoon through compression and expansion.

Greg's NOTE: to compress, descend into the watery depths and increase the emotional pressure. To expand, ascend into the rarefied atmosphere. Watch out for rapture of the deep and oxygen deprivation. The uncertainty is difficult - but certainty here is often an illusion. One can be certain, however, that denial from stage 1 will manifest here and stunt the growth. It's not a cause for uncertainty - it's time to let go.

4. TOLERANCE
Bodymind gains faith, becomes stronger quieter and more peaceful. Learns to protect and allow the intense opening energy cycles of soul-merger. Rewiring to handle the amplified energy and kinesthetic senses.

Greg's NOTE: a particularly challenging stage. Trust your bodymind - it will handle the rewiring, you don't need to direct it.

5. SURRENDER
Attraction to spiritual intimacy as soul increasingly incarnates with the opening of the bodymind. There is a letting go of morbid thoughts and behaviors as trust develops. Eros progressively triumphs over Thanatos.

Greg's NOTE: this is a key stage, and delicate. It will loop back to stages 2 or 3 unless both people are engaged. Continued loopback is a sign that either one or both of the partners are avoiding the process.

6. TRANSPARENCY
Proactive- YES AND Green-lighting Spirit. With conscious joint metamorphic alchemy there is a movement from deprivation states to co-Being. Sympathetic resonance causes the falling away of resistance and strengthens the ability to enjoy love.

Greg's NOTE: the key word in the step 6 description is conscious. Without consciousness, the process devolves into a standard dysfunctional mismatch.

7. SUBSTANTIATION
Maintenance of a mature equilibrium of holding the We Space, while still sustaining full individuation. Potent, creative, cooperative partnership, mature monogamy-(RAM)

Greg's NOTE: while this is the Vision, I can't speak to the Reality

Redemption

He says you need to pay
for this passage. He says
the debt was already paid
twice.

She says the boat will sink
anyway, but remember to keep
those copper coins in your
pocket.

When I looked back
You had already gone
nothing left but mounds of bone
dust

He said no pay no
play, but she couldn't
believe she'd missed the
boat.

6/8/2008

off the market

Do not buy in to love
It's not a transaction
Do not speculate in love
It's not a commodity

Do not trade your soul for love
It's not that kind of exchange
Do not expect a controlling interest
It's not that kind of merger

Do not exchange love
It's not that kind of currency
Do not corner love
It's not that kind of monopoly

Markets deal in fear
Scarcity by definition
And you can't pay grass
To grow in the spring.

6/6/2008

symbology

breathe in darkness
rely on your eyes
for nothing, now
feel your way
merge meaning
with sensation
a touch - a word
a caress - a phrase
entwined in sentences
connection and desire

sigils traced, fingered
figures erased after
the deathdance
was done.
you say
this isn't my scene
you say
it's not what I want
feeling the whole hand
embarrassed and confused
the voice whispers in your head
"now you've been marked"
still feeling the warmth
after the bruise fades
you return

6/4/2008