A Room of My Own

I'm so tired of being alone

delani — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 18:49:25 GMT

I'm normally an introvert. I enjoy solitude and quiet. But, when every night you eat dinner alone, then go to bed alone, it wears on you. Anywhere you go - out to lunch, to a concert, anything - you're alone. It's bad enough when you're single, but to me, it seems worse when you're in a relationship and still you're alone. It's the worst of both worlds. For eight years, I was married to a man who mostly worked in kitchens. Except for that one year he worked construction, our marriage was almost a part-time deal. We didn't see each other very often. He never had weekends off, so we couldn't go anywhere or do anything together. His schedule changed every week, so we couldn't make plans together. And somehow I've ended up in another relationship that's just the same. My new bf is a great guy, but he works for the Red Cross. He works 6 to 7 days a week, often 10- to 14-hour days, with overnight travel common each week. His days off are also pretty random (and rare). I don't want to break it off with him - he has shown me a lot of kindness, caring, and willingness to listen and try to meet my needs. He basically moved heaven and earth to be with me on my birthday. That was so great of him to do, but it also clues me in that because it was such a major deal, he won't be able to do it again. So, it's pretty much out of the question to make any plans with him. Two things are going on this week I would have really liked to have gone to with him: Yonder Mountian String Band last night at George's, and Tango Fire Saturday night. He was too tired last night and will probably work Saturday. Sure, there's nothing stopping me from going to the shows and concerts I want to see, but somehow it's not as much fun to go by yourself. Try this: the next place you go, whether it's a restaurant, a performance, whatever, just look around. Notice if there are any people there by themselves. It's rare. Mostly, people come out to public venues *with* other people, either partners or friends. A single person sticks out like a sore thumb. In some venues, like bars or nightclubs, it actually feels hostile to be all alone - people assume you're single and judge you based on that assumption. I'm just not sure I can do this - this alone-all-the-time-but-not-single thing - anymore. I'm tired of the predominant feeling in my life being "missing" someone. I'm tired of having all the loneliness of being single, but not being able to date.

The value of a marriage, in dollars

delani — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 01:59:34 GMT

Today I did it - I sold my wedding dress & ring. What a haul: One 14K gold wedding band, white & yellow gold, $400 new = $22. One 1920s style lace sheath dress, $200 new + one faux-pearl beaded headdress, $25 new = $18 store credit at a resale shop. Wow - what a fortune. I guess it sorta sums up the marriage in general - a really poor investment. So I splurged with my newfound wealth & bought a Roller Girls T-shirt, a brown dress, and a skirt at the resale shop. Later, I ate lunch at a cheap Chinese food buffet. So I guess this is the good life, lol.

I'm done with it

delani — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 17:02:11 GMT

It's been about 4 months since my marriage ended (see my blog post: http://scryberwitch.multiply.com/journal/item/109/The_End.). It seems like it's been a lot longer than that - I've worked through the grieving process and even started dating again (by accident, actually). I had made a vow that after the holidays were over, I would get the paperwork and start the process of filing for divorce. We don't have any kids or property together, so it should go smoothly. It's now 18 days into the new year, and I finally got online and got the information I need to take to my ex and get this started. I don't feel sad at all. Just disappointed, kinda. I went through my closet and threw away all our wedding pictures and memorabilia, and tomorrow I'm taking my dress to a consignment shop and selling my ring. The End.

When it rains, it pours

delani — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 19:21:40 GMT

More financial woe...my poor little car - a beat-up, 14-year-old Geo - may be on its last legs. For four years, it has run well and been very reliable. But recently things keep going out, and since I'm too poor to fix them, they keep getting worse. First, the solonoid started sticking. What that means is, once in a while, it won't start. In that case, I have to pop the hood, get out, and tap the solonoid with a tire-iron. Then it starts OK. Then, the alternator belt started squealing. I replaced it, but within a week, it was squealing again. It obviously needs tightening, but I can't afford to do that. On top of that, my mom broke my inside door latch, so it doesn't open from the inside. For months, I've had to roll down the window to let myself out. All that rolling up & down caused my window to come off track, so now it's a major pain in the ass to get in and out of the car. And last but not least, yesterday my battery died. I'm waiting for a ride to take it to the battery center & get it charged (and pick it up tomorrow). It's frustrating - out here in my neck of the woods, there isn't any public transportation to speak of, so if you work, you must have a car. I'm hoping to keep the little thing limping along for just a couple more months, till I get my tax refund, and then I'll fix all the crap that's been piling up. Wish me luck.

