An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
- Mitch Hedberg

"You know what I mean. Always that same LSD story, you’ve all seen it: 'Young man on acid, thought he could fly, jumped out of a building. What a tragedy.' What a dick! Fuck him! He’s an idiot! If he thought he could fly, why didn’t he take off from the ground first? Check it out. You don’t see ducks lining up to catch elevators to fly South! They fly from the ground, you moron! Quit ruining it for everybody! He’s a moron, he’s dead, good. We lost a moron, fucking celebrate! Boy I just felt the world get lighter - we lost a moron! Put on the Hammer album, I’m ready to dance! [dances] 'We lost a moron!' I don’t mean to sound cold or cruel or vicious, but I am so that’s the way it comes out." - Bill Hicks