Often Cited, 45, now 46 nuggets of wisdom, some of them learned very much the hard way.


1. It’s always the simple shit that throws you.
2. There’s always another deal. Always be ready to walk away.
3. Everybody makes their own door.
4. Never Bet Against Stupid.
5. Never put beer in a bong.
6. The Elephant you are riding does not care if you stay on.
7. Eat when you can, go to the bathroom when you can.
8. Always get the road hazard, never the extended warranty.
9. Always call a cop “Sir” or “Officer”…and make no sudden moves. Be very polite and respectful, he’s underpaid, tired and has a gun. You can possibly beat him in court, but on the street, he’ll always win. Wait, quietly. Do not argue. It’s not your turn.

10. Never buy a sandwich at a liquor store. If you do, don’t eat it. (addendum: The same applies to buying Sushi at a 7/11. Just don't)
11. Always get your Helium at a welding supply place. They often have balloons too.
12. When it’s obviously time to go…GO.
13. You can dig a deeper hole with your mouth than with any other tool.
14. Quit gambling after you win, and before you lose.
15. If you’re driving to Hana, start early. (It's on Maui)
16. Bats, Spiders and Bees are on our side, Ants are neutral. Cockroaches and mosquitoes must die. And remember, Mountain Lions live right here, with us. Don’t be scared, just don’t forget.
17. No chocolate before you go into the booth.
18. Research is important, but it’s no substitute for curiosity.
19. Never wear synthetic fabrics in a Helicopter. And always turn toward the front when getting out. (Synthetic fabrics burn and melt in a crash; Turning towards the back may introduce you to the tail rotor, and what the pilots call an "Unsurvivable Incident." Helicopters are touchy.)
20. The best way to improve yourself instantly is to apologize when you are wrong. Also be prepared to apologize when you are right.
21. If you can’t be yourself without being an asshole, then you ARE an asshole. Grasp this one, it’s simple.
22. Pick your fights carefully.
23. When acting as a birth coach, do not bring trail mix. And don’t vomit or faint. She’s being the woman. You have to be the man.
24. E=MC Squared. Do the math. (UPDATE: This is not intended as just T-shirt cleverness. Energy is equal to mass times the speed of light (C) squared. It's a ratio. That means that mass IS energy, but it takes a WHOLE REALLY BIG VAST LOT of energy to create mass, and conversely a tiny amount of mass to create vast amounts of energy if the conversion can be done directly. It's why losing about six ounces of matter in the core of a thermonuclear weapon can result in entire cities being vaporized. It's also why the transporter and the matter generating devices on board the Enterprise can't work, unless you have dilithium crystal devices to conjure up galactic amounts of energy to turn into cups of tea. it's just not practical. Do the math.)
25. If you ask in a polite, dignified and sincere way, you can get people in charge to break the rules. Especially, if you call it “Waiving normal Policy in a unique situation.”
26. A squeaky wheel does get the grease, but a screaming belligerent asshole gets ignored, thrown out, or arrested.
27. Preserving the dignity of your opponent makes it easier (and more likely) for him to surrender to you.
28. Never buy the cheapest, or the most expensive champagne.
29. Get the brake job before you have to have the rotors turned. Or at least try. And always keep oil in your trunk.
30. Everyone is entitled to an informed opinion. If you don’t know what you are talking about, you aren’t entitled to anything.
31. Most fights are won or lost with the first punch.
32. Pretending to know what you don’t know makes you look much, much, much more stupid than admitting what you don’t know.
33. Saying “You da man”, “Who’se your daddy” and whatever else is popular is about as clever as having said “Sock it to me” or “23 Skidoo.” Santayana said those who do not learn from history are condemned to repeat it.
34. And when you quote, always attribute.
35. Do not confuse your Car with your Dick. In almost every case, you don't need either of them to be bigger. Unless you’re a forest ranger or own a ranch, you don’t need an SUV. You don’t need neon lights on your car wheels. Bad music played on a very expensive car stereo is still bad music. People who go out of their way to draw attention to themselves are usually the exact people who shouldn’t draw attention to themselves. If your car makes a statement it should be, “Excuse me, I have to go somewhere.”
36. Buy and read the Newspaper. You have a better chance of surviving and you can paint things afterwards without leaving a mess.
37. No one is impressed when you order a fancy drink at a bar. James Bond should stop it, it’s the one thing that makes him look like a dork.
38. Coffee already has a flavor.
39. There is a reason why almost everyone stopped wearing bow ties.
40. Never argue Politics with someone who is obviously an idiot. In fact, check for possible signs of idiocy at the beginning of any serious conversation. If either party shows signs of idiocy…don’t continue.
41. Back up your files. If you can’t figure out how, get a pencil and a notepad, and leave the power tools to the adults.
42. Sturdy, comfortable shoes. Always. Always. Always. Someday, without warning, you may have to walk. Or run. (Addendum: If you can't run in heels, don't wear them. Thanks Jocelyn. She's the shoe expert. I defer to her.)
43. When you buy a Honda, you own it. When you buy a Ferrari, It owns you. This can be a very expensive lesson.
44. Owning a Convertible is, by definition, a temporary condition
45. The sun will kill you. Gravity will kill you. Oxygen is a poison. The world is 75% water, which will kill you. Food can kill you. Germs are everywhere, and they can kill you. Most murders are committed by friends or family members. Paranoia won’t help, but it is a good idea to pay attention to things.
46. "This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou cans't not be false to any man "(Hamlet, ll.78-80) I didn't write it, but it's too basic, fundamental and wise a rule to leave off the list. Sometimes (although they should be avoided) there are reasons or situations in which you must lie to others. But: don't ever lie to yourself. Don't be fooled by your own bullshit, see the truth about yourself no matter how bitter. Lie to yourself, blind yourself to the facts, and disaster follows. Be honest with yourself, and the rest follows. William Shakespeare wrote it. I'm attributing. See rule #34.
47. It’s always, ALWAYS the simple shit that throws you.