On sugar daddies

delani — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 20:02:32 GMT

Over on XX Factor, there’s a great discussion about that old stand-by fantasy: the sugar daddy. Particularly, how young journalists, facing such brutal economic times, might be tempted into a sort of “accidental concubine” position. You know the story: the plucky, independent-yet-starving creative girl who gets “rescued” by the knight in shining armour, enabling her to continue her artsy-fartsy ways while still enjoying a middle- (or upper-) class lifestyle. As a child of working-class people in the ’70s, I never indulged in that fantasy. My world was filled with adult women who worked - mostly out of economic necessity, but the idea that a man would come along and “rescue” them from work was never an option. Working was just what adults did to provide for their families. And experience had shown that you can’t depend on a man, so you’d better have some job skills, sister. As a young woman, I was expected go to college - not to snag a man, but to get an education that would bestow better earning power than my foremothers before me had. And yet I find myself in a strange situation. Since graduating with my master’s in journalism in May, I have not been able to find a decent full-time job, which left me pretty much dependent on my husband until he left several months later. With no other support, I burned through my savings to pay the bills while working several part-time and/or freelance jobs. I’m in a very tough situation - because I have so little left in my savings, I may well end up homeless if my income doesn’t pick up soon. And I have no family to help me; my mom & sister already share a one-bedroom apartment. Here’s where it gets weird: I just started dating again, and the man I’m seeing makes decent scratch working for the Red Cross. My die-hard feminist pride would never allow me to ask my new boyfriend to let me move in with him. But if I got to that point - where I could no longer pay the rent - I’m sure he’d ask me to. Which brings up the burning question: which is better - living in a car with my dignity intact, or moving into my boyfriend’s house and feeling like a concubine (or at the very least, a charity case)? The funny thing is, I’ve usually been on the other side of this equation. Quite a few of my past boyfriends came to live with me because they were out of work. I suppose if my boyfriend and I had been going out longer - in other words, had a more established relationship - I wouldn’t be so conflicted about it. But it is what it is, and all I can do is keep my fingers crossed while I scan the want ads.

Update, after two years

delani — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 17:01:17 GMT

Looking back over my previous entries, it is amazing how much my life has changed - how much I have changed. For one thing, yes, I did go to grad school, and graduated in May of this year. I still haven't found a job that I can actually live on, but I am now working for the local community access TV station doing event co-ordinating, which is very fulfilling. My son is 18, a big deal, but doesn't graduate until 2010. I don't dance anymore, and only do henna on myself or friends - and even then, rarely. I'm mostly trying to make it as a writer, which is really random and doesn't pay well. But the biggest change is more recent - in September, right before our eighth anniversary, my husband left me. I spent a couple months dealing with that (see my posts: http://scryberwitch.multiply.com/journal/item/109/The_End. , http://scryberwitch.multiply.com/journal/item/110/Catching_up , http://scryberwitch.multiply.com/journal/item/111 ). And surprisingly, I find myself dating again (post here: http://scryberwitch.multiply.com/journal/item/118/How_to_avoid_a_rebound_relationship ). I feel like a totally different person than the one who wrote these last entries two years ago. And maybe I am.

I'm back!

delani — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 03:49:21 GMT

Well, here I am with my tail between my legs. I left Tribe.net for one of those other networking sites...and I have to say, it was a mistake. I have so many more friends here, and I get so many more responses to my blog posts. So, tribe friends, will you have me back?

My new favorite show

delani — Thu, 01 Jun 2006 16:17:55 GMT

I confess; I have a weakness for animated shows. I've been in love with the Simpsons since I first "discovered them" in syndication several years ago. I'm a big fan of Futurama, also created by Matt Groening. Back in the day, MTV's "Liquid Television" was *the* place to catch new, experimental animation (it's where both Beavis & Butthead and Aeon Flux got their start - both shows I *love.*). Ren & Stimpy, Pinky & the Brain, the Tick...I've been devoted to them all at one point or another. And I've just discovered a new love. The Oblongs, created by Angus Oblong, airing on Adult Swim and TBS. It's actually in syndication, since it originally aired in 2001 and lasted only 13 episodes. But this show has got to be the most radical, subversive thing I have *ever* seen. Just a quick summary: the Oblongs are a family of variously-mutated people living in Hill Valley. The dad, an armless-and-legless torso named, hilariously enough, Bob, is the button-down, pipe-smoking dad straight out of the 1950's. Pickles, the tall matriarch, chain smokes and drinks. But that doesn't make her a bad mother. The kids are Biff & Chip, conjoined twins; Milo, the bald middle child with every known childhood disorder; and Beth, the cute-as-a-button 4-year-old with an enormous growth sticking out of her head. The Oblongs live in the Valley - the toxic, polluted wasteland where all the poor people live. Up above them and the cloud of smog, the Hill folk are surrounded by pristine, manicured lawns, live in big houses, and all look exactly alike. It is in this setting - a microcosm of modern America - that the issues of class are confronted head-on. On the surface, it's just a strangely-morbid sitcom about a mutant family. But barely scratch the surface and you see laid bare the Big American Lie: namely, that we have no classes and everyone can attain the American dream if we just work hard and try hard enough. No other show (that I'm aware of) deals with economic class issues in such a frank, honest, in-your-face way. I'll spare you my full sociological analysis of the show (since I want to save it for Ms. Magazine), but for more info you can check out the creator's site: http://www.angusoblong.net/theoblongs.html , or for more in-depth treatment of the characters and history of the show, the Wikipedia entry: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Oblongs . And, of course, you can catch the show yourself on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim at 10:00 CST (opposite another fave, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart). The show also airs on TBS on Saturdays, between 2 and 5 am.

Memorial Day

delani — Tue, 30 May 2006 15:18:44 GMT

Monday was great - we had my folks and a couple of friends over to just hang out, eat hamburgers & hot dogs, and play games. It was a lot of fun. But the *best* thing about Monday was, I got the whole house really clean. Even though my hubby is home all day (he works like 3 nights a week), he doesn't clean the house very much. He gets offended when I say this, because he claims he cleans. But it's very slap-dash: he'll clean only one room, like the bathroom, and the rest of the house still looks like a pit. And what he does clean, he doesn't clean all that well. The inch of dust on the entertainment center will attest to that. So my mom brought out a vacuum for us to borrow and I cleaned the *shit* out of my house. We haven't had a working vacuum in months, so the carpet was *filthy.* Now, the house looks so good...it made me feel so much better. I have a classic Type A Personality; when my surroundings aren't neat and orderly, I'm tense and annoyed. So just having a clean house has made me more relaxed. I know, it's picky...but I believe it's a behavior we evolved for a reason. Think about it: if your home is dirty, you have a much higher chance of breeding disease in that dirt. And of course it will attract parasites & vermin. A dirty home - especially if that home is a cave or a tent in the wilds of the Neolithic - would be an unsafe home for everyone in it - *especially* infants & small children. So, the slightly anal types who just didn't feel right unless their cave was neat and clean would be less likely to have diseases or mice or whatever, thereby being (on the whole) healthier, stronger, and more well-fed (since mice wouldn't be eating all their food). The slobs would have a higher chance of dealing with disease and pests, which would make them and their children (on the whole) less healthy and well-fed. Guess who's gonna win that race. So I don't feel bad about my slightly "obsessive" need to have a clean house. I'm carrying on a very important lesson passed down through thousands of generations of women - keep your house clean and your family healthy.

Grad School?

delani — Tue, 23 May 2006 15:49:40 GMT

So I've been thinking about going to Grad School. Since I want to write, I thought the Creative Writing program might be the thing to do. Though a friend of mine says that the program is very narrow and the professors are hyper-critical, I thought just *having* to write every day would be good for me. But of course there are practical considerations. If I went to grad school, I would have to quit my extremely cushy job. I would *have* to get a graduate assistantship, which pays my tuition and pays me a modest stipend (I'd be taking a pay cut of about $400 a month). Which won't be a big deal, if my hubby can get a full-time job. So, the decision isn't an easy one. And here is where it gets interesting...I was at the Journalism department getting my summer classes in order, when they offered me a graduate assistantship. I didn't even ask - they offered it to me, specifically. I would be working for a friend and former professor. She told me the job was mine, all I had to do was accept. Wow. Talk about having a solution fall into your lap... But do I really want to get my Master's in Journalism? I don't see how it would hinder my desire to write for a living. It might be more practical, since with my Master's, I could teach - I'd be in acedemia, and still able to write. It's almost too perfect. My pessimistic side wants to find fault with it. But really, a lot more fault could be found in going for Creative Writing than Journalism. I feel like I've stepped into a fast-flowing river, where the current is just pushing me along. I have no idea where I'm going, but in a way I'm not sure that's important. Perhaps in trusting the Universe to carry me, I will be where I'm supposed to be, and maybe the destination isn't as important as the journey.

Back into the college life

delani — Thu, 18 May 2006 18:54:40 GMT

As of today, I am officially a student of the University of Arkansas (again)! I was re-admitted today, and Monday I'll register for my last two classes...all I have left between me and that shiny sheepskin. Truthfully, I'm not really going back to campus life. One class I'm going to CLEP out of (which, for you non-students out there, means you take a test, and if you pass, you get credit for the entire class), and the other will be "independent study," which means I don't have to actually attend any classes. Whoo-hoo! I can almost taste that sweet, sweet diploma. It's only taken me 15 freakin' years to get it! And so of course the question of grad school is on my mind. I'm tempted to try and do it, though I can't for the life of me decide what for, other than I really enjoy being a student. I could totally do the "professional student" gig - I'm so at home in acedemia. I like the free time, the intellectual challenge, and the cultural opportunities on campus. I'm just not sure why I would want to get a Masters degree. Well, that's getting a bit ahead of myself...now I just need to focus on getting my Bachelors this summer!

Eureka Springs Art Festival

delani — Tue, 16 May 2006 18:36:43 GMT

It was a lot of fun. I'm so glad that *finally* I had a good fest - the last two were total busts. I didn't make a pile of money or anything, but I broke even with a little extra. And, I did a lot of local (Eurekan) kids, so I'm hoping that I'll get some parties out of it. Mainly I did teenagers, wanting typical butterflies or hearts on the shoulder, hip, or ankle. Meh. I did get to do one young woman who wanted a big, crazy traditional Indian design. I gave her a lot more than what she paid for, since I was so happy to do some actually *artistic* henna for once. This weekend I'm going to the Midwest Wimmin's Festival (http://www.joricostello.com/mwf ), then I'll be at the Eureka Springs Sunday Market for Memorial Day weekend. Wish me luck! I'm also looking into some other fests out of state - but I'm being really paranoid right now (see previous post), so I won't post the details till I've got them booked.

Undercutting sux

delani — Wed, 10 May 2006 14:44:37 GMT

I'm so mad right now!!! I'm still in the process of finding and booking fests to do henna at. One event is the Fayetteville Peace Fest, which started up last year, and despite getting rained out, was shaping up to be a great fest. This was during the time I was trying out doing walk-ins at a newly-opened tattoo parlor/aromatherapy shop /art gallery. I had paid for the booth at the fest, and the owner of the shop had asked if she could share a booth with me, to do temporary tattoos, and split the cost. Well, she showed up like an hour late, and when her first customer showed up, she discovered she had left some vital thing at her shop. Then it began raining so she just packed it up and left. She wasn't there 30 mins., so I told her not to worry about the booth fee. I, however, actually did pretty well for getting rained on. Anyway, I e-mailed the peace fest organizer last week to see if he was planning on having one again this year, because I wanted to do henna again. At this point I should note that the shop owner used to do henna (at least that's what she told me). Well, when the organizer e-mailed me back, he said that he'd love to have me, but a friend of his had agreed to do henna *for free* in exchange for him promoting her *tattoo parlour.* It's got to be her. And that is super shitty to totally undercut me on this fest. I e-mailed him back very polite and businesslike and said basically that if it didn't work out with his friend that I'm still interested. But I'm so steamed...this fest would probably be a really lucrative one for me. (edited to add): Besides being the one who showed up, set everything up, and stayed to henna people in the pouring rain, I was also one of the few - if not the only - vendors who actually *paid* for my booth. When it started raining, and people were packing it up, the person in charge of the vendors went around to everyone. She told me she would just waive the booth fee since they were canceling the event. Since I had already made that much, and still had people waiting in line, I paid her anyway. A friend of mine suggested that I contact the organizer and tell him (in a polite way of course) that it's really not cool to do this. We're supposed to be supporting local artists, and letting someone give it away undercuts and devalues local artists. I don't know if I should do that, though, because I don't want to give him a bad impression or piss him off. Maybe I could confront the shop owner, in a positive way, and maybe suggest she do her temporary tattoos instead, so we both get what we want. Any suggestions?

The weekend...

delani — Mon, 08 May 2006 20:27:56 GMT

was horrible. It was cold and rainy all day Saturday. Needless to say, there weren't many people there, and I only did one henna all day. It was going to be my last bellydance performance, but due to a) the awful weather and b) the fact that the organizers didn't have a proper stage built for us, we just basically cut and ran. I didn't want to camp in the cold and rain so we just packed it up and drove home. It wasn't all bad, though. We met some really nice people - like the lady in the booth next to us. Her name is Tressa and she does fancy braiding (how cool is that?). She did my hair in a *fabulous* do that I left in all weekend. I took it out this morning and now I have big, poofy, curly hair! I certainly hope we have good weather next weekend. I'm going to be at the Art Festival in Eureka Springs and not only did I pay for the booth, I'm bringing an assistant with me, so I need to make enough to pay her too! Keep your fingers crossed for me, and think happy, sunny thoughts...

And now some bad news

delani — Fri, 05 May 2006 18:18:55 GMT

Bill would make sex toys illegal in South Carolina (Columbia-AP) April 21, 2006 - A state lawmaker wants to ban the sale of sex toys. Republican Representative Ralph Davenport of Boiling Springs proposed the bill that would add sex toys to the state's obscenity laws. Davenport's bill would make it a felony to sell devices used primarily for sexual stimulation. The proposal also would allow law enforcement to seize sex toys as contraband. Davenport wouldn't talk to The Associated Press Friday about his bill. Davenport's home county of Spartanburg has been aggressive in recent months in pursuing charges against owners of adult-oriented businesses. Police there say, however, they are uncertain how Davenport's proposal would help their investigations. Posted 5:58pm by Chantelle Janelle What century are we in? Seriously...this is just so fascist I don't have any words for it.

The best news I've heard in a decade...

delani — Wed, 03 May 2006 19:53:11 GMT

From The Los Angeles Times: "Mexico to Allow Use of Drugs By Sam Enriquez Mexican President Vicente Fox will sign a bill that would legalize the use of nearly every drug and narcotic sold by the same Mexican cartels he's vowed to fight during his five years in office, a spokesman said Tuesday. The list of illegal drugs approved for personal consumption by Mexico's Congress last week is enough to make one dizzy -- or worse. Cocaine. Heroin. LSD. Marijuana. PCP. Opium. Synthetic opiates. Mescaline. Peyote. Psilocybin mushrooms. Amphetamines. Methamphetamines." Read the whole story here: http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/world/la-fg-legalize3may03,0,5634216.story?track=tothtml . This is so incredible...finally, another nation wakes up to how utterly assinine and ineffective prohibition is. Selling drugs or using them in public would still be illegal, which makes sense. But this effectively cuts the legs out from under dealers and cartels - which is where almost all the problems associated with drugs originates. By forcing it underground, and making it a criminal activity, prohibition creates and funds violent gangs and cartels. Just look up the alcohol prohibition in our country for a perfect example. Now I'm even more positive that I'm going to retire in Mexico.

Getting Ready for My First Ren Faire

delani — Tue, 02 May 2006 14:46:37 GMT

Well, not my first Ren Faire, just my first one doing henna and dancing. We're (my troupe, Belli Trybe) going to be performing Saturday at MayFaire in Newton County. Info here: http://herbhome.tripod.com/mayfaire.html . I'll also be doing henna at a booth all weekend. So far, the weather prediction looks pretty good - highs in the mid-60s, only a slight chance of rain. I'm excited about camping at a Ren Faire, but also a little apprehensive about dancing. It's freakin' hard to get ready in a tent - it takes at least an hour to get on all the layers of costuming, not to mention the elaborate hair-do's and make-up. I'm glad it's my last performance. From now on I'll be able to relax and enjoy my camping trips and festivals.

Dealing with Tyrants

delani — Mon, 01 May 2006 15:33:27 GMT

It seems that I can never escape some tyrant or another - if it's not George Bush stripping away my rights, it's some petty middle-school principal threatening to punish my son to prove her authority over me. I just got back from a nice weekend hanging out with the girls, when I see my son has brought a note home from school. It's from his principal, a form letter, basically threatening me with denying him credit for this year (failing him) and turning me in to the Prosecuting Attorney because of too many absences. This woman (his principal) has been harrassing me about this to no end. The basic deal is this: I took my son to the Crossinology clinic in Boulder for a new, experimental therapy - he has ADD and a form of Autism. The principal didn't want to excuse my son's absence because it would be during their "Benchmark" tests - tests that have no bearing on his grades; they are just state-mandated bureaucratic assessment tools. But apparently, schools can be denied funding if too many students fail them or are absent from them. After threatening me with failing my son if I took him, she relented and said that as long as I brought back a note from the doctor when we got back it would be OK. So I did. Now I get this note. I'm not really sure what to make of it...it's a standard form letter, so I'm not sure which threats specifically apply to me. My son said it was because the therapist he saw wasn't a "real" doctor. I haven't called the principal back yet, because I want to find out exactly what my rights are. But this has got to be stopped - the threats, the intimidation, the harrassment - all because I took my autistic son to a new and unconventional form of treatment. What's worse is what this is doing to my son...when he came back to live with me two years ago, he was failing every subject and was such a problem he had to attend a day-treatment therapy school instead of public schools. Now, he goes to regular public school (though he has to take special-ed classes), and his lowest grade is a C. And after all his work and progress, this bitch is going to fail him because I took him away for two weeks for therapy??? What kind of message does she think that sends to him? Yeah, I'm just a little pissed about the whole thing...

Gone for the Weekend

delani — Fri, 28 Apr 2006 15:51:47 GMT

I'm so excited...I'm leaving today to go out to a friend's cabin out on the War Eagle Creek, just to spend time with my girlfriends and chill. Of course, the forecast is for rain all weekend. But I'm not going to complain...we need the rain desperately, and I can have just as much fun hanging out in the cabin with my girlfriends. I so need this...Starting next weekend, the henna season officially starts, and I'm going to be busy, busy busy almost every weekend till October. So, I'll be back Sunday night! Bye for now!

WytcheHaven Weekend

delani — Tue, 18 Apr 2006 15:24:25 GMT

I'm back! I'm red as a lobster and tired, but happy. It was a mixed weekend, I have to say. It was a six hour drive to the spot. My son complained and whined the entire weekend. Granted, it was boring for him, with no-one his age to hang out with and nothing really to do. It was hot; our campsite was in an old cowfield full of stobs, stickers, cow poo, and ticks. There was no shade and the wind was like a hurricane at night. The highway was nearby so we heard more traffic than we do at home in the city. Our tent kept blowing so hard and loud I couldn't sleep (now I know we need to get a better tent). But the people were really nice. It was a small turnout; I didn't make much money doing henna. But I got to meet some wonderful people and visit with old friends we hadn't seen in a while. So, I can't say that we didn't enjoy ourselves.

I am not who I thought I was...

delani — Wed, 12 Apr 2006 16:51:28 GMT

I had a sudden realization strike me, of all places, from a Subaru commercial. The commercial shows a mountian biker, a kayaker, and a camper...and I was totally identifying with them, even though I don't mountain bike or kayak. I've always thought of myself as that "type": the camper girl, ready at a moment's notice to thow my gear in the back of the vehicle and head off to canoe topless down the Illinois River, or camp out at the Mulberry Jam (or the Moo or whatever hippie music fest was happening), or just hike around Devil's Den for the afternoon. Then it hit me - I'm not that anymore. I haven't been canoeing in at least 7 years. I hardly ever go camping anymore either - when my ex left me, he took most of the camping gear. All I have now is a tent and a leaking air mattress. And the car I drive now just doesn't have the room my old Honda station wagon did (when you folded down the back seat, you almost had as much cargo room as a small truck). This is freaking me out. I've gotten fat and soft and my camper girl self is in danger of dying. And I loved her! She was fun and strong and independent and spontaneous. So, I'm committed to bringing her back. We will get better camping equipment and I will *make* the time to camp and canoe this summer. I may have to get a new vehicle, though.

Saying goodbye to something I love

delani — Mon, 10 Apr 2006 16:56:16 GMT

I've been putting off posting this for a couple of reasons. First, I put it off because I hadn't *really* decided yet...then once I had finally, firmly made the decision, I put off posting for fear a certain friend would read it and be upset with me. But I've thought about it, and my friend (you know who you are) is a good person and I think she'll understand. After six years, I've decided to quit bellydancing. Believe it or not, it really isn't because of all the drama in the BD community. I can choose to ignore that. What I've had to accept, is that bellydance is a very high-maintanance hobby. You really need to spend several hours a week practicing if you want to be good. You have to buy expensive costumes (or make time-consuming ones) if you are going to perform. You need space to practice. You need to constantly be challenged to improve yourself. I can't really do any of that. I only have practice once a week, for 2 hours (which is actually only an hour and a half). I can't practice at home because: a) I don't have time; and b) even if I could squeeze in a half-hour here or there, I have *no space* to move in my tiny apartment. And I sure can't afford to rent space in a studio. So for several months now, I've been feeling more and more guilty about this, but I absolutely cannot give any more. So, the smart thing to do is to quit. I have two more performances with my troupe - one this weekend at WytcheHaven (www.wytchehaven.org ), and in two weeks at the Mayfaire in Newton County. After that performance, I'll break the news to my troupe and start selling/giving away all my costumes & stuff. It makes me very sad to do this. I love dancing, and I know it gives joy to others. But I just don't have the time and energy to do it properly, and I am not happy with doing it half-assed. So, I think this is the best choice for me.

Thursday nights

delani — Fri, 07 Apr 2006 16:00:32 GMT

are for CSI. I am totally addicted to that show. But last night, and last Thursday night, CSI was pre-empted by the freakin' weather. Both times, there *might* have been a tornado in Oklahoma or Ft. Smith. No damage, no nothing...but channel 5 KFSM just had to blather on for an *hour* about how it *might* become dangerous. Shut up already! That's why they invented crawls across the bottom of the screen. Ooooo, I'm so pissed. OK, now that I've gotten my "Rain Man" episode out there...what else should I share? I haven't had time to watch much TV. I've been organizing my henna design books, tracking down and applying for various festivals and farmers' markets, practicing henna on myself, and mainly gearing up for WytcheHaven Weekend next weekend (info at www.wytchehaven.org ). I think I'm not going to do any more events where I'm camping, dancing, and doing henna. It's just *way* too much crap to lug around. Camping and doing henna, maybe OK, or doing henna & dancing, but not all three! One of these days I'm going to get an RV. Or at least a little Toyota truck.

This week...

delani — Thu, 06 Apr 2006 17:02:06 GMT

Haven't been posting much...it seems that I don't have a lot of readers, so I don't feel as much of an obligation to post very often. These are just my ramblings. I'm at a common stalemate (or should I say bottleneck?) at work, so I've had a lot of time to surf the web and generally goof off. Problem is, I have *tons* of stuff to do in my own life, that I'd much rather be doing than wasting time at work. I have the henna/festival season coming up...so I'm trying to get all my stuff together for that, trying to book plenty of good gigs, and hoping I'll make lots of money. My little henna biz needs some things, and I don't have the capital just yet to get them. I'm also worried...I did a tarot reading on how this henna season was going to go, and the outcome was the Tower, not a fun card. Since readings don't create your fate, they just show you which direction you're headed, I'm taking this as wise council not to overspend or take on any risks. There is of course, another interpretation for that card: that the walls we build in our lives, the things we come to depend on and believe to be unchanging, will eventually come crashing down. Nothing lasts forever. And if you've created something that no longer serves you, or wasn't appropriate to begin with, it *has* to come down, one way or another. So I have to wonder if that's what this card is talking about. What in my life has become encrusted, or outgrown? This is a subject for a whole 'nother post...

TGIF

delani — Fri, 31 Mar 2006 17:45:37 GMT

Another week has almost passed. Last night we got a pretty decent rainstorm; south of us, Ft. Smith just almost got a tornado. The days are starting to get warmer, and plants all over are starting to bloom and fill out with new green leaves. I love spring. It's my favorite time of year - of course, I say that about fall every year too. I'm excited too, because spring signals the start of the festival season. While I have a full-time day job, my real passion is henna. I love doing festivals - not only do I get to draw on people - and get paid! - I usually enjoy being at the festival too. Even when I'm really busy. It's a win-win situation - I get to have fun and make money doing it! Now, if I could only find a way to be able to quit my day job and just do henna. Then I'd be livin' the dream